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The Bachelorette Recap episode 9, season 7

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The Bachelorette Recap episode 9, season 7

This week we’re in Fiji and I’m super jealous. Ashley is here to get engaged. We are all here to make fun of her.

Recap her “relationships” with the remaining men. Tip: fast forward.

Ryan, the solar energy specialist is here (surprise!) to say things left unsaid. He’s wondering if she is regretting sending him home. (I doubt it). Apparently this is the season of awful comebacks. Woof. Ryan wants to know if she’ll spend more time with him. He gives a huge speech and she doesn’t say anything so he pulls out a piece of paper to leave with her – info on where he’s staying – so she can come find him if she wants more time with him. So…he flew all the way to Fiji to pour his heart out…and wait…and wait to see if she shows up.

Ben says their relationship is effortless. Oh, Ben, I really like you and don’t want you to like Ashley. Ugh. Ben says his mother really liked Ashley and this experience has really changed him. I despise recycling contestants but I am getting the distinct feeling we’re being set up to fall in love and pity Ben for an upcoming season (say it ain’t so!). They take a yacht ride to snorkel, and on the way lube each other up with tanning oil. Ben says he is more comfortable with her, falling for her, and he thinks he is going to tell her he loves her. He does tell her that he feels fully committed but he only tells her that he is “on his way to the whole ‘I love you’ thing.” then goes in for the kiss because it’s awkward because he didn’t actually say ‘I love you.’ Now she’s ready to offer him the fantasy suite so he can show her how he feels instead.

Ashley says she has a Greek god by her side and Mumbles takes note by taking his shirt off. Next, she exclaims, “oh, wow!” and Mumbles is overly pleased with himself. Ha! In any case, Constantine seems way more excited about the helicopter than Ashley.

Meanwhile, Ryan is brooding around the island wondering if Ashley will ever come to see him.

Ashley says that Constantine is still more closed off than the others so she asks him how many houses he looked at before he bought his home. Apparently it was something like 108, which to prove her point means that he takes too long to jump into a relationship. She likes him a lot but she can’t give him the time he needs…because, you know, this is a competition, not a quest for love. Constantine says Ben taught him about wine and Ashley asks if it’s hard for Constantine to be dating her being friends with Ben. Ashley really lays it out flat saying that she doesn’t feel that Constantine is in it. He says that in relationships he is usually very easily affectionate and he can’t figure out why this isn’t coming easily for him. Constantine says that he made a promise to himself that if he got to the point of being offered a fantasy suite and he wasn’t in love with her that he wouldn’t accept it. He respects her too much. He isn’t in love with her and he’s not ready to propose. Constantine tells Ashley he’s reached the end of his road with her and leaves. She stays sitting at the table, opens the fantasy suite card and is super bummed that she didn’t get to see Constantine naked.

Man, these guys are dropping like flies. But, hey, on the bright side: Ryan P. came back for you, Ashley! She tells Ryan that on paper he is what she wanted and he is one of the best guys she has ever met in her life…but…she doesn’t feel the passion for him that she has found with two other guys. He is sad but he says he is happy for her. And then the sob story: “ugh, is it ever gonna happen for me?” Oi, this guy.

JP is [finally] here and Ashley seems relieved, after all, he is the tell-all-her-secrets-to guy who makes her feel better after she’s been left by other men. JP is gushing about her and Fiji and all bunnies and sunshine and roses. JP says he’s ready for the end and his family would welcome her into the family.  Well, this seems like a done deal. They get a private island to themselves and they don’t anything except have awkward conversations…no exploring, no rolling in the sand…blah.

At dinner Ashley gets JP’s hopes up by proclaiming that she’s already said goodbye to two guys this week, leaving him to think he’s the last man standing.  Gosh, wouldn’t that have been funny! He is happy to find out it was Ryan P. who came back and not Bentley (because then he’d really be in trouble). Ashley makes JP promise that he is not trying to win just to beat Ben. JP gets the fantasy card and he is into it…but he still doesn’t want to tell her he’s in love with her.  Yeah, dude, see if you can sleep with her first.  She changes into something more comfortable, and well, it’s likely you know how that ended.

Roses:
Ben
JP

This Sunday: The Men Tell All

Next week: the remaining two men meet the family and both men say I love you. Oh, and it’ll finally be over Ashley will pick her man and possibly get engaged…yay!

The Bachelorette Recap episode 8, season 7

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Welcome home(s)! This week we get to see the [speci]men in their natural habitats around this great nation.  I know, I know, it’s only the beginning of the show, but I can already tell you who is going home this week.  I won’t – not yet – but there’s like a 92% chance you already know. 

Who: Constantine
Where: Atlanta,Georgia
We’re meeting Constantine’s father, Dimitri, his mother, Elleni, and sister, Marie, but first is a stop at “his” restaurant, Giorgio’s.  Which by “his” I mean “his family’s.”  Also, it’s an Italian restaurant. It’s only weird because he’s Greek and Greek food is delicious so I’m not sure why they don’t own a Greek restaurant but maybe folks in the South don’t like Greek food?  Shame on them. All the waitresses are googley-eyed and spying on them kissing.  I have to bet that there’s a few girls on screen that are just comparing, likely having kissed him too, in the past.  And by “in the past” I mean “the week before The Bachelorette starting filming.”

Whoa, welcome to Constantine’s ginormous house.  By “his house”…okay, you know where I’m going with that.  They enjoy a good meal and then Mom wants to get down to the nitty gritty: “you movin’ here or what?”  okay, it didn’t quite play out like that but it should have. Mom seems realistic about the fake glamour of television and wants to know if Ashley’s going to be in it once the cameras are gone. She wants to know if Ashley would pick up her life and move to Atlanta and Ashley says yes, if that’s what would make him happy. If Constantine is happy, Mom is happy.

I love that Constantine’s dad’s name is Dimitri. I also love that he says Ashley has a “gorgeous personality.”  Wouldn’t you just swoon if someone said you had a gorgeous personality?  What a compliment.  To all my friends: you have a gorgeous personality.  (you’re welcome).  Dad cautions that he doesn’t want his boy to be rushed. Here’s his advice: “it isn’t gonna be perfect. In the beginning it should be, but it isn’t always.”  I believe in that too – the beginnings of relationships should be easy and fun.  You shouldn’t have to try too hard to make it work. Life is hard enough.  Strong work, Dad.

Ashley proclaims she’s moving in much to everyone’s delight.  And just as Constantine is getting ready to leave, saying goodbye, his whole big fat happy Greek family piles in. With more food. Greek dancing ensues. Dad throws money. I’m moving in too. They kiss goodnight and the family cheers from the front porch. Anyone else think it’s a bad sign that she fell in love with fam quicker than Constantine?

Who: Ames
Where: Chadds Ford,PA
I will give it to Ames– he really knows how to pull together an outfit.  I’m really digging him in his “welcome to Pennsylvania, don’t I look rustic” plaid shirt.  Today Ashley is meeting his sister, brother-in-law, mom, brother, sister-in-law, nieces, and nephews.  Another insane house…is that an indoor pool?!  What is up with these mansions?  Ashley’s contestant applications must have had family financial history requirement.  Ashley says that things with Ames are moving very slow…she feels something (like maybe she feels he’s into guys?), and she’s not ready to stop learning more about him. Ames, my friends, is a hand talker. Those perfectly manicured hands are flailing about every which way.  His family explains that Ames has a lot of varied interests, very similarly to the male figures in his life, and that tragically, both his father and stepfather died of cancer. The sister thinks Ashley is interested in Ames but can’t tell if she is passionate about him. That means no. Ashley keeps telling everyone that she is feeling reassured and they are moving slower than other guys. She doesn’t feel the romance and the sister is catching on so she warns Ames that he needs to step it up.  Ames decides to do what he thinks is the most romantic thing ever and takes Ashley to have a picnic under a magnolia tree.  It is quite lovely.  Ashley is surprised to have learned thatAmes went to boarding school. She is not surprised to learn that he was the unpopular guy in school. He says he was really nerdy. We believe him. Ashley says that they have the same outlook on life. We believe her.  Ames says they had the most amazing kiss ever. I don’t believe him. It looked awful.  He said it was the most beautiful moment in all his life; he’s absolutely falling in love with her. Meanwhile, Ashley looked relieved it was over.

Who: Ben
Where: Sonoma,California
Ashley thinks Ben is so sexy. Ben takes Ashley to get some wine and they’ve kissed like eight times before they even get to lunch. They set up a picnic on a porch in the rain. Ben says it’s a really big deal to be bringing home a girl to meet mom, having only done it once before. Ashley asks about Ben’s father, whose passing has had a profound impact on their family.  Ben’s sister confesses that she was the one who signed her brother up to be on The Bachelorette but she seems super protective and not all too pleased that he’s made it this far.  Ben says that if things keep progressing the way that they have been, he will propose. Ben tells his mom that this has changed from being an adventure to actually really liking her. Ben has a really nice moment with his mom, apologizing to her for not being a better person for her after his dad died. He gets emotional talking to the camera about his dad, and notes he thinks his dad would be proud of him. We didn’t really get to see Ashley interacting with the family or Ben that much. It seems like a really good set up to make Ben the next Bachelor…what a transformative experience this has been for him….now he’s ready for love…yadda yadda.  I like him and all, but you all know how I loathe the recycling of contestants.

Who: JP
Where:Roslyn,NY
It’s super pretty where they met with a gazebo and lots of gorgeous flowers but its not so pretty where they have their alone time before meeting the fam: a super cheesy, 70’s-esque roller rink.  Okay, maybe early 90’s. Apparently it was supposed to rain so JP had planned a date for her at the roller rink. Cheesy music, disco ball, and my stomach turning…yup, must be love…”I can’t fight this feeling anymore…”  seriously I bet this is going to be their song if they get engaged. Ha!  Meeting the parents and his brother is a big deal, he tells Ashley, alluding again to the last girl he brought home which ended horribly.  JP lets on that he has anger/jealousy issues (which we all know about) but Ashley doesn’t catch on.

Ashley asks “so you grew up here?” and I’m pretty sure he answered, “yeah, 33 years.” Which means he’s lived at home his whole life? Ewww. JP’s mom is cautious. JP skirts the “are you in love with her?” question by saying all signs are pointing to that. He feels confident that they have what the other guys don’t. Yes, he will propose to her if he’s in love with her when the time comes. Mom is guarded and nervous, apparently everyone is really scared of what might happen if JP gets his heart broken again.  But, JP says he’s okay if he gets hurt again. To cap off the evening mom brings out JP’s bar mitzvah photo, huge, framed, autographed (probably with a bunch of “K.I.T.”s and “Stay cool”s). They dub him a cross between Kirk Cameron and Doogie Houser.  I dub him Ashley’s perfect match. And, not in a “yay, I like you both so much” kind of way.  More like “you’re both dull and you can have each other.”

Roses:
Ben
JP
Constantine

It’s no surprise that Ames is going home tonight. Except maybe to Ames. For as smart as he is, he looks painfully confused. He gives a super classy speech to say goodbye, telling her it’s been beautiful and poetic. He’s got a bewildered, glued-on smile until he gets in the limo. He says he had fallen in love and he’s now back to a lifetime of adventures with himself.

Next week: Fiji. Planes, yachts, helicopters, waterfalls, snorkeling, swimming pools, beach picnics. 

Then, in the final episode it looks like Ashley calls her sister a bitch for not liking her man.  This could be fun. Don’t get your hopes up, though.

The Bachelorette recap episode 7, season 7

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This week finds us in Taipei, Taiwan. There are six guys left with only 4 dates to be had…3-one-on-one dates with no roses and one group date with one rose up for grabs. 

JP is jealous already and scared of losing Ashley while everyone is feeling the pressure wanting to make it to the next round for hometown dates.

One-on-one date: Constantine “let your love light shine”
The pair will be taking a steam engine to a small village for a lantern festival. Constantine wants to know if it’s a speed train, while Ashley notes that their relationship is moving super slow. BFOTB makes it known this train ain’t no Hogwarts Express. I fully agree. Clearly, we are more excited about Harry Potter later this week than the entire season of this show combined.  Ashley and Constantine paint their love wishes on a lantern and being a man of many family traditions, Constantine is taking it very seriously.

Ashley tells Constantine that she is really attracted to him physically. We think he looks like an oaf. They seem to be having a nice conversation and Ashley is surprised that Constantine remembers things that she’s said in the past.  Seriously, lady, raise your standards. In regards to how slowly their relationship is moving Constantine says he’s not trying to speed it up or force anything to happen, he’s just waiting for a moment when he knows. That’s all fine and well and normal for regular dating, dude, but this here’s a competition and you’re gonna have to step it up.

To top it all off they have a super lame, sappy peck kiss session. Mumbles and BFOTB’s husband compare it to mild salsa. All the right ingredients. Not enough spice.

All the lanterns released into the sky…so romantic…until you view it through BFOTB’s eyes: littering. Seriously, I wonder where all those love wishes go to die?

One-on-One Date: Ben “let’s spend a gorges day together.”
I seriously wonder if Ashley told producers that she “likes to explore” as her idea of dream dates because practically every date has involved gallivanting around a village or city. But this one is totally different because they’ll be exploring a park…on a moped. Ben drops the “precious cargo” line which makes Mumbles laugh because he gets that speech from my Dad every time we leave their house, and we’ve been together for over 7 years.

Ben F is falling in love with Ashley but he doesn’t want to tell her yet. Mumbles notes that Ben just pulled an “upper like” on her…he recognizes an “upper like” when he sees/hears it because he pulled that crap on me when we were dating. Ashley says she feels like Ben is her boyfriend.

The perhaps only interesting thing about this episode is that JP gets super pissed because Ben didn’t come home from his date until the morning. 

Group Date: Lucas, Ames & JP “I’m grooming you for the Big Day”
Ashley is excited to be taking wedding photos in a wedding district in Taipei. Reminds me of Las Tunas in Temple City…anyone?  I think putting on wedding dresses before you’re getting married with a bunch of guys you’re dating is awful. But, it makes it a little better that the guys look ridiculous. Except JP comes out in a James Bond tux. Ugh, he is such a cry baby who is now grinning from ear-to-ear because he got his way. I feel like JP and Ashley deserve each other. I can see their future now: insecurity-induced fights and long nights full of questions like “do you think I’m pretty?” 

Lucas is in traditional Chinese garb and when Lucas and Ashley kiss on camera the veins in JP’s forehead bulge. Ames and Ashley’s shoot is super cute in a tree. Whimsical.  He’s wearing a light blue sequined tux.  His photo definitely came out best.

Lucas says he felt out of place in a dress because he’s traditional and was a bit jealous to see JP in a tux and her in a white dress with flowers. He’s already had a wedding so maybe Ashley thought he wouldn’t mind. Lucas says he’s ready to be married again. He misses the simple pleasures of marriage and wants to have kids. 

Ames brought some photos to share. Ashley tells Ames that he’s the most unique person she’s ever met. [Not good]. Ames is wearing hot pink skinny jeans. [Also not good].

JP shares that he was unhappy and jealous all week. His veins are still bulging. Ashley sees the potential for a hulk-esque moment and asks if JP got mad or got in fights with the other guys because he was upset. He says no and so she rewards him with a rose.

One-on-One Date: Ryan “let’s get a taste of Taipei.”
The foreshadowing here is that Ryan is wearing a Pepto pink shirt…something to ease your stomach later on. Ryan seems desperate to find a woman and make it work. His words: he’s yearning to focus his life on one person and build a partnership. They make a wish in front of the matchmaker and the stones they throw land on the same side, which apparently is a bad thing but I couldn’t really tell because it didn’t seem to phase our Bachelorette. They sit on steps and watch some people doing Tai Chi. Ashley doesn’t feel ready to meet Ryan’s family, she doesn’t feel a romantic connection.

Ashley asks for a tip to help her “go green” and Ryan starts talking about the most boring possible thing: water heaters.  Apparently that was his shot to redemption and he completely failed. Ashley gives Ryan the “you’re a great guy” speech. He looks confused. She tells Ryan she’s not feeling a romantic connection. He is surprised. Not quite understanding he asks in a high pitched voice “so you don’t want to meet my family?” They part ways and now Ashley doesn’t know if she made the right decision.

Ryan wipes away one. glistening. tear.
Then he cries, curses and walks off camera to hide behind the bushes.
There’s a lot of voice cracking.
He has to fetch his own cab, too.

For all you single ladies out there, word from our friend Casey is that you can find Ryan soaking up the sunshine in Corona Del Mar on his beach cruiser. You’re welcome.

Ashley says she doesn’t want a cocktail party, she’s ready to go. (at this point we wonder if she’s super bummed and wishes she could bring back other contestants from reject-land). 

Roses:
JP
Constantine
Ben
Ames

Looks like oil and sun didnt fair well on tonight’s show.  Lucas is a gentleman saying goodbye to Ashley. He says he was shocked. Ashley tells him she felt a super strong romantic connection. (IE: “wish we would have hopped in the sack before you left”). And we would have liked to see a football game in Odessa but we’re over it.  Thanks for nothing, Ashley.

Ashley is a crying mess. She’s ready to get outta Asia.

I know I’m not even going out on a limb when I say: Worst. Bachelorette. Season. EVER.  Seriously, I long for the days of cocky/errogant/entertaining Bachelors like Andrew Firestone and Charlie O’Connell.  Those were fun seasons.

Now an uninformative and uninteresting interview with Emily about her breakup with Brad.  Is anyone [other than Chris Harrison] surprised to see her in that chair? She looks amazing but it doesn’t help to mask the fact that half of this conversation consists of “um” and “you know” filler…No, Emily, we don’t know. That’s why you’re here.

She’s disappointed. She’ll always love Brad. [Liar]. She has nothing bad to say about him. [Don’t believe it]. She wanted to be married and have more kids. What she wanted for their relationship didn’t match up with the reality.  [Boring].  We were a little worried they were going to announce her as the next Bachelorette but could they honestly pull that off?  Might be the controversy the show needs but Emily would look like a total fool. [More than she does already]. 

Next week: hometowns, roller skating, restaurant cooking, Greek dancing, meeting moms and dads. More boring but one step closer to the end!

PS. Constantine and Ashley’s love lantern got pissed on by a stray dog. Haha. They never show the good stuff during the show.

The Bachelorette Recap episode 6, season 7

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This week we may be in a new place physically (well, watching on tv – in Hong Kong) but Ashley is still in the same place mentally – all wrapped up and stupid over Bentley.  Mumbles is calling out the Bentley count but I disregard because I know we’ll be in double digits by the first commercial.  Chris Harrison meets the guys to welcome them to the tallest hotel ever. Okay, maybe not, but whoa. It’s tall.

More Bentley talk from Ashley and then Chris Harrison comes to Ashley’s suite to talk about…Bentley.  Ugh, the guy is not even here to make awful, funny comments so I am really annoyed that we have to hear so much about him.  Surprise!  Bentley is here in Hong Kong. Ashley is so touched that Bentley would come all this way just to talk with her. She’s stuck on the “dot dot dot” and can’t let it go and I can tell for once that Chris Harrison wants to flat out say “you’re a pathetic idiot and this guy’s a jerk.” But he doesn’t.  At least he is trying to be helpful for once, advising Ashley to make sure she doesn’t leave the room without answers.  No dot dot dots. My Little Lauren is watching with me tonight and she is pissed Ashley didn’t change her outfit.  Again with the oversized see through blouses.  I don’t think it’ll really matter what she’s wearing.

A kiss hello from Bentley at the door.  Awkward. Bentley says he thought about calling but that would’ve been too easy. [Read: I’m getting a free vacation out of this.]  Bentley says he’s been working. That’s it. Ashley has to ask him how his daughter Cozy is doing. “Oh, uh, yeah, uh, she’s good.”  I almost suspect at this point that he doesn’t have a daughter. That would have been an awesome con.  Bentley asks if Ashley’s okay. She says she has bug bites from the last place they were at, acting as if he just missed a city, didn’t totally desert her at week two and everything is just peachy.  Bentley says he missed her when he was home. Ashley confesses that she hasn’t been able to let him go. Bentley says a little speech that pretty much ends with, “well, uh, yeah, you should probably give it a go with the other guys.” I wish he would’ve been the hilariously evil guy he was when it was just him and the cameras so I’m utterly disappointed at how stupid this whole scene is but also somewhat proud of Ashley for pulling out the f*bomb and asking him if this is their period. (ya know, to end the “dot dot dot”…man, I hate these people). She says she needed this time away from him to be able to see through him.  Whatever.

One on one date: Lucas “let’s find our fortune on the streets of Hong Kong”
Lucas feels that this is a once in a lifetime date but little does he know that Ashley has been on this same date with practically every other man…street markets in foreign cities…seriously, these producers couldn’t book more interesting things to do? Lucas has a mission on this date: a dance, a kiss and a rose.   Lucas says his divorce was the hardest thing he’s ever been through and I think it’s scaring Ashley a little bit plus there doesn’t seem to be any romance between them so I almost think she’s going to send him home but instead she gives him the rose and a quick kiss. But, oh, Lucas is not satisfied with that – their first kiss! – how dare she initiate! So he asks for a real first kiss. I hate when guys do that. Lame. Later, Lucas gets his dance. Not as lame. And then I laugh when Ashley proclaims “there’s something about Lucas’ manlihood that makes me feel like a woman.”  Manlihood.  Awesome diction there, Ashley.

Small interjection for a personal moment: saw the Winnie the Pooh movie trailer…so going to see that. Adorable. I love Tigger. No, I don’t have children. Don’t judge me.

Group date: Ryan, Mickey, Constantine, Ames, Ben F., and Blake
Blake is disappointed that he doesn’t get the one-on-one date. He and Ryan are the only two not to have one-on-one dates yet.  The guys are informed that they’ll be dragon boat racing so they’re split up into pairs to recruit teams in the city. Ben and Constantine are having no luck convincing locals to come hang out with them so instead they resort to buying red silk kimono robes because, heck, if they’re going to show up just the two of them to row this boat, they’re dang well going to look the part.  The robes must have done the trick because all of a sudden they show up with a crowd of people. That was funny. Mickey and Ames found all the pro racers – I think it’s because Mickey is such a looker.  He’s like this generation’s Jesse Katsopolis.

The race is going well but not for Ben and Constantine, as I believe their boat is full of people who thought they were going to a comedy show or something where Ben & Constantine would entertain them.  I don’t think they specified that physical work was involved.

Ben: “we’re getting smoked”
Constantine: “like salmon, bro.”
Ben: “Our chant was supposed to mean ‘eat it.’ But we found out later it means ‘idiot.'”
Later, they’re singing row, row, row your boat. Hilarious. A+ for effort.

Post-race party:
Little Lauren again is not pleased with Ashley’s outfit choice.  “The bigger the hoop, the bigger the hoe,” she says.  BTW, I have to ask Little Lauren how to spell “hoe.” With an ‘e,’ really? Like the yard tool?  She lives in Long Beach, she knows these things.  

  • Mickey is ridiculously good looking.
  • Ames is pleased with himself. He pulls Ashley away from the group, takes her in an elevator, pushes number 48 and pulls her in for a kiss. Whoa, surprise. More kissing. Elevator doors open. Stop kissing. Doors close, kissing resumes.
  • Ben kinda looks like Mr. Rogers in his yellow sweater but we like it. Ben says he’s on the path to love. Even though he was a big skeptic now his walls are down.  I think he’s sticking around.
  • All the boys hate Ryan. I still find him to be too smiley.
  • Blake threatens (to the camera) to pack up and go if Ryan gets the rose tonight.
  • Almost perfectly timed, Ashley grabs the rose to take back to Ryan. They still don’t have good kisses. It bugs me. I think it bugs everyone.

One-on-one date: “JP, let’s take a peek into our future.”
JP is honored to have the first second one-on-one date, which does kinda suck for the guys who haven’t even had one yet. I called it, though. I figured the reason Ashley wants the one-on-one date with JP now that she’s over Bentley is because their first date was right after Bentley left and she was all sad and sulky in her PJs on their date. Not fun. Honestly, I think this date is just dinner which doesn’t make up for the mess she was on their first date, but okay.

Ashley asks what the last thing was to make him cry and JP says his it was his ex-girlfriend.  Ashley thinks he’s the whole package but for some reason feels the need to tell JP about Bentley. Maybe because she feels close to him? Or maybe because she feels like he’s her best friend, not her boyfriend. Either way, not a good idea.  Ashley is trying to justify it away but tells JP she kept thinking about Bentley. Which every man wants to hear. JP handles it well telling her he appreciates her honesty, he’s happy she got the closure she needed, and he wants to move on.  Other things that happened on this date: We find out his name – Jordan Paul – I don’t like it. Little Lauren does. Music sounds like the soundtrack to Mulan. Ashley and JP make out a lot. I’m okay with it. 

Cocktail party:

  • Ashley’s boobs make an appearance. It must be giving her some confidence because she decides to tell all the guys that she completely fell for Bentley and saw him in Hong Kong to get closure. She’s excited and happy.
  • The men’s reaction: Silence. Silence and drinking.
  • Constantine calls her out, then so does Lucas. Lucas has the rose so I’m proud he stepped up to challenge her the most, as I’m sure they all wanted to say things but felt they couldn’t say what they felt for fear of jeopardizing their chances.
  • Ryan flat out tells the guys if they don’t want to be here to just go home because he wants to be here.
  • Little Lauren loves Ames. Ames says “I suppose we all want our fairytales to be simple.” Little Lauren swoons.
  • [Pause for angry bird tutorial. Mumbles is newly obsessed.]
  • Blake finally gets some alone time with Ashley and he tells her it isn’t sitting well with him to know that she had a lot of feelings for Bentley and he was only around for a little while. He hasn’t had a one-on-one date and this dude gets flown to Hong Kong for alone time. Ashley cries, Blake recants, gives her a hug, and they both walk away frustrated.
  • “Oh, Mickey, you’re so fine” tells Ashley he feels like she lied to them. Mickey is pissed because he doesn’t see what she saw in Bentley. Mickey says if that is what you’re looking for, please send me home. He is not interested anymore. I get his point. (Lucas also made it while talking to the other guys: she’s wasted their time). Mickey advises Ashley to send him home. Ashley says he should take the initiate to leave. He does. I don’t think she thought he would. But, she’s also super insecure so I bet she was thinking she’d rather it be this than that she just didn’t measure up.  The guys respect Mickey for taking a stand on how he wants to be treated in a relationship but they also know they can’t leave because they’re not as hot as Mickey. Now, I’m not ever a fan of recycling contestants but oh, Mickey. I’d welcome him back with open arms.

At the rose ceremony Ashley thanks the guys for sticking around. It would’ve been awesome if another one left. Blake was pissed but now he’s committed to Ashley and is concerned about her feelings. You have to tell her, not the camera. It’s too late, dude.

Roses:
JP
Lucas
Ryan
Ben F.
Constantine
Ames 

Blake doesn’t seem distraught, but disappointed. He said he wants a friend. I’m a little sad for him. I think I would’ve liked him a lot. I don’t particularly like Ashley so I’m not too sad about him or Mickey leaving. (Dodged a bullet!

Coming up: Taiwan, trains, tai chi, a glitter tuxedo (take one guess at who’s wearing it), Fiji, yachts, mud, swimming, men not ready for proposals, someone’s coming back? Lots of crying and a broken heart.

P.S. The clip at the end of Ashley and Ben talking in their puppy voices is funny and only furthers my obsession with getting a dog. I will have one. And you’ll meet him/her one day on this here blog.

Libation of the evening:  Wild Coyote Rosé of Syrah, 2010

The Bachelorette Recap episode 5, season 7

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

Another attempt at a new start, this week Ashley and her “not as good as Bentley” men (I think I shall call them Bentley Crew) are inChiang Mai,Thailand.  At the Mandarin Oriental, a super awesome line of luxury hotels – I am impressed. And jealous. Bentley’s name has already come up more times than I can count but Ashley swears that’s all behind her.  Liar!

There are 11 men left for Ashley to choose from and it looks like another is going home in an ambulance.  Other bad news (for the guys) that’s exciting for us: there’s a two-on-one date this episode!  Nothing like an awkward third wheel date to really spice up the drama and awkwardness! 

Ben F., the winemaker/orphanage painter, gets the one-on-one date and when Ashley comes to pick him up, all the men sense the palpable sexual energy between them (between Ben and Ashley, not all the men…well, it was Ames who said that so can’t be quite sure, really).

They take a Volkswagen van/bike (seriously, what was that thing?!) to a marketplace to eat street food, buy a robe, walk hand-in-hand.  Seems a lot like Constantine’s date from last week, right? Ben says it feels like he’s on vacation with his girlfriend. Ashley says she was surprised to have felt so much chemistry and meanwhile, Ben is starting to see her as a possible fiancé or wife.

There’s a lot of awkward silence which on this show always means its time to make out but because they were in front of a sacred temple they couldn’t actually kiss. Instead they had a mental kiss. Not as good. But they pretend it was and now Ashley is feeling feisty, she’s ready for dinner, where presumably they’ll be able to kiss all they want.

A gorgeous dinner table is set up surrounded by thousands of flowers on a garden lawn. They talk about how he got started in winemaking and Ben shares that his father passed away really screwing him up emotionally until the last year.  Now he’s ready for love and makin’ out. Ashley thinks Ben is getting an A+ on their date, she gives him the rose and then music starts, fire dancers come out, and Ben goes in for the kiss. Ashley is not disappointed and thinks it could be forever. (Maybe. If it’s not Bentley. Okay, I just threw that in there, but come on, you all know she was thinking it!)

Group date: Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan, JP, Mickey

The guys are excited/terrified when they figure out that they will be training with Muy Thai boxer/fighters.  Lucas has no clue about training to fight but he’s been in some street brawls. I believe him – he’s a country boy. Ames? Never been in a fight. Surprised? Not at all. Surprised thatAmes gets the pink set of boxing gear? Not at all.

They arrive at a fight and realize that they’re going to be fighting against each other. Shock! (Ashley is in a state of fright and fear the whole time…whichever producer thought up this brilliant idea probably got promoted). Here’s how the matches went down:

  • Blake v Lucas – Blake wins.
  • Mickey v JP – JP, the self proclaimed “Jew from Long Island beat the Irishman from Cleveland.”
  • Ames v Ryan – Ryan knocks Ames in the head. Ooh. Ouch.
  • Nick v Constantine- “the heavyweights”Constantine wins.

Ashley, ever they worrywart, is troubled by the far off look Ames has in his eyes so she runs to alert the paramedics to her damsel in distress and they cart him away. Not dramatic at all. I hate this show.

At the post fight party:

  • Ryan is feeling super guilty but still shows off his battle wounds.  Chicks dig scars. Write that down. Ames is back, prep boy suit and all. He has to know he can’t go home tonight – this earned him at least one more night here. Pity rose is a for sure.
  • Blake is totally getting the friend vibe from Ashley. He tells her that “love is a marathon, not a sprint” to try to win his case. 
  • Lucas is apparently more comfortable now that he’s punched some dudes in the face. He is a golfer so at Ashley’s request, he gives her a little lesson. Very cliche, very sexy.  Lucas calls Ashley out on her attraction to Bentley and she pulls that brand-spankin’-new wisdom from Blake out of her pocket to reassure Lucas that love takes a while to grow.
  • Ashley gives Blake the group date rose and he goes in for his first kiss.  

Two on one: William and Ben C. “guide me to love”

The two men paddle a boat (while Ashley sits comfortably) down the river to a little picnic area. William tells Ashley that Ben C. can’t wait to go home to all the ladies waiting for him in the realms of the online dating world. Instead of asking Ben any questions she just announces that the two on one date is over and walks Ben back to his little getaway boat. It’s a slow getaway. Definitely not romantic.  What I liked most was that in their brief “it’s been real” goodbye, Ben says something along the lines of “aw, come on, I was joking about that. It was funny. Ask anyone!” 

Wills is pleased his plan worked out. He’s at ease at dinner. Ashley asks Wills if he still feels like a 30-year-old boy. A stupid grin emerges. Ashley is not feelin’ it. She tells William she’s lost that lovin’ feelin’…whoa whoa whoa. I’m beginning to feel like Ashley is getting her brain back. She proclaims that she needs a man, not a boy. And the rose is set to burn in a firepit. So dramatic.

Cocktail Party:

  • Ryan is totally way excited. Ashley looks bored.
  • Constantinelikes Ashley’s realness.Constantineis asked if he is closer to the guys than her. He says “naturally.” Good answer, bud.
  • Ashley asks JP if he could see her in his everyday. He says that he already feels like that.  Ashley wants to tell JP what she feels for him but she’s afraid of getting hurt. And, she’s in love with Bentley.

Bentley.
Bentley.
Bentley.
Mumbles is mad at me for not keeping a Bentley counter going. Is there an app for that?

Ashley tells her ole buddy Chris Harrison that she can’t stop thinking about Bentley. Ashley wants to talk to Bentley to get some closure. 

Rose ceremony:
Ben F.
Blake
Constantine
Lucas
JP
Ames, the pity rose
Mickey
Ryan, the enthusiastic solar energy specialist 

Nick, the surfer/Matthew McConaughey look alike says a sad goodbye to love. Not as sad as Wills who earlier said he wants to go to bed and never wake up. Again, where’s that on-call therapist from last season??

Next week:Hong Kong, bad boy Bentley’s back, Mickey tellin’ it like it is (wow, he’s good looking!), lots of tears and drama. Oh, also, from the looks of it I really don’t like Ashley next week.

Can’t wait!

P.S. Anyone count how many times she said Bentley?
P.S.S. Anyone watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition after The Bachelorette?  Uh-mazing.