If you only watch three minutes of last night’s premiere, definitely just watch the intro because you’ll get it all: dreamy dudes, beautiful beaches, romantic moments, hot tub makeout sessions, guys crying, Desiree crying, and cheesy music. And that’s what we’ve got to look forward to the whole season, folks! Get excited!
Don’t you just love that Desiree pulls up to the swanky new Bachelorette beach house in Malibu in her humble old sedan? No limo for this down-to-earth lady! But this is a fairy tale Cinderella story after all, so it should be no surprise when Chris hands Des a pair of keys to a turquoise Bentley convertible. Mama’s trading up!
And now for the men…
- Bryden, 26, Missoula. Had his heart broken so he joined the military. When he meets Desiree, practically all he can do is talk about Sean. Seriously? That’s old news. Don’t bring up the ex.
- Will, 28, Chicago. Banker who does Bikram Yoga. He gives out free high fives on the street and he’s definitely a high-on-life kinda guy.
- Drew, 27, Scottsdale AZ. Digital Marketing. His parents divorced, his dad was an alcoholic, and he has a mentally handicapped sister (sounds like a country song, no?) so he was forced to grow up at an early age and now it’s his turn to have fun and find love. At first BFOTB and I think he looks like a young Val Kilmer. He has a nervous first introduction but Des seems pleased with The Saint (that’s an old Val Kilmer movie…look it up).
- Nick R. “the suit guy” from Chicago is a professional magician. Sounds like Barney Stinson but he’s definitely not as awesome.
- Zak, a drilling fluid engineer, 31, from the middle of nowhere. You know, the kind of place where you wake up, make some coffee and stand on your balcony naked contemplating life. Makes sense then that he’s the guy that gets out of the limo without a shirt, right?
- Robert, Advertising Entrepreneur, Los Angeles… has a one-eyed dog. Is really good as spinning those sidewalk signs and I was a little worried there for a minute that that was his actual job and his title was meant to make him sound more stable than he is. But, I think he legitimately owns a business that hires sidewalk sign twirlers. That’s better.
- Mike, 27, Dental student. Born in London. Is smart enough to know that he’s less attractive because he lost his accent. Wears his dentist coat, which I guess is one way to stand out but all I can think about is Bachelorette Ashley and how it seemed like she was a dental student FOREVER and I’m already impatient with this guy.
- Brandon, 26, adrenaline junkie wakeboarder. Dad left when he was 5 and mom struggled with addiction so his grandparents were a great influence. Shows up on a motorcycle. Seems kinda stereotypical bad-boy that’s broken, but we can’t blame her when she swoons.
- Brooks. He’s got good hair but fumbled through the conversation a bit.
- Brad, 27, Accountant. Brought a wishbone so they could make a wish. Cute, simple. Not awkward. I like you.
- Michael, Federal Prosecutor. Whoa. Intense. Takes Desiree on a walk to the fountain and sticks his hand in the fountain to try to find her penny from Sean’s season so she can have a do-over. He can’t find it but he gives her a new one to make a new wish. And now he has a wet sleeve.
- Kasey, social media something or other. I’m distracted because his shoes are hideous. He comes up with a little social media campaign and spouts off some hashtags for Des: #marriagematerial was a good one. Here’s one for you, buddy: #shoefail.
- Mikey, plumbing contractor. Brings up the brother thing. Probably too soon, man.
- Jonathan, 26, lawyer. Brought her a fantasy suite card with a key asking her to ditch the other men and get it on. Right now. Definitely thought it was going to be cute and turned out really creepy instead. Des, watch your drink tonight…this guy looks like he might slip something in it.
- James, Ad Exec. Loyalty is love speech. Pretty intense for night 1.
- Larry, ER doctor. Loves to dance so he tries to dip her but her dress gets caught. He definitely says the f word on the way into the house. He knows he blew it.
- Zack K., book publisher from Newport Beach. Shows up in Chucks. Des says she likes it. Scores points for the bow tie.
- Desiree’s knight in shining armor comes in the form of Diogo, a ski resort manager from Lake Tahoe. Awkward. And loud.
- Chris, mortgage broker, gets down on one knee and gives a fake proposal speech to only ask if he can tie his shoe. Kinda corny but cute.
- Juan Pablo, pro soccer player from Venezuela brings a lovely accent and some chocolate. A+ for you, good sir.
- Brian, financial advisor. Wore jeans and a velvet suit coat. Which is better than this guy:
- Micah shows up in a suit he designed himself. It’s awful and looks like a kidnapper cut out magazine letters and glued them on to write a ransom note.
- Nick wrote a poem. I hate poems. But apparently she digs it.
- Dan, beverage sales director from Vegas.
- And the cutest little man ever pops out of the limo with a flower before his dad joins him. His name is Brody and yes, he’s adorable. His dad’s name is Ben. Brody wishes he could go to the party. Hot dad points and clearly the winner of the night.
- Magician pulls out a great trick and announces to the room that he’s going to make Desiree disappear before their very eyes and then walks her out of the room. Sneaky clever!
- Brandon flipped a coin about coming to the show interview or going to his birthday party and gives Des the coin, asking that she give it back to his mom when she meets her at hometown dates. A little presumptuous but I guess confidence counts.
- Ben’s definitely got the advantage because he brought the cute kid and that’s pretty memorable. Ben says that Brody’s mom is his best friend, which sounds weird but whatever works…I guess you can’t spout off about baby mama drama on night 1. Ben and Desiree bond over camping, road trips and hunting. Ben wins the first rose of the season.
- Zak jumps in the pool, which seemed like an impressive move until he realized that he left her alone and she got pulled away. Wah wah wah….but lucky for him Des gives points for abs and stunts and gave him a rose.
- Bryden tells Des about his dog who is his best friend and about a kid he met while serving in Iraq. BFOTB correctly notes Bryden’s got a Lloyd Christmas haircut. He gets a rose anyway.
- I’m not sure Desiree can understand Juan Pablo but she’s smitten with the accent and his all-around dreaminess. I will say he is quite the looker.
- Drew seems super nervous but Desiree thinks he’s handsome so he gets a rose.
- The ER doctor feels awful about his dance move gone wrong. I think he should feel worse about the crazy, weird vibes he’s putting off. Desiree actually asks him if he’s sleepy. He’s way funnier with just the guys and I’m sure we’d get a season of great one-liners out of this guy, but his future is looking dim.
- Another first impression fail: Jonathan the lawyer who offered up a fantasy suite hotel room key. He preps a room somewhere in the house, lighting candles and doing push ups to get ready. He finds Des, tells her he’s taking her to the fantasy suite, and she pretty much says hell no. So now he’s hanging out in there alone. Clearly Des is trying to get away from him but creepster just keeps coming back for more. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again…on his second attempt to take her into his lair, Des announces that he’s making her feel uncomfortable and not only is she not going into any dark, private room with him (ever), she’s sending him home. Well done, you.
- Zack K.
- Juan Pablo
Coming up this season:
A castle, helicopters, boats, concerts, snowy mountains, crashing waves, man fights, punches, a girlfriend that shows up (what!?!), Ben is slimy?!?, lots of cussing and crying, kissing, fireworks, hiking in a wedding dress, a picnic, dancing, and falling in love…
Do you have any favorite guys yet?