The Bachelorette recap, the final rose – Emily

It’s our first weekend in Virginia and we were a bit late coming back from playing with Baxter at Pony Pasture and I was sure we wouldn’t miss anything because they’d be recapping the whole season for 25 minutes but apparently Jef meeting the family took a whole 6 minutes at the start of the show…just when you think you can rely on Chris Harrison, he goes and gets divorced and you can’t count on his useless rehashing. Maybe he’s given up on love altogether. Sad story.

So we miss Jef meeting the ‘rents but catch it in time to learn Jef made a great impression. Ari fumbles through his first greeting, rambling a bit too much but winning them over gushing about Emily and bringing every rose she’s given him in a nice little box.  Aww…sweet

The first thing of importance this episode is Dad establishing that “you can’t love two people at the same time.”  I’m telling Mumbles I think Emily has an easy out because she can not pick either of them or pick both of them and walk away clean saying “I had to be careful because I have a daughter to think about and I can’t just rush into an engagement…” and the next thing we know Emily’s mom says the same thing and she proceeds to say it herself. Hmmm…

Emily says she’s stressed. Jef says he is not. He is sure and confident but he hasn’t met Ricki. And all Emily says about that is “it’s a big decision,” alluding that she’s even scared now just to introduce her to the two remaining guys. Jef can tell something is amiss and asks if Emily has confidence. She says yes. I say no. They sit in awkward silence and Emily says she wasn’t planning on introducing Ricki to anyone but because she feels so confident, she wants them to meet.  Who’s betting we’ll be hearing this same speech with Ari? Oh, everyone? Okay, cool.

Jef’s high five meet and greet with Ricki iclimactic inch a letdown. He wins her over and we know it when she asks her mom if Jef can come play in the pool. Aww. Emily says Jef exceeded her expectations and that he’d be the best father and the best husband.

“There’s a little bit of real life that’s happened in this whole situation.” -Jef (not putting enough emphasis on the “little”)

Jef and Emily’s last night together is sweet. There’s no big declaration or anything but they both seem happy and comfortable.

Jef buys a Curaçao coffee table book as his last grand gesture gift and I’m thinking “cool book, bro” until he shows her he’s drawn stick figures throughout the book. Better.

The morning after her date with Jef, Emily calls Chris over to chat. She explains that she feels split between the two and doesn’t know what to do. But then she says that spending time with Jef and Ricki together made her see that he’s the one and she didn’t even question what their life would be like because that was exactly what it would be.

Emily says she can’t sit with Ari all day without feeling awful because she’s positive it’s Jef so she needs to tell Ari that as much as she loves him, she loves someone else a little more.  See, Dad knows best!

Mumbles is asking me how this usually goes down and I explain that usually the Bachelor/Bachelorette waits until their #2 is teary eyed, all mushy and lovestruck, down on one knee ready to propose before breaking it to the poor sap that they are not “the one.” At this point, I regret some of my snarkiness about Emily if she actually shows some class and tells Ari the truth (and makes it last with Jef, because lets be real: this woman does not have a good track record, my friends).

“I’m getting engaged tomorrow.” -Ari, who is incorrect

“That moment when Emily looks in my eyes and can express how she feels is going to feel so good.” – Ari, again incorrect

Emily gets out of the SUV to meet Ari who’s completely oblivious and wrong about everything and she’s crying already. Yet she still kisses him and tells him she missed him! She sits him down and starts balling and squeaking, shaking her head. Ari is catching on even though she’s not speaking in full sentences. And instead of coming out and saying it she hesitates but its enough to let on that yesterday’s date with Jef tipped her scales the other way and so he tells her she doesn’t have to say it. Lets her off easy so she can continue crying, and then she looks at him hopefully like he’ll say something to make it all better. Ugh.

“I did for so long think it was going to be me and you.” -Emily, not helping

He realizes there’s nothing left to say, tells her as such, gives her a kiss on the cheek and says goodbye, thanking her for sparing him the embarrassment of tomorrow, and walks away. She runs after him, crying all the while, and he tells her she’s not going to get the “goodbye, good luck” she’s after. And appropriately so. I don’t think anyone expects him to give her that and I’d say he was more than a gentleman about it.  Fare thee well, Ari. In the words of the funny (but not PG movie) Old School (earmuffs/eyemuffs?) when Ari gets home, he’s “gonna get so much ass…like hot boy band ass.” True story.

“I still believe that she’s the love of my life which is what is so painful.” – Ari, heartbroken

Jef meets Neil Lane to pick out a fancy schmancy ring.  Me likely the pink gold ring Neil shows Jef. (you can disregard that, as I said that out loud as I wrote it so Mumbles could take note.)

“I love Emily but I don’t want to propose to Emily if she’s going to say no.” – Jef
“I’m not 100% sure I want to get engaged.” – Emily
“If Jef proposed, I’m not really sure that I’d be able to do it.” – Emily
“I’m not gonna be the girl that gets engaged 15 times before she gets married.” -Emily, who seems like she’s on her way there

Does anyone else think their proposal stage is in an odd spot? In the middle of a random hotel/motel/village…?

And then the rehearsed speeches:

“You really are everything that I’ve looked for for so long. You really are my soul mate…I love you so so much. So much.” -Emily

“I feel like the luckiest man in the world… I think God puts the right people in our lives when the timing is just right, and I feel that with us, I feel like the timing is just right….I am so grateful that you tried one more time [for love] because I found my everything, and I’m so in love with you and I promise you, Emily, that if you let me into your life and into Ricki’s life that you’ll never be lonely again. I love you, Emily…” -Jef
(Mumbles thinks Jef’s notes were written on his hand.)

“What I’m about to ask you aren’t just empty words…what I’m about to ask you is a forever thing…Emily, will you marry me?” -Jef, on bended knee

“Yes.” -Emily, after a lot of hesitation and then really the most unromantic thing that could ever be said after a proposal and some kissing: “we’re gonna make it work.” Totally ruined it, lady!

After the engagement, Ricki comes running in (in a dress not nearly as formal as the occasion called for)…and Emily says “hey, Ricki” and then the three of them just walk off together (not nearly as informational as the situation called for)…no “this is my boyfriend”…or “hey, Jef just asked me to marry him and I said yes…” or “hey, Ricki, remember Jef from two days ago?” Poor kid.

After the Final Rose:

  • Emily gushes about Jef and her new sparkly diamond when she comes out to meet Chris.
  • Ari is there and he says watching the show really helped to understand everything. He was completely taken by surprise because physical attraction aside, he felt like they had great conversations and had a future planned.
  • Side note: What’s up with the big crease and bump in the midsection of her hair?
  • Ari says he got home and knew he couldn’t be himself around his friends and about the town without letting on that he was heartbroken so he flew to Charlotte to see Emily to either get closure or get a new start. He says he got there but thought better of it (after you paid and flew there…really?) because he respects Jef and respects Ricki…so instead he just called her (presumably like a creepster from an SUV with tinted windows parked across the street from her house) and left his journal at her house for her to read. But she didn’t read it. Because she respects him. Oh, geez. Ari thought when she read the journal she would know he was genuine and how he really felt about her. But she didn’t.

“Had Jef not been there, it would be me and Ari sitting here, so happy.” – Emily, not helping Ari feel good about being friends with Jef

  • Ari is happy for Emily and Jef. He says he’s doing good but I don’t quite believe him.  Ari said he talks to Jef on the phone, which he admits is kinda crazy but it helped him to understand how happy they are.

And the man of the hour himself arrives:
“We are happy and in love.” – Jef, with a smile
On the awkward amount of time it took Emily to respond to Jef’s proposal? (Chris timed it: Emily made him wait 10 seconds. That’s a long time.): “I don’t know…but I was scared and I don’t want to be the girl that gets engaged a bunch of times and never gets married.” – Emily, who, let’s be honest, just really loved that sparkly ring.

Heres the scoop: Jef is moving to Charlotte so they don’t have to uproot Ricki and it makes sense because he can work from anywhere (but she doesn’t work at all so it would probably make even more sense and really show her commitment to “making this work” if she just moved to Utah, right?), they are already planning a wedding, they want it to be in Charleston, maybe in the spring but she doesn’t want to say when because she doesn’t want to be held to it. Well, good luck with that. I’m not so confident we’ll be watching your ABC special next year.

It’s been a good season, my friends, wouldn’t you say? Are you happy with Emily’s choice and with Jef’s decision to propose? Think we’ll see a wedding next year?

If you’re a Bachelor Pad viewer, have fun with that hot mess of shenanigans. As you may have read, Mumbles, Baxter and I are temporarily in Virginia for work so I hope you’ll stick with me while I share about our life here on the east coast.  Thanks for your continued support and encouragement. See you next season!

The Bachelorette Recap episode 9, season 8 – Emily

As I shared, I wasn’t able to write about the last few episodes in a timely manner due to traveling but let me tell you that I had quite the marathon when I got time at home and it involved a lot of wine and cookie butter!  This episode we’re down to the final three and can we all just agree that Emily is one lucky lady?  I mean, wow.  A great group of guys she’s got and I have an inkling of a bad feeling it’s all going to end really poorly.  But in any case, let’s enjoy it as it unfolds…

Here’s Emily’s take on her last three suitors:
Sean — it was love at first sight and he’s everything she wants in a husband, plus he’d be the best dad ever. He’s funny and he’s a big, muscular guy with a sensitive side. “If we were to get married, Sean would be there fr me no matter what. He gives me butterflies in my heart.”

Jef — loves his style and that he’s his own person. Jef has a little bit of an edge but he’s sweet and thoughtful. He has his own sense of humor and Emily thinks they have the same sense of humor. He makes her laugh more than anyone. He can make anything fun. “My connection with Jef is unlike anything I’ve had in a really long time. He’s so romantic and genuine. I feel like he would make the best husband and stepdad.”

Arie — their connection was immediate. He’s funny.  “I call Arie ‘Sweet Arie’ (lamest nickname ever) because he’s so attentive and he’s always building me up. When I think about what my life wold look like with Arie I know before anything else that he would just adore me forever. He’d be my best friend. He’d just love me forever.”

Emily is in love with three guys!

Sean
Sean is the only one yet to not say I love you. I’m thoroughly impressed by Sean and even more so when he uses the word “imperative”…you just don’t get good diction on this show. I’m not taking that for granted. They take the usual we’re-in-a-new-place-date: a helicopter to a private island. Yawn.

Emily is concerned because she learned from Sean’s family that he was buddy-buddy with his ex, so when she confronts him with this he has a hard time explaining himself. He probably doesn’t want to follow up all the ex questions with “but, oh by the way, I’m totally in love with you.” (good call) but Emily still seems disappointed that in the midst of her interrogations the L word hasn’t magically appeared romantically. I hate that this part becomes like one of those carnival races with horses where you have to squirt water into a hole to move your horse along…it’s like Sean is trailing behind the other two because he hasn’t yet said I love you, but even then… I wonder if that squirt will be enough to put him ahead.  Still with me?

Tonight Emily has a romantic beach date and she is definitely expecting an “I love you.”  But before he professes his feelings, Sean shares a letter he has written to Ricki and it is maybe the most honest, sincere and well-written letter ever read aloud on this show. Ever.  I’m dying in relief.  “I hope to honor you by loving your mom…” Sean says he is excited for his life to change and to be a dad, and assures her that his family has given their blessing and he can’t picture his life without Emily. He finally tells Emily he’s in love with her and she is beaming but instead of saying Sean’s ready to love her forever, she says Sean is ready to love his wife forever. Hmmm….

Sean makes it clear that the fantasy suite will be uninterrupted time together to talk and doesn’t seem at all disappointed when she kicks him out (politely and with a kiss) so he walks away thinking there’s no doubt about it: he’s gonna marry that girl.

Jef

“I’m 100% that I want to be with her but I’m not 100% that this is going to work out.” -Jef, the realist.

“Ricki is the biggest part of Emily’s life and I hope to be the second biggest part of Emily’s life.” -Jef, the practical family man.

“I think we balance each other out…I said that I could keep you out of trouble and you could get me into some trouble. You get me.” -Emily, being lame.

Jef says lots of super lovely things about Emily while they play a sunset montage of the two of them making out and making googly eyes at each other. Emily definitely seems a lot more comfortable and smitten with Jef than with Sean and maybe it’s because she’s had more time to revel in it, but she seems very giddy about Jef saying he loved her.

“The only thing I don’t know about Emily is what it’s like to be with her around Ricki,” says Jef.  I don’t think this statement is lost on Jef who understands that that’s maybe the most important thing there is to know about her. What if you hate her kid? What if she’s a little terror? Then what?

Jef asks Emily quite a few serious questions and her answers sound vaguely rehearsed.
Where would you want to live? I’d like to start our own life together somewhere. I’ve never been to SLC so I don’t know if I’d like it there but I’d want to be wherever you are.
Why haven’t things worked out with other guys? Blah blah blah…something about a spark missing…
Do you think I’m a good fit for Ricki? She doesn’t really answer except to say she can picture Jef at home with her while she’s making lunch for Ricki. And he seems satisfied with this. Mmmm…lunch. Things are all good. Men and their food.

“Our families are going to be watching and I want to be respectful…I plan on spending every night with you in our own fantasy suite.” – Jef, the gentleman, before saying something about “bridling these passions.”

All I can think about while she and Jef are making out is: I wonder where she got that dress? She seems kinda bummed that Jef took the wind out of her sails to turn her down for the fantasy suite before she could turn him down.

Arie
All Arie can think about is when he can propose to her. Their connection was immediate and they waste no time talking before they start making out. They go swimming with dolphins in the open ocean which is really awesome. Emily says she knows Arie would be a great dad because of how protective he is of her. And Arie says she saves all the best dates for him, which might be true. And then they continue to make out and talk about how they can never talk because they’re too busy making out. Haha.  Deep.

Emily asks Arie about his regular days and it doesn’t seem to mesh too much. He wakes up at 9. (not with a kid you won’t!) he goes out to dinner with friends and goes out for pretty much every meal because he hates being alone. (hmmm…do you know how to cook?)

Arie says he thinks that he’d thinks he’d need to take it really slow to get close to Ricki, that he’d need to gain her trust by being her buddy and he couldn’t just hop in and fulfill the dad role. Emily seems impressed by this idea but maybe it’s because she’s into the idea of not really having to have him around all the time…earlier this season she told Arie she’d like his racecar driver lifestyle of being away for weeks at a time.  Yeah, sounds awesome, lady. You love him so much you can’t wait for him to leave.  Cool story.

“You’ve been that light at the end of the tunnel for me.” -Emily about Arie

To avoid temptation with Arie, she just doesn’t even give him the fantasy suite card, which I think is absolutely hilarious and I wonder why he doesn’t even say anything about it. Haha. Good Lord, girlfriend. Now she’s crying over her own self restraint.

Chris Harrison’s conversation, like usual, doesn’t reveal anything or help Emily at all. No surprise there.

Video Messages
Sean — the cynic who wants to spend the rest of his life with Emily also wants to be a father to her daughter and live a life in pure happiness. “I love you and I don’t ever want you to forget that.” (Emily seems angry watching this one)
Jef — happy for the journey and now completely in love says their dates have changed his life forever. “At the top of the ferris wheel in London I didn’t ever want to come down, and on the floor in Prague I didn’t ever want to get up.” He’s happy for their future and promises to keep her cheeks sore from laughing. And he also can’t wait to become a family: “together we will watch a thousand sunsets.” (Emily smirks a few times)
Arie — talks about making out. no surprise.  “My heart is always racing toward you.”  Feeling confident about everything, Arie proclaims that “since the beginning it was always you and me.”  He can’t wait to spend the rest of his life reminding her everyday how beautiful she is, inside and out. (Now she’s contemplative and sad)

Roses
Jef
Arie

I am devastated about Sean. I just adore him. Usually I hate when they recycle contestants but I happily nominate him. What a catch. Sad story. I’m pissed at Emily for sitting him down and not saying a word to him, expecting him to say something like he has anything to explain, and the nice guy he is, he does! She sits there silent like a jerk and he sincerely reiterates that he wanted to spend forever with her and he didn’t see goodbye coming. And it doesn’t help that the best thing Emily can come up with to say say is “I wanted it to be you so bad.” She pretty much means “I know you’re way too good for me” and he’s nothing but a gentleman about it and I just ache for him. Dumb broad.

“When she walked out tonight, in my head I thought ‘that’s my wife.’ I knew without a doubt that I was gonna marry her. It hurts. I’ve had all week to think about this. Never did I think that I was going to be going home, all week my thoughts have been consumed with being a father, being a husband, which I was fully prepared to do. I had this beautiful picture of what my life was gonna be like and now it’s gone.” -Sean, sad and embarrassed, yet refined and earnest, probably more than Emily deserves. Sean goes home. If I wasn’t married I’d be one of those crazy but serious ladies writing in to Chris Harrison desperate for a date with him and probably screaming and stalking him at the Men Tell All Show desperate to slip him my number and photo. True story. If that’s gonna be you in the audience next week, good on you, girlfriend. Make that man happy. 

Next week: no sneak peeks but it’s the reunion show where Chris plays therapist and asks questions that demand obvious, dumb answers. Not excited. Not unless they say Sean is the next Bachelor. I like that guy and I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t mind a whole season of his smile and sexy beach bod. Just sayin’.

Sunday, July 22 is the last rose episode and I kinda get the feeling that there isn’t going to be a last rose. Anyone else think that? Ugh. Dumb broad.

Tonight’s beverage of choice was an individual Sofia Blanc de Blancs…it’s the perfect single serving of carbonated white wine with a darling little straw. Super cute. Just like Sean. Hmph.

The Bachelorette Recap episode 5, season 8 – Emily

With a mere 10 gents left, the “H” word is starting to hover more and more but we can’t get to a proposal without a little bit of drama splashed in.  I’m pretty sure this episode will be the climax so I hope you got your fill. 

One-on-one date: Sean – “love takes no prisoners.”
With the pool of men quickly getting shallower (a la Emily’s personality), I have mixed feelings about Sean because he seems like a great guy and I find myself cringing, wondering how he’ll take it when she tosses him back to reality (where hopefully some dazzling, wonderful woman will scooop him up).  This is Sean’s first one-on-one date and he’s feeling strongly for Emily, and she supposedly feeling strongly for him as well. 

I should mention that it’s about that time in the show where the other boys start to get jealous and huff around all pissy for not getting picked to go out and play.  Kalon is moping around, freaking out because he’s not in control while Emily’s calling all the shots.  And then this happens:

“If you become part of her life pretty much any date is gonna be a group date…muahahaha.” -Kalon, clearly not a fan of single moms (despite the fact that he was raised by one).  I estimate this gem of a line probably was said right before his tirade which included calling Emily’s daughter a bunch of baggage.  

Back on the date, Sean passes the boyfriend test when he offers to carry Emily’s handbag and whilst they walk, they stumble upon Speakers Corner where Sean has the chance to say the most eloquent thing that may have ever been said on this show:

“I think loving someone is giving yourself completely to them. Loving them with an eternal type of love. A bond so much deeper than most people can comprehend. I’ve never experienced the type of love that I’m talking to you about, but I have been in the presence of it – my parents have shown me great love. My grandparents have shown me great love. I’m searching for that great love. I haven’t found it yet but I’m hopeful that I will.” – Sean, the romantic

For dinner that night, Emily and Sean dine inside The Tower of London and despite the fact that she clearly sounds sick, they make out a good deal and both seem pretty pleased with it all. Let’s hope the whole house doesn’t get sick, eh?

“I couldn’t imagine anybody being more perfect of a husband than Sean.” – Emily

Group date: “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro. Travis, John, Kalon.
It’s not shocking that the guys are acting out Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet on today’s group date but somehow they all seem shocked after hours of rehearsing that they’ll have to perform in front of a live audience. While everyone is joking around, Kalon is taking it all too seriously and Arie looks like he could use some Xanax.  Travis is having fun and Alejandro looks pretty darn good in his title getup. The whole thing is just awkward so I’m happy it’s over pretty quickly and they get on to the pub, where the following happens:

  • It doesn’t take long for Arie and Emily to find themselves kissing again. 
  • Ryan gives Emily a gold and turquoise necklace (apparently turquoise is her fave), and then delights us with his wisdom: “When a girl tells you you’re trouble with a smile on her face it usually means she wants to get in trouble.”  You know, I think he and Emily would be good for each other.
  • Doug asks Kalon if what Chris has told Arie is true (whoa, still with me?). What he’s asking is: Did Kalon really actually truly call Ricki baggage?
  • Ryan scorns Kalon and I like him a lot more in protective boyfriend mode.
  • Doug safely secures himself in the friend zone when he tells Emily what Kalon said.  Maybe you can call her after the show to set up a play date, bud.
  • Emily finally shows her spunky southern belle sass when she proclaims to be ready to go all West Virginia hood rat backwoods (or some combination thereof) on Kalon. Fierce.
  • I truly smile for the first time this season when Emily cuts off Kalon and spits his own line right back at him: “I love to hear you talk but not until I’m done…I learned that from you.” And then promptly tells him to “get the f$&! out.” Finger pointing to the door and all.   
  • Guilty and proud of it: “I did say it and I absolutely did mean it,” says Kalon on his way home.
  • Emily tells all the guys how utterly disrespected she feels and how disappointed she is in all of them for not telling her sooner, not fighting for her and Ricki, not standing up for her. Nd one gets a rose and Ricki is the only one sleeping in Emily’s bed tonight.

One-on-one date: Jef
I don’t know what the date card said, but I know it probably sounded like a good idea when it was planned out, but looked really awful to actually be a part of.  During high tea with an etiquette coach you can easily see Jef is bummed he has to share his one-on-one time with an old stuffy lady who’s just bossing them both around – no touching, no talking.  Not a fun date. Emily is pleased to learn that Jef came to her defense during the whole Kalon debacle when they ditch Mrs. Doutbfire to have pints of beer and fish-n-chips at a pub then head to the London Eye for dessert.  Jef makes a promise not to ever lie to Emily and tells her that he’s serious about finding love and is hoping Emily will be his best friend.

“I just want someone to share the details with.” -Jef.

Despite seeming suave, methinks Jef isn’t all that confident but at least he knows it enough to tell Emily he screwed up, missing a lot of opportunities to kiss her and then tries to make up for it. 

“This is definitely the most anticipated kiss of my life.” -Jef

Cocktail party:
Emily asks every guy why they didn’t stand up for her. I wish the producers would have just rolled back-to-back answers from the guys all edited together so we could collectively see all the blank stares and head scratching. Ryan takes Emily up to a balcony to recite some Shakespeare and she is just kicking herself because she’s falling for it. Here comes trouble again…

Emily says “I have butterflies in my stomach when I’m with Sean…but…this is gonna sound cheesy… more so in my heart.”  aww…kinda cute.

Roses:
Sean
Jef
Doug (still in the friend zone)
Ryan, T-R-O-U-B-L-E
Chris, the young’un
John “Wolf”
Travis
Arie

Alejandro is surprised that he’s going home and he’s sad. I am too. He’s way better looking than Wolf.

Coming up: Croatia, hillsides, lots and lots of kissing, Emily walks out on a rose ceremony to ask Chris Harrison who’s not all about her, Emily gets too orange, swimming with dolphins, lots of crying.

Who do you think will make it to hometown dates? 
My guesses are Sean, Jef, Doug (gotta have some time for the kiddos to play together, right?), and Arie. I think Ryan’s the wildcard here but she might let go of him to save herself the heated arguments down the road.  They’re both fiery.

The Bachelorette Recap episode 4, season 8 – Emily

This week I find myself a bit bored by our Bachelorette (is that just me?) while they all find themselves in beautiful Bermuda.

One-on-One Date card: Doug – “let our senses lead the way.”
The guys are all joking around giving Doug a hard time about his nerves before the big date and clearly he’s worked up about it all and the possibility of going home. Emily says she and Doug have a strong connection, the conversation is easy, it seems like they’ve known each other for a long time, and that she’s utterly bored. Okay, she didn’t say that last part – that was me. They go to The Bermuda Perfumery and shop around town, . They walk through the moon gate and make a wish about love…Emily’s wish is life altering: please let me not be single forever. Oi…there is no hope for this woman.

Emily feels Doug might be hiding something and has suspicions that he may be a lot like Brad. When Emily asks Doug what his ex-girlfriend would say about him he gives a lame-o answer: “I spend too much time with my son.” and “I didn’t wash her car enough.” Emily is not amused by his stupid responses that clearly try to paint him positively. But then she goes and does the same thing by saying the worst thing about herself is that she goes out in public in her pajamas. Maybe they are a match.

It gets a bit weirder and even less entertaining when Doug tells the camera that he doesn’t ever make the first move with the ladies. Ever. In his words: “Emily will let Doug know if she wants a kiss.” I think that’s something the ex-girlfriend would have complained about.

Group Date: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kalon – “let’s set sail on the sea of love.”
During a team-on-team sailing competition that puts four against four, the yellow team — Jef, Arie, Ryan, and Kalon – come out ahead to go off into the sunset for more time to spend with Emily. During the group time together we learn:

  • Ryan is the jerk, calling Emily the trophy, as in his possible wife/that night’s prize.
  • Arie is the man to beat. Emily and Arie cozy up together like they’re already a couple.
  • Jef is too nice. And probably too sincere to be on this show. He says he really likes who Emily is and he confesses that he is nervous to invest a lot of emotion. After that they don’t have anything to talk about so he offers to take her back and she agrees, disappointed he didn’t kiss her.
  • Ryan is also pompous. He lets us in on his strategy, noting he’s taking his time this evening “not to impress her but make an impression.” A bad one, I’d say. He tries to flirt by giving her a hard time and she comes back full force repeating every single backhanded statement he’s said thus far. Like she memorized them writing them over and over in her journal or Chris Harrison has a mic in her ear and is reading them off line by line.
  • Ryan is a lecturer, telling Emily she should be setting a good example for all the girls watching the show at home and that going around kissing Arie with other guys in the house is not a ladylike thing to do.
  • Emily’s not as stupid as she looks and the only real impression she gets from Ryan is that he’s super judgy.
  • Nice guys finish first [sometimes]. Jef gets the rose.

Two-on-One Date: John and Nate – “let’s explore this Bermuda love triangle.”
Ryan and Doug ruffle Chris’s young feathers when they guess that John “Wolf” will come home because Nate is only 25. The trio goes out on a yacht and jump off a cliff and not much more. For dinner they head to some caves for some awkwardness served up on a platter. It’s so quiet you can hear all the little droplets of water that also so badly don’t want to be there that they’d rather plunge into the ocean in hopes of being swept away to sea. I don’t quite understand why but John and Nate announce they’re not eating dinner. Maybe in protest? Too nervous to eat? Whatever the reason, it’s weird. Nate says he has a huge crush on her and she has a sweet soul. Emily asks what she should know about Nate and he cries telling her how amazing everyone in his life is. Emily calls him innocent, which in Bachelorette speak is never a good sign. He whispers the softest, weakest “cheers” ever to be toasted and it’s so meek and sad it makes me laugh out loud. John goes into his conversation with Emily confidently to tell Emily he’s not a loud “look at me!” kinda of guy. We don’t see much of a conversation or a connection with either of them so I’m surprised when she breaks it straight to Nate that he’s going home but still gives a rose to John.

Cocktail party:

• Alejandro: Emily swears she can see that Alejandro has a lot of passion in his life and I believe she may be intrigued by him. A mushroom farmer! Who wouldn’t be?!
• Ryan feels like God has really blessed him and he doesn’t want to fall in love with the wrong person. He pretty much asks Emily why she’s worthy. He tells the camera he should be the next Bachelor. Ugh, the way this usually works out, he could be. I revoke him as a pick.
• Arie steals her away and fishes for compliments asking how she feels about him. Emily says that when she’s by herself he’s the person she thinks of.
• Sean and Emily have a cute kiss and I’d like to add him to my pick list. He is super sexy and doesn’t know it.
• Chris is insecure because the other guys are on him about being young so he opens up to Emily about it and she seems to be on his side. He confronts Doug about it and Doug just laughs and says he doesn’t feel threatened by Chris. Chris says he doesn’t believe Doug and thinks he is hiding something but he’s not very articulate so he just walks away looking like a fool.

In a shocking turn of events, this is the first time I’ve appreciated a conversation with Chris Harrison. Emily talks disappointment about Jef not kissing her, trying to figure out what’s wrong with Doug, not being able to stop kissing Arie, and what a manipulator Ryan is and how silly he is to think he has her fooled. Good stuff in that little chat!

Roses:
Doug
John
Jef
Sean
Arie
Travis
Chris
Ryan
Kalon
Alejandro

Going home: Charlie and Michael.

Next week: London. Double decker buses, palaces, city lights, acting, lots of kissing, someone calls Ricki “baggage,” Doug tells Emily someone called Ricki “baggage,” and then what’s likely to be the most exciting thing to happen this season: Emily tells that guy to “get the f&$! out.”. Oooh! That’s gonna be a good one! Any guesses on who it’ll be? Instincts say Kalon, who I’ve now modified not only to look like Ryan Phillippe from Cruel Intentions but also Jude Law from The Holiday.

The Bachelorette Recap episode 3, season 8 – Emily

I didn’t get a chance to watch this week’s episode of The Bachelorette on Monday but I was still giddy to sit down and watch it all play out – for some reason, I’m really invested in this season and I’m still hopefully optimistic despite Emily seeming like she’s not willing to get too deep, thereby making it difficult to truly connect with anyone.  In any case, the dates were super fun.

One-on-One Date: Chris – “Love is a steady climb.”
Out walking the streets of Charlotte, Emily notes feeling unbelievably comfortable with Chris despite his intimidatingly dashing good looks.  They climb the wall of a tall building to get to their dinner spot with a view. Mid-climb a storm starts. Thunder. Lightning. Crowd forming below them. Emily freaking out. They make it to the top and feel a huge sense of accomplishment but Chris thinks he missed his moment for a triumphant kiss.  I agree.

Later plying Chris with compliments (likely to try to get some in return), Emily says taht he’s a confident, manly man and “if I saw you across a bar, I would not talk to you…I mean, I would be too nervous to talk to you.” Chris gives a little eyebrow raise and makes it pretty darn clear he’d run across the room to talk to her.

But, there’s trouble on the horizon when asked about past relationships and Chris shares his last significant other was his high school sweetheart. She’s not the problem; it’s his age.  Emily is clearly saddened to learn that he’s only 25 (a whole year younger than her…gasp!) and now he’s so nervous that he spills out words to prove he’s mature and ready to be a husband and father. Emily says she likes Chris a lot more than she thought she would.

They stroll down the street and happen upon a Luke Bryan (yummy!) concert in downtown Charlotte. Chris really wanted a kiss and out of respect for her asks if he can kiss her at the end of the song and she tells him to go on and give it a try. Looked like it went over pretty well to me but gosh, I sure hate it when they ask for a kiss.  Isn’t it proper ruling that if you have to ask it’s probably not okay? 

Group Date: Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Sean, John, Michael, Doug, Jef,  tony, and Travis – “Let’s play.”
Emily introduces the guys to her best girlfriends so the girls can grill ’em to weed out the suckers. It seems like they are getting some pretty good info from the guys, including what some of them look like without shirts.  We don’t learn until later in the show that Alessandro made an interesting subject. Cheated? Yup. Had a one night stand?  Yup.   Sean, Doug and Ryan are the friend favorites.

“Sean is a genetic gift to the world.” – Emily’s friend, Wendy getting a little saucy.

Emily blows a whistle and lets a bunch of kids loose in the park (seriously, whose kids are these?). While the guys entertain the kiddos, Ryan saunters over to the gals and somehow manages to mention Emily better not get fat because he’d still love her but maybe wouldn’t love on her as much. Ooh ouch. No brownie points for you.  

Later on, Sean gets some alone time with Emily.  He sure is shiny!  He says he hasn’t dated anyone in a year because he’s really selective and looking for what his parents have.  He seems too good to be true in all regards but I don’t know that the family card (aside from being a father to Ricki) really wins over Emily – she doesn’t talk too much about any other family than her daughter. 

Doug the dad gives his 10 minute life story, tells Emily his dad had epilepsy, his mom left. He has a sister. They were in and out of foster homes. Emily tears up (too much depth, I think).

“You have bad days so you know when you have good ones.” – Doug, the profound father.

Tony is visibly upset, missing his son while he’s out playing with other people’s kids.  After tearing up talking to Emily about his son then breaking down after calling his son,Emily finds him and tells him to go home. In the nicest possible way.  But really, get outta here.  

Date rose goes to Sean for being true to what he made himself out to be. [super hunky.]   

One-on-One Date: Arie – “Love is a wild ride.”
I’m sure that Arie was stoked to hear that phrase on the date card. And I’m also sure he was pretty disappointed to find out they flew all the way to Tennessee to go to Dollywood, a big, southern theme park. They head into a theater to write love songs to each other and surprise, surprise! Dolly is there! She sings a song she’s written just for them. [no, it’s not good in case you were wondering.] They dance horribly.  I mean wow, that’s bad.  But Emily is all smiles. Dolly and Emily have a little girl talk and then Dolly plays them a love song she wrote for her husband of 46 years. “From here to the moon and back.”  You can bet you’ll be hearing that song again sometime this season. 

At dinner that night Emily asks Arie more about the girl he dated with two kids (they lived together and it was serious but the relationship didn’t work. Yes, he misses the kids). Arie asks Emily about Brad and why that didn’t work. Moving on quickly, Emily says she likes her own space so she’d be welcoming of Arie’s busy schedule. [read: I want a man to provide for me, but I don’t want him around …maybe why Emily never made the move to live with Brad?]. Emily tries to trick Arie into believing she was sending him home. They make out on the carousel and Emily confesses she’s scared by how much she likes him already and by how much he reminds her of Ricki’s dad.  I see a top contender, folks! 

Cocktail party
When Emily gets alone time with sad boy Kalon who didn’t get a date this week, he dominates the conversation, repeatedly cuts her off and talks over her.  He doesn’t help when he starts in on the “I always believed that my first child would be my own…” speech.  And then, the best part comes when Emily tries to partake in the conversation…

“I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.” – Kalon, getting feisty

“I do like tall, skinny and funny but I do not like tall, skinny and condescending.” -Emily, getting real

 Most importantly: I figured out who Kalon looks like.  Any guesses?? See below.

I thought the egg spashing scene would be a lot more cathartic. Turns out, no.  It wasn’t.   

Alessandro confesses he doesn’t have experience with kids and digs a deep hole he can’t crawl out of by informing Emily that becoming a dad and a husband are compromises because he’d be tied down…the conversation went a little like this:

Allessandro: “Yes, being a dad and a husband is a compromise.  I can’t travel, I can’t go anywhere….[Emily interjects to make sure she’s understanding correctly] …wha?  No. Aah, no no.  We’re not having language barrier issues.  I’m expressing myself.”

Emily: “And now you’re going home.”

Alessandro: “I’m living like a gypsy king with freedom.”

Emily is upset for all of 30 seconds until Arie consoles her with a big hug and kiss.  And now the other guys are fuming. Front-runner competition for sure! Plus, he’s got the whole racing thing on his side…I can see why the guys are freaking out.

Arie may have come in with a kiss and a hug, but Sean comes in as a knight in shining armor, telling Emily that his father taught him how to be an amazing father and that he would feel blessed to have Ricki as a daughter and if they were to get married.  Furthermore, he proclaims (without even having met her yet), that if he becomes a stepdad to Ricki, she can call him whatever she’d like but to him, she’d be his daughter.  Aww…a little too soon, but sweet.

Roses:
Chris
Sean
Arie
Jef
Charlie
Doug
Michael
Travis
Alejandro
Ryan
John
Kalon
Nate 

Stevie goes home. Ryan is a little heartbroken about seeing Emily kissing Arie so he’s ready to get competitive.

Next up: In Bermuda for cliff jumping, fireworks, bonfires, yachts, boats, racing, cliff jumping. Chris and Doug get in a tiff (a two-on-one date, perhaps?), and the guys question Ryan’s integrity.

Who does Kalon look like?  Ryan Phillippe.  Like Ryan Phillippe in Cruel Intentions, right?