This week I find myself a bit bored by our Bachelorette (is that just me?) while they all find themselves in beautiful Bermuda.

One-on-One Date card: Doug – “let our senses lead the way.”
The guys are all joking around giving Doug a hard time about his nerves before the big date and clearly he’s worked up about it all and the possibility of going home. Emily says she and Doug have a strong connection, the conversation is easy, it seems like they’ve known each other for a long time, and that she’s utterly bored. Okay, she didn’t say that last part – that was me. They go to The Bermuda Perfumery and shop around town, . They walk through the moon gate and make a wish about love…Emily’s wish is life altering: please let me not be single forever. Oi…there is no hope for this woman.

Emily feels Doug might be hiding something and has suspicions that he may be a lot like Brad. When Emily asks Doug what his ex-girlfriend would say about him he gives a lame-o answer: “I spend too much time with my son.” and “I didn’t wash her car enough.” Emily is not amused by his stupid responses that clearly try to paint him positively. But then she goes and does the same thing by saying the worst thing about herself is that she goes out in public in her pajamas. Maybe they are a match.

It gets a bit weirder and even less entertaining when Doug tells the camera that he doesn’t ever make the first move with the ladies. Ever. In his words: “Emily will let Doug know if she wants a kiss.” I think that’s something the ex-girlfriend would have complained about.

Group Date: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kalon – “let’s set sail on the sea of love.”
During a team-on-team sailing competition that puts four against four, the yellow team — Jef, Arie, Ryan, and Kalon – come out ahead to go off into the sunset for more time to spend with Emily. During the group time together we learn:

• Ryan is the jerk, calling Emily the trophy, as in his possible wife/that night’s prize.
• Arie is the man to beat. Emily and Arie cozy up together like they’re already a couple.
• Jef is too nice. And probably too sincere to be on this show. He says he really likes who Emily is and he confesses that he is nervous to invest a lot of emotion. After that they don’t have anything to talk about so he offers to take her back and she agrees, disappointed he didn’t kiss her.
• Ryan is also pompous. He lets us in on his strategy, noting he’s taking his time this evening “not to impress her but make an impression.” A bad one, I’d say. He tries to flirt by giving her a hard time and she comes back full force repeating every single backhanded statement he’s said thus far. Like she memorized them writing them over and over in her journal or Chris Harrison has a mic in her ear and is reading them off line by line.
• Ryan is a lecturer, telling Emily she should be setting a good example for all the girls watching the show at home and that going around kissing Arie with other guys in the house is not a ladylike thing to do.
• Emily’s not as stupid as she looks and the only real impression she gets from Ryan is that he’s super judgy.
• Nice guys finish first [sometimes]. Jef gets the rose.

Two-on-One Date: John and Nate – “let’s explore this Bermuda love triangle.”
Ryan and Doug ruffle Chris’s young feathers when they guess that John “Wolf” will come home because Nate is only 25. The trio goes out on a yacht and jump off a cliff and not much more. For dinner they head to some caves for some awkwardness served up on a platter. It’s so quiet you can hear all the little droplets of water that also so badly don’t want to be there that they’d rather plunge into the ocean in hopes of being swept away to sea. I don’t quite understand why but John and Nate announce they’re not eating dinner. Maybe in protest? Too nervous to eat? Whatever the reason, it’s weird. Nate says he has a huge crush on her and she has a sweet soul. Emily asks what she should know about Nate and he cries telling her how amazing everyone in his life is. Emily calls him innocent, which in Bachelorette speak is never a good sign. He whispers the softest, weakest “cheers” ever to be toasted and it’s so meek and sad it makes me laugh out loud. John goes into his conversation with Emily confidently to tell Emily he’s not a loud “look at me!” kinda of guy. We don’t see much of a conversation or a connection with either of them so I’m surprised when she breaks it straight to Nate that he’s going home but still gives a rose to John.

Cocktail party:

• Alejandro: Emily swears she can see that Alejandro has a lot of passion in his life and I believe she may be intrigued by him. A mushroom farmer! Who wouldn’t be?!
• Ryan feels like God has really blessed him and he doesn’t want to fall in love with the wrong person. He pretty much asks Emily why she’s worthy. He tells the camera he should be the next Bachelor. Ugh, the way this usually works out, he could be. I revoke him as a pick.
• Arie steals her away and fishes for compliments asking how she feels about him. Emily says that when she’s by herself he’s the person she thinks of.
• Sean and Emily have a cute kiss and I’d like to add him to my pick list. He is super sexy and doesn’t know it.
• Chris is insecure because the other guys are on him about being young so he opens up to Emily about it and she seems to be on his side. He confronts Doug about it and Doug just laughs and says he doesn’t feel threatened by Chris. Chris says he doesn’t believe Doug and thinks he is hiding something but he’s not very articulate so he just walks away looking like a fool.

In a shocking turn of events, this is the first time I’ve appreciated a conversation with Chris Harrison. Emily talks disappointment about Jef not kissing her, trying to figure out what’s wrong with Doug, not being able to stop kissing Arie, and what a manipulator Ryan is and how silly he is to think he has her fooled. Good stuff in that little chat!

Roses:
Doug
John
Jef
Sean
Arie
Travis
Chris
Ryan
Kalon
Alejandro

Going home: Charlie and Michael.

Next week: London. Double decker buses, palaces, city lights, acting, lots of kissing, someone calls Ricki “baggage,” Doug tells Emily someone called Ricki “baggage,” and then what’s likely to be the most exciting thing to happen this season: Emily tells that guy to “get the f&$! out.”. Oooh! That’s gonna be a good one! Any guesses on who it’ll be? Instincts say Kalon, who I’ve now modified not only to look like Ryan Phillippe from Cruel Intentions but also Jude Law from The Holiday.