Ay yi yi. What a way to go. And what a flop of a season, right? The headlines this morning are hilarious…
“‘The Bachelor’ implodes in real time during most awkward finale ever, thanks to Juan Pablo”
“Juan Pablo Makes His Pick And It’s Okay?”
“‘The Bachelor’ season finale recap: Bait and Ditch”
Here are some of my thoughts from last night’s finale…
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Friends, did you watch last night’s Hometown Date episode?
I don’t have a full-fledged recap this week for Hometown dates because
a) I have a four-month-old
b) I could hardly keep my eyes open to watch the show let alone write about it
c) there’s another episode tonight and
d) it was the most boring episode I can recall in many a Bachelor Hometown Date history.
I mean, aside from discovering that Clare must have had major plastic surgery to escape the ugly genes in her family, there was no big revelation. No difficult encounters, really, except for Andi’s dad who was honestly just being a good dad. It’s understandable that any parent would be cautious and suspicious of a dude asking if he could maybe, if the time is right, and I run it by my daughter, and I ditch these other three babes, if then I decide to propose, would you be cool with that? Dad’s answer: Uhhh…get back to me after all that other bullshit and then we’ll talk. Mmmkay? I would’ve loved it even more if Andi’s dad had a rifle propped up against the wall by the front door. Just to, ya know, reinforce the message that he ain’t messin’ around. And, to his credit, his daughter knows how to handle a gun herself. By the looks of it, she’s not one to tolerate any BS either (we’ll see if the promos for tonight’s episode are correct).
So, what did you think about Hometowns? I felt bad for Renee, but come on, you saw that coming. And she’s a classy broad. If Clare and Juan Pabs do get married and end up having kids of their own, Juan Pablo might discover that she secretly had plastic surgery when their kids turn out ugly. It happened to this guy – maybe – and so the story goes that he successfully sued his wife for being ugly having deceived him with plastic surgery only to be found out when they produced ugly offspring. (I mean, yeah, I feel for the guy a bit. He thinks he’s marrying a hottie and he’s a looker himself and his kids are growing up and he’s like “dang, why are my kids so ugly?”)
Speaking of kids, the one thing that really irked me during all four of the hometown dates is that there was no serious talking about parenthood or about taking on the role of being a step-mom. Nikki is the only one that even flippantly mentions it to her BFF mom, but then again she’s the only one who met Camila so she’s like “yeah, met the chick, she’s cool, I’m good.” Not one of these girls is even questioning getting engaged to this guy and they haven’t even spent quality time with his daughter, let alone him. (Love Andi’s dad for continuously pointing out and questioning why his daughter has only had a single one-on-one date — it’s equal parts pride in his daughter’s awesomeness and part pissed off she isn’t winning). I mean, Juan Pablo won’t frolic in the ocean because he wants to set a good example for his daughter but he’ll bring home a fiance with a ring on her finger?
And Nikki…well, I think she might win this thing. Meeting Camila last week blew my mind. I still can’t get over it. Maybe our boy JP likes the idea of having a nurse around to help him raise his daughter safely. And, she’s around kids all day so she’s used to not speaking in full, articulate sentences. She and Juan Pablo get along great.
Tune in tonight for Fantasy Suites!
Oh, and here’s Juan Pablo being all-around adorable with the yellow M&M:
p.s. you got that I was just kidding about Clare having plastic surgery, right? Or did she? Seriously, it’s hard to believe she is the single sister in that household.
Desiree comes out in bridal white, flashing a happy smile and her shiny engagement ring. Here’s the interesting updates from After the Final Rose:
– Brooks faces Desiree for the first time after breaking her heart leaving Antigua. Brooks says that watching the show back was difficult but Des commends him for being so honest, which is what helped her to move on. As far as regrets go, Brooks is easy on himself and Desiree is easy on the situation as well. Oddly enough, Brooks didn’t know what had happened so Desiree had to say “Well, you leaving was actually really great.” And when she tells Brooks that she’s engaged to Chris, he says he’s not surprised at all. A very easy, uninteresting interview actually.
– Drew‘s interview is long and drawn out and there’s really not much you can say about it. It wasn’t there. He’s fine. She’s fine. He wants her to be happy. She wants him to be happy. And the “could I have done something different?” “No.” “Drew, are you still in love with Des?” “No. But…I have nothing but love for you.” The end.
– Chris comes out and Chris Harrison waits a whole one minute before bringing up Brooks. Way to ruin a moment, guy. Once we see how happy the newly engaged couple is to be reunited again, we get to rewatch their proposal. Cute. But we just saw it five minutes ago, so thanks for that. New developments: Desiree is moving to Seattle this weekend. They got a new place so they’ll have a fresh start to their new life together. (read: I didn’t want any of his crap). In true Chris fashion, he’s written a poem for Desiree, framed with dried rose petals from each of the rose ceremonies. Super sappy but they seem happy.
– The next Bachelor is….Juan Pablo! I’m telling you, the accent wins every time. Here’s what you need to know: Juan Pablo is 32, he grew up in Venezuela, he was a professional soccer player, he moved to Miami, had a daughter who is now 4 years old, and he speaks highly of his daughter’s mom. Juan Pablo wants to a) find a stepmom for his daughter and b) wants more kids. He’s finding it hard to be a single dad and find a good mate, which I’d assume is just because he’s so good looking that he doesn’t ever settle down, but apparently, he’s ready to be a one-woman man and make more babies. I think there’s plenty of ladies out there looking for a little Latin flair in their life. Juan Pablo seems a little overwhelmed/scared about the throngs of women yelling and screaming. I almost expected some panty flinging on stage. I expect we’ll see a lot of kissing next season because Juan Pablo is a little hard to understand (though I don’t think the ladies will be complaining). We’ll have to wait until January to see how crazy it gets.
You remember where we left our Bachelorette last week, right? A teary, blubbery mess. In the start of this final episode, Desiree sits down with Chris Harrison, clearly heartbroken and still quite disheveled.
“I just want to go home, to be honest,” confesses Desiree.
When Chris Harrison brings up Drew and Chris, the remaining two princes who love love love her and want nothing but to sweep her off her feet, Desiree seems apathetic. But the show must go on, right? Cue the hopeful music and right on time Desiree sings to the tune, agreeing to see Drew and Chris and continue on with the rose ceremony even though she’s devastated by Brooks’ departure. The question on everyone’s mind is whether Brooks will be making a reappearance this episode because, really, how could she all of a sudden act like she’d be happy with either of the two consolation prizes remaining men.
Rose Ceremony – “And then there were two”
At the rose ceremony, Desiree puts on a strong face to tell both guys that even though Brooks has chosen to leave, she does not want his departure to affect the individual relationships she’s established with the two of them. But then she just about begs Chris and Drew to let her know if they don’t want the rose. She’s obviously super paranoid that nobody likes her and she might be unlovable. However, as predicted, they both happily accept, albeit a tad bewildered by the sobfest they’ve just witnessed. (P.S. Is it just me or is Chris looking hunkier than his usual poetry-spouting self?)
Last Date with Drew
On their horseback riding date to the beach, Desiree is somber and sad, which is a stark contrast to Drew’s uppity “I’m so in love” stupor. Drew is ready to tell Desiree that he’s not ever ever ever going to leave her and he can’t wait to meet her family and propose and start their happily ever after. And just after he finishes a toast to being truly, madly, deeply in love, Desiree gives him the tried and true “we need to talk.” Through whiny tears she tells him that she doesn’t know if she can see herself loving him the way he deserves to be loved. And as he sheds a few tears and mutters “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know” in response, he completely lets her off the hook by saying probably the classiest farewell speech ever:
“You don’t have to be sorry for not being in love with me; it’s not something you control, it just happens. Just because I see something, that doesn’t mean you have to feel it or see the same thing. And, I wouldn’t want that. I would want you to be as in love with me as I am with you. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I don’t know. And I don’t know when it will really sink in but um…I guess this is goodbye.” – Drew, winner of the classiest departure ever award.
Chris
Desiree is hoping that spending some time with Chris will turn her frown upside down. She says that seeing Chris walk up made her feel hopeful and much different than she felt with Drew. Good sign. Chris gives Desiree an “I’ll be there for you” speech, which reminds Desiree that he’s the strong yet gentle soul she needs. They take a private catamaran ride, cuddling, kissing and chatting the whole time. Chris sees this time as validation and Desiree seems to be rediscovering what a great guy he is.
Feeling renewed in her spirit, Desiree is pleased that she continued on with Chris and has decided to open herself back up to the possibility of being with Chris. Still fragile with abandonment issues, Chris says some magic words when he tells her that he feels confident that in their relationship, he never feels like they take a step back and even when they are apart, they are able to pick right back up where they left off. [See, if you recall, Brooks said that their time apart always felt like taking steps back to him. And the time apart wasn’t that hard. So, it’s probably quite reassuring to Des to hear from Chris that he’s not feeling like that at all.]
Chris gifts a journal to Desiree with a poignant quote:
“The greatest thing in the world is not so much where we are but the direction of where we are going.”
Whoa. Well done, sir. To top it off, he’s also hand written out all of the poems he’s written for her in the back of the journal. Not my cup of tea, but since it’s something they’ve shared throughout their entire time together, it’s super sweet. And now Des is teary because she feels so lucky that he loves her. Sort of embarrassed, she admits that no one has ever loved her as much as she loved them so it’s been hard for her to recognize and accept such sincere and complete love from Chris. And now she confesses that she feels like a total idiot guilty for not fully loving him before, blinded by Brooks and his luscious locks.
Non-sequitor: Catherine and Sean Lowe are there at the taping with nothing profound to say, but then again, none of the past contestants they brought back say anything of value, so feel free to skip that part if you’ve got it on your DVR.
Meeting the Family
Dad, Mom and Brother are there to meet Chris. He comes across confident and personable, even while Brother grills Chris with a ton of questions. I’m not even sure Mom gets a question in but luckily Dad asks Chris to step away with him for some one-on-one time. Chris makes it clear that he’s felt confident about his feelings for Des from early on before he asks Dad for permission to propose to Des. Dad happily gives his consent but not without a stern warning that he’d better take care of his baby girl. You tell ’em, pop.
When Des sits down with Brother, he asks if she wants to marry Chris and her response makes me cringe: “at this moment, yeah.” Brother isn’t as stupid as he seems and her poor choice of words makes him wonder whether her feelings might change or if she’s settling after losing Brooks. Brother says he likes Chris and thinks that Desiree is making the right choice, which is oddly supportive from what we’ve seen of him in the past. Continuing to be surprisingly intuitive and caring in his questioning, Brother asks about Brooks and whether she’s disappointed and hurt and even ready to go forward with someone else.
The Final Rose & A Proposal
Neil Lane shows up with the rings (the best part, right?) and the one Chris picks is a stunner (but then again, aren’t they all?). Desiree seems excited to know that Chris will be showing up to propose soon, but weirdly decides that before he gets down on one knee, he needs to know the truth about how she felt about Brooks. Is it just me or does that seem like it’s totally going to ruin the moment? Eek.
Chris gives a beautiful, beautiful speech to Desiree and just as he gets the courage to get down on one knee, she stops him so she can tell him that she sent Drew home earlier in the week and that he’s the only one left, he’s the only one who met her family. Yay! But then she continues on, confessing to Chris that she was heartbroken when Brooks left because she was in love with him and it caused her to be torn between the two of them. Boo! But…then she realized that because she was so blindsided by his leaving, she wasn’t able to see what/who was right in front of her the whole time. Yay? And there it is, what Chris has been waiting for: an “I love you” from Desiree. It sure took a weird road to get there, but I guess the point is they’re there.
And after some crying and laughing and kissing and lots of “I love you’s” exchanged, Chris finally gets down on one knee for real and asks her to marry him, to which she happily says “Yes…a thousand times!” (sounds like somebody’s been watching Pride & Prejudice and rehearsing their proposal acceptance!)
Want to know what happens After the Final Rose — read the recap!
With just three gents left, Desiree is in Antigua, which I can confirm is a super romantic place because Mumbles and I honeymooned there. But, I can pretty confidently say that we had a lot more fun than Desiree is about to. Tears, tears, tears. Goodness me.
Clearly, Desiree is more in love with Brooks than the other two fellas…but my hunch is that this is foreshadowing the heartbreak to come because Brooks is the only guy yet to say ‘I love you.’
Drew. I don’t know why but I want to call him Pony Boy. I wish I would’ve thought of that earlier in the season. He’s so boyishly good looking. And Desiree has noticed. I think she’s mentioned his abs like eight times so far. Their date is pretty typical, walking around the town, buying souvenirs, and recapping the Hometown Date. It’s all easy peasy, life is good, let’s be sweet, but it doesn’t feel like Desiree is really into it. Except there’s lots of making out. But, that’s to be expected at this point, right? So maybe she’s into it, but she’ll be over it as soon as the next guy comes along.
To Drew’s delight, their dinner on the beach gets rained out so they head to the fantasy suite early. Drew tells Desiree he hasn’t yet picked out a ring but he was ready a few weeks ago and he feels confident (especially after her meeting his family) that she’s the one. Another unanswered “I love you” from Drew and some ugly kissing. Doesn’t look fun. Doesn’t sound fun either. But the cameras get kicked out and we can only assume what happened next…
Chris is an easy choice for Des. They seem easy and relaxed together, and super cheesy too. All the season are blurring together so I can’t be certain if this is the first helicopter ride this season (seems unlikely) but Chris is stoked nonetheless. They land on the island of Barbuda, which makes me think of Pirates of the Caribbean. Savvy? Desiree gushes over meeting Chris’s family and he assures her that they loved her. Chris and Des making out on the beach, rolling around in the sand…looks a lot less ugly than Drew and Des kissing, I’ll give ’em that.
Over dinner, Desiree wants to talk future and Chris tells Des that he’d like to stay in Seattle — he found a career there that he loves and he can see himself there raising a family there. Des says California is her home because she doesn’t feel home anywhere else but concedes that she’s not afraid to get up and go to make the sacrifice to settle down and so, yeah, after all that, she’d be open to move to Seattle. Des says Chris makes her feel comfortable and their relationship is easy. Chris agrees to the fantasy suite and of course, it wouldn’t be complete without…you guessed it! A poem.
Brooks is wondering why he’s not yet at the point where he feels like he can tell Desiree he loves her. He goes to get guidance from his family in Boise and he’s trying to work through his feelings. He tells his family that he’s really uncomfortable with the idea of proposing to Desiree at the end of this, and, in fact, avoids the question about loving her. It sounds like he wants to be in love with her and maybe wishes he was, but he’s just not. In explaining his situation to his family he answers his own dilemma: he’s not in love with her. But after coming to this conclusion, they all start talking her up and going over how amazing she is. Confusing. Well, at least this show has groomed us to believe this is weird. But if I pull it out of context, it’s pretty normal that this guy might not be super eager to get down on one knee after such a short amount of time. On television. With crazy, staged dates. While competing against other men. Maybe Brooks is normal.
Brooks invites Chris Harrison over to his suite in Antigua to let him down. It’s like a practice break up. Like if you break up with The Bachelorette, you also have to break up with Chris Harrison. You gotta give it to Chris when he just comes right out and asks the question: are you just not sure or are you just not in love with her? Brooks doesn’t have an answer right away but finally tells Chris that he’s come to the conclusion that he doesn’t think Des is the love of his life. 100% sure. Not in love with her. Not going to be in love with her. Ouch.
After Desiree finishes her monologue of how in love with Brooks she is, Brooks shows up and she can tell immediately that something is wrong. They sit down to chat and they’re both tearing up before any words are even said. Brooks takes the long road around and Desiree tries with a sad plea before she finally just asks: how do you really feel? And he replies that he really wants to be madly in love with her and that’s enough for her to know that she had picked the wrong guy. She picked the one that didn’t like her back. She is blubbering and crying and finally tells Brooks that she is in love with him (to which he replies “why didn’t you tell me earlier?” like it would have made a difference?) and announces that he’s breaking her heart. Oh, he knows. And, apparently a glutton for punishment, Des just keeps proclaiming that she loves him. Probably to make him feel worse. Not sure it works, though. Commence Tearfest 2013, starring Brooks and Des. Des is in super self-pity mode and Brooks is beating himself up. Apparently he thought he was a bit more apathetic than he truly is. His limo speech on the way home wishes Des well, hoping that she’ll find love with Drew or Chris, or just that she’ll find what she’s looking for.
Now Des feels guilty because she has two amazing guys who do love her but she can’t love them with all she has to give because she loves Brooks. So, she says, it’s over.
Next week: the finale.
Do you think she’s going home solo?
Stick Girl JAM 