Ay yi yi. What a way to go. And what a flop of a season, right? The headlines this morning are hilarious…
“‘The Bachelor’ implodes in real time during most awkward finale ever, thanks to Juan Pablo”
“Juan Pablo Makes His Pick And It’s Okay?”
“‘The Bachelor’ season finale recap: Bait and Ditch”

Here are some of my thoughts from last night’s finale…

On one hand, I can’t fault Juan Pabs for straight up telling Clare he didn’t know her too well. Frankly, I don’t think he knew any of the women well. In fact, he made it pretty clear through his lack of dialogue and generous groping that his priorities lie elsewhere.  He probably thought Clare would be along for that ride since frolicking in the ocean (and, ahem, other stuff) was at her prompting. Heck, he probably thought whispering (though,with the helicopter, I guess it could have been more of a yell, which probably comes off mean) dirty words to her was all part of the charade. It was probably after seeing her disgust at the dirty talk that he decided she wouldn’t be worth keeping around.

After Juan Pablo nonchalantly tells her it’s time to go, Clare lays into him with what she knows is the most insulting thing she could say: “I would never want my children having a father like you.” Ouch.

If I were Clare, I’d be angry too. She really thought she had played her cards right. And, can’t blame girlfriend for trying to bust out of her crazy house full of single sisters. But she should’ve said sayonara after his own mom said he was a rude dude. 

And then there’s Nikki who also really, really thought she was getting a ring, poor girl. And what girl in her right mind wouldn’t be furious to hear that yes, he does have a ring, but no, she can’t have it. In all honesty, I totally think it’s appropriate to not end the season with a proposal. It is, after all, only a few weeks of knowing and dating someone. And that’s not even considering that this woman would be a potential step-mom. Buuuut, that’s not what he signed up for. The Bachelor exists to make happy, sappy love stories. And we definitely didn’t get that tuning in this season.

Did anyone else feel like Nikki and Juan Pablo have some sort of arrangement now? Or they’re not even really dating? Or they are dating but he’s also dating a lot of other women? Whatever the real story is, the fact that all our minds assume something suspicious is enough.

Juan Pablo pretty much sums up the whole experience in a “what more do you want from me?” type of statement: “I’m with somebody — look, I’ve been happy, four months happy.” He’s like, isn’t that enough? Geez this is hard. I only get one woman? This sucks. I want it to be over.

Was it just me or was Chris Harrison brilliant? I usually loathe the guy for all of his cheesiness but maybe now that he’s divorced himself he can more easily roll his eyes and scoff at the ridiculousness of it all. He was so pissed last night! I loved it! He tried — really tried- — his darnedest to get Juan Pablo to say he loved Nikki, but…nope.

Seeing Chris Harrison so awkward, in shock and angry made me the happiest. That was truly entertaining. Also, I was secretly hoping Neil Lane would pop in and ask for the ring back. Ha!

Clearly ABC has realized that they can’t build a season of The Bachelor on looks alone. Hence, bringing in the Assistant District Attorney (let’s call her ADAndi, shall we?) as the next Bachelorette. Brains and beauty – that’s the key. Because one without the other is always going to be boring. At least we know we’ll get some guns next season…that should be interesting.

What did you think of last night’s finale and After the Final Rose? Do you prefer seasons of the Bachelor when we get to fume and rant about what a jerk he is or when you’re reaching for tissues and another bite of Ben & Jerry’s?

And I know we say this every season (because, let’s be real here, every season is awful in its own right) but will you watch the next season?

P.S. My favorite two comments from that TIME recap: 

Worst Behavior: As Chris Harrison comforts Clare, Juan Pablo watches her walk away on Chris’ arm and blurts, “Phew, glad I didn’t pick her!” Line to pick up your pitchforks forms on the right, torches on the left.

Best Real Talk: When Nikki asks what life will be like when they are done with living in luxury hotels on tropical islands, Juan Pablo tells her: “I’ll have a bed, TV and my office. We can watch some movies.” What else will they have? The ankle bracelet he’s wearing.