This week finds us in Taipei, Taiwan. There are six guys left with only 4 dates to be had…3-one-on-one dates with no roses and one group date with one rose up for grabs. 

JP is jealous already and scared of losing Ashley while everyone is feeling the pressure wanting to make it to the next round for hometown dates.

One-on-one date: Constantine “let your love light shine”
The pair will be taking a steam engine to a small village for a lantern festival. Constantine wants to know if it’s a speed train, while Ashley notes that their relationship is moving super slow. BFOTB makes it known this train ain’t no Hogwarts Express. I fully agree. Clearly, we are more excited about Harry Potter later this week than the entire season of this show combined.  Ashley and Constantine paint their love wishes on a lantern and being a man of many family traditions, Constantine is taking it very seriously.

Ashley tells Constantine that she is really attracted to him physically. We think he looks like an oaf. They seem to be having a nice conversation and Ashley is surprised that Constantine remembers things that she’s said in the past.  Seriously, lady, raise your standards. In regards to how slowly their relationship is moving Constantine says he’s not trying to speed it up or force anything to happen, he’s just waiting for a moment when he knows. That’s all fine and well and normal for regular dating, dude, but this here’s a competition and you’re gonna have to step it up.

To top it all off they have a super lame, sappy peck kiss session. Mumbles and BFOTB’s husband compare it to mild salsa. All the right ingredients. Not enough spice.

All the lanterns released into the sky…so romantic…until you view it through BFOTB’s eyes: littering. Seriously, I wonder where all those love wishes go to die?

One-on-One Date: Ben “let’s spend a gorges day together.”
I seriously wonder if Ashley told producers that she “likes to explore” as her idea of dream dates because practically every date has involved gallivanting around a village or city. But this one is totally different because they’ll be exploring a park…on a moped. Ben drops the “precious cargo” line which makes Mumbles laugh because he gets that speech from my Dad every time we leave their house, and we’ve been together for over 7 years.

Ben F is falling in love with Ashley but he doesn’t want to tell her yet. Mumbles notes that Ben just pulled an “upper like” on her…he recognizes an “upper like” when he sees/hears it because he pulled that crap on me when we were dating. Ashley says she feels like Ben is her boyfriend.

The perhaps only interesting thing about this episode is that JP gets super pissed because Ben didn’t come home from his date until the morning. 

Group Date: Lucas, Ames & JP “I’m grooming you for the Big Day”
Ashley is excited to be taking wedding photos in a wedding district in Taipei. Reminds me of Las Tunas in Temple City…anyone?  I think putting on wedding dresses before you’re getting married with a bunch of guys you’re dating is awful. But, it makes it a little better that the guys look ridiculous. Except JP comes out in a James Bond tux. Ugh, he is such a cry baby who is now grinning from ear-to-ear because he got his way. I feel like JP and Ashley deserve each other. I can see their future now: insecurity-induced fights and long nights full of questions like “do you think I’m pretty?” 

Lucas is in traditional Chinese garb and when Lucas and Ashley kiss on camera the veins in JP’s forehead bulge. Ames and Ashley’s shoot is super cute in a tree. Whimsical.  He’s wearing a light blue sequined tux.  His photo definitely came out best.

Lucas says he felt out of place in a dress because he’s traditional and was a bit jealous to see JP in a tux and her in a white dress with flowers. He’s already had a wedding so maybe Ashley thought he wouldn’t mind. Lucas says he’s ready to be married again. He misses the simple pleasures of marriage and wants to have kids. 

Ames brought some photos to share. Ashley tells Ames that he’s the most unique person she’s ever met. [Not good]. Ames is wearing hot pink skinny jeans. [Also not good].

JP shares that he was unhappy and jealous all week. His veins are still bulging. Ashley sees the potential for a hulk-esque moment and asks if JP got mad or got in fights with the other guys because he was upset. He says no and so she rewards him with a rose.

One-on-One Date: Ryan “let’s get a taste of Taipei.”
The foreshadowing here is that Ryan is wearing a Pepto pink shirt…something to ease your stomach later on. Ryan seems desperate to find a woman and make it work. His words: he’s yearning to focus his life on one person and build a partnership. They make a wish in front of the matchmaker and the stones they throw land on the same side, which apparently is a bad thing but I couldn’t really tell because it didn’t seem to phase our Bachelorette. They sit on steps and watch some people doing Tai Chi. Ashley doesn’t feel ready to meet Ryan’s family, she doesn’t feel a romantic connection.

Ashley asks for a tip to help her “go green” and Ryan starts talking about the most boring possible thing: water heaters.  Apparently that was his shot to redemption and he completely failed. Ashley gives Ryan the “you’re a great guy” speech. He looks confused. She tells Ryan she’s not feeling a romantic connection. He is surprised. Not quite understanding he asks in a high pitched voice “so you don’t want to meet my family?” They part ways and now Ashley doesn’t know if she made the right decision.

Ryan wipes away one. glistening. tear.
Then he cries, curses and walks off camera to hide behind the bushes.
There’s a lot of voice cracking.
He has to fetch his own cab, too.

For all you single ladies out there, word from our friend Casey is that you can find Ryan soaking up the sunshine in Corona Del Mar on his beach cruiser. You’re welcome.

Ashley says she doesn’t want a cocktail party, she’s ready to go. (at this point we wonder if she’s super bummed and wishes she could bring back other contestants from reject-land). 

Roses:
JP
Constantine
Ben
Ames

Looks like oil and sun didnt fair well on tonight’s show.  Lucas is a gentleman saying goodbye to Ashley. He says he was shocked. Ashley tells him she felt a super strong romantic connection. (IE: “wish we would have hopped in the sack before you left”). And we would have liked to see a football game in Odessa but we’re over it.  Thanks for nothing, Ashley.

Ashley is a crying mess. She’s ready to get outta Asia.

I know I’m not even going out on a limb when I say: Worst. Bachelorette. Season. EVER.  Seriously, I long for the days of cocky/errogant/entertaining Bachelors like Andrew Firestone and Charlie O’Connell.  Those were fun seasons.

Now an uninformative and uninteresting interview with Emily about her breakup with Brad.  Is anyone [other than Chris Harrison] surprised to see her in that chair? She looks amazing but it doesn’t help to mask the fact that half of this conversation consists of “um” and “you know” filler…No, Emily, we don’t know. That’s why you’re here.

She’s disappointed. She’ll always love Brad. [Liar]. She has nothing bad to say about him. [Don’t believe it]. She wanted to be married and have more kids. What she wanted for their relationship didn’t match up with the reality.  [Boring].  We were a little worried they were going to announce her as the next Bachelorette but could they honestly pull that off?  Might be the controversy the show needs but Emily would look like a total fool. [More than she does already]. 

Next week: hometowns, roller skating, restaurant cooking, Greek dancing, meeting moms and dads. More boring but one step closer to the end!

PS. Constantine and Ashley’s love lantern got pissed on by a stray dog. Haha. They never show the good stuff during the show.