The Bachelor Recap episode 6, season 16

Welcome to Panama City, Panama!  Ben welcomes the ladies to their impressive accommodations at the Trump Ocean Club and as viewers we pick up where we left off – Blakeley is still desperate for a one-on-one date.  Sadly for her, it’s not happening.

One-on-one date: “Will our love survive? Pack three things.”
Kacie B.

Cutie Pie Kacie B. is the first lucky lady to get a second one-on-one. They take a helicopter ride (shocking, right?) around the city to a deserted island. Ben is fearful that they may run out of things to say while stranded together.  Tasked to bring three items with her, all I need to know about Kacie B. is that she chose a MacGuiver inspired corkscrew/knife. Oh, and candy, too. Good call, girlfriend. 

Kacie and Ben don’t have much time to talk whilst chopping at trees with a machete that Ben thoughtfully brought to hack at coconuts and such. On a serious note, Kacie opens up at dinner about an eating disorder she overcame as a teen – she is apprehensive but seems sincere in sharing, wanting Ben to know what’s lead her to become the woman she is today. Ben is supportive and excited to get to know Kacie more, gives her the rose and all is happy and well.

Group date: “let’s get lost.” (or my alternative: “Loincloths and loonies.”)
Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey S., Courtney, Jamie
During a boat ride, the group spots young boys playing soccer in little loin cloths. They pull over and all the kids run away. Not a good sign. Turns out they just went to put on bigger loin cloths.  That’s nice.  The village women take the ladies to put on traditional attire over their swimsuits but in a not surprising move, Courtney doesn’t wear her bikini top underneath her bejeweled top. “Trying the local flavor” is how i believe she justified that one.  She and Ben are quite the pair in their scantily clad garb. Ben is very pleased. 

“I’ve got moves they’ve never seen.” -Courtney, as the blurred bar over her topless chest has a hard time keeping up with her jiggling movements.  Hey, kudos to her – I’m sure she’s provided at least one person with a full-time editing job on this episode.  Schoolgirl flirting tactics at work, instead of helping Ben with his tribal tattoo-inspired body painting, she decides instead to brand him with a B + C = <3. Classy. I’m sure he loved it.

Lindzi and Ben have a nice chat. Lindzi admits that while she puts on the tough lady persona, she’s cried realizing her boyfriend has multiple girlfriends. Ben seems pleased. They make out.

Ben pulls Courtney away and he tells her how much he appreciates her assertiveness and attention and recognizes that it probably gets her in hot water with the other ladies. True story. [cue Courtney’s signature pursed lips, eyebrow raise, smirk, evil eye sparkle.]

Jamie hasn’t kissed Ben yet – she’s probably the only one. She sets out to kiss him but Courtney lingers poolside in the background and Ben’s eyes can’t help but wander to her while Jamie continues a constant stream of word vomit, talking talking talking. Jamie claims to be super anxious and excited and isn’t learning from Courtney that you gotta make the moves yourself. Meanwhile, Courtney continues “winning” in a game apparently she is the only one playing – tempting Ben and testing his focus and restraint, at which he is completely failing.

Emily and Ben get some alone time and instead of ruining it with courtney complaints, she reveals to Ben that there’s another man in her life…a very recent development she claims she wasn’t expecting…well…it’s the Chief.  Ben cracks up. It’s hilarious. She totally pulled it off. Very clever, that girl.  Now knowing she’s impressed Ben with her wit and charm, she is feeling good about herself and where she stands.  With this newfound confidence she decides to apologize to Courtney for making rash judgments.  It’s all quite lovely until Courtney declares that its too late – bridge has already been burned and Emily ain’t never gettin’ off that list.  Whoa.  Understood. 

Ben interjects at that very heated moment to steal Lindzi away so he can give her the rose.

Back with the group, Ben is thanking the girls for a great date and Courtney lets out a loud, audible sigh, clearly bored with the competition.  Apparently relieved to be back in her hotel room, Courtney gets dolled up in anticipation of Ben taking her up on her offer to visit her hotel room.  She waits up and in her voice over we hear her crying, disappointed that Ben never showed.  Wah wah wah….

Two-on-one date: “save the last dance for me” Blakeley and Rachel
Blakeley is so excited to finally have some time with Ben (even though it isn’t exactly the one-on-one she so wanted) and in contrast, Rachel is extremely nervous. The three’s a crowd date starts out exactly as awkward as its going to be all night with a three person hug. Totally lame. Ben is on the hunt for chemistry but honestly, it’s awful with them both. Their dresses are unflattering and hideous – like Big [Blue] Bird and Barbie/Bubblicious/Pepto Cupcake in dress form.  The dancing is hard to watch from my couch so I imagine being there in person wasn’t much more tolerable. In fact, Blakeley laughs out loud at how awful Rachel is. When Blakeley gets Ben alone she cries and presents him with a scrapbook. If Ben isn’t completely scared off at this point, well then gosh. I just don’t know what to say about that. Luckily, Ben is freaked out by receiving a scrapbook from someone he hasn’t even been out with alone yet. He gives Rachel the rose and Blakeley walks out with Ben trotting after her to explain.  The explanation doesn’t ever really help because he tell them he has relationships that are much farther along with other girls to which they just get even more bitter because they blame him for not giving a one-on-one date sooner. Ah, the vicious cycle.

Back at the hotel, Chris Harrison makes a surprise visit to speak with Casey S.  Following a “hey buddy ol’ pal” pat on the shoulder, he reveals to her that three sources have told him she is in love with someone else. Her boyfriend: Michael. Chris says that he spoke to Michael, and in his perspective he believes they are still in a relationship and she was practically living with him before she came on the show. She goes from denying it, to agreeing he’s her ex-boyfriend, to admitting she needs therapy, to saying she doesn’t want to be in love with him, she came on the show hoping to get over him, and now she wishes he would change and want to get married. Okay, yeah, she is in love with him. Yeah, hey, sure, let’s go tell Ben.  Who would’ve thought two girls this episode would be telling Ben they’re in love with someone else. (at least Emily’s was funny).

Ben seems a bit surprised but also happy to have an explanation as to why Casey has been aloof. She talks herself into a hole telling Ben she came on the show to get over her ex. To sum it up for you, this is pretty much how she explained it: “He didn’t want to marry me …you wanna get married…see where I was going with that? And now if i go back…well he doesn’t want me either.”  Ben doesn’t sugar coat it and tells her that she should go home. She waits to get out into the hallway before completely losing it. Luckily Chris is there to console her. Whoa, she’s an ugly crier. I feel ya girlfriend, I am too.

Cocktail party:
Nicki pounces on the opportunity to drench Ben in overtly intense confessions of feeling.  Ben’s mouth says he’s not scared by this, but the eyes bugging out of his head indicate otherwise.  Nicki confesses to the camera that she thinks she’s falling in love. 

Acknowledging that she’s been quite the prude, Jamie tries to remedy her “left-in-the-dust” status with Ben by awkwardly showing him how sexy had intended to be the other day before chickening out while he wasn’t paying attention to her at all because Courtney was frolicking in the pool behind her. Oh, but there Jamie goes trying to straddle him. But, oh! Wait! Dress rips. “Fancy” she calls it.  This is Jamie being fancy. This is funny is what it is. She’s giggling I think out of delirium and I am in need of more wine. A lot more wine.  This is not sexy.  Realizing this isn’t working, she’s decided to logistically talk through what this is supposed to be like in her head so hopefully it will play out right.  Mapping out their plan of kiss attack, this is all just agony as we witness what is clearly the least amount of chemistry leading into the worst kiss experience ever. Bet he would have kept CPA Kissing Queen around a little longer, huh?

Roses:
Lindzi – maybe the most normal at this point.
Kacie B. – still the sweetheart of the group.
Rachel – can’t dance.
Nicki – what do you call a young cougar? I think that might explain Nicki.
Courtney – sourpuss who’s been stood up.
Emily – came to her senses and might have a shot.

Jamie gets sent home but at least she went out with a bang of a performance.

Next week:
Headed to Belize with six ladies left before homeowne dates.  Looks like we’re in store for more dancing and boat rides, and while Kacie will tell Ben she’s falling in love with him, Ben will tell Courtney he sees her in his life, and to complete the circle, Kacie will caution Ben to be careful with Courtney.  (Does this remind anyone else of the chase scene at the end of My Best Friend’s Wedding when George asks “if Michael’s chasing Kimmy, and you’re chasing Michael, who is chasing you?”…I don’t know…I’m a little worried for Kacie.)

Emily wins the gold star for this episode, not only with her funny Chief charade, but busting out a primal rap she wrote at the end. I wasn’t even nervous watching it so you know it was funny. 

P.S. We had major tv issues tonight at our house which caused a minor anxiety attack but luckily Mumbles came to the rescue. Poor tv is really working overtime on Mondays now: Bachelor, The Voice, HIMYM, 2 Broke Girls, Castle, Alcatraz, Smash, Gossip Girl, Hart of Dixie…I got a lot going on.

 

 

The Bachelor Recap episode 5, season 16

There are 11 ladies left and this week is in Puerto Rico, which means it is really starting to suck get serious…honestly, stuck in a hotel room with a bunch of girls you barely know instead of having a good time exploring the city with a guy you’re kinda sorta dating, plus if you get sent home, it’s a long lonely plane ride.  Good news is every girl gets a date this week. And the first is… 

One -on-one date: “let’s find new love in old San Juan” (spoken in really bad Spanish)  Nicki
Ben says Nicki brings out a playful kid-like side of him. Helicopter escort picks them up for a tour of old San Juan. Nicki is elated and says, “We’re doing things we’ve never done before, like God is smiling down on us (as they buy snow cones from a street vendor)…it’s so perfect, like nothing could go wrong (cue terrential downpour).”

According to Ben: “It’s raining gatos.”  (y por que no perros, Ben?)

Now they get to buy new clothes and walk all over town and they find themselves on a bench across the street from a church wedding just about to start, the perfect opportunity for Ben to bring up her failed past marriage.  Coincidence? I think not. Ben says he’s not sure if he’s ready to get engaged…but in contrast Nicki’s already been married. Coming clean on the shortcomings to her failed marriage, Nicki is desperate to make Ben believe she deserves a second chance at love.

Group date: “Diamonds are a girls beat friend” Lindzi, Courtney, jennifer, Kacie B., Emily, Rachel, Casey s, Jamie, Blakeley.
Oh, Benny boop oop sure tricked us all…he’s not talking diamond jewelry just yet! For now, it’s a baseball diamond…talk about disappointment!  Not sure how or why the women are surprised, as clearly diamonds weren’t the perfect accessory to complement the athletic ensembles the producers instructed all the ladies to wear.  (Although, diamond jewelry to wear later on would have been a clever touch.)

After some practice drills, buddy boy Chris Harrison shows up to announce a romantic beach party happening later but…wait for it…not everyone is invited. Oh no! Winners get Ben on the beach, losers get sent back to the hotel to wallow with Ben & Jerry.  To add to the anxiety of rejection, it’s time to pick teams – of course Emily & Courtney are on opposite teams – and Lindzi is chosen by Ben as the MVP to play on both teams.

“Who knew that strippers could play baseball…?” – Courtney, in reference to Blakeley.

Blakeley gives her losing blue team a “I can’t believe you didn’t want this as bad as I did/why didn’t you play extra curricular softball prior to the show to train for this exact moment?” speech. Okay, that’s not a direct quote but you get the gist. Lots of tears in the loser’s dugout and on the bus ride back to the hotel, smearing that black paint under the eyes (which is a lot worse than mascara, let me tell you).

Musings from Courtney indicate that she has no competition in Lindzi, Jamie, or Casey S., but that cutie pie Kacie B. is one to worry about. I notice that Kacie B. is one of if not the youngest girl here. Age ain’t nothin’ but a thing for Ben as he tells her how much he likes her and appreciates her.  This leads Courtney to come up with a plan of her own to lure Ben away after he returns from giving Kacie B. the rose…to show him what a real woman is all about. In her words, “these girls have no idea what I’m capable of.”  [eyebrow raise, sly smile, weird chuckle, eye twinkle/sparkle].

“Let’s go skinny dipping…It’s not every day we’re in Puerto Rico together…” [although in case you’ve forgotten, I was just here…just not with you.] –Courtney  (yeah, I may have taken some liberties of translating her eyebrow movements in that last part of the quote).

One-on-one date:  “Let’s find love somewhere private” Elyse
She’s got on her huge hoop earrings, a tighter dress than necessary, and a super fake orange tan to match — just in time for their yacht to pull up off the shoreline. Ben’s intro into this date sounds like Ben wants to give Elyse a nice lavish date before sending her packing. Until he learns that Elyse left her job and missed her best friend’s wedding to be there. Ooh. Ouch. Clearly the conversation isn’t getting much better, so hey, let’s jump off the boat a few times!

[insert commercial which confirms casting for next Bachelorette, Emily Maynard, Brad’s ex-fiancée/single mom].

A candlelit dinner on the beach – Ben’s hair is a floppy mess, which looks ridiculous paired with a tuxedo. Ben is quite clearly turned off by Elyse’s comments about having accomplished everything she wanted to as a single lady and now just wanting to be engaged and married…she’s just so sick of being single, gosh darn it!  Ah, yes, then Elyse gives Ben just the opening he needs by saying “There’s no need to not be honest with people, ya know?…it just makes things worse”  Promptly agreeing with a seemingly heavy heart, Ben quickly tells her that he hasn’t found in her what he has found with other women, and with only a little time left with other women, he can’t give her the rose. Oh, and he’s sorry.  I think they should at least give her a bottle of wine to booze it up on the way out, don’t you? 

Then there’s Ben walking barefoot on the beach, pant legs rolled up, strolling in the moonlight with rose in hand, a sweaty, fake-sad mess.  Nice shot.

I don’t know why the girls are all so crazy shocked when the bellman comes to get Elyse’s bag. I smirk in like-minded thinking when Courtney wonders aloud whether Elyse drank too much and “her Jersey Shore came out.” Hey, not too far off, right?

Musings from Courtney: “I guess Elyse leaving is bittersweet; sweet for me, bitter for her.”

Ready to make good on her promise from the group date, Courtney is hiding out sneakily in a staircase with a bottle of wine and two wine glasses for a nightcap. “I’m hoping I’m a vision for him… A sight for sore eyes because after the date with Elyse his eyes are probably sore.” – Courtney

Ben looks like a scared schoolboy who thinks he’s in trouble and then like he’s getting peer pressured into something naughty.  Trying to establish and understand the parameters and probably wanting to make sure he heard her right…”you wanna get full-on naked, right?”  They strip down and jump in the waves, and frolick and laugh then make out and probably a lot more than that which we can’t see.

Cocktail Party
Ben says he and Courtney shared a very intimate moment and now he feels really crappy. Totally sounds like manipulative peer pressure remorse.  Or like he didn’t use protection and he’s wondering if maybe Emily is right and maybe Courtney really is crazy and deceitful and maybe now he just fathered a child with a crazy lady.  A hot, crazy lady.  Essentially, he’s trying to give himself a pep talk to try not to keep picturing Courtney naked when he sees other girls. I think he’s pretty much picked his winner and this show is over. Agree?

•   Jennifer wants to take Ben home to meet her family. And keep her reign as best kisser.
•   Blakeley tells Ben that she had an epiphany: she finally realized she deserves to find a good man and good love. Ben tells her he’s happy she opened up because it’s been so hot and cold between them. And I think really he just wanted to have a hot and heavy make out session. Hmmm….maybe enough to keep her in the game another week. But definitely has provided him with the easy out that she’s now been given a new outlook on love and life, and he’s played his part in making it all happen.
•   Courtney is trying to hint to the girls that she went skinny dipping by starting the conversation.  If Kacie B. would’ve had an opportunity to chime in with her sorority/girl scout icebreakers, it might have escalated into a game of “I never.”  I almost wish Courtney would just tell them to cause a crazy stir.
•   Emily apologizes to Ben for bringing up Courtney last week and tells Ben she’s going to keep focused on just the two of them but then proceeds to get back into defending what she said last week because she thinks Courtney is a weirdo. You’re getting your doctorate, honey, use your big girl words. Ben advises Emily to put it out of her head and tread lightly.  Translate: “I’m gonna marry that girl with the awesome, naked body and you’re going home.”

 Ben says this has been the most pivotal week so far. Yeah, duh. A model got naked with you, dude! Doesn’t get much better than that on this show.

Roses:
Nicki, who’s a bit needy
Kacie B., the cutie pie
Lindzi, the MVP
Jamie – still gets no air time
Rachel…blah.
Courtney – is winning
Casey S., Courtney’ss BFF
Blakeley – stripper who defies odds by playing baseball
Emily – now walking on eggshells

Whoa! Guess he got all the smooching he needed from Jennifer now that he’s quite a few bases ahead with Courtney. She’s super classy saying goodbye, poor thing, but (much like me) is not a graceful crier.

Panama City, Panama is up next week.  I’m gonna go out on a limb and throw my picks for hometown dates: Courtney, Kacie B., Lindzi, and Nicki. Or maybe Jamie…she doesn’t get any airtime plus she had an interesting home life which would make for an entertaining home visit.  Who are your top four picks? 

The Bachelor Recap Episode 4, season 16

Let’s dive right into it this week, shall we?

One-on-one date: Rachel  lets bore the heck out of each other [what the date card should have said]
Rachel and Ben take a helicopter ride through picturesque mountains to arrive at a lake for a picnic in a canoe – wow, that’s a lot of transportation. Quite romantic and secluded, it’s just the two of them (with the exception of all the bugs and strategically placed cameras).

Rachel and Ben spend a good few minutes talking about the weather, squinting because it’s sunny, then “oh, hey, thats a beaver dam….” and you can literally hear toads croaking.  Ben says they have good chemistry.  Huh.  Didn’t see that, bud. Later at dinner, they talk a good while about the decor in the room and then Rachel makes a mistake telling Ben there’s no point in continuing a relationship that doesn’t work for the long haul. He agrees. Then she overcompensated, blabbing a bunch of nothing for five minutes. Ugh, he gives her a rose anyway. It’s a good thing Ben thinks she’s pretty.

Group Date: Jaime, Casey S., Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., Courtney  “Let’s see if you’re a great catch”
Ben rides in on a horse and Lindzi’s thunder is officially stolen.  Just kidding, she thinks it is super hot.  Nicki is all googley-eyed about it too. Anyone else think Nicki’s got a little closet crazy that’s getting ready to come out soon?

Musings from Courtney: “I don’t think this [the date] is about catching trout…it’s more about catching Ben. Catching fish probably isn’t much harder than catching a man and I’ve done that before…it’s all about making moves at the right time, and I don’t see anyone making any moves…”

While the other girls start drinking, Courtney pulls Ben away upstream. Lindzi catches on a bit to the notion that this is a competition and being the outdoorsy gal she is, she thinks she’s got this in the bag.  Uh oh! Courtney catches the first and only fish of the day. Foreshadowing, perhaps? 

Later on, Ben has his eyes set on Casey S., and just as they start a conversation (we learn Ben has been in love four times), we see all the girls toast to not interrupting personal time and Nicki says she can’t commit to that, excusing herself to interrupt Casey S. and steal Ben away for private time together.

Samantha seems like a blubbering idiot, perhaps trying to seem confident by confronting Ben to ask what he’s thinking, and scolding/asking why she hasn’t been on a one-on-one date. Well, Samantha, Ben has noticed that you’ve been highly emotional on group dates and that you seem to have anger and frustration issues. Which is probably why Ben then tells her a) he doesn’t see this going much farther b) she doesn’t take this seriously enough and c) they should end it. Right now. d) [awkward].  e) no, really, you should go.  [where is Chris Harrison to tell her to pack her things and go? Seriously, dude, that’s practically your only job.]

Ben pulls Kacie B. away to tell her that he really wanted to kiss her in the river but the death glares from other women stopped him. Having gotten her reassurance from him, she is happy and smiling ear-to-ear.  Now Ben claims to be scared because it’s so early he likes her so much. She’s wonderful. We think so too. But gotta say I’m a little worried it might not end well.

Courtney is pleased to have alone time with Ben to tell him “two’s fun, three’s a crowd.”  And 13 is…? What’s that, huh?  Ben seems a little irritated and for a minute we almost think he’s seeing through the charade, but… ah…no.  Her plan sure does work like a charm and Ben gives her the rose to reassure her of his feelings and convince her to stay. In the confessional (when the true colors and claws come out), Courtney says “winning!”. I know this was taped a while ago, but whoever is still saying winning is definitely losing. Or is really crazy/brilliant like Charlie Sheen. I haven’t decided yet.  Again, refer to Barney Stinson’s crazy/hot scale. 

One-on-one date: Jennifer  “Let’s pick our love song”
Ben and Jennifer hop a no trespassing gate and Ben explains to her that they’re going down into a crater. Appropriately, Jennifer admits she’s silently freaking out. They repel down into the crater then drop into the water and swim around a bit.  Wonder how long that lasted…

At dinner Jennifer says she was in a four year relationship but the guy didn’t want to marry her so she walked away. Ben senses that Jennifer might be a little too 9 to 5 but she corrects him: it’s more like 8 to 5.  The loose cannon he is, Ben wonders if she can go with the flow, be spontaneous? Apparently so, as it starts to pour and they have to take a mad dash to shelter.  Continuing their dinner date and despite the fact that he just told her he really went into the date thinking they wouldn’t be able to relate and connect, Ben gives her the rose and she seems too excited to have really understood what he just said [“I don’t think we connect on any other level than with our lips.”].

They come down the hill in a gondola to find a Clay Walker concert going on. They dance, it’s cute. More kissing, lots of smiling. The end.

Meanwhile back at the house Courtney pulls out the epic tell-all statement: I get along better with guys than girls.  Of course you do, honey.

Cocktail party
Emily, the doctor, tells Ben that it hurts her to see how different Courtney is with him than she is with the group.  After doing so, she is quite confident she just sent herself home because clearly Ben is not putting up with anyone talking poorly about his beloved. Not sure why she chose tonight seeing as Courtney already has a rose.  Doctor lady is not so smart.  Dwelling in her likely demise, Emily tries to confide in the other girls in hopes for support but is shocked when Casey S. sticks up for Courtney saying that she is really sweet and very genuine. Casey promptly runs off to tell Courtney of the betrayal.  And then, Courtney’s reponse:

“I’m a nice person; don’t f*%! with me…I want to rip her head off and verbally assault her or shave her eyebrows off.”   – Courtney, a nice person

Nicki and Ben head upstairs to play in the snow and kiss a little bit. Crazy is still confined in there somewhere, I’m sure of it.

In a girl scout/sorority-esque moment [hey, ain’t nothin’ wrong with that!], Kacie B. tries to melt the ice in the room by asking “how many of you have learned more about yourself in the last two weeks than in the last two years.” It gets chillier when Courtney doesn’t raise her hand, is adamant she knows herself extremely well and confronts Emily about her bad-mouthing to Ben. Icy.

Roses:
Rachel (boring)
Courtney (winning)
Jennifer (accountant)
Lindzi (horse rider)
Jamie (never gets air time)
Nicki (still waiting for crazy to come out)
Kacie B. (Ben’s Minka Kelly)
Elyse (is still here?)
Blakeley (is seeming a bit more normal lately)
Casey S. (Courtney’s BFF)
Emily (doomed doctor) 

Going home: Poor Monica has been like the helpful mom of the group (despite a weird confrontational start) and has given a listening ear to all. It seems more like a biological clock disappointment than sadness about not being right for Ben, but still, she seemed nice.

Puerto Rico is up next and all the girls are excited and thrilled while Courtney rolls her eyes and announces she was just there two months ago. “Well, we’re going back!,” announces Ben. Yachts, kissing, rain, waves, moonlit beaches, more Courtney bashing, and Courtney and Ben skinny dipping.

P.S. not just a VIP cocktail waitress, Blakeley knows how to stomp. Not the yard, just on a table, but hey, still ups her cool factor.

The Bachelor Recap episode 3, season 16

This week we find Ben and his harem in San Francisco to get in on the treat everyone’s always talking about.  You’re probably thinking Rice-A-Roni but I’m talking about a whole lotta lip-lockin’…yup, if you thought week two was full of it, just know Mumbles was counting kisses this episode and it was up around 8. [I know it is extremely unromatic of me but does anyone else wonder if the participants on this show have to disclose if they have any communicable diseases?  All I keep wondering when I see him – or any of the Bachelors/Bachelorettes – making out with multiple people is whether he just contracted herpes. And then gave it to someone else. And then the next… Seems like they should be sending the girls home in the limo with prescriptions for at-home treatment.]

I digress. Back to the show. Ben’s sister is here to have a little chit chat – her name is Julie and I think she looks a bit like Khloe Kardashian minus the millions and the Spanx. During their coffee shop convo he divulges that he thinks Jennifer the number cruncher is the best kisser.  

One-on-one date: “love lifts us up.”
Emily

Having stated in the hotel room that she is deathly afraid of heights, when Emily finds out her first date with Ben will be climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge, she clearly wants to die. Says so herself.  At our house we simultaneously raise eyebrows and let out a little yelp/chuckle of sadness/fear/empathy for the poor girl when we realize this date has not been set up by an adventure climbing company or some extreme sport group but rather…CalTrans. How romantic.

Back at the hotel room, Jennifer uses the telescope to find Ben and Emily stalled on the bridge. [Cue collective outbursts from the jealous girls.]  While Emily contemplates her death by plunge, Ben decides to cure her fears with a kiss. She smiles, they scream it out and trudge on up to the top. 

Quite profoundly, Emily has changed her perspective on heights noting, “A bridge takes two things that are separate and brings them together,” and likens that to her and Ben’s lives.

At a waterfront dinner with views of the bridge, Emily confesses that she’s had some abysmal dating experiences including getting matched by an online dating service with her older brother. Awkward. Funny, but awkward.

Ben explains that his father loved his mother and he always said she was smarter than he was, so Ben thinks it appropriate to carry on that tradition with Emily, the doctor. He gives her the rose, they drink champagne, and the fireworks show starts – a private show, but not private enough that it doesn’t make all the girls press their noses to the window in jealousy back at the hotel.

Group date: “Let’s cross something off our leap list.”
Blakeley, Jaclyn, Casey S., Erika, Samantha, Jamie, Elyse, Monica, Rachel, Nicki, Kacie B.

After piling in their Honda-sponsored little SUVs with skiis on top, the girls hike up a San Fran hill in inappropriate footwear and fluttery dresses to find a street shut down and covered with snow.  Snow skiing down a San Fran hill street…in bikinis!  Definitely think Ben put this on his “Producers, make this happen for me” list.  Kacie B is by far the cutest – girl can’t ski at all but she is all smiles and just darling coming down the hill backwards, butt up in the air, falling all over herself. 

I hate the alone time Rachel and Ben have. Gross.

Kacie and Ben take a stroll outside. Ben says she sparkles. Ben says she’s trouble. Good trouble. They kiss a lot.

Blakeley looks way better without makeup. Ben gives her some strong advice: be nice and try to make friends.

Ben gives the rose to Rachel. Woof. She reminds me of this actress.

One-on-one date: “let’s unlock our key to the city.”
Brittney

Brittney is utterly shocked when the date card is read aloud and her name is on it.  Everyone assumed Lindzi would get the date because she got the first impression rose but has yet to go on a date.  Commentary from Mumbles: “Brittney gets confused when she gets asked out on a date after going on a dating show….this chick isn’t going to last long.” 

 After much internal dispute, restless furrowing of the eyebrows and some tears about how hard it is to be on this show, Brittney says her heart isn’t in it, packs her bag, says bye to the girls, and tells the camera that she needs to leave…forever. She struts into the group date with her luggage and interrupts the evening to tell Ben she is leaving. He puts her in a cab and tells her to say hi to her grandma. Well now, isn’t this something.  A little down and out about getting rejected before even going on the date, the bright side is Ben is now free to rendezvous with someone else and that someone is…Lindzi.  Yay, consolation date!

 Fill-in One-on-one date: “let’s see San Fran at night.” 
Lindzi

Lindzi and Ben take a trolley car around the city, grab some ice cream, go through Chinatown, and use that key Brittney must have given back to unlock city hall.  Inside the deserted building is Matt Nathanson (Mumbles whispers “who?” and I don’t know either) is playing live so they dance and kiss.

 After the concert they head to the seedy Tenderloin neighborhood and use the password to get into Bourbon & Branch, an awesome speakeasy with fabulous libations…it just so happens to be where my best girlfriends and I started my bachelorette weekend extravaganza – see the photo proof here. [P.S. It is news to us that they serve food because we drank our dinner then got AMAZING pizza from a hole-in-the-wall place when we left.]

 To end their night, the couple pops into a piano store so Ben can impress Lindzi with his romantic piano playing. It works.  It kinda works on me and Mac, too.  Good song choice. Plus, glossy red piano?  Yes, please!

 Cocktail Party
The drama continues when a mystery lady calls Chris to let him know that she is on her way to San Francisco so Ben can fall in love with her. She sounds like a crazy and when she gets out of the car, it’s Shawntel the funeral director from Brad’s season. Oddly she says she’s really confident that she’s going to be with Ben forever. Makes us think that perhaps Shawntel and Ben had a little rendezvous of their own.

Jennifer the good kisser gets more tongue time with Ben. He says she’s still got it.

Interesting musings from Courtney:

  • “Blakeley is the kind of girl that your boyfriend cheats on you with.”  [True]
  • In saying that she has the best connection with Ben and he should send everyone else home – her choice of words: “it’s time to trim the fat.” A bit ironic coming from a model, but probably intended to be a dig at the non-model ladies in the room.  And by that I mean everyone else.

Ben takes Courtney up to the roof and they exchange “I like you”s and “I like you a lot”s. And then some saliva.

 Elyse is awful and a little soprano/jersey shore-esque (or maybe the show where they are hairdressers?). What I’m sure was a very enlightening conversation was abruptly interrupted by the funeral director’s arrival. Shawntel waltzes on into the suite and sends the other women into a frantic frenzy.  Shawntel says and Ben agrees that yes, they have in fact talked before but he still can’t figure out why she is here. [Side note because girls are flipping out and crying and having little tantrums: I understand it’s upsetting to have more competition come in, but Brittney just left so it’s like there is an opening…right?]  Ben seems intrigued by Shawntel but fears he might upset some of the girls he has his heart set on sleeping with kissing getting to know better if he allows her to stay.  All the girls give Shawntel the third degree, tears are shed, and Chris announces the cocktail party is over. 

Roses
Courtney (who makes it known that she is not happy about Shawntel and will not accept this type of behavior moving forward.)
Kacie B.
Elyse
Jamie
Jennifer, the good kisser
Casey S.
Blakeley
Monica
Nicki
Samantha

[Erika passes out]
…And with one rose left, Ben apologizes to Erika, Jaclyn and Shawntel and tells them that he will not be giving out the final rose tonight. Jaclyn is the third girl this season to lock herself in the bathroom to cry. Shawntel is a mess. And later we find out why Ben was so quick to let Erika go: she’s destined to be with the newly single “Guard and protect your heart” Kasey.  Erika reveals a tattoo on the inside of her lip. Super classy.

Next week
Park City, UT is next up on the trip so Ben and the ladies can experience the outdoors. Emily puts her fate on the line by crossing Courtney and revealing her double sidedness to Ben, Jennifer and Ben look to be having a pretty spectacular date, and Ben sends someone home early.  Fun stuff!

 Lots to choose from this episode – what was your favorite part? 

 I’m still on team Kacie B…who’s your fave?

The Bachelorette Recap, Final Episode & After the Final Rose

Ashley meets her family at a resort and sits down to tell them about the guys. She says she’s in love and she’s ready to get engaged but can’t make up her mind. I call BS.

JP arrives on the beach with wine in hand, noting a proposal is right around the corner. They need to get out of the sun…everyone is sweating like crazy, which is really unattractive and there’s just one poorly placed umbrella as far as we can see.  Everyone is literally wiping their faces with towels they’re so drenched. Gross. Ashley says she was excited and proud to introduce JP to her family and mom gives a toast to welcome him to the family. Ashley’s sister asks some “tough” questions and later tells Ashley flat out that he’s not the one. Mom says they are “ok” together. Wow, what a reception!  Sister says that Ashley is too much for him and she doesn’t think JP can handle her, being the much older man.  Really? I think he’s in his early 30’s.  Ashley immediately starts crying when she realizes that her sister will like Ben a lot more. I think we have our clear-cut winner.  Ashley just wants people to like her so she’s heartbroken that her mom and sister weren’t wowed by the man she’s fallen in love with (not that she’s said it yet). 

Sister tells JP that she’s very skeptical and “doesn’t see it” between them. JP says that he can’t stop smiling when he’s around her and he’s 100% in love with her. Sister is hung up on JP being so much older and will not be happy if JP proposes. And tells him so.  The clincher: Sister says she saw more between Ashley and Brad. Ouch.

“I just have to figure it out.” -Ashley
“I thought you had it figured out.” -JP
…oooohh!  This really leads me to believe Ashley has been telling JP he’s the one for quite some time, which then gets me really angry on Ben’s behalf because the poor guy is getting strung along.  

Ashley has a sit down with the sister to let her know she is not happy and flat out calls her a bitch. Sister says she is protecting Ashley from herself.  I must interject here and say I am not entertained. But then again, I haven’t been all season so I don’t know why I’m surprised. 

Now it’s Ben’s turn and he brings wine to the party too. He is sweaty, sweaty, sweaty… and not the good kind. Earlier in the show BFOTB proclaims that Ashley reminds her of a jack russell terrier. We find out that Ben has a jack russell named Hopscotch. Ahh, it all makes sense. Ben says he is absolutely in love with her and believes that Ashley is in love with him because nothing is forced between them.  Really? Not like the television cameras and awkward silent moments?

Oh, surprise, surprise, sister is a divorcee. That explains a lot. Sister seems content with Ben.

“Ben should win. But he won’t. Just like every other season when they pick the wrong person.” – BFOTB’s husband via text message

For their last date they take a helicopter ride aroundFiji. Ashley says Ben is perfect for her. They arrive at a healing mud bath and get each other all muddy, which they both proclaim to be very sexy. Later in his hotel suite they toast with champagne as Ben tells Ashley that he got her parents permission to propose to her, and he tells her he is in love with her. They kiss. No tongue. Never any tongue. Not a good sign.

Ashley wraps her legs around Ben and all we notice is the bug bite on her butt. 

Now it’s JP’s turn again and as always, she is looking to him to solve all her problems and she again needs reassurance so they have a somewhat difficult conversation. JP tells Ashley that he is madly in love with her, and already told her whole family. JP asks/warns her not to break his heart. Then there’s lots of making out with lots of tongue and JP unravels Ashley’s sarong like he’s done that before. I’m not surprised.

JP gives Ashley a photo and journal scrapbook. Uh oh, Ben didn’t give her a gift. No tongue, no gift. I think we all know where this is going.

“I get lost in JP; I’m completely infatuated with him.” -Ashley

Ben is meeting with Neil Lane to pick out an engagement ring because his heart is set on proposing. He says it wasn’t hard to pick out a ring. I wouldn’t think it would be if you don’t have to pay for it.

JP puts on pink and goes to make his selection. Neil asks him what he’s going to do if she says no. Haha. But whoa, the ring he chooses is gorgeous.

Ben is the first one to land. Ben is crying talking about losing his father and how happy he is to be adding Ashley to his family.  I am so angry at Ashley for letting him get down on one knee. I am writhing in anxiety. So awkward. Why couldn’t she have cut him off before he got down on one knee and actually proposed? What. A. Jerk. Having to stand back up in shame, Ben leaves angry and she runs after him. Ben doesn’t want her to sugar coat it and informs her that there is no way to leave this situation on good terms.

“Good things don’t end unless they end badly.” – Ben
“JP is a wonderful guy. I’m sure you’ll have a nice life together.” – Ben

Rejects get sent home on a motor boat, not a plane. Write that down. And, salt in an open wound: Ben sees JP’s plane flying overhead and then has to pass by Ashley standing there waiting for JP. Seriously, where is that boat taking Ben? Out to the middle of the ocean?  Getting rejected really sucks.  Hope they put a bottle of booze in that boat for him.

This better be an epic proposal. BFOTB and I both have a dark thought; somewhat hoping JP’s plane takes a nose into the water. It doesn’t.

Ashley and JP exchange “you look great” small talk.  JP starts at the beginning, rehashing what it was like getting out of the limo. Two peas in a pod, JP tells Ashley he is scared she doesn’t love him back but this is his leap of faith.

 “I smile because of you. I am madly in love with you.” -JP

Ashley tells JP she has wanted to tell him for forever that she is in love with him.

He gets down on one knee and says “Ashley, will you marry me?”
She says “yes.”
And cue the music…”I can’t fight this feelin’ anymore…” I told you!
And JP gets the last rose. 

At the end, my favorite part:
Ashley asks something along the lines of “can you believe we’re here?” and JP responds, “When you walked in the first rose ceremony and said ‘my husband is in this room,’ I was like ‘what the f&$@ is she talking about?'” hahah!
Ashley exclaims “It’s you!”

After the Final Rose
Ben says that after he was rejected he had to fly home fromFijistraight to his best friend’s wedding. Ooh…ouch. 

Ashley comes out and Chris asks Ben what he’d like to say. Ben’s response: “Nice ring.” Bahaha!  Man, this guy’s a hoot.  It’s the usual boring stuff…”thanks for helping me get to where I am now” and Ashley saying “he’s such a great guy, I’m always going to respect him.”

Ashley flashes that ring as Chris proclaims that she and JP are still engaged. JP comes out and not to disappoint her declaration that he’s a really great kisser, lays some big smooches on her. Chris asks the “why do you love each other?” questions, “how hard has this been?” …blah blah blah.

Ashley’s sister comes up on stage and apologizes for being so overprotective, exclaiming she’s on Team Cupcake (JP’s nickname) now and she can’t wait to introduce him to her kids and celebrate Thanksgivings and Christmases together. Ashley says “well, uh, Hanukkah.” ha, oh, right, yeah.

Where they’re at now: Ashley is finishing school, and then she’s moving toNew Yorkand they’re getting their own place. And as if that huge ring wasn’t enough, the show is sending them back toFiji. 

Well, I confess I’m glad it’s over. What did you think?  Are you going to watch The Bachelor Pad?  

Looking forward (with hope for a better Bachelor/Bachelorette) to next season. Until then – cheers!