The 18 women arrive in Sonoma to get a taste of Ben’s hometown, hopefully his wine, and I’d bet his lips, too.  Week two tongue action?  You betcha.

The #1 One-On-One: Kacie B., Ben’s Minka Kelly
Ben is feeling comfortable with her, their conversation seems easy, and there are lots of smiles and flirting going on as he shows her around town. They sit down in a store/restaurant that’s totally empty so Ben can show her how to play piano (True story: When I was young my mother forced me to sit down in Nordstrom and play the piano for the entire store).  Next stop is a cute little candy and toy shop. In what she cleverly pulls off to seem like a very serious moment, Kacie runs back in the shop to fetch something, comes back out, and tells Ben she has something very important to tell him…she used to twirl batons when she was young. So there they go, marching down the street hand-in-hand, high knees and all as Kacie throws her baton up in the air, and it isn’t long before Ben is catching it for her. 

Although only date one, Ben gets right into it, telling Kacie B. that he could see her in Sonoma. He gives her the rose, a nice first kiss, and tells her he has one more surprise: a reserved movie theater just for them to watch home videos of Kacie and Ben as children. (Why can’t these two interact with other people on this date? There were two random strangers they hugged at one point but other than that I’m not sure why the town had to be cleared out for this date to be deemed successful.)  The waterworks start when Ben hears his father’s voice. Even he admits it was a very personal and intimate thing to share with someone so early on. I concur, but then again, we really gotta cram a lot into just a few weeks so when you think about it, one date has to progress a bit like five in one.  So we’re good.  Unless you’re on a group date…

Group date: “Come play with me.”
Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakeley, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki, Jaclyn. (did I miss a few?)

Ben has arranged for the women to become stars in a play, written by children from the community. Again, Ben, a little too soon…crying in date 1, showing them your paternal instincts on day 2.  This guy isn’t messing around.  The foolishness which is auditioning for a part in a play written by children definitely shows who is willing to let loose.  I think Ben paid those kids to ask Blakeley, AKA the chick in the busom-bearing top, to run in slow motion. And jump around like a gorilla. Okay, maybe the producers went in on that too. Little girl = not a fan. Little boy = big fan.

Back at the house, Courtney is trying to intimidate the two remaining women by proclaiming what a strong, undeniable connection she has with Ben. She flat out tells Lindzi she believes the horse got the first impression rose, not her. But ya know, not to beat a dead horse…yeah, she said that too.   ‎Then came the wine gulp, hair flip, evil grin, eye sparkle.  And that wouldn’t be the last time you saw that sequence of events from her this episode.

Question: What do you get when you cross a gingerbread man and a hooker? (Answer below)

At the Sonoma Community Theater, the ladies act out the play with Ben. And it seems awkward but funny. Totally bearable in this short, edited down version but don’t get me wrong — I would’ve writhed in agony watching that in person.

Question: What happens when a prince kisses an ass? (Answer below)

P.S. I really like this community theater…totally looks like the town hall in Star’s Hollow.

At the first pool party of the season, Samantha can’t stand Blakeley and she’s not taking it well so she takes to drinking instead. And soon enough, she’s in the bathroom pouting.

Question: Who locked herself in the bathroom in episode 1? (Answer below)

Blakeley has her sights set on Ben and explains to him that she couldn’t help that her romper was so tight with her boobs spilling out in front of the little kiddos…she’s just blessed. Blessed in certain areas. Cheers to being blessed.  

Jennifer pulls Ben away for some private time in a secluded pool and works really hard to get Ben to kiss her.  I think she leaned in about 80% and I don’t think he knows anything about her except for what it’s like to kiss her. I also think she’s okay with that.

Blakeley and her blessedness lure Ben in for a major in-pool make out session that seals the deal when it comes to the rose. Ben describes the rose recipient as someone who “owned the day and the night.”  A lady of the night, VIP Cocktail Waitress. Well ain’t that the truth.

One-on-One: “let’s spin the bottle” – Courtney
Ben thinks Courtney is one of the most beautiful women ever. Ben brings his dog, Scotch, along on his date. Maybe she’ll say something snide about the dog and Ben will dismiss her immediately. Ben asks Courtney if she can handle slow time, small town and she says it’s what she’s hoping for. (Really? Living in Hollywood, dating actors and photographers…hopin’ for small town?) She also answers appropriately to every other question Ben asks of her. Hmm…sounds like maybe this model is trying her hand at some acting too.

Arriving on tractor to an intimate dinner under a majestic old tree, Ben and Courtney have what appears to be a very genuine and open conversation. I appreciate fully that he says more than once with caution something along the lines of keeping his guard up about her…”i keep wondering if Courtney is too good to be true. But if this in fact who we each really are, then we’re a good match…” and then after a rose and a few kisses, caution to the wind.

Cocktail Party
Lindzi gets some alone time with Ben and he reassures her that the first impression was strong enough that he could skip giving her a date. Plus, he still remembers her name.  All good things.

Blakeley steals Ben away from Samantha who is at that exact moment trying to redeem herself from being a crazy. She even used the good ole “I’m the type to hang with the guys, I hate drama, I’m cool, I promise.”  In a similar situation Jenna the blogger freezes up during her conversation to be quickly interrupted so the only words she could get out to Ben are “I’m like a guy, I’m not like a girl,” and his response is “I appreciate that.” At this point he could totally be thinking she’s a dude. Yeah, awkward for sure.

What else can a man say when he finds a woman he’s been making out with all week crying and crumpled in a corner amidst piles of luggage but “Uh, hey, what are you doing?” The identity of this sad, sad creature is Blakeley.  Ben gives her a good Chris Harrison inspired speech “take a moment, say your goodbyes collect yourself.”  Surely shaking his head in disbelief, Ben walks out of the luggage room disaster and  follows the sound of muffled cries into a bedroom to discover Jenna crying under covers…since I’m sure we are not playing hide and seek, this is not a good thing.  Somewhere in there, imagine Courtney and her  ‎wine gulp/hair flipevil grin/eye sparkle likening all the drama to war.

 Question: How cute are Kacie B.’s outfit and hair tonight? (Answer below)

Roses:
Kacie B.
Blakeley
Courtney
Jennifer
Emily
Elyse
Jaclyn
Erika
Rachel
Lindzi
Nicki
Casey
Samantha
Monica
Jamie
Brittney 

Sent home:
Shawn, the mom
Jenna, the blogger 

Answer Key:
Blakeley
He likes it
Jenna, the over-analyzer blogger/Rashida Jones lookalike (when she’s not crying)
Pinterest-worthy cute.

Next week: San Francisco
Trolley rides, fireworks, a live concert, bikini roller skating, waterfront dining, Brittney makes a confession/announcement, a blast from the past arrives, and someone passes out.

Ben is back and so am I.  Friends, it was a long night as we rehashed all the heartbreak of last season (remember that awkward blurted out proposal? Oh, and anyone recall Ben floating in the send off boat in the backround as JP arrived to propose?) and dove into what looks like it might shape up to be the most tear-filled season ever. Ever.  Well, a Sweet 16 it ain’t, I’ll tell you that much.  This season of The Bachelor promises to hold a lot of manic, neurotic, feud-filled, alcohol-induced cry fests.  By the way, if I had prizes to give away on this here blog, I’d give a prize to someone who could tell me exactly how much alcohol is required to produce just one episode of this show.  I mean, really.  It seems like it would be a big chunk of the production budget requirement.

As Ben gets ready to make his debut as the Bachelor, notably what’s missing is the obligatory guy-getting-ready-just-out-of-the-shower scene.  I gotta say, this season is gonna be rough because I don’t find Ben to be attractive at all, however he has some humor to redeem him. I’m really counting on that.  

This recap, instead of a play-by-play of the drama, I think it might be best to share instead what we’ve learned through the course of this premiere about each of the ladies.  So, let’s meet them, shall we?  Okay, well, if we must… 

1. Lindzi is a horse rider from Dumpsville (no, not really.  But did her last boyfriend break up with her via text message that said “Welcome to Dumpsville, population YOU?”…yes, apparently).  Causing all the other girls to curse her [producer prompted] creativity with a “Screw you and the horse you rode in on!” welcome, Lindzi moseys on in to Ben’s life on horseback, thus winning herself the first impression rose later on in the evening and a regretful “why didn’t I do anything more than just show up and smile?” grudge from all the other gals.  Oh, and don’t think Ben’s all caught up in the fairytale of his lady riding in on a horse to swoop him off his feet…he said they had great conversations, she made him laugh and she seemed real, too.  Whew!  Almost thought this show was going to start promoting unrealistic relationship expectations.
2. Amber is a tomboy who likes shotguns and reckons she ate dirt as a child.  I believe her.  Also, something about cow balls which Ben simply must try! I am surprised a little later because I’d written down three Ambers and realized I must have a mistake because this can’t also be the same Amber that is also a nurse and takes a stroll around the planter to come back around for a second go in case love at first sight needed another chance.  That was cute.  Please help me clarify as I’m having a hard time believe those were the same person.
3. Kacie looks like a not-so-poor man’s Minka Kelly.  She shows up in a great dress but she looks uncomfortable.  I like her.
4. Courtney looks to be a bit coniving.  She’s got those wide eyes that looks like they have invisible laser beams in them and if she could only focus hard enough, they might actually work.  In real  life though, she’s a model (did she mention that? oh, yeah, I think she did a few times).  Despite her catty attitude I really liked her opening line: “hey, you come here often?” …but it probably would have been funnier last season.  Maybe she figured on using that one in case Brad happened to be The Bachelor again?  We find out she’s a hair girl – constantly complimenting Ben’s and playing with her own. I don’t like her but I have a feeling she’s sticking around.
5. Jamie is a nurse that we’ve dubbed “the babymaker” because she delivers babies and we think that’s cute.  She looks a whole lot better than the rest of her family which we find out she has raised.  Interesting hometown date story there, I’m sure…but will she get that far? 
6. Lyndsie is a world traveler and diplomat’s daughter.  You may remember her from her chin dimple (reminiscent of a one Mr. Incredible)?  Yeah, that one.  She wrote an awful, cheesy poem that I cringed through and we saw her sloppy I-just-threw-my-hair-up-to-wash-my-face bun bounce out the door when she didn’t get a rose last night.  Seriously, if we were playing the “which one of these doesn’t belong?” game, this girl won.
7. Jenna is a writter of a blog called the overanalyst (shall we all guess at how many hits her blog has received in the past few days?) who fancies herself the next Carrie Brandshaw.  Living up to her blog moniker, she becomes overly awkward as she miserably dwells in awkward silence then flubbs up quoting Ben’s quote to him during her introduction.  I decide later on that she looks a bit like Rashida Jones – very cute when she’s not crying – but I take it back after she turns out to be crazy. Butchered his quote. Crying in the bathroom. Suggesting she and Monica share a tampon (how does that sequence of words even come out of your head, lady?)Clearly the over analyst. Clearly a crazy. She can’t speak until words start fumbling out of her mouth and then she can’t shut up talking to herself in the bathroom (alone) as she cries.  She got a lot of air time, though. She’s definitely sticking around to provide more drama. You betcha.
8. Shawn already has a man in her life – a son named Gavin.  Darling.
9. Nicki is a dental hygienist divorcee.  Did anyone else catch that cringe when Ben hears “dental” anything?  Ooh, ouch.  Still a sore spot, eh?
10. Rachel Rose  ….I got nothing. Maybe she’s the one that doesn’t like conflict?  Hmm..what are you doing here, girlfriend? 
11. Erika is a law student from Chicago which sounds distinguished until she pronounced Ben to be “guilty of being sexy” – at least they both laugh at how ridiculous it was.
12. Amber Bacon would like to be known as “The Baconator” and asks Ben if he’d like a little taste of bacon.  Actually, she’s Canadian bacon. Clearly Ben prefers regular bacon. 
13. Elyse  ….again, nothing.
14. Emily is a doctor of transferable diseases which sounds like something you shouldn’t share within the first 5 seconds of meeting someone, but she has a clever little anti-bacterial cleansing charade and smooch lined up for Ben, which is memorable.  What I’d like to forget is the heinous rap she busts out later.  Night one: Not enough wine. Too much awkward. Ugh.
15. Samantha struts in wearing her Miss Pacific Palisades but doesn’t talk too highly of herself, noting she cannot solve world peace problems.  Wait, that’s not what you’re here for?
16. Casey ….clearly not interesting enough to get air time…
17. Shira is an actress and I want her to stick around because I think she’ll provide lots of stuff to make fun of later.
18. Blakeley is a VIP cocktail waitress who has tattoos that would make “guard and protect your heart” Kasey jealous. Oh, also, she might be into girls?  I’m confused.  The producers are excited so just roll with it.
19. Sheryl is a gray-haired doll, retired in Colorado. She’s here to give her granddaughter, Brittney, a leg up on the competition, which is easy because grandma’s on crutches.  (Get it?  Leg up…crutches…okay, not funny).  Ben loves grandmas.  And who doesn’t love a good MeMa?  Major family points.
20. Dianna is a non-profit director but I have a hard time taking her seriously because she is a giggler.
21. Jennifer is a fiery red-headed number cruncher.
22. Some chick shows up and doesn’t say anything, just gives a coy look and walks right by.  Ben thinks that’s clever.  I find out later that her name is Anna.  You find out now that she gets sent home. 
23. Monica misses her dog. She’s wearing a formal dress and a ponytail.  Later she attacks Jenna emotionally then starts to have a crazy cuddle session with the VIP cocktail waitress.  Weird.
24. Jaclyn had killer shoes. That’s all I know.  That’s enough.
25. Holly from Kentucky wears a big floppy Derby hat.  Boys don’t really like big floppy hats. Write that down.

Who had money on Grandma Sheryl being the first gal this season to shed a tear?  Well, don’t get too discouraged…plenty more tears this season to look forward to. 

Roses:
Lindzi and the horse she rode in on – first impression rose
Jamie, the baby maker
Rachel
Blakeley, the VIP cocktail waitress
Emily, the rapping doctor
Kacie B, Ben’s Minka Kelly
Casey S.
Brittney, grandma’s girl
Ericka, lawyer
Shawn
Nicki, dental hygenist divorcee
Jennifer, number cruncher
Elyse
Samantha
Courtney, the model
Jaclyn, with the killer shoes
Monica, the manic
Jenna, the crazy

Really glad both Ambers are gone so I wouldn’t have to clear up the mystery of why I thought there were three of them and also so I don’t have to watch anyone eat cow balls on tv again. 

Coming up this season: Minka Kelly makes it a while, Jennifer the accountant has a hot make out session, Courtney and Ben skinny dipping, lots of tears, someone passing out at a rose ceremony, Courtney acting like one of Helena Bonham Carter’s crazy characters.

Who is your favorite so far?  What are you looking forward to most this season?

 
Insider Tip: If you need more entertainment out of this episode, try mute and slow motion and just watch Ben’s facial expressions then make up your own words. Good stuff.