The Bachelor Recap episode 1, season 16

Ben is back and so am I. Friends, it was a long night as we rehashed all the heartbreak of last season (remember that awkward blurted out proposal? Oh, and anyone recall Ben floating in the send off boat in the backround as JP arrived to propose?) and dove into what looks like it might shape up to be the most tear-filled season ever. Ever. Well, a Sweet 16 it ain’t, I’ll tell you that much. This season of The Bachelor promises to hold a lot of manic, neurotic, feud-filled, alcohol-induced cry fests. By the way, if I had prizes to give away on this here blog, I’d give a prize to someone who could tell me exactly how much alcohol is required to produce just one episode of this show. I mean, really. It seems like it would be a big chunk of the production budget requirement.

As Ben gets ready to make his debut as the Bachelor, notably what’s missing is the obligatory guy-getting-ready-just-out-of-the-shower scene. I gotta say, this season is gonna be rough because I don’t find Ben to be attractive at all, however he has some humor to redeem him. I’m really counting on that.

This recap, instead of a play-by-play of the drama, I think it might be best to share instead what we’ve learned through the course of this premiere about each of the ladies. So, let’s meet them, shall we? Okay, well, if we must…

Lindzi is a horse rider from Dumpsville (no, not really. But did her last boyfriend break up with her via text message that said “Welcome to Dumpsville, population YOU?”…yes, apparently). Causing all the other girls to curse her [producer prompted] creativity with a “Screw you and the horse you rode in on!” welcome, Lindzi moseys on in to Ben’s life on horseback, thus winning herself the first impression rose later on in the evening and a regretful “why didn’t I do anything more than just show up and smile?” grudge from all the other gals. Oh, and don’t think Ben’s all caught up in the fairytale of his lady riding in on a horse to swoop him off his feet…he said they had great conversations, she made him laugh and she seemed real, too. Whew! Almost thought this show was going to start promoting unrealistic relationship expectations.
Amber is a tomboy who likes shotguns and reckons she ate dirt as a child. I believe her. Also, something about cow balls which Ben simply must try! I am surprised a little later because I’d written down three Ambers and realized I must have a mistake because this can’t also be the same Amber that is also a nurse and takes a stroll around the planter to come back around for a second go in case love at first sight needed another chance. That was cute. Please help me clarify as I’m having a hard time believe those were the same person.
Kacie looks like a not-so-poor man’s Minka Kelly. She shows up in a great dress but she looks uncomfortable. I like her.
Courtney looks to be a bit coniving. She’s got those wide eyes that looks like they have invisible laser beams in them and if she could only focus hard enough, they might actually work. In real life though, she’s a model (did she mention that? oh, yeah, I think she did a few times). Despite her catty attitude I really liked her opening line: “hey, you come here often?” …but it probably would have been funnier last season. Maybe she figured on using that one in case Brad happened to be The Bachelor again? We find out she’s a hair girl – constantly complimenting Ben’s and playing with her own. I don’t like her but I have a feeling she’s sticking around.
Jamie is a nurse that we’ve dubbed “the babymaker” because she delivers babies and we think that’s cute. She looks a whole lot better than the rest of her family which we find out she has raised. Interesting hometown date story there, I’m sure…but will she get that far?
Lyndsie is a world traveler and diplomat’s daughter. You may remember her from her chin dimple (reminiscent of a one Mr. Incredible)? Yeah, that one. She wrote an awful, cheesy poem that I cringed through and we saw her sloppy I-just-threw-my-hair-up-to-wash-my-face bun bounce out the door when she didn’t get a rose last night. Seriously, if we were playing the “which one of these doesn’t belong?” game, this girl won.
Jenna is a writter of a blog called the overanalyst (shall we all guess at how many hits her blog has received in the past few days?) who fancies herself the next Carrie Brandshaw. Living up to her blog moniker, she becomes overly awkward as she miserably dwells in awkward silence then flubbs up quoting Ben’s quote to him during her introduction. I decide later on that she looks a bit like Rashida Jones – very cute when she’s not crying – but I take it back after she turns out to be crazy. Butchered his quote. Crying in the bathroom. Suggesting she and Monica share a tampon (how does that sequence of words even come out of your head, lady?)Clearly the over analyst. Clearly a crazy. She can’t speak until words start fumbling out of her mouth and then she can’t shut up talking to herself in the bathroom (alone) as she cries. She got a lot of air time, though. She’s definitely sticking around to provide more drama. You betcha.
Shawn already has a man in her life – a son named Gavin. Darling.
Nicki is a dental hygienist divorcee. Did anyone else catch that cringe when Ben hears “dental” anything? Ooh, ouch. Still a sore spot, eh?
Rachel Rose ….I got nothing. Maybe she’s the one that doesn’t like conflict? Hmm..what are you doing here, girlfriend?
Erika is a law student from Chicago which sounds distinguished until she pronounced Ben to be “guilty of being sexy” – at least they both laugh at how ridiculous it was.
Amber Bacon would like to be known as “The Baconator” and asks Ben if he’d like a little taste of bacon. Actually, she’s Canadian bacon. Clearly Ben prefers regular bacon.
Elyse ….again, nothing.
Emily is a doctor of transferable diseases which sounds like something you shouldn’t share within the first 5 seconds of meeting someone, but she has a clever little anti-bacterial cleansing charade and smooch lined up for Ben, which is memorable. What I’d like to forget is the heinous rap she busts out later. Night one: Not enough wine. Too much awkward. Ugh.
Samantha struts in wearing her Miss Pacific Palisades but doesn’t talk too highly of herself, noting she cannot solve world peace problems. Wait, that’s not what you’re here for?
Casey ….clearly not interesting enough to get air time…
Shira is an actress and I want her to stick around because I think she’ll provide lots of stuff to make fun of later.
Blakeley is a VIP cocktail waitress who has tattoos that would make “guard and protect your heart” Kasey jealous. Oh, also, she might be into girls? I’m confused. The producers are excited so just roll with it.
Sheryl is a gray-haired doll, retired in Colorado. She’s here to give her granddaughter, Brittney, a leg up on the competition, which is easy because grandma’s on crutches. (Get it? Leg up…crutches…okay, not funny). Ben loves grandmas. And who doesn’t love a good MeMa? Major family points.
Dianna is a non-profit director but I have a hard time taking her seriously because she is a giggler.
Jennifer is a fiery red-headed number cruncher.
Some chick shows up and doesn’t say anything, just gives a coy look and walks right by. Ben thinks that’s clever. I find out later that her name is Anna. You find out now that she gets sent home.
Monica misses her dog. She’s wearing a formal dress and a ponytail. Later she attacks Jenna emotionally then starts to have a crazy cuddle session with the VIP cocktail waitress. Weird.
Jaclyn had killer shoes. That’s all I know. That’s enough.
Holly from Kentucky wears a big floppy Derby hat. Boys don’t really like big floppy hats. Write that down.

Who had money on Grandma Sheryl being the first gal this season to shed a tear? Well, don’t get too discouraged…plenty more tears this season to look forward to.

Roses:
Lindzi and the horse she rode in on – first impression rose
Jamie, the baby maker
Rachel
Blakeley, the VIP cocktail waitress
Emily, the rapping doctor
Kacie B, Ben’s Minka Kelly
Casey S.
Brittney, grandma’s girl
Ericka, lawyer
Shawn
Nicki, dental hygenist divorcee
Jennifer, number cruncher
Elyse
Samantha
Courtney, the model
Jaclyn, with the killer shoes
Monica, the manic
Jenna, the crazy

Really glad both Ambers are gone so I wouldn’t have to clear up the mystery of why I thought there were three of them and also so I don’t have to watch anyone eat cow balls on tv again.

Coming up this season: Minka Kelly makes it a while, Jennifer the accountant has a hot make out session, Courtney and Ben skinny dipping, lots of tears, someone passing out at a rose ceremony, Courtney acting like one of Helena Bonham Carter’s crazy characters.

Who is your favorite so far? What are you looking forward to most this season?

Insider Tip: If you need more entertainment out of this episode, try mute and slow motion and just watch Ben’s facial expressions then make up your own words. Good stuff.