Category Archives: The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps

The Bachelor Recap episode 6, season 15

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

Well hello there.  Let’s get right to it and helicopter on in to Costa Rica. Ashley H, the artist dentist is ready to get down and dirty in Costa Rica. They arrive at Springs Resort & Spa in Costa Rica to see its gorgeous grounds and a sweeping panoramic view of a volcano in the distance.  In the foreground is Brad, also looking like he’s ready to explode with [insert any boring emotion you can think of].  The girls say he’s ready to let loose and I completely disagree…he is so rigid and forced.  In the voice of the great Chandler Bing: Could he be any less excited?

One-on-One Date: “Close your eyes, hold on tight, love is in the air tonight” -Chantal O.
“All I can do is be patient and hope Chantal gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes.” – Michelle, the crazy

Chantal is concerned that this date means Brad is second guessing her because she let out a bit of her jealous crazy side last week.  Someone should tell her Brad likes crazy and jealous [see every reference to Michelle in this blog].

Surprise! More helicopter transportation.  For their date, Brad and Chantal will be taking on the longest zip line in the world, six hundred feet off the ground.  Brad says they’ll be taking their relationship to new heights.  Oh, brother.  And just as they get ready to take the plunge, the rain arrives.

“The rain comes your way and you make the most of it. That’s what you do in a relationship.” -Chantal O. being profound, comparing the weather raining on her zip-line parade to her relationship with Brad.  Very ominously we see Chantal spot a monkey in a tree nearby and for a split second I think Michelle might get her wish, but alas, it just led to more kissing.  Sorry, Michelle.

Now for a picnic dinner by the river with fresh coconut. I’m uber jealous.  Especially because the coconut is all cut in half and perfect. No need for your husband to drill holes with a power drill and crack it open with a hammer.  Oh, that’s not how you do it? Hmm…I’ll have to talk to Mumbles about that.  Chantal says she’s feeling things tonight that she’s dreamed of feeling but has never felt…ever.  Next thing you know, it’s pouring down rain on her dinner parade.  This girl can’t catch a break.  Maybe it’s foreshadowing…every time she thinks it’s going well the rain comes…nah, this show’s not that deep. So, Chantal and Brad ditch the cute picnic dinner to find cover and head straight to the hotel room (don’t mind if I do, right?!) 

“It makes me happy to think that the rain has completely ruined their one-on-one date. There’s a chance it could be the worst date Brad’s been on [Michelle also said this about Shawntel N.’s date, which turned out to be a shopping spree in Vegas] but I just…it’s hard to know; I’m not there.” -Michelle, the crazy.

Back in the hotel room Brad gives Chantal a Risky Business-esque white shirt to get comfy in. Chantal says she likes this casual, on-the-fly date. Brad says he thinks it’s their best date yet, then brings up her crazy mind games last week and her only defense is to say that she was just in a bad place. 

“I feel so good with you. I want more of it. Every day.  Forever.” – Chantal says then embarrassed, with a childish laugh, followed by a passionate kiss.
“This could happen every night.” -Brad
“I want it to.” – Chantal
Which earns Chantal the rose.   

Brad is confident that Chantal isn’t overly dramatic now.  He says “it just works” with her.  Chantal confesses that she fell in love with Brad tonight.

Group Date: “Love springs eternal” – Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel N., and Britt

Now Britt is the only girl left that hasn’t had a one-on-one date.  And, in case you weren’t already aware, Michelle hates group dates.  Here’s another thing to add to the list of things she hates: rain and cold.  And that Chantal came home in Brad’s shirt after her date last night.  Man, what a good ploy!  [Heidi, when you become a contestant on The Bachelor, be sure to bring a stash of men’s dress shirts and pack one in your purse each date so you can come home wearing it and make all the girls crazy and jealous!  Write that down.]

True: there’s nothing sexy about a harness and a helmet.
They will all be repelling down the waterfall to prove to Brad that they’re adventurous. Most of the girls are freaked.  The girls are comforted by how encouraging he his, proving that he’ll be a good husband and father.  I think it proves that his expensive therapy sessions are giving him good one-liners to use.

Here are the highlights from the group date:

  • Jackie is deathly afraid of heights. She doesn’t like ferris wheels.
  • “Jackie may have soiled herself.” – Britt. haha.  I’m sad because I think she may be going home and that was funny.  This show needs all the funny it can get.
  • Michelle is pissed that Brad broke the vow he made to her on their one-on-one date. Brad acknowledges that he made a pact with Michelle, Michelle throws a few punches at Brad to give him a hard time, and then she jumps around giddily once he tells her that they will be repelling down together, thus not breaking his vow. Now Brad is worried about not spending time with the other girls and the fallout it will cause later in the evening. 
  • Soaking in the natural hot springs Michelle eloquently shares that “Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you like want to go home and [insert sexual expletive of your choice].”
  • Brad pulls Jackie away and takes her into a little nook of the hot springs pool and she calls him out on not going down the waterfall with her since she was the one that needed his consoling. 
  • Brad complains about how hard it is to keep all the women happy.  And he thinks he’s ready for marriage, huh?
  • As if we didn’t believe her before, Michelle says she is seriously starting to get bugged by the other girls.  She even calls out Alli and she’s not even on this date.
  • Emily warns Brad that she usually does things in relationships to sabotage them.  Then she jumps in the water and comes back up with black raccoon eyes.  Sabotage?  No.  But definitely not her best look. 
  • We get a close up view of Brad’s HUGE back tattoo and suddenly Emily’s makeup doesn’t matter so much.

Alli is very scared of bugs. Not just any bugs. But bugs in particular that make a crunch sound when you [hypothetically] step on them.  Chantal picks up a beetle in their hotel room with a piece of paper and taunts Alli with it until she screams bloody murder.  Cut to Brad with a very fake concerned look on his face as you hear the screaming in the background.  Now, this is funny television.

Michelle tells Brad that she didn’t think Chantal was coming home last night and she’s pissed about it. Brad seems a little pissed too and he seems to be [finally] getting sick of Michelle’s crap.  When she realizes her crazy gabbing isn’t working she just puts on the sexy eyes and goes in for the kiss.  Brad is frustrated but he still likes to kiss.

According to Brad the roses now mean more to him than ever.  Tonight, he’s not giving the rose to anyone.  Brad explains that he’s “…not just giving this rose to the woman who jumped first or the woman who overcame fears.”  

One-on-One Date: “Meet me at the altar” – Alli
Chantal tries to pull the whole “how do you feel about your date card not having the word ‘love'” bit again but Alli doesn’t bite quickly pointing out that she prefers the reference to marriage. Alli – 1  Chantal – 0

Brad slowly strolls up on horseback to pick up Alli.  He doesn’t look at all natural riding the horse but I’m happy it’s a refreshing change from the usual helicopter. What is up with the tiny little horse babies following them around?!?  How cute is that?!

They’ll be going into a 40 million year-old cave and Alli is terrified of all the poisonous jungle bugs awaiting her inside.  If it wasn’t already obvious that the girls are lined up on dates that align with the fears indicated on their application forms, it’s now fact.  [Heidi, write something silly as your biggest fear and practice making your phobia seem intense and sincere.  Something like karaoke. You’d be so good at pretending to have stage fright and then overcoming your fear!  You’d be like a pool shark but with a microphone instead of a pool cue!] 

“Look at that spider!”…ugh. I hate spiders. Bats, though, come on, bats are cute! Okay, they do make weird hissing/screech noises.  After their dark, long wet hike with all the bugs, they arrive at the altar, natural stairs in the rock where Brad has a little camp picnic laid out.  I wonder what poor production assistant had to climb through that cave first with all the picnic stuff to set that up.  Then later, they sit down for a nice romantic dinner that appears to be floating in the middle of a pool.  I’d be worried about scooting my chair back a little too far because this guy’s in intensive therapy so you never know when you might need to make a quick dash outta there. Girl’s gotta have an escape plan.  [Heidi, write that down.] 

Alli appears to be fighting her food with fork and knife then says, a little frustrated, “What is this, really?” To which Brad helpfully points out: “Chicken.”  Lady, you’re totally going home.  They’re making small talk and Brad is struggling.  Alli starts to list off countries to see if Brad’s never been there. This could go on a while.  Then more stimulating gems like this exchange:  
“Austin is a great city…”-Alli 
“It’s big” -Brad

Brad claims he can make conversation with just about anyone.  You stand corrected, sir.  

All the girls back at the room are placing bets that Alli isn’t coming home.  Brad tries to dig deeper into Alli’s relationship past and he asks about her last relationship, which she shares lasted for two years but as she imagined her wedding and walking down the aisle, she just couldn’t see her ex’s face.  She explains that it was really hard, she really tried to convince herself that there was something there because he was such a great guy…leaving a HUGE opening for Brad to pop in and say “I’m so glad you said that because that’s very much how I feel about you – I’m trying to picture this working and I just can’t see you holding a rose at the end of tonight…” which would have been awesome but he doesn’t say that. Here’s what actually happened: Brad leads into a vague monologue about finding his wife and knowing if not the first date, then very close to the first date, that there’s a very strong connection (which he hopes will lead to his letting her down gently, telling her that he doesn’t feel that strong instant connection like he’s already established with the other girls).  Instead, what really happens is she says “I absolutely agree!  And I want you to know that I feel just as comfortable around you as I think I’ve felt with anyone before…and I think I could hang out with you all day, every day.”  Brad starts into the “let’s be friends” speech and clarifies that he doesn’t think that constitutes falling in love and so he can’t give her the rose.  And that’s where it ends.  Friends it is.  And she thanks him for being honest, cries and gets embarrassed.    Back in the hotel room the girls are all shocked and awed that Alli’s bags are being taken away, which I don’t quite understand. 

Brad is now in his pensive alone time to process what he’s feeling [no doubt good advice for post rose rejection, a la the trusty therapist] when there’s a knock on the door.  “iHola!” and voila, there’s Michelle, the crazy.  Brad says it’s a nice surprise.  They exchange “I miss yous” then kiss for a bit.  Michelle really looks like she’s working out a strategy in those kisses.  She has her eyes on the rose and she asks how it went, full well knowing that Alli has been sent home.  Brad makes a little flub by saying “any others you want me to do?” haha. oops! busted!  Michelle tells Brad who it’s gonna be in the final four: herself, Chantal, Emily and Ashley.  Of course, she predicts herself to be the victor. 

Cocktail Party:

  • Brad shares that this has been really difficult for him.  Hmm…that therapist doesn’t travel?  No Skype?  Total fail.
  • Brad and Emily take some time away on the hammock.  Brad says he thinks about her a lot. He says he’s scared of her.  Emily regrets telling Brad that she sabotages things.  She tells Brad she cares about him a lot and that she feels vulnerable.  He tells her that he wants her to feel comfortable.  She says she needs his help, addressing his concerns before he could even bring them up. 
  • Chantal asks the group who gave Brad grief about not giving out the rose on the group date. 
  • Brad tells Michelle that he feels he’s taken 10 steps back with her and finally stands up to her confirming that he’s doing what’s best for him.  She tries to spin it back onto him that he asked for it.  Michelle gets a furrow in her brow and I can see the wheels churning in her manipulative mind …hmmm…crazy manipulation isn’t working so let’s try the tears and I’m genuine bit to see if that’ll work for a while…
  • Shawntel N. wants to confront Brad about who gave him grief about the rose but realizes that she’s here to fall in love, not play games with girls.  So instead, she decides to play games with the only boy here.  The Silent Game, which leads to making out.  Lots of making out.  And she should just be sassy and walk away but she screws it up by talking.  Shawntel reports back that someone confronted Brad after the group date and they all continue to discuss and Michelle confesses that she went to Brad’s and spent 30 minutes with him. 
  • Ashley the artist dentist says it best: “There are certain boundaries that I thought we had; it surprises me that we don’t.”
  • Chantal O. tells Brad that she wants to share something with him, especially tonight because she already has a rose and she wants him to know that she isn’t expecting anything in return.  Chantal tells Brad that she has fallen in love with Brad.  They kiss and he asks her if she could explain how she knows she’s in love and she gives a really great response, explaining that a change has occurred in her heart- she no longer thinks about how the experience is affecting her but is now concerned with how everything is affecting Brad.  Aw.

Rose Ceremony:
Chantal O., the first to fall in love
Ashley, the artist dentist
Emily, Southern Belle Barbie (also, did I share my revelation that she is totally Holly Madison’s doppleganger?!)
Britt, the wild card for the night…she gets absolutely no air time!
Shawntel N., the funeral director
Michelle, the crazy

Going home tonight is Jackie, the Wicked/Glee Singer.  Not too surprising.  Brad gives her a lovely goodbye speech and it’s all very classy.  I wish as these girls said goodbye they would say something super scandalous to the Bachelor to really screw with his mind and mix things up.  It’s never that fun.  [Heidi, let’s plan for a really awesome scandalous rumor for you to plant into the Bachelor’s mind just in case you get sent home because of all the awesome advice I’m giving you].

Next week: Anguilla
Hello, paradise! Blue water, boats, sunny skies, romantic walks on the beach, crying, kissing in the sand, hard questions (including a “can I meet your daughter?” and an “I don’t know” response), and, of course, roses.

P.S. To my friend Jessie – this one’s for you. I stayed up way past my bedtime. You’re welcome.

The Bachelor Recap episode 5, season 15

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

With 11 girls left we’re faced for the first time with the dreaded 2-on-1 date.  Normally every guy’s dream but in Bachelor world it means the exact opposite: somebody’s not coming home.  What else is not every guy’s dream? (well, maybe normal ones not in intensive therapy?)…bucketloads of tears.  But get ready for them anyway.

Now that trusty ol’ Chris has delivered the bad news about the 2-on-1 and warned that things are getting serious (he’s so behind – doesn’t he know things got serious in episode 4? Geez, someone get this guy a link to my blog!), here he is with the good: everyone pack your bags because they’re taking this show on the road to Vegas. (insert a collective “woo!” here)

Alli wants a one-on-one so she can sneak off to a wedding chapel to take the plunge. Michelle needs girls to go home because she needs more space for her luggage.  Headed for wedding bells or more baggage… I think that pretty clearly defines the two types of women that are still left.

I know they’re on a tight production schedule, but I’m just thinking to myself that putting Brad in a limo with all the girls (or half of them and switching at In-N-Out in Barstow or someplace) would have made for really interesting television.  But whatever. They fly to Vegas and hop in a limo to meet Brad at the Aria hotel in Vegas and then get shown to their super sweet suite.

One-on-one date: “Let’s end tonight with a bang” for Shawntel N.
(Kudos to whomever mumbled “well that’s a bit forward…” haha. Probably wins funniest moment of the night, which goes to show you how lame this episode was.)

She’s a Vegas Virgin in Sin City and Brad is taking her on a shopping spree. It’s every girl’s Pretty Woman fantasy – trading clothes, shoes and purses for hotel rooms and sex.  Oh, wait. This is sounding a bit familiar…hmmm. After maxing out the credit cards in all the designer stores Shawntel strolls back into the suite hunkered down with shopping bags at the exact moment one of the girls proclaims that “it could have been the worst date Brad’s been on.” Awkward.  Shawntel gloats about her shopping spree and shows off her new bag (which she later confesses was $5000). Woof. It was so hideous. It was a small little rectangle bag with sequin stripes and feathery bits.

Lisa says she waiting for diamonds to come out and the artist dentist replies “hopefully it’s not one big one” so Michelle turns her scarf into a noose because she’s so appalled by the idea. Everyone laughs; they only like Michelle when she’s pretending to kill herself.  I hope they hired that therapist to be on call for everyone. 

Shawntel comes down the stairs in her new dress, shoes and handbag looking like her date is picking her up for the prom. I’m disappointed when Brad arrives with no corsage. And then I feel bad because Britt’s in a robe hiding behind her glass of wine and the other girls are not looking so hot either. Aren’t they at least allowed to go out in Vegas if they’re not on the date?  I would.

During their rooftop dinner date Shawntel is nervous because she hasn’t yet shared that’s she’s a funeral director and embalmer. This is gonna get interesting. Brad makes the mistake of asking about it then quickly loses his appetite. He’s laughing so hard and now they’re talking about Peaches the cross-eyed cat. Weird, but maybe in a quirky kinda hot way?  Like Scully from the X-Files? To each his own.  

Brad says he really likes her and feels like a lucky man when he looks at her. And imagines her surrounded by dead bodies. Out of nowhere a pop happens and it’s the champagne bottle. It would have been awesome if he was like “well, there’s your big bang!” but alas, our Bachelor has no such wit. (Also, it could’ve saved a hundred grand, which sounds like a practical thing to do after that shopping spree) Soon after the real fireworks show starts and it’s all “oohs” and “ahhs,” except for the lonely girls back in the suite who are practically stop, drop and rolling because they can hardly get a glimpse of the fireworks but do get to feel the room shake because of them. Ah, how sad.

Group date: “Let’s go speed dating” – Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Britt, Michelle
They pull up to the Las Vegas Motor Speedway where the girls will be driving NASCAR cars around the track. Wow. Producers are jerks. Seriously, not classy and we know this is going to put Emily in a very awkward situation.

Crazy Michelle from The Bachelor Season 15

screen capture proof of Michelle's crazy eyes

“I think this will be an amazing experience because I’ve never done anything like this. Plus, I’m fun and hot. And you should see me in a race car.” (insert crazy eyes – see photo)

Brad notices that Emily is not quite herself so Brad pulls her aside to talk. Emily explains that her fiancé was a NASCAR driver and a crash at Las Vegas Speedway ended his driving career and then he moved into a car owner role before the plane crash.  Brad feels like a jerk. He tells Emily he really cares about her.
Emily is feeling down on herself because she doesn’t want to make a dramatic scene. 

“I swear, I usually am pretty fun I feel like.” -Emily

At the pool party all the girls are antsy and then upset when Brad pulls Emily aside again. Chantal defends Brad’s his honor telling the girls that she is more attracted to him because he cares enough to take Emily aside to make sure she’s okay. Alli is not having it.  She’s so upset.  I think it’s because she knows she’s going home. 

“Just because somebody comes in with the worst story means they get the most attention?” -Alli, bitter because she’s going home

Brad confesses to Emily that he’s not sure what he’s thinking because all he can think about is that Emily has already met the love of her life and she’s been single for 6 years. And she chimes in with “well you’ve been in love once” to which he replies “more than once” and the she smirks and totally delivers: “well, you’re a little older than me, my dear.” Haha. Nailed it! (p.s. she’s only 24) Brad says it’s a hard space to fill and Emily’s heart sinks knowing another one of her suitors is running for the hills.

Alli sits poolside with Brad and she immediately starts crying, in my book sealing the deal on her ticket home.

Chantal gets caught saying that she loves Brad even more because he does pull Emily aside to show he cares and make sure she is okay. He calls her out on it and she gets embarrassed and then starts crying because she really likes him and knows he has strong feelings for other girls.  Whoa, rollercoaster of emotions. Brad, ever the eloquent consoler says “don’t cry, baby.”  Is it just me or does it sound totally fake when he calls the girls by pet names like baby and honey?

Michelle pulls Brad out of an awkward situation facing all the girls upset about Emily’s attention to take him into a cabana to make out. He loves it. He loves crazy ladies that like to make out. Producers do too.

The group date rose goes to Emily and the girls groan when he pulls her away. Again.

The Dreaded Two-on-One date: “Come swing with the king…two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes” – Ashley the nanny & Ashley the artist dentist
The best friends in the house. Whoa, this is gonna get awkward. Michelle is nothing but excited. For their date they are not only competing for a rose, to be the last Ashley standing, but also for a role in the Cirque du Soleil show Viva Elvis. Aptly, to the song “Are You Lonesome Tonight?”

The nanny says she just wants to be the one for somebody. Pathetic. I don’t think she actually likes Brad. The artist dentist is sad because she thinks Brad is doubting his feelings for her. This show is not easy on the self esteem.  Seriously, where’s that therapist when you need him?

At an awkward third wheel dinner Brad tells each girl what he really likes about her. I think he chose the two Ashley’s for this date for no other reason than he didn’t want to have to worry about screwing up the name. Brad gives the rose to Ashley! Haha. (See what I did there? Arent you glad we make your life easy with nicknames? You’re welcome.) The artist dentist quickly accepts the rose in case Brad made a mistake. Say goodbye to the first impression rose winner, Ashley, the nanny. See, first impressions aren’t everything.

“It feels like someone punched me in the stomach. And the heart.” – the nanny

Once Brad gets back, he starts making out with the only Ashley left. Brad looks like such a goon in his stage costume with a shirt 10 times too small cutting off circulation in his bicep. (I can’t quite put my finger on which animated toy soldier he looks like – anyone have the answer? leave a comment)  “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” plays as the nanny’s tears and snot stream down her face in the limo taking her away and as Ashley and Brad don’t do much but twirl in the air during their performance.   

This week’s call to the therapist includes a stick to the mission pep talk, “more make yourself” vulnerable advice, and Brad boasting that he’s been kissing lotsa ladies. Brad learns strength and vulnerability can coexist and he is excited about the advice because if you’ll remember last episode he took his therapist’s advice and it got him lots of tongue action. Lesson learned: listen to therapist.

Cocktail party:

  • Brad talks to Chantal O. and he wants to get to the bottom of whether she’s emotional or dramatic.
  • Alli gets dessert and champagne because she complained that it’s hard to feel special with all the other women around. It means he likes the other girls more than you. I still think you’re going home.
  • Marissa gives Brad an envelope full of little notes, acknowledging that she doesn’t get to spend a lot of time with him and he thanks her for doing something so sweet. I think she’s going home too.
  • Michelle locks herself in a room with Brad, sits him down in a chair, sits on top of him, and tells him not to talk. Dominatrix style she kisses him in between giving him orders to send girls home.

Rose ceremony:
Shawntel, the funeral director/embalmer
Emily, Southern Belle Barbie
Ashley, the artist dentist
Michelle, the crazy
Alli (ugh, so disappointed – just prolonging the inevitable)
Britt
Jackie, the Wicked/Glee singer
Chantal O.

Going home:
Lisa M. – she is super cute and tries to play it cool but has to dash out of the place and then ends up crying enough tears to fill the hotel pool.
Marissa the sports publicist – Brad begs her to “try to understand” and she’s trying to understand why she left her awesome job and what she’s gonna do now.

Next week: Costa Rica
Beverage of the evening: Newcastle Brown Ale

I’ll be filling out an online casting nomination form for my friend Heidi to be a contestant woman looking for real love on the next Bachelor because she’s hilarious and beautiful and it would really give me the inside edge to have her on the show. haha. jk. (kind of) Actually, I am just a really giving person and I want to share her beauty and talent (I hear she’s in talks to reboot the Sound of Music) and hilariousness with the world.  If you, too, would like to nominate a friend, ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, current boyfriend/girlfriend, or family member, here’s the online nomination form.  If you have a fun story about who you’re nominating, please share!

The Bachelor Recap episode 4, season 15

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

Tonight on The Bachelor we get answers to all of the important questions in dating life drama:
Q: Who wakes up with a black eye and no idea how it happened?
A: Michelle, that’s who.
Q: What does the H. in Ashley H. Stand for?
A: Haywire.
Q: Who is going to possibly kill Brad, is afraid of heights and wants to throw up?
A: Michelle, of course.
Q: Who kicked Michelle’s ass in her sleep?
A: My hero.

Michelle says Brad will kiss her eye and that will make it better. I don’t believe her…I’m still waiting for those fireworks she promised would appear when she shoved her tongue down Brad’s throat.

“If you don’t get a rose on a one-on-one date you’re going home and life is over. Week four. This is serious.” – Chris Harrison.  Okay, I may have paraphrased there a bit.

One-on-one date: “How deep is your love?”
Chantal O.

I have my fingers crossed hoping to hear Sisqo’s catchy tune in the background…”how deep is your love for me…tell me what it’s gonna be…” as Brad gallantly walks in the door to his brood of waiting women but instead Michelle just blurts out: “I have a black eye!” Kudos to you – you win the crazy award.  Again.

As we dive into their date we learn Chantal married her high school sweetheart and now she’s divorced and realizing she doesn’t have much experience dating. It’s my professional blogging opinion that Chantal has the biggest advantage because she doesn’t know what real dating is supposed to be like and therefore actually has a shot here.

Their helicopter chariot whisks them away to Catalina and Brad explains that he is taking Chantal to do something that will make her feel like she’s completely out of the real world.  Because helicopter rides on first dates are all too real.  And so is competing alongside 25 women for one guy.  On television.  They are going to walk on the sea floor. Chantal confesses she is afraid of deep water and though feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and stress, she’ll face her fears to show Brad how deeply she cares for him. Come on, someone make a ‘take the plunge” or “dive in feet first” joke. No humor.  Week four – very serious.  

This date is awful.  It’s the ugliest sea floor ever. There is one orange fish about the size of a large goldfish.

Brad asks if Chantal wants to get married again and Chantal says absolutely. Brad asks more about her marriage and she shares that it lasted four and a half years but she was with him for 10 years and now knows a lot more about herself.  Brad says he wants that too, he’s so much more open to that, and he wants to share his life with someone.  I’m sick of him saying this same line to every girl in the house, to Chris Harrison, to his therapist, to the camera guy… but the ladies love it.  She’s totally falling for him. (if you are playing the drinking game I told you not to play, I fully understand that you’re drunk at this point, even by just reading this recap.)  They repeat that they like each other a lot. Then a quick kiss and a kiss on the hand.

Back to the rainy mansion where crazy Michelle confesses she thinks she may have beat herself up in her sleep.  I believe her. And I think everyone else in the house does too.

Cuddling up on their lounge chair for two, Chantal apologizes for slapping Brad upon first meeting him (translate: sorry I did what the producers told me to do to get them good ratings).  Brad says she brings out the playful side of him and she calls him out on stuff, that being with her feels like real life so he offers her the rose.  Then he utters “you better accept the damn rose” and they giggle and he throws his head back to show how playful he is. I don’t believe you.  Then he begs her to “please quit talking and just kiss me, please?”  This is getting pretty boring so I feel like it could be going somewhere.  And it does goes somewhere…Inside the cabana on the beach for more cuddling and kissing to get out of the rain. Chantal thanks God for the rain. 

Michelle is adamant that she and Brad have what none of the other girls do (an on-call therapist?) and later warns “there is a really good chance that if I don’t get a date this week Brad might get his own black eye.”  I believe her.

Group date: “let’s put our love on the line”
Ashley S, Stacey, Lindsey, Meghan, Alli, Lisa, Jackie, Ashley H. and Britt

I am so excited because they are at the Loveline radio studio. This is gonna get interesting and hopefully really funny. I listen to Kevin & Bean every morning so these guys are regular characters for me. The girls wait in a sound-proof room and they are nervous about what Dr. Drew may ask. They should be nervous knowing all the therapy Brad’s had – he’s a pro at this game.

Brad’s first topic is about cheating. Stacey admits that she cheated on her college boyfriend. This was pegged in previews to be the second biggest drama-filled moment of the evening but all Brad does is commend her honesty. The girls ask about Brad’s type and he says he doesn’t have a type but he just wants to find a real connection where he can be himself. Brad says the girls open up and share a lot, which clearly the producers did not find interesting because none of it was aired.  I’m so utterly disgusted at boring this was.

Now, for a pool party – surprise!  The girls take turns interrupting each other for alone time with Brad. Alli steals Brad from Stacey, who is then pissed because Ashley S. pulls him away one minute in to her alone time and then karma comes around and dishes it up in the form of Jackie the Wicked/Glee singer. Brad loves it. I’m mildly amused.

Britt looks like a really cute girl next door and concedes nervously that she has a crush on Brad and he buys into it by demanding that she come over to him despite the fact that they’re already sitting right next to each other. During some pretty hot and heavy liplock action Ashley H. the artist dentist is creeping up behind them. After Britt and Brad wipe all the saliva they’ve just exchanged off their lips Ashley H. gets some alone time and she becomes the bitter pill Brad doesn’t want because she is getting jealous and voices it. She says she feels like she needs to pull away and get defensive and to console her Brad tells her their first date was perfect, calls her “babe” with false affection, tells her to “hang in there,” and then only offers his shoulder. I get hopeful as it seems he’s going to give up on her or perhaps offer her his therapist’s business card.  Mumbles yells from the other room (seriously, this time, not on the couch next to me) that he should give up on her – 20 girls are ready and willing, happy to do this, enduring what is sure to be lifelong couples therapy, and plus, she’s not that cute. Brad says he knows what he needs to do which either means a) she’s going home or b) she’s getting a rose. He says there’s no way in hell that he’s letting her second guess their connection and it seems as if he’s gearing up to give her the rose BUT she throws another pity party tantrum in the hot tub to get attention and he changes his mind, pulling Britt away to tell her they have good kisses. Ha. Awkward, but I get it. Might as well keep the good kissers and the crazies around – both provide entertainment.

The artist dentist realizes she might be costing Brad a few grand in therapy and therefore may have ruined her chances. I concur.

One on one date: “let’s hang out together”
Michelle

Chantal pulls out the psychology card (no wonder Brad likes her!) playing mind games with Michelle by pointing out that Michelle’s date card doesn’t say anything about love and every other one-on-one date card has. And boom: out comes the crazy!  It’s like magic!

Michelle pronounces this day to be her day. Black eye concealed under a frosting layer of makeup, Michelle is pissed that the artist dentist is getting the pity limelight from the girls and Brad on the morning of her special day. Gasp! Brad tells Ashley he cares and he wants her to stop being lame and pouty. Okay, not quite so succinctly, but that was the gist of it.  While Michelle has a poutfest of her own Chantal points out that Michelle walked away from the group during the action movie filming to have a tantrum and Brad had to take time away from the group to go after her. Nope, not the same she says. Completely different. Totally. You’re wrong. She beats people up in her sleep. Believe her.

Brad drives Michelle up to his Bachelor pad and he feigns surprise at the sight of the helicopter. Someone should tell Michelle how many other girls got helicopter rides before she did. I nominate Chantal.  They land on top of a building and Brad looks over the edge to point out the pool below where they’re going to have dinner, which Michelle will need after she swears she’s going to throw up. She’s practically crying when she learns they’ll be repelling down the building to get to the pool. So, of it wasn’t obvious before: the producers have clearly lined up these dates matching the womens’ deepest fears. After the fake drama and tears they kiss while still up in the air. Blah.

Brad is overwhelmed by their bonding experience. I am grossly reminded of Jake & Vienna’s bungee jumping fall into love.  Then Brad dives into the pool, fully clothed. He’s so proud of his spontaneity and boyish charm. Then she seals the deal by making him swear to never repel off a building with another woman. He agrees. She’s satisfied and kissing ensues, then cut to her post date interview where she shows how pleased she is with herself by fiercely punching the air. What a whacko.  That’s how you got that black eye, darlin’…watch out. 

During dinner Brad says he wants to meet her daughter, Brielle. Michelle asks Brad if he’s really ready to get married and then tells Brad that she can’t see him with anyone but her. Brad points out their obviously very intense connection then goes to get her a rose. He calls this rose “an easy one.” I chuckle. Brad says he can easily see his day to day life with Michelle. I can too. It goes something like this: taking care of Brielle, getting Michelle’s prescriptions filled, dropping Brielle off at school, attending intensive therapy, picking up Brielle from school, dropping her off at therapy, tightening the straight jacket at home, then off to the bar for work. Wake up. Repeat. More kids = more therapy. You’re gonna need another bar, bud.

Welcome back the therapist. The deepest Brad can go is telling his therapist the pressure he is feeling from having to kiss all the girls. The therapist says to explore it fully, go for it, express the romance, do it, go with it, spread the herpes love. That’ll be $500.

Cocktail party:
Shawntel – Brad calls their connection “understated.” but she jumps into his arms and they kiss, recreating their only connection during the steamy, staged action movie sequence.

Meghan – Brad tells she has walls up. She knows. He tries on his therapist hat and tells her to “own this as her own experience.”

Emily – Brad tells her he has something for her then pulls her aside to give her a basket. We hear one of the girls ask from the other room “do you think he has the ring in that basket?” Haha. Good guess! But sadly, no.  Brad has been looking forward to seeing her all week; he doesn’t want her to feel forgotten so he wants to do everything in his power to make sure she knows he cares about her. They have a sweet talk, he asks about her daughter and she says she left little presents and notes for her lunch everyday. Darling. It’s easy to understand why all the other girls in the house are jealous. Mother Teresa strikes again.

Chantal – feels like a fool after seeing Brad making huge gestures to show Emily how much he cares. Brad says he loves that she’s not needy and that she is independent. She agreed that she needs to trust that he’s man enough to do what’s best for him in the end. “Damn straight I’m man enough to do that,” he says with a straight face until she laughs at him. And that’s what he loves about her. And kissing makes everything a-okay.

Rose Ceremony:
Britt
Chantal
Michelle, black-eyed crazy
Ashley S., the nanny
Alli
Emily, Southern Belle Barbie with the soul of Mother Teresa
Shawntel, the funeral director…how do we not know more about this yet?
Lisa – she’s cute but I don’t know a gosh darn thing about her
Jackie, the Wicked/Glee singer
Marissa, the sports publicist – also no story here
Ashley H., the artist dentist

The three lucky loser ladies going home:
Meghan – her ego is blown as she hobbles out of the mansion through the courtyard.
Stacey – laments that “it’s just not in the cards…”
Lindsey – disappointed with a smile, fighting back tears. Then heaving a bit as she sucks in the snot. Still classy though.

Tonight’s beverage of choice:  Pete’s Wicked  Ale Strawberry Blonde

Next week: Vegas. Fireworks (must be as a result of kissing Michelle!), shopping bags, NASCAR racing, lots of tears, jealousy, surprise.

Thoughts on the episode? Leave a comment!

The BFOTB & The Bachelor. How it all came to be.

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps, Thoughts & Stories by

Before we get to this week’s recap I just have to share that this all started because BFOTB Ashley and I would love to get together each week to catch up, drink wine, have dinner, and revel in the awkwardness that is each episode of The Bachelor.  We started giving participants fun nicknames then writing down memorable quotes to share on Facebook, and soon therafter we escalated into full blown summaries and high/lowlights of each episode.  Well, it seems others are beginning to see just how fun watching The Bachelor can be!  Take this drinking game from Reality Fishbowl, for example. Absolutely hilarious.  My personal fave requires two shots anytime Chris says something that’s completely obvious.  As in, “Brad, girls, this is the last rose…”  Don’t play, though.  You don’t stand a chance. 

BFOTB has been across the pond in London these past two weeks making my solo Bachelor watching and recapping a little less fun. I look forward to welcoming back her witticism next week!

If this is your first time on this blog and you want to catch up on the first three episodes this season you can read them here, here and here.  We love hearing your thoughts on the show so feel free to leave comments!

Cheers!

The Bachelor Recap episode 3, season 15

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

Explosions, drama, damsels in distress, territory marking, manipulation, tears, and goodbyes…and that’s just the “Tonight on The Bachelor” intro clip! Here’s the skinny on the whole show:

17 “normals and crazies” still left says Chantal O. And that just about sums it up.

First solo date: “Let’s find our love song”
Ashley S., the nanny first impression rose winner

Brad says his nerves went away the first time he met her and that’s why he chose her for this special date. Ashley S. vows that she’ll get Brad to kiss her on the date, which is at Capitol records for what Brad calls a torturous event: recording the song “Kiss From a Rose” by Seal (random). Little does Brad know that she is deathly afraid of singing and has a huge singing complex. Big oops. But, low and behold, “Kiss From a Rose” is one of her favorite songs (where did you find her?!).

They.are.awful. AWFUL. I’m still sick and have not had any wine. My insides are writhing in embarrassment. I hate this date. Brad says he is very comfortable with

Ashley and he is naturally more affectionate with her because of it. Then, surprise! Seal is here singing his famous song that has huge sentimental value to Ashley. I hope that the producers intentionally arranged this because she mentioned the song and her father in her pre-show interview because otherwise this is totally random.

Now they are up on the rooftop of Capitol Records with a stunning city lights view for a romantic dinner. Ashley shares the story about her father passing and how they used to sing “Kiss From a Rose” together at the top of their lungs. Brad moves to consoling her and she brings a positive note to her otherwise very very sad story (especially for a first date). She was really cute explaining how special Brad made her feel despite their incredibly awful singing. She really took Chris Harrison’s warning to heart and Brad noticed, thanking her for being so open and honest. Then, Brad asks her to accept the rose and she misses the perfect opportunity to ask for a kiss from a rose…corny, yes, but, hey, she said she wanted a kiss. Don’t fret, though, they have a little make out session at the end of their date. I’d like to also note that she made sure the camera crew caught it on tape…when they came up for air she totally looked around for the camera!

Group date: “Love hurts”
Lindsey, Shawntel, Alli, Britt, Kimberly, Sarah, Chantal, Ashley H., Lisa, Stacy, Marissa, and Michelle

Michelle has totally been pegged by producers as the crazy sexy chick that will provide the best over-the-top stalker comments, which is evidenced by the small snippets they throw in about every 6 minutes. Example of said funny moments: “our card says love hurts but what really hurts is being on a group date with these women.” what a gem.

Brad is already sweaty when the girls show up and as he is welcoming them he is attacked by ninjas and street hoodlums and manages to fight them all off, impressing all his lovely lady friends. On this group date they’ll be filming their own action movie scenes. Alli probably says it best when she confesses that she would prefer not to sweat in front of brad. True: “pit stains are not hot.”

During the filming Lisa is the brunt of Michelle’s jokes because her grunts sound like birds chirping. Ha! Shawntel N. is really standing out to Brad today because she is really taking the butt kicking seriously. They make out a lot. A lot. And I really wish she wouldn’t have worn those leopard leggings during the closing scene. Not cute.

To celebrate their cinematic debuts, Brad takes them to a pool for a “Woo!!” party, where everything is “yay!” and “woohoo!” But not everything is splashing chicken fights and bikinis…Chantal O. takes Brad aside and starts crying going through the ‘I’m sharing my boyfriend with other women’ phase and she opens up about her relationship with her estranged father who passed away. And (this may sound familiar) Brad comes in to console her and Chantal says that she feels a really strong connection with him, he’s making her feel special. And he says he likes her all puffy and crying because that’s real life. She tells Brad she likes him. He likes her too. She replies “too much.” Then they kiss. It’s pretty steamy.

Alli is inside talking to Brad and crazy Michelle appears in the background slinking in and then acts surprised to be interrupting. Brad stutters through asking Alli to leave so that he and Michele can talk a bit. She confronts Brad about not getting alone time then starts the waterworks by saying she feels selfish for being there and leaving her daughter. Here’s a hint about this show: tears = kisses. Michelle is feeling so accomplished after getting her kiss. Mission: accomplished. After that steamy, manipulative kiss Brad retrieves the rose to go to the rooftop to… tell Shawntel that he is wildly attracted to her and he wants her to be around to get to know her better. Didn’t see that coming!

Then the premiere of Love Hurts, which we don’t really get to see. And its been more than six minutes so Michelle gives another speech about Brad being hers and that in the end it will be just the two of them in Tahiti practicing making babies.

One-on-one date: “Love is intoxicating”
Emily

Emily is terrified that when she tells Brad about her daughter and her daughter’s father he’ll run for the hills. She shares her story with the girls in the house and they are all a big ball of tears. After hearing her story, all the girls forget it’s a competition and are very encouraging about her opening up to Brad and telling him everything.

Best quote of the night comes from Meghan the man, who I’d like to not call the man anymore because I’ve deemed her funny; she explains Emily, Southern Belle Barbie as such: “Like an itsy, bitsy barbie doll with the soul of Mother Theresa so you want to hate her but you can’t hate Mother Theresa, you have to love her… so no one hates Emily. Awesome.”

Brad surprises Emily with a flight to Santa Maria. He is so excited. She is terrified but tries to cover it up because Brad is giddy and proud that the producers set upbsuch an awesome date for them. While lounging in the vineyard Brad asks Emily about herself and she replies that she’s just like everyone else, you know, she gets grumpy when she’s tired…haha. She is hilarious at deflecting his hard questions.

Back at the mansion Madison is reflecting on Emily sharing her story and she sheds a few tears realizing that she wants to find a partner. In life and maybe she shouldn’t be here in this competition vying for Brad’s love when so many women are clearly very invested. Hmmm…very profound and insightful.

Back to Emily and Brad who are having a lovely romantic dinner arranged in a barn.  Brad pretends like he is actually thinking of not giving her a rose because he’s worried about her not opening up. She is too beautiful to not get a rose. I don’t believe you, sir.

Emily senses the awkwardness so she tells Brad about her fiancé Ricky Hendrick, son of NASCAR race car owner Rick Hendrick, and the tragic plane accident. Emily keeps reaching for the wine. I like her. Brad makes the right move by immediately asking about her daughter and Emly immediately begins to open up. Brad seems nervous so he kisses her hand, then her cheek and then Emily leans in to let him know he can go in for the kiss so he does. It’s very special and romantic and I hear my husband, Mumbles, grown from the other room (okay, the couch. Right next to me.) “ugh, I can’t believe she kissed him!  She is way too good for him. AND he just kissed 10 other girls. Eww.”  I’m not even angry at his outright jealousy as I admit, I, too, am quite mesmerized by her – she’s so “gosh dang” pretty and her smile is so white! Swoon.

Every girl tonight has said that Brad makes her feel very special. He is getting really good at this game! Uh, I mean true-quest-for-love-that-just-happens-to-be-televised.

Next we’re introduced to the therapist Brad is working with while he’s in LA. I must admit that hearing him talk to his therapist sounds exactly the same as the conversation he’s supposed to have with Chris Harrison before the rose ceremony reflecting on the past week. This guy is a professional, though, so it’s more credible and a bit more bearable.

The cocktail party:

“I wrapped myself up like a present so I could open myself up to you,” says Alli. [insert inappropriate comment from Mumbles.] She shares that her dad was unfaithful and had a child with someone else. Wow, casting did a great job of finding women with Dad issues just as screwed up as Brad’s but I’m getting a little sick of it and can only imagine that Brad is too.  I mean, really, do they think that a guy with really screwed up history with his Dad also wants a woman with really screwed up Dad issues?  I guess it’s something to bond over, but wow.  Brad and Alli talk about trust and Brad shares that he’s never cheated on anyone. Very important.

Brad pulls Chantal O aside and they giggle over how physically attracted they are to each other and Brad apologizes to her for not giving back enough of what she deserved after opening up about her father and family. They are having a really great, intimate moment when Michelle comes over and rudely asks “am I interrupting?” – yes, yes you are. But you knew that. (why doesn’t anyone ever just say that?! And why is the Bachelor never kind enough to rescue the poor girl getting interrupted?) Michelle announces that she and Brad are in a fight. Hello, crazy. She confronts Brad about kissing other girls and he plays right into her little game by saying she’s a smart alec and playful and she can steal him away any night of the week. Crazies always win (at least in the first 5 episodes).

Madison has a good talk with Brad and opens up about how she’s been feeling after hearing Emily’s story and seeing him connect with other women and how it has influenced her expectations for falling in love. It was a very real conversation and Brad lets on to understanding that she may want to go home so he tells her he respects her for those feelings. I do too. Turns out the girl with the fangs is one of the normal ones!

Brad has a one-on-one talk with Ashley H., the artist dentist, and he senses that she isn’t feeling comfortable which is his therapist inspired mantra for the night and therefore bothering him that he won’t be getting a gold star. It’s really unsettling to him knowing that Madison might he going home and he’s concerned about losing her so he comes back to Ashley on the couch, pulls her up and lays a big kiss on her for reassurance. Can’t be losing too many women in one night, it’ll throw off the crazy v. normal balance in the house.

Roses:

  • Ashley S., the nanny
  • Shawntel N, the funeral director
  • Emily, Southern Belle Barbie
  • Michelle, the crazy
  • Chantal O.
  • Lisa
  • Jackie, the Glee/Wicked singer
  • Ashley H, the artist dentist
  • Marissa, the sports publicist
  • Britt
  • Alli
  • Lindsey
  • Meghan
  • Stacy

Madison walked out of the middle of the rose ceremony and Brad gallantly followed her to understand why she wanted to leave. Commendably, she recognizes that she has put up a facade to guard herself and now other women are being real and making real connections and she explains that she would feel guilty taking a rose away from someone who is here and has been putting their heart on the line from the beginning. Kudos to you, lady.

Sarah and Kimberly also went home tonight, neither of whom seemed too devastated…until they get outside and Kimberly says “f&$! Brad” and Sarah sniffles while advising the women of the world that rejection sucks. Word.

Who do you think has had the best kiss so far? Leave your thoughts below!