With 11 girls left we’re faced for the first time with the dreaded 2-on-1 date.  Normally every guy’s dream but in Bachelor world it means the exact opposite: somebody’s not coming home.  What else is not every guy’s dream? (well, maybe normal ones not in intensive therapy?)…bucketloads of tears.  But get ready for them anyway.

Now that trusty ol’ Chris has delivered the bad news about the 2-on-1 and warned that things are getting serious (he’s so behind – doesn’t he know things got serious in episode 4? Geez, someone get this guy a link to my blog!), here he is with the good: everyone pack your bags because they’re taking this show on the road to Vegas. (insert a collective “woo!” here)

Alli wants a one-on-one so she can sneak off to a wedding chapel to take the plunge. Michelle needs girls to go home because she needs more space for her luggage.  Headed for wedding bells or more baggage… I think that pretty clearly defines the two types of women that are still left.

I know they’re on a tight production schedule, but I’m just thinking to myself that putting Brad in a limo with all the girls (or half of them and switching at In-N-Out in Barstow or someplace) would have made for really interesting television.  But whatever. They fly to Vegas and hop in a limo to meet Brad at the Aria hotel in Vegas and then get shown to their super sweet suite.

One-on-one date: “Let’s end tonight with a bang” for Shawntel N.
(Kudos to whomever mumbled “well that’s a bit forward…” haha. Probably wins funniest moment of the night, which goes to show you how lame this episode was.)

She’s a Vegas Virgin in Sin City and Brad is taking her on a shopping spree. It’s every girl’s Pretty Woman fantasy – trading clothes, shoes and purses for hotel rooms and sex.  Oh, wait. This is sounding a bit familiar…hmmm. After maxing out the credit cards in all the designer stores Shawntel strolls back into the suite hunkered down with shopping bags at the exact moment one of the girls proclaims that “it could have been the worst date Brad’s been on.” Awkward.  Shawntel gloats about her shopping spree and shows off her new bag (which she later confesses was $5000). Woof. It was so hideous. It was a small little rectangle bag with sequin stripes and feathery bits.

Lisa says she waiting for diamonds to come out and the artist dentist replies “hopefully it’s not one big one” so Michelle turns her scarf into a noose because she’s so appalled by the idea. Everyone laughs; they only like Michelle when she’s pretending to kill herself.  I hope they hired that therapist to be on call for everyone. 

Shawntel comes down the stairs in her new dress, shoes and handbag looking like her date is picking her up for the prom. I’m disappointed when Brad arrives with no corsage. And then I feel bad because Britt’s in a robe hiding behind her glass of wine and the other girls are not looking so hot either. Aren’t they at least allowed to go out in Vegas if they’re not on the date?  I would.

During their rooftop dinner date Shawntel is nervous because she hasn’t yet shared that’s she’s a funeral director and embalmer. This is gonna get interesting. Brad makes the mistake of asking about it then quickly loses his appetite. He’s laughing so hard and now they’re talking about Peaches the cross-eyed cat. Weird, but maybe in a quirky kinda hot way?  Like Scully from the X-Files? To each his own.  

Brad says he really likes her and feels like a lucky man when he looks at her. And imagines her surrounded by dead bodies. Out of nowhere a pop happens and it’s the champagne bottle. It would have been awesome if he was like “well, there’s your big bang!” but alas, our Bachelor has no such wit. (Also, it could’ve saved a hundred grand, which sounds like a practical thing to do after that shopping spree) Soon after the real fireworks show starts and it’s all “oohs” and “ahhs,” except for the lonely girls back in the suite who are practically stop, drop and rolling because they can hardly get a glimpse of the fireworks but do get to feel the room shake because of them. Ah, how sad.

Group date: “Let’s go speed dating” – Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Britt, Michelle
They pull up to the Las Vegas Motor Speedway where the girls will be driving NASCAR cars around the track. Wow. Producers are jerks. Seriously, not classy and we know this is going to put Emily in a very awkward situation.

“I think this will be an amazing experience because I’ve never done anything like this. Plus, I’m fun and hot. And you should see me in a race car.” (insert crazy eyes – see photo)

Brad notices that Emily is not quite herself so Brad pulls her aside to talk. Emily explains that her fiancé was a NASCAR driver and a crash at Las Vegas Speedway ended his driving career and then he moved into a car owner role before the plane crash.  Brad feels like a jerk. He tells Emily he really cares about her.
Emily is feeling down on herself because she doesn’t want to make a dramatic scene. 

“I swear, I usually am pretty fun I feel like.” -Emily

At the pool party all the girls are antsy and then upset when Brad pulls Emily aside again. Chantal defends Brad’s his honor telling the girls that she is more attracted to him because he cares enough to take Emily aside to make sure she’s okay. Alli is not having it.  She’s so upset.  I think it’s because she knows she’s going home. 

“Just because somebody comes in with the worst story means they get the most attention?” -Alli, bitter because she’s going home

Brad confesses to Emily that he’s not sure what he’s thinking because all he can think about is that Emily has already met the love of her life and she’s been single for 6 years. And she chimes in with “well you’ve been in love once” to which he replies “more than once” and the she smirks and totally delivers: “well, you’re a little older than me, my dear.” Haha. Nailed it! (p.s. she’s only 24) Brad says it’s a hard space to fill and Emily’s heart sinks knowing another one of her suitors is running for the hills.

Alli sits poolside with Brad and she immediately starts crying, in my book sealing the deal on her ticket home.

Chantal gets caught saying that she loves Brad even more because he does pull Emily aside to show he cares and make sure she is okay. He calls her out on it and she gets embarrassed and then starts crying because she really likes him and knows he has strong feelings for other girls.  Whoa, rollercoaster of emotions. Brad, ever the eloquent consoler says “don’t cry, baby.”  Is it just me or does it sound totally fake when he calls the girls by pet names like baby and honey?

Michelle pulls Brad out of an awkward situation facing all the girls upset about Emily’s attention to take him into a cabana to make out. He loves it. He loves crazy ladies that like to make out. Producers do too.

The group date rose goes to Emily and the girls groan when he pulls her away. Again.

The Dreaded Two-on-One date: “Come swing with the king…two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes” – Ashley the nanny & Ashley the artist dentist
The best friends in the house. Whoa, this is gonna get awkward. Michelle is nothing but excited. For their date they are not only competing for a rose, to be the last Ashley standing, but also for a role in the Cirque du Soleil show Viva Elvis. Aptly, to the song “Are You Lonesome Tonight?”

The nanny says she just wants to be the one for somebody. Pathetic. I don’t think she actually likes Brad. The artist dentist is sad because she thinks Brad is doubting his feelings for her. This show is not easy on the self esteem.  Seriously, where’s that therapist when you need him?

At an awkward third wheel dinner Brad tells each girl what he really likes about her. I think he chose the two Ashley’s for this date for no other reason than he didn’t want to have to worry about screwing up the name. Brad gives the rose to Ashley! Haha. (See what I did there? Arent you glad we make your life easy with nicknames? You’re welcome.) The artist dentist quickly accepts the rose in case Brad made a mistake. Say goodbye to the first impression rose winner, Ashley, the nanny. See, first impressions aren’t everything.

“It feels like someone punched me in the stomach. And the heart.” – the nanny

Once Brad gets back, he starts making out with the only Ashley left. Brad looks like such a goon in his stage costume with a shirt 10 times too small cutting off circulation in his bicep. (I can’t quite put my finger on which animated toy soldier he looks like – anyone have the answer? leave a comment)  “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” plays as the nanny’s tears and snot stream down her face in the limo taking her away and as Ashley and Brad don’t do much but twirl in the air during their performance.   

This week’s call to the therapist includes a stick to the mission pep talk, “more make yourself” vulnerable advice, and Brad boasting that he’s been kissing lotsa ladies. Brad learns strength and vulnerability can coexist and he is excited about the advice because if you’ll remember last episode he took his therapist’s advice and it got him lots of tongue action. Lesson learned: listen to therapist.

Cocktail party:

• Brad talks to Chantal O. and he wants to get to the bottom of whether she’s emotional or dramatic.
• Alli gets dessert and champagne because she complained that it’s hard to feel special with all the other women around. It means he likes the other girls more than you. I still think you’re going home.
• Marissa gives Brad an envelope full of little notes, acknowledging that she doesn’t get to spend a lot of time with him and he thanks her for doing something so sweet. I think she’s going home too.
• Michelle locks herself in a room with Brad, sits him down in a chair, sits on top of him, and tells him not to talk. Dominatrix style she kisses him in between giving him orders to send girls home.

Rose ceremony:
Shawntel, the funeral director/embalmer
Emily, Southern Belle Barbie
Ashley, the artist dentist
Michelle, the crazy
Alli (ugh, so disappointed – just prolonging the inevitable)
Britt
Jackie, the Wicked/Glee singer
Chantal O.

Going home:
Lisa M. – she is super cute and tries to play it cool but has to dash out of the place and then ends up crying enough tears to fill the hotel pool.
Marissa the sports publicist – Brad begs her to “try to understand” and she’s trying to understand why she left her awesome job and what she’s gonna do now.

Next week: Costa Rica
Beverage of the evening: Newcastle Brown Ale

I’ll be filling out an online casting nomination form for my friend Heidi to be a contestant woman looking for real love on the next Bachelor because she’s hilarious and beautiful and it would really give me the inside edge to have her on the show. haha. jk. (kind of) Actually, I am just a really giving person and I want to share her beauty and talent (I hear she’s in talks to reboot the Sound of Music) and hilariousness with the world.  If you, too, would like to nominate a friend, ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, current boyfriend/girlfriend, or family member, here’s the online nomination form.  If you have a fun story about who you’re nominating, please share!