Tonight on The Bachelor we get answers to all of the important questions in dating life drama:
Q: Who wakes up with a black eye and no idea how it happened?
A: Michelle, that’s who.
Q: What does the H. in Ashley H. Stand for?
A: Haywire.
Q: Who is going to possibly kill Brad, is afraid of heights and wants to throw up?
A: Michelle, of course.
Q: Who kicked Michelle’s ass in her sleep?
A: My hero.

Michelle says Brad will kiss her eye and that will make it better. I don’t believe her…I’m still waiting for those fireworks she promised would appear when she shoved her tongue down Brad’s throat.

“If you don’t get a rose on a one-on-one date you’re going home and life is over. Week four. This is serious.” – Chris Harrison.  Okay, I may have paraphrased there a bit.

One-on-one date: “How deep is your love?”
Chantal O.

I have my fingers crossed hoping to hear Sisqo’s catchy tune in the background…”how deep is your love for me…tell me what it’s gonna be…” as Brad gallantly walks in the door to his brood of waiting women but instead Michelle just blurts out: “I have a black eye!” Kudos to you – you win the crazy award.  Again.

As we dive into their date we learn Chantal married her high school sweetheart and now she’s divorced and realizing she doesn’t have much experience dating. It’s my professional blogging opinion that Chantal has the biggest advantage because she doesn’t know what real dating is supposed to be like and therefore actually has a shot here.

Their helicopter chariot whisks them away to Catalina and Brad explains that he is taking Chantal to do something that will make her feel like she’s completely out of the real world.  Because helicopter rides on first dates are all too real.  And so is competing alongside 25 women for one guy.  On television.  They are going to walk on the sea floor. Chantal confesses she is afraid of deep water and though feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and stress, she’ll face her fears to show Brad how deeply she cares for him. Come on, someone make a ‘take the plunge” or “dive in feet first” joke. No humor.  Week four – very serious.  

This date is awful.  It’s the ugliest sea floor ever. There is one orange fish about the size of a large goldfish.

Brad asks if Chantal wants to get married again and Chantal says absolutely. Brad asks more about her marriage and she shares that it lasted four and a half years but she was with him for 10 years and now knows a lot more about herself.  Brad says he wants that too, he’s so much more open to that, and he wants to share his life with someone.  I’m sick of him saying this same line to every girl in the house, to Chris Harrison, to his therapist, to the camera guy… but the ladies love it.  She’s totally falling for him. (if you are playing the drinking game I told you not to play, I fully understand that you’re drunk at this point, even by just reading this recap.)  They repeat that they like each other a lot. Then a quick kiss and a kiss on the hand.

Back to the rainy mansion where crazy Michelle confesses she thinks she may have beat herself up in her sleep.  I believe her. And I think everyone else in the house does too.

Cuddling up on their lounge chair for two, Chantal apologizes for slapping Brad upon first meeting him (translate: sorry I did what the producers told me to do to get them good ratings).  Brad says she brings out the playful side of him and she calls him out on stuff, that being with her feels like real life so he offers her the rose.  Then he utters “you better accept the damn rose” and they giggle and he throws his head back to show how playful he is. I don’t believe you.  Then he begs her to “please quit talking and just kiss me, please?”  This is getting pretty boring so I feel like it could be going somewhere.  And it does goes somewhere…Inside the cabana on the beach for more cuddling and kissing to get out of the rain. Chantal thanks God for the rain. 

Michelle is adamant that she and Brad have what none of the other girls do (an on-call therapist?) and later warns “there is a really good chance that if I don’t get a date this week Brad might get his own black eye.”  I believe her.

Group date: “let’s put our love on the line”
Ashley S, Stacey, Lindsey, Meghan, Alli, Lisa, Jackie, Ashley H. and Britt

I am so excited because they are at the Loveline radio studio. This is gonna get interesting and hopefully really funny. I listen to Kevin & Bean every morning so these guys are regular characters for me. The girls wait in a sound-proof room and they are nervous about what Dr. Drew may ask. They should be nervous knowing all the therapy Brad’s had – he’s a pro at this game.

Brad’s first topic is about cheating. Stacey admits that she cheated on her college boyfriend. This was pegged in previews to be the second biggest drama-filled moment of the evening but all Brad does is commend her honesty. The girls ask about Brad’s type and he says he doesn’t have a type but he just wants to find a real connection where he can be himself. Brad says the girls open up and share a lot, which clearly the producers did not find interesting because none of it was aired.  I’m so utterly disgusted at boring this was.

Now, for a pool party – surprise!  The girls take turns interrupting each other for alone time with Brad. Alli steals Brad from Stacey, who is then pissed because Ashley S. pulls him away one minute in to her alone time and then karma comes around and dishes it up in the form of Jackie the Wicked/Glee singer. Brad loves it. I’m mildly amused.

Britt looks like a really cute girl next door and concedes nervously that she has a crush on Brad and he buys into it by demanding that she come over to him despite the fact that they’re already sitting right next to each other. During some pretty hot and heavy liplock action Ashley H. the artist dentist is creeping up behind them. After Britt and Brad wipe all the saliva they’ve just exchanged off their lips Ashley H. gets some alone time and she becomes the bitter pill Brad doesn’t want because she is getting jealous and voices it. She says she feels like she needs to pull away and get defensive and to console her Brad tells her their first date was perfect, calls her “babe” with false affection, tells her to “hang in there,” and then only offers his shoulder. I get hopeful as it seems he’s going to give up on her or perhaps offer her his therapist’s business card.  Mumbles yells from the other room (seriously, this time, not on the couch next to me) that he should give up on her – 20 girls are ready and willing, happy to do this, enduring what is sure to be lifelong couples therapy, and plus, she’s not that cute. Brad says he knows what he needs to do which either means a) she’s going home or b) she’s getting a rose. He says there’s no way in hell that he’s letting her second guess their connection and it seems as if he’s gearing up to give her the rose BUT she throws another pity party tantrum in the hot tub to get attention and he changes his mind, pulling Britt away to tell her they have good kisses. Ha. Awkward, but I get it. Might as well keep the good kissers and the crazies around – both provide entertainment.

The artist dentist realizes she might be costing Brad a few grand in therapy and therefore may have ruined her chances. I concur.

One on one date: “let’s hang out together”
Michelle

Chantal pulls out the psychology card (no wonder Brad likes her!) playing mind games with Michelle by pointing out that Michelle’s date card doesn’t say anything about love and every other one-on-one date card has. And boom: out comes the crazy!  It’s like magic!

Michelle pronounces this day to be her day. Black eye concealed under a frosting layer of makeup, Michelle is pissed that the artist dentist is getting the pity limelight from the girls and Brad on the morning of her special day. Gasp! Brad tells Ashley he cares and he wants her to stop being lame and pouty. Okay, not quite so succinctly, but that was the gist of it.  While Michelle has a poutfest of her own Chantal points out that Michelle walked away from the group during the action movie filming to have a tantrum and Brad had to take time away from the group to go after her. Nope, not the same she says. Completely different. Totally. You’re wrong. She beats people up in her sleep. Believe her.

Brad drives Michelle up to his Bachelor pad and he feigns surprise at the sight of the helicopter. Someone should tell Michelle how many other girls got helicopter rides before she did. I nominate Chantal.  They land on top of a building and Brad looks over the edge to point out the pool below where they’re going to have dinner, which Michelle will need after she swears she’s going to throw up. She’s practically crying when she learns they’ll be repelling down the building to get to the pool. So, of it wasn’t obvious before: the producers have clearly lined up these dates matching the womens’ deepest fears. After the fake drama and tears they kiss while still up in the air. Blah.

Brad is overwhelmed by their bonding experience. I am grossly reminded of Jake & Vienna’s bungee jumping fall into love.  Then Brad dives into the pool, fully clothed. He’s so proud of his spontaneity and boyish charm. Then she seals the deal by making him swear to never repel off a building with another woman. He agrees. She’s satisfied and kissing ensues, then cut to her post date interview where she shows how pleased she is with herself by fiercely punching the air. What a whacko.  That’s how you got that black eye, darlin’…watch out. 

During dinner Brad says he wants to meet her daughter, Brielle. Michelle asks Brad if he’s really ready to get married and then tells Brad that she can’t see him with anyone but her. Brad points out their obviously very intense connection then goes to get her a rose. He calls this rose “an easy one.” I chuckle. Brad says he can easily see his day to day life with Michelle. I can too. It goes something like this: taking care of Brielle, getting Michelle’s prescriptions filled, dropping Brielle off at school, attending intensive therapy, picking up Brielle from school, dropping her off at therapy, tightening the straight jacket at home, then off to the bar for work. Wake up. Repeat. More kids = more therapy. You’re gonna need another bar, bud.

Welcome back the therapist. The deepest Brad can go is telling his therapist the pressure he is feeling from having to kiss all the girls. The therapist says to explore it fully, go for it, express the romance, do it, go with it, spread the herpes love. That’ll be $500.

Cocktail party:
Shawntel – Brad calls their connection “understated.” but she jumps into his arms and they kiss, recreating their only connection during the steamy, staged action movie sequence.

Meghan – Brad tells she has walls up. She knows. He tries on his therapist hat and tells her to “own this as her own experience.”

Emily – Brad tells her he has something for her then pulls her aside to give her a basket. We hear one of the girls ask from the other room “do you think he has the ring in that basket?” Haha. Good guess! But sadly, no.  Brad has been looking forward to seeing her all week; he doesn’t want her to feel forgotten so he wants to do everything in his power to make sure she knows he cares about her. They have a sweet talk, he asks about her daughter and she says she left little presents and notes for her lunch everyday. Darling. It’s easy to understand why all the other girls in the house are jealous. Mother Teresa strikes again.

Chantal – feels like a fool after seeing Brad making huge gestures to show Emily how much he cares. Brad says he loves that she’s not needy and that she is independent. She agreed that she needs to trust that he’s man enough to do what’s best for him in the end. “Damn straight I’m man enough to do that,” he says with a straight face until she laughs at him. And that’s what he loves about her. And kissing makes everything a-okay.

Rose Ceremony:
Britt
Chantal
Michelle, black-eyed crazy
Ashley S., the nanny
Alli
Emily, Southern Belle Barbie with the soul of Mother Teresa
Shawntel, the funeral director…how do we not know more about this yet?
Lisa – she’s cute but I don’t know a gosh darn thing about her
Jackie, the Wicked/Glee singer
Marissa, the sports publicist – also no story here
Ashley H., the artist dentist

The three lucky loser ladies going home:
Meghan – her ego is blown as she hobbles out of the mansion through the courtyard.
Stacey – laments that “it’s just not in the cards…”
Lindsey – disappointed with a smile, fighting back tears. Then heaving a bit as she sucks in the snot. Still classy though.

Tonight’s beverage of choice:  Pete’s Wicked  Ale Strawberry Blonde

Next week: Vegas. Fireworks (must be as a result of kissing Michelle!), shopping bags, NASCAR racing, lots of tears, jealousy, surprise.

Thoughts on the episode? Leave a comment!