Explosions, drama, damsels in distress, territory marking, manipulation, tears, and goodbyes…and that’s just the “Tonight on The Bachelor” intro clip! Here’s the skinny on the whole show:

17 “normals and crazies” still left says Chantal O. And that just about sums it up.

First solo date: “Let’s find our love song”
Ashley S., the nanny first impression rose winner

Brad says his nerves went away the first time he met her and that’s why he chose her for this special date. Ashley S. vows that she’ll get Brad to kiss her on the date, which is at Capitol records for what Brad calls a torturous event: recording the song “Kiss From a Rose” by Seal (random). Little does Brad know that she is deathly afraid of singing and has a huge singing complex. Big oops. But, low and behold, “Kiss From a Rose” is one of her favorite songs (where did you find her?!).

They.are.awful. AWFUL. I’m still sick and have not had any wine. My insides are writhing in embarrassment. I hate this date. Brad says he is very comfortable with

Ashley and he is naturally more affectionate with her because of it. Then, surprise! Seal is here singing his famous song that has huge sentimental value to Ashley. I hope that the producers intentionally arranged this because she mentioned the song and her father in her pre-show interview because otherwise this is totally random.

Now they are up on the rooftop of Capitol Records with a stunning city lights view for a romantic dinner. Ashley shares the story about her father passing and how they used to sing “Kiss From a Rose” together at the top of their lungs. Brad moves to consoling her and she brings a positive note to her otherwise very very sad story (especially for a first date). She was really cute explaining how special Brad made her feel despite their incredibly awful singing. She really took Chris Harrison’s warning to heart and Brad noticed, thanking her for being so open and honest. Then, Brad asks her to accept the rose and she misses the perfect opportunity to ask for a kiss from a rose…corny, yes, but, hey, she said she wanted a kiss. Don’t fret, though, they have a little make out session at the end of their date. I’d like to also note that she made sure the camera crew caught it on tape…when they came up for air she totally looked around for the camera!

Group date: “Love hurts”
Lindsey, Shawntel, Alli, Britt, Kimberly, Sarah, Chantal, Ashley H., Lisa, Stacy, Marissa, and Michelle

Michelle has totally been pegged by producers as the crazy sexy chick that will provide the best over-the-top stalker comments, which is evidenced by the small snippets they throw in about every 6 minutes. Example of said funny moments: “our card says love hurts but what really hurts is being on a group date with these women.” what a gem.

Brad is already sweaty when the girls show up and as he is welcoming them he is attacked by ninjas and street hoodlums and manages to fight them all off, impressing all his lovely lady friends. On this group date they’ll be filming their own action movie scenes. Alli probably says it best when she confesses that she would prefer not to sweat in front of brad. True: “pit stains are not hot.”

During the filming Lisa is the brunt of Michelle’s jokes because her grunts sound like birds chirping. Ha! Shawntel N. is really standing out to Brad today because she is really taking the butt kicking seriously. They make out a lot. A lot. And I really wish she wouldn’t have worn those leopard leggings during the closing scene. Not cute.

To celebrate their cinematic debuts, Brad takes them to a pool for a “Woo!!” party, where everything is “yay!” and “woohoo!” But not everything is splashing chicken fights and bikinis…Chantal O. takes Brad aside and starts crying going through the ‘I’m sharing my boyfriend with other women’ phase and she opens up about her relationship with her estranged father who passed away. And (this may sound familiar) Brad comes in to console her and Chantal says that she feels a really strong connection with him, he’s making her feel special. And he says he likes her all puffy and crying because that’s real life. She tells Brad she likes him. He likes her too. She replies “too much.” Then they kiss. It’s pretty steamy.

Alli is inside talking to Brad and crazy Michelle appears in the background slinking in and then acts surprised to be interrupting. Brad stutters through asking Alli to leave so that he and Michele can talk a bit. She confronts Brad about not getting alone time then starts the waterworks by saying she feels selfish for being there and leaving her daughter. Here’s a hint about this show: tears = kisses. Michelle is feeling so accomplished after getting her kiss. Mission: accomplished. After that steamy, manipulative kiss Brad retrieves the rose to go to the rooftop to… tell Shawntel that he is wildly attracted to her and he wants her to be around to get to know her better. Didn’t see that coming!

Then the premiere of Love Hurts, which we don’t really get to see. And its been more than six minutes so Michelle gives another speech about Brad being hers and that in the end it will be just the two of them in Tahiti practicing making babies.

One-on-one date: “Love is intoxicating”
Emily

Emily is terrified that when she tells Brad about her daughter and her daughter’s father he’ll run for the hills. She shares her story with the girls in the house and they are all a big ball of tears. After hearing her story, all the girls forget it’s a competition and are very encouraging about her opening up to Brad and telling him everything.

Best quote of the night comes from Meghan the man, who I’d like to not call the man anymore because I’ve deemed her funny; she explains Emily, Southern Belle Barbie as such: “Like an itsy, bitsy barbie doll with the soul of Mother Theresa so you want to hate her but you can’t hate Mother Theresa, you have to love her… so no one hates Emily. Awesome.”

Brad surprises Emily with a flight to Santa Maria. He is so excited. She is terrified but tries to cover it up because Brad is giddy and proud that the producers set upbsuch an awesome date for them. While lounging in the vineyard Brad asks Emily about herself and she replies that she’s just like everyone else, you know, she gets grumpy when she’s tired…haha. She is hilarious at deflecting his hard questions.

Back at the mansion Madison is reflecting on Emily sharing her story and she sheds a few tears realizing that she wants to find a partner. In life and maybe she shouldn’t be here in this competition vying for Brad’s love when so many women are clearly very invested. Hmmm…very profound and insightful.

Back to Emily and Brad who are having a lovely romantic dinner arranged in a barn.  Brad pretends like he is actually thinking of not giving her a rose because he’s worried about her not opening up. She is too beautiful to not get a rose. I don’t believe you, sir.

Emily senses the awkwardness so she tells Brad about her fiancé Ricky Hendrick, son of NASCAR race car owner Rick Hendrick, and the tragic plane accident. Emily keeps reaching for the wine. I like her. Brad makes the right move by immediately asking about her daughter and Emly immediately begins to open up. Brad seems nervous so he kisses her hand, then her cheek and then Emily leans in to let him know he can go in for the kiss so he does. It’s very special and romantic and I hear my husband, Mumbles, grown from the other room (okay, the couch. Right next to me.) “ugh, I can’t believe she kissed him!  She is way too good for him. AND he just kissed 10 other girls. Eww.”  I’m not even angry at his outright jealousy as I admit, I, too, am quite mesmerized by her – she’s so “gosh dang” pretty and her smile is so white! Swoon.

Every girl tonight has said that Brad makes her feel very special. He is getting really good at this game! Uh, I mean true-quest-for-love-that-just-happens-to-be-televised.

Next we’re introduced to the therapist Brad is working with while he’s in LA. I must admit that hearing him talk to his therapist sounds exactly the same as the conversation he’s supposed to have with Chris Harrison before the rose ceremony reflecting on the past week. This guy is a professional, though, so it’s more credible and a bit more bearable.

The cocktail party:

“I wrapped myself up like a present so I could open myself up to you,” says Alli. [insert inappropriate comment from Mumbles.] She shares that her dad was unfaithful and had a child with someone else. Wow, casting did a great job of finding women with Dad issues just as screwed up as Brad’s but I’m getting a little sick of it and can only imagine that Brad is too.  I mean, really, do they think that a guy with really screwed up history with his Dad also wants a woman with really screwed up Dad issues?  I guess it’s something to bond over, but wow.  Brad and Alli talk about trust and Brad shares that he’s never cheated on anyone. Very important.

Brad pulls Chantal O aside and they giggle over how physically attracted they are to each other and Brad apologizes to her for not giving back enough of what she deserved after opening up about her father and family. They are having a really great, intimate moment when Michelle comes over and rudely asks “am I interrupting?” – yes, yes you are. But you knew that. (why doesn’t anyone ever just say that?! And why is the Bachelor never kind enough to rescue the poor girl getting interrupted?) Michelle announces that she and Brad are in a fight. Hello, crazy. She confronts Brad about kissing other girls and he plays right into her little game by saying she’s a smart alec and playful and she can steal him away any night of the week. Crazies always win (at least in the first 5 episodes).

Madison has a good talk with Brad and opens up about how she’s been feeling after hearing Emily’s story and seeing him connect with other women and how it has influenced her expectations for falling in love. It was a very real conversation and Brad lets on to understanding that she may want to go home so he tells her he respects her for those feelings. I do too. Turns out the girl with the fangs is one of the normal ones!

Brad has a one-on-one talk with Ashley H., the artist dentist, and he senses that she isn’t feeling comfortable which is his therapist inspired mantra for the night and therefore bothering him that he won’t be getting a gold star. It’s really unsettling to him knowing that Madison might he going home and he’s concerned about losing her so he comes back to Ashley on the couch, pulls her up and lays a big kiss on her for reassurance. Can’t be losing too many women in one night, it’ll throw off the crazy v. normal balance in the house.

Roses:

• Ashley S., the nanny
• Shawntel N, the funeral director
• Emily, Southern Belle Barbie
• Michelle, the crazy
• Chantal O.
• Lisa
• Jackie, the Glee/Wicked singer
• Ashley H, the artist dentist
• Marissa, the sports publicist
• Britt
• Alli
• Lindsey
• Meghan
• Stacy

Madison walked out of the middle of the rose ceremony and Brad gallantly followed her to understand why she wanted to leave. Commendably, she recognizes that she has put up a facade to guard herself and now other women are being real and making real connections and she explains that she would feel guilty taking a rose away from someone who is here and has been putting their heart on the line from the beginning. Kudos to you, lady.

Sarah and Kimberly also went home tonight, neither of whom seemed too devastated…until they get outside and Kimberly says “f&$! Brad” and Sarah sniffles while advising the women of the world that rejection sucks. Word.

Who do you think has had the best kiss so far? Leave your thoughts below!