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The Bachelorette recap episode 7, season 7

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This week finds us in Taipei, Taiwan. There are six guys left with only 4 dates to be had…3-one-on-one dates with no roses and one group date with one rose up for grabs. 

JP is jealous already and scared of losing Ashley while everyone is feeling the pressure wanting to make it to the next round for hometown dates.

One-on-one date: Constantine “let your love light shine”
The pair will be taking a steam engine to a small village for a lantern festival. Constantine wants to know if it’s a speed train, while Ashley notes that their relationship is moving super slow. BFOTB makes it known this train ain’t no Hogwarts Express. I fully agree. Clearly, we are more excited about Harry Potter later this week than the entire season of this show combined.  Ashley and Constantine paint their love wishes on a lantern and being a man of many family traditions, Constantine is taking it very seriously.

Ashley tells Constantine that she is really attracted to him physically. We think he looks like an oaf. They seem to be having a nice conversation and Ashley is surprised that Constantine remembers things that she’s said in the past.  Seriously, lady, raise your standards. In regards to how slowly their relationship is moving Constantine says he’s not trying to speed it up or force anything to happen, he’s just waiting for a moment when he knows. That’s all fine and well and normal for regular dating, dude, but this here’s a competition and you’re gonna have to step it up.

To top it all off they have a super lame, sappy peck kiss session. Mumbles and BFOTB’s husband compare it to mild salsa. All the right ingredients. Not enough spice.

All the lanterns released into the sky…so romantic…until you view it through BFOTB’s eyes: littering. Seriously, I wonder where all those love wishes go to die?

One-on-One Date: Ben “let’s spend a gorges day together.”
I seriously wonder if Ashley told producers that she “likes to explore” as her idea of dream dates because practically every date has involved gallivanting around a village or city. But this one is totally different because they’ll be exploring a park…on a moped. Ben drops the “precious cargo” line which makes Mumbles laugh because he gets that speech from my Dad every time we leave their house, and we’ve been together for over 7 years.

Ben F is falling in love with Ashley but he doesn’t want to tell her yet. Mumbles notes that Ben just pulled an “upper like” on her…he recognizes an “upper like” when he sees/hears it because he pulled that crap on me when we were dating. Ashley says she feels like Ben is her boyfriend.

The perhaps only interesting thing about this episode is that JP gets super pissed because Ben didn’t come home from his date until the morning. 

Group Date: Lucas, Ames & JP “I’m grooming you for the Big Day”
Ashley is excited to be taking wedding photos in a wedding district in Taipei. Reminds me of Las Tunas in Temple City…anyone?  I think putting on wedding dresses before you’re getting married with a bunch of guys you’re dating is awful. But, it makes it a little better that the guys look ridiculous. Except JP comes out in a James Bond tux. Ugh, he is such a cry baby who is now grinning from ear-to-ear because he got his way. I feel like JP and Ashley deserve each other. I can see their future now: insecurity-induced fights and long nights full of questions like “do you think I’m pretty?” 

Lucas is in traditional Chinese garb and when Lucas and Ashley kiss on camera the veins in JP’s forehead bulge. Ames and Ashley’s shoot is super cute in a tree. Whimsical.  He’s wearing a light blue sequined tux.  His photo definitely came out best.

Lucas says he felt out of place in a dress because he’s traditional and was a bit jealous to see JP in a tux and her in a white dress with flowers. He’s already had a wedding so maybe Ashley thought he wouldn’t mind. Lucas says he’s ready to be married again. He misses the simple pleasures of marriage and wants to have kids. 

Ames brought some photos to share. Ashley tells Ames that he’s the most unique person she’s ever met. [Not good]. Ames is wearing hot pink skinny jeans. [Also not good].

JP shares that he was unhappy and jealous all week. His veins are still bulging. Ashley sees the potential for a hulk-esque moment and asks if JP got mad or got in fights with the other guys because he was upset. He says no and so she rewards him with a rose.

One-on-One Date: Ryan “let’s get a taste of Taipei.”
The foreshadowing here is that Ryan is wearing a Pepto pink shirt…something to ease your stomach later on. Ryan seems desperate to find a woman and make it work. His words: he’s yearning to focus his life on one person and build a partnership. They make a wish in front of the matchmaker and the stones they throw land on the same side, which apparently is a bad thing but I couldn’t really tell because it didn’t seem to phase our Bachelorette. They sit on steps and watch some people doing Tai Chi. Ashley doesn’t feel ready to meet Ryan’s family, she doesn’t feel a romantic connection.

Ashley asks for a tip to help her “go green” and Ryan starts talking about the most boring possible thing: water heaters.  Apparently that was his shot to redemption and he completely failed. Ashley gives Ryan the “you’re a great guy” speech. He looks confused. She tells Ryan she’s not feeling a romantic connection. He is surprised. Not quite understanding he asks in a high pitched voice “so you don’t want to meet my family?” They part ways and now Ashley doesn’t know if she made the right decision.

Ryan wipes away one. glistening. tear.
Then he cries, curses and walks off camera to hide behind the bushes.
There’s a lot of voice cracking.
He has to fetch his own cab, too.

For all you single ladies out there, word from our friend Casey is that you can find Ryan soaking up the sunshine in Corona Del Mar on his beach cruiser. You’re welcome.

Ashley says she doesn’t want a cocktail party, she’s ready to go. (at this point we wonder if she’s super bummed and wishes she could bring back other contestants from reject-land). 

Roses:
JP
Constantine
Ben
Ames

Looks like oil and sun didnt fair well on tonight’s show.  Lucas is a gentleman saying goodbye to Ashley. He says he was shocked. Ashley tells him she felt a super strong romantic connection. (IE: “wish we would have hopped in the sack before you left”). And we would have liked to see a football game in Odessa but we’re over it.  Thanks for nothing, Ashley.

Ashley is a crying mess. She’s ready to get outta Asia.

I know I’m not even going out on a limb when I say: Worst. Bachelorette. Season. EVER.  Seriously, I long for the days of cocky/errogant/entertaining Bachelors like Andrew Firestone and Charlie O’Connell.  Those were fun seasons.

Now an uninformative and uninteresting interview with Emily about her breakup with Brad.  Is anyone [other than Chris Harrison] surprised to see her in that chair? She looks amazing but it doesn’t help to mask the fact that half of this conversation consists of “um” and “you know” filler…No, Emily, we don’t know. That’s why you’re here.

She’s disappointed. She’ll always love Brad. [Liar]. She has nothing bad to say about him. [Don’t believe it]. She wanted to be married and have more kids. What she wanted for their relationship didn’t match up with the reality.  [Boring].  We were a little worried they were going to announce her as the next Bachelorette but could they honestly pull that off?  Might be the controversy the show needs but Emily would look like a total fool. [More than she does already]. 

Next week: hometowns, roller skating, restaurant cooking, Greek dancing, meeting moms and dads. More boring but one step closer to the end!

PS. Constantine and Ashley’s love lantern got pissed on by a stray dog. Haha. They never show the good stuff during the show.

The Bachelorette Recap episode 6, season 7

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This week we may be in a new place physically (well, watching on tv – in Hong Kong) but Ashley is still in the same place mentally – all wrapped up and stupid over Bentley.  Mumbles is calling out the Bentley count but I disregard because I know we’ll be in double digits by the first commercial.  Chris Harrison meets the guys to welcome them to the tallest hotel ever. Okay, maybe not, but whoa. It’s tall.

More Bentley talk from Ashley and then Chris Harrison comes to Ashley’s suite to talk about…Bentley.  Ugh, the guy is not even here to make awful, funny comments so I am really annoyed that we have to hear so much about him.  Surprise!  Bentley is here in Hong Kong. Ashley is so touched that Bentley would come all this way just to talk with her. She’s stuck on the “dot dot dot” and can’t let it go and I can tell for once that Chris Harrison wants to flat out say “you’re a pathetic idiot and this guy’s a jerk.” But he doesn’t.  At least he is trying to be helpful for once, advising Ashley to make sure she doesn’t leave the room without answers.  No dot dot dots. My Little Lauren is watching with me tonight and she is pissed Ashley didn’t change her outfit.  Again with the oversized see through blouses.  I don’t think it’ll really matter what she’s wearing.

A kiss hello from Bentley at the door.  Awkward. Bentley says he thought about calling but that would’ve been too easy. [Read: I’m getting a free vacation out of this.]  Bentley says he’s been working. That’s it. Ashley has to ask him how his daughter Cozy is doing. “Oh, uh, yeah, uh, she’s good.”  I almost suspect at this point that he doesn’t have a daughter. That would have been an awesome con.  Bentley asks if Ashley’s okay. She says she has bug bites from the last place they were at, acting as if he just missed a city, didn’t totally desert her at week two and everything is just peachy.  Bentley says he missed her when he was home. Ashley confesses that she hasn’t been able to let him go. Bentley says a little speech that pretty much ends with, “well, uh, yeah, you should probably give it a go with the other guys.” I wish he would’ve been the hilariously evil guy he was when it was just him and the cameras so I’m utterly disappointed at how stupid this whole scene is but also somewhat proud of Ashley for pulling out the f*bomb and asking him if this is their period. (ya know, to end the “dot dot dot”…man, I hate these people). She says she needed this time away from him to be able to see through him.  Whatever.

One on one date: Lucas “let’s find our fortune on the streets of Hong Kong”
Lucas feels that this is a once in a lifetime date but little does he know that Ashley has been on this same date with practically every other man…street markets in foreign cities…seriously, these producers couldn’t book more interesting things to do? Lucas has a mission on this date: a dance, a kiss and a rose.   Lucas says his divorce was the hardest thing he’s ever been through and I think it’s scaring Ashley a little bit plus there doesn’t seem to be any romance between them so I almost think she’s going to send him home but instead she gives him the rose and a quick kiss. But, oh, Lucas is not satisfied with that – their first kiss! – how dare she initiate! So he asks for a real first kiss. I hate when guys do that. Lame. Later, Lucas gets his dance. Not as lame. And then I laugh when Ashley proclaims “there’s something about Lucas’ manlihood that makes me feel like a woman.”  Manlihood.  Awesome diction there, Ashley.

Small interjection for a personal moment: saw the Winnie the Pooh movie trailer…so going to see that. Adorable. I love Tigger. No, I don’t have children. Don’t judge me.

Group date: Ryan, Mickey, Constantine, Ames, Ben F., and Blake
Blake is disappointed that he doesn’t get the one-on-one date. He and Ryan are the only two not to have one-on-one dates yet.  The guys are informed that they’ll be dragon boat racing so they’re split up into pairs to recruit teams in the city. Ben and Constantine are having no luck convincing locals to come hang out with them so instead they resort to buying red silk kimono robes because, heck, if they’re going to show up just the two of them to row this boat, they’re dang well going to look the part.  The robes must have done the trick because all of a sudden they show up with a crowd of people. That was funny. Mickey and Ames found all the pro racers – I think it’s because Mickey is such a looker.  He’s like this generation’s Jesse Katsopolis.

The race is going well but not for Ben and Constantine, as I believe their boat is full of people who thought they were going to a comedy show or something where Ben & Constantine would entertain them.  I don’t think they specified that physical work was involved.

Ben: “we’re getting smoked”
Constantine: “like salmon, bro.”
Ben: “Our chant was supposed to mean ‘eat it.’ But we found out later it means ‘idiot.'”
Later, they’re singing row, row, row your boat. Hilarious. A+ for effort.

Post-race party:
Little Lauren again is not pleased with Ashley’s outfit choice.  “The bigger the hoop, the bigger the hoe,” she says.  BTW, I have to ask Little Lauren how to spell “hoe.” With an ‘e,’ really? Like the yard tool?  She lives in Long Beach, she knows these things.  

  • Mickey is ridiculously good looking.
  • Ames is pleased with himself. He pulls Ashley away from the group, takes her in an elevator, pushes number 48 and pulls her in for a kiss. Whoa, surprise. More kissing. Elevator doors open. Stop kissing. Doors close, kissing resumes.
  • Ben kinda looks like Mr. Rogers in his yellow sweater but we like it. Ben says he’s on the path to love. Even though he was a big skeptic now his walls are down.  I think he’s sticking around.
  • All the boys hate Ryan. I still find him to be too smiley.
  • Blake threatens (to the camera) to pack up and go if Ryan gets the rose tonight.
  • Almost perfectly timed, Ashley grabs the rose to take back to Ryan. They still don’t have good kisses. It bugs me. I think it bugs everyone.

One-on-one date: “JP, let’s take a peek into our future.”
JP is honored to have the first second one-on-one date, which does kinda suck for the guys who haven’t even had one yet. I called it, though. I figured the reason Ashley wants the one-on-one date with JP now that she’s over Bentley is because their first date was right after Bentley left and she was all sad and sulky in her PJs on their date. Not fun. Honestly, I think this date is just dinner which doesn’t make up for the mess she was on their first date, but okay.

Ashley asks what the last thing was to make him cry and JP says his it was his ex-girlfriend.  Ashley thinks he’s the whole package but for some reason feels the need to tell JP about Bentley. Maybe because she feels close to him? Or maybe because she feels like he’s her best friend, not her boyfriend. Either way, not a good idea.  Ashley is trying to justify it away but tells JP she kept thinking about Bentley. Which every man wants to hear. JP handles it well telling her he appreciates her honesty, he’s happy she got the closure she needed, and he wants to move on.  Other things that happened on this date: We find out his name – Jordan Paul – I don’t like it. Little Lauren does. Music sounds like the soundtrack to Mulan. Ashley and JP make out a lot. I’m okay with it. 

Cocktail party:

  • Ashley’s boobs make an appearance. It must be giving her some confidence because she decides to tell all the guys that she completely fell for Bentley and saw him in Hong Kong to get closure. She’s excited and happy.
  • The men’s reaction: Silence. Silence and drinking.
  • Constantine calls her out, then so does Lucas. Lucas has the rose so I’m proud he stepped up to challenge her the most, as I’m sure they all wanted to say things but felt they couldn’t say what they felt for fear of jeopardizing their chances.
  • Ryan flat out tells the guys if they don’t want to be here to just go home because he wants to be here.
  • Little Lauren loves Ames. Ames says “I suppose we all want our fairytales to be simple.” Little Lauren swoons.
  • [Pause for angry bird tutorial. Mumbles is newly obsessed.]
  • Blake finally gets some alone time with Ashley and he tells her it isn’t sitting well with him to know that she had a lot of feelings for Bentley and he was only around for a little while. He hasn’t had a one-on-one date and this dude gets flown to Hong Kong for alone time. Ashley cries, Blake recants, gives her a hug, and they both walk away frustrated.
  • “Oh, Mickey, you’re so fine” tells Ashley he feels like she lied to them. Mickey is pissed because he doesn’t see what she saw in Bentley. Mickey says if that is what you’re looking for, please send me home. He is not interested anymore. I get his point. (Lucas also made it while talking to the other guys: she’s wasted their time). Mickey advises Ashley to send him home. Ashley says he should take the initiate to leave. He does. I don’t think she thought he would. But, she’s also super insecure so I bet she was thinking she’d rather it be this than that she just didn’t measure up.  The guys respect Mickey for taking a stand on how he wants to be treated in a relationship but they also know they can’t leave because they’re not as hot as Mickey. Now, I’m not ever a fan of recycling contestants but oh, Mickey. I’d welcome him back with open arms.

At the rose ceremony Ashley thanks the guys for sticking around. It would’ve been awesome if another one left. Blake was pissed but now he’s committed to Ashley and is concerned about her feelings. You have to tell her, not the camera. It’s too late, dude.

Roses:
JP
Lucas
Ryan
Ben F.
Constantine
Ames 

Blake doesn’t seem distraught, but disappointed. He said he wants a friend. I’m a little sad for him. I think I would’ve liked him a lot. I don’t particularly like Ashley so I’m not too sad about him or Mickey leaving. (Dodged a bullet!

Coming up: Taiwan, trains, tai chi, a glitter tuxedo (take one guess at who’s wearing it), Fiji, yachts, mud, swimming, men not ready for proposals, someone’s coming back? Lots of crying and a broken heart.

P.S. The clip at the end of Ashley and Ben talking in their puppy voices is funny and only furthers my obsession with getting a dog. I will have one. And you’ll meet him/her one day on this here blog.

Libation of the evening:  Wild Coyote Rosé of Syrah, 2010

The Bachelorette Recap episode 5, season 7

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Another attempt at a new start, this week Ashley and her “not as good as Bentley” men (I think I shall call them Bentley Crew) are inChiang Mai,Thailand.  At the Mandarin Oriental, a super awesome line of luxury hotels – I am impressed. And jealous. Bentley’s name has already come up more times than I can count but Ashley swears that’s all behind her.  Liar!

There are 11 men left for Ashley to choose from and it looks like another is going home in an ambulance.  Other bad news (for the guys) that’s exciting for us: there’s a two-on-one date this episode!  Nothing like an awkward third wheel date to really spice up the drama and awkwardness! 

Ben F., the winemaker/orphanage painter, gets the one-on-one date and when Ashley comes to pick him up, all the men sense the palpable sexual energy between them (between Ben and Ashley, not all the men…well, it was Ames who said that so can’t be quite sure, really).

They take a Volkswagen van/bike (seriously, what was that thing?!) to a marketplace to eat street food, buy a robe, walk hand-in-hand.  Seems a lot like Constantine’s date from last week, right? Ben says it feels like he’s on vacation with his girlfriend. Ashley says she was surprised to have felt so much chemistry and meanwhile, Ben is starting to see her as a possible fiancé or wife.

There’s a lot of awkward silence which on this show always means its time to make out but because they were in front of a sacred temple they couldn’t actually kiss. Instead they had a mental kiss. Not as good. But they pretend it was and now Ashley is feeling feisty, she’s ready for dinner, where presumably they’ll be able to kiss all they want.

A gorgeous dinner table is set up surrounded by thousands of flowers on a garden lawn. They talk about how he got started in winemaking and Ben shares that his father passed away really screwing him up emotionally until the last year.  Now he’s ready for love and makin’ out. Ashley thinks Ben is getting an A+ on their date, she gives him the rose and then music starts, fire dancers come out, and Ben goes in for the kiss. Ashley is not disappointed and thinks it could be forever. (Maybe. If it’s not Bentley. Okay, I just threw that in there, but come on, you all know she was thinking it!)

Group date: Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan, JP, Mickey

The guys are excited/terrified when they figure out that they will be training with Muy Thai boxer/fighters.  Lucas has no clue about training to fight but he’s been in some street brawls. I believe him – he’s a country boy. Ames? Never been in a fight. Surprised? Not at all. Surprised thatAmes gets the pink set of boxing gear? Not at all.

They arrive at a fight and realize that they’re going to be fighting against each other. Shock! (Ashley is in a state of fright and fear the whole time…whichever producer thought up this brilliant idea probably got promoted). Here’s how the matches went down:

  • Blake v Lucas – Blake wins.
  • Mickey v JP – JP, the self proclaimed “Jew from Long Island beat the Irishman from Cleveland.”
  • Ames v Ryan – Ryan knocks Ames in the head. Ooh. Ouch.
  • Nick v Constantine- “the heavyweights”Constantine wins.

Ashley, ever they worrywart, is troubled by the far off look Ames has in his eyes so she runs to alert the paramedics to her damsel in distress and they cart him away. Not dramatic at all. I hate this show.

At the post fight party:

  • Ryan is feeling super guilty but still shows off his battle wounds.  Chicks dig scars. Write that down. Ames is back, prep boy suit and all. He has to know he can’t go home tonight – this earned him at least one more night here. Pity rose is a for sure.
  • Blake is totally getting the friend vibe from Ashley. He tells her that “love is a marathon, not a sprint” to try to win his case. 
  • Lucas is apparently more comfortable now that he’s punched some dudes in the face. He is a golfer so at Ashley’s request, he gives her a little lesson. Very cliche, very sexy.  Lucas calls Ashley out on her attraction to Bentley and she pulls that brand-spankin’-new wisdom from Blake out of her pocket to reassure Lucas that love takes a while to grow.
  • Ashley gives Blake the group date rose and he goes in for his first kiss.  

Two on one: William and Ben C. “guide me to love”

The two men paddle a boat (while Ashley sits comfortably) down the river to a little picnic area. William tells Ashley that Ben C. can’t wait to go home to all the ladies waiting for him in the realms of the online dating world. Instead of asking Ben any questions she just announces that the two on one date is over and walks Ben back to his little getaway boat. It’s a slow getaway. Definitely not romantic.  What I liked most was that in their brief “it’s been real” goodbye, Ben says something along the lines of “aw, come on, I was joking about that. It was funny. Ask anyone!” 

Wills is pleased his plan worked out. He’s at ease at dinner. Ashley asks Wills if he still feels like a 30-year-old boy. A stupid grin emerges. Ashley is not feelin’ it. She tells William she’s lost that lovin’ feelin’…whoa whoa whoa. I’m beginning to feel like Ashley is getting her brain back. She proclaims that she needs a man, not a boy. And the rose is set to burn in a firepit. So dramatic.

Cocktail Party:

  • Ryan is totally way excited. Ashley looks bored.
  • Constantinelikes Ashley’s realness.Constantineis asked if he is closer to the guys than her. He says “naturally.” Good answer, bud.
  • Ashley asks JP if he could see her in his everyday. He says that he already feels like that.  Ashley wants to tell JP what she feels for him but she’s afraid of getting hurt. And, she’s in love with Bentley.

Bentley.
Bentley.
Bentley.
Mumbles is mad at me for not keeping a Bentley counter going. Is there an app for that?

Ashley tells her ole buddy Chris Harrison that she can’t stop thinking about Bentley. Ashley wants to talk to Bentley to get some closure. 

Rose ceremony:
Ben F.
Blake
Constantine
Lucas
JP
Ames, the pity rose
Mickey
Ryan, the enthusiastic solar energy specialist 

Nick, the surfer/Matthew McConaughey look alike says a sad goodbye to love. Not as sad as Wills who earlier said he wants to go to bed and never wake up. Again, where’s that on-call therapist from last season??

Next week:Hong Kong, bad boy Bentley’s back, Mickey tellin’ it like it is (wow, he’s good looking!), lots of tears and drama. Oh, also, from the looks of it I really don’t like Ashley next week.

Can’t wait!

P.S. Anyone count how many times she said Bentley?
P.S.S. Anyone watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition after The Bachelorette?  Uh-mazing.

Late recap apology

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

So sorry to keep you waiting on this week’s recap. Mumbles and I just moved (more to come on that!) so our tv was just set up last night. I promise to post a recap tonight and I also promise not to be offended if no one reads it seeing as its already Wednesday and let’s face it – Bachelorette news is only news on Tuesday. 🙂

The Bachelorette Recap episode 3, season 7

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Wow, what a show.  It’s hard to believe we’re only in episode 3 (let alone only in the second week of Ashley knowing these guys) and already the tears are flowing, biggest insecurities are being realized, hearts are breaking, and our villain is going home – so soon!.  [pssssttt…i heard a rumor that he’ll be back!!]  Maybe ABC wasn’t so crazy last season hiring that therapist to make regular house calls.  They oughta think about hiring that guy full time on call.  Here’s how it all happened:

The first one-on-one date was with Ben C, the french lawyer, nay flash mob dancer! Ashley takes Ben to a dance studio to learn the dance moves she’s choreographed for a secret flash mob dance (which immediately made us think of this awesome commercial – speaking of which, AT&T is really spot on with brilliant commercials lately – my other favorite is this one) she has planned at The Americana at Brand, a lovely outdoor shopping mall.  Ben is smitten with Ashley having seen her in the dance studio where she’s so comfortable, confident and sexy (oh, Benny Boop, just wait until later when the insecure Ashley resurfaces!).  Whilst they’re lounging in the grass in the middle of the shopping center, random passersby all with their phones out to snap photos of the darling couple, Ashley states that she’d really like to do their dance. Right now.  Ben. Is. Freaked.  But, all in the name of love, right?  He gets up and rocks that dance and soon notices that the gawkers are now joining in too.  Here’s my version of what’s going on in Boring Ben’s mind strictly interpreted via eyebrow movements and anxiety in the eyes:  “Wait, how do they know this dance?  Does everyone know this dance and I only just learned it?  Oh…oh, I see what’s going on here – this here was planned!  Ashley, you trickster!” Now Ben is having fun.  My favorite part is when the dance has ended and everyone just walks away nonchalantly like nothing happened.  Not even a hug it out, high five or “good job, bro.”  Other than that, the BFOTB and I decide that we NEED to be part of a flash mob.  Heidi’s gonna come (Note: Heidi and BFOTB Ashley are big fans of the choreographed dance having created and performed a marvelous one at the wedding of yours truly and Mumbles.  It was thoroughly enjoyed by all.)  and you can come too – “bring your green hat!” Flash Mob America – write that down. 

Next part of this date is a live performance by the Far East Movement.  The Bachelorette and her lawyerman (who BFOTB thinks looks just like the bad guy/backstabbing friend Carl from Ghost, right?!) have a nice little kiss in the crowd to the background of a collective “awww…”

Ben from The Bachelorette & Carl from Ghost

Ben explains his unrealistic views about love to Ashley: “I want to live in an idealistic bubble where we believe we are more in love than any other couple. Ever.”  That’s intense.  He softens that up a bit by saying he’d like to go on a second date with her. She gives him the rose and then they suck face for a while.

Group Date: Ames, Ben F., Mike, Blake, Jeff the Phantom, Lucas, Nick, Ryan, Wills & Bentley – “Make me laugh”

Phantom Jeff is perched on his balcony and today is the day the mask is coming off.  The unveiling is quite underwhelming but entertaining too. A) because I already know what he looks like and B) He’s not attractive nor does he have any jarring facial disfigurements to have really warranted the “get to know me without my looks” phase for so long and C) I realize he’s had that mask custom made to fit his face/large nose.  Ashley, too, is disappointed when she only says “He’s a lot older than I thought he was.” Not a good sign.  Blake says it best comparing it to “when someone tells you ‘I got a surprise’ and you open up the present and there’s not much there.” Well said, sir.

The large group heads to a comedy club to meet with Jeffrey Ross, the Roastmaster.  And everything goes south from here.  In front of a sold out house, all these guys are going to be tearing Ashley apart.  Not a brilliant idea of a date for such an insecure lad.  We learn Wills’ life aspiration is to become a comedian so he’s using this like an audition. Lucas the oilman has a good plan – play it safe. Best to not impress than to offend.  Smart man. My favorite line was naming Phantom Jeff as Zorro’s unemployed brother.  For someone who has only spoken about 10 words to Ashley and just revealed his face, he gets ballsy and makes a rude comment about her small breasts.  One of the guys said it was like “Whoop, here’s my face; you have small titties.”  Inappropriate. Bentley, ever the chivalrous man he is, defends Ashley’s small boobies because she has the butt to make up for it.  Class act, that guy.  Wills gets his shot at glory to impress the Roastmaster and completely bombs, telling the crowd how disappointed he was to find Ashley as the new Bachelorette instead of Chantal or Emily.  Bentley is surprised Wills said that out loud…he’s been thinking it all along, too, but just couldn’t believe Wills actually said it.  The audience is silent. Not even the crickets are chiming in.  Whoa, awkward.  After the show, Ashley quickly exits the stage and finds a dark corner to cry in.  Bentley uses the opportunity to mess with her head and console her.  Meant to sound like a reassuring compliment he says, “Of 25 guys, I can promise you 24 were really excited it was you.”

Of all the guys, Wills is the one that almost married Ashley on date 1 so she was most hurt that he would say those things at her expense. Instead of trying to make it up to her he just quits and tells her to go talk to the other guys, even saying that he’d go home to pack.  He leaves the party to go brood on a bench somewhere and then wait….he’s running! We were hoping at this point for him to come storming in out of breath but instead he apparently just ran back to sulk on a stairwell closer to her. 

Ryan comes to the rescue all sweet and sugary, telling her that she is exactly who he wanted to be there. He finishes by throwing in a “you’re gorgeous” and a nice long kiss.  Just what the dentist ordered!

Ashley gets some alone time with Bentley and confesses that she received warnings about his intentions prior to their meeting.  Bentley correctly guesses that these warnings came from [crazy] Michelle Money from Brad’s season.  Apparently, according to Michelle, Bentley was coming on the show to promote his business and would only stick around a few weeks.  Bentley’s job occupation title reads “Businessman.”  (As in “Excuse me, do you have any businesswomen’s specials?”…movie title anyone? anyone?!)  Ashley makes it known to Bentley that if he leaves it would be harder for her than anything she went through last season.  Bentley says they’re both on the same page. [Liar] “Definitely feelin’ some feelings.” [Insert evil grin] Ashley says she’s falling in love with Bentley right on time for Bentley to declare in his confessional that he doesn’t want to be here anymore.  The next morning he’s packing his bags and Phantom Mask-less Jeff is quite the counselor asking Bentley if he’s sure he has to go, prompting him further by telling him (as if he didn’t know) that he’s a front runner and Ashley likes him more than all the other guys.  There’s that evil grin again. Bentley is quite pleased he’s played everyone. 

My favorite quote: “I’m gonna make Ashley cry; I hope my hair looks okay.”  I’m seriously starting to wonder if this guy isn’t Michelle Money’s ex-husband.  What a pair!

After calling Ashley an ugly duckling (not to her face, of course) compared to Emily, he concocts a story about missing his daughter (Cozy) and being consumed by worry that she’s missing him and asking about him. I imagine Cozy’s mother has already had a version of this conversation with her daughter that goes something like this “Oh, he’s off in Hollywood breaking some girl’s heart on national television, Cozy, that’s where daddy is right now. But don’t you worry, sweetie, it won’t take that long. He’ll be back before you know it!”  Bentley is annoyed beyond belief at all the tears and hugging and crying and kissing he’s having to put up with right now.  He gets a little more interested when Ashley straddles him, legs around his waist noting “something good could happen right now [read: sex]…but I’m not into her.” He demands that Ashley leave a “dot dot dot” [an open loophole for him to return to cause more mischief later this season, I presume]. She’s hopeful. He leaves with one last touch of the glass that separates them and then Ashley retreats under the covers and sobs into her pillows.  A lot.

That night she’s got a romantic dinner at home date lined up with JP.  Frankly, she looks like hell because she’s been crying all day.  Ever the gentleman, he brings flowers and tells her how beautiful she looks.  He’s quite the looker, this one.  BFOTB has narrowed him down to a cross between Joseph Gordon Levitt and Heath Ledger.  Sure. He’s pretty.  And, also very understanding that she’s had a rough few days so he asks her if she’s okay and then transitions to making the night about them, all while making sure she’s comfortable.  So comfortable, in fact, that they both change into their pajamas.  PJ’s with JP!  Cute. Ashley is thankful that JP let her be herself and have a bad day.  They have some romantic kissing moments on the plush bear skin rug and she’s mesmerized for a little while.

Cocktail party comes around and Ashley is back to being devastated.  She thought Bentley was going to be her husband and now is at a loss for how to continue being the Bachelorette.  Broken hearted, she’s talking to Chris Harrison and I actually like the role he’s playing for once, trying to help her navigate through the Bentley crap.  See, no need to hire a therapist if Chris Harrison does his job right!  Chris asks if she was just attracted to Bentley because he was forbidden from the beginning.  Doing his best, he’s trying to steer her away from Bentley, letting her down easy with the honest truth that there is no dot dot dot and that if Bentley really was a good guy and wanted to be there, he would have said he was coming back.  Also a nice time to remind her that there are plenty of other good looking fellas in the other room dying to see her.  She could care less and opts to skip the cocktail party and get to sending some guys packing. 

Rose Ceremony:
Boring Ben C., the bad guy from Ghost
Ryan P, the solar energy specials (received the group date rose for his good kissin’ and consoling skills)
JP (received a one-on-one date rose on a bear skin rug by the fire)
Constantine
West
Mickey
Ben F.
Blake, the dentist
Nick
Ames
Lucas, the oilman
Wills (kind of a shocker, but hey, masked man had to go!)

The Phantom Jeff burns his mask in the fire.  I’m almost a little sad because I feel like he probably spent some cash on having that custom made for the show.  Maybe he’s writing a research paper about awkward social situations.

Next week: Thailand, elephants, kayaking, boat rides, man claws, and everyone hates Ryan P.

P.S.  The clip at the end of the show of the masked man on the toilet looking through the classified ads in the paper to find a car or a boat is hilarious.  All this is happening whilst Bentley does his hair.  “The boat doesn’t have an engine or a steering wheel – think it’s worth it? …it’s only a hundred bucks!” …end scene.