Shirtless Sean is back again and not only that, but we get a lovely ground-up shot of our Bachelor in his tighty blackies (is that what you call black boxer briefs?) so we know it’s time for this show to get a bit more steamy.  Leslie H. is crying four minutes into this episode because she just wants a date.  So does everyone else, lady. Calm down.  Here’s a recap of week 4:

One-on-One Date:  Selma — “Let’s turn up the heat.”

Sean says that he’s really looking forward to spending time with Selma and giving her a little surprise.  In the limo, Selma makes sure to announce her weight: 110.  Just in case you didn’t catch that shameless plug.  Also, we’re pretty sure half that body weight is being held in the general vicinity of her push-up sports bra.  They pull up to the airport and Sean has a private jet waiting with a red carpet rolled out.  Sounds like a glamorous start to the date, but don’t get ahead of yourself, there Selma. You’re still in workout clothes.  In the middle of the desert.

“I got the limo, I got the jet, and then he took the Iraqi to the desert,” says an utterly disappointed Selma.

They hop in a jeep and head off to Joshua Tree National Park where they’ll be rock climbing.  Selma is not impressed and definitely not pleased.  She hates heights, loathes heat, and is similar to AshLee in that she probably doesn’t like anything that has to do with activities.  It’s gonna be a long climb, I can tell ya that much. But, Selma finds her inner goddess and scurries up the rock — I think just far enough up in front of Sean so that he can’t hear her cursing. Also, it’s pretty clear Sean told her to head up first so he could stare at her butt the whole way whilst the camera can shoot down her shirt, all the while listening to her grunting up that rock just so Sean might know what she sounds like in bed.  She’s a clever one, that Selma.

For dinner that night, Sean still doesn’t want Selma to feel at ease so he’s sucked all the glamour out of this part of the date too, bringing her to a dinner in a cute little campground area with a country glam trailer for Selma.  They lounge, lying together when Selma lets us in on her background: she grew up in a conservative, strict Arabic home; she wasn’t allowed to date and she says her parents put a lot of pressure on her.  Sean tells the camera how much he wants to kiss her, but Selma says she needs to explain herself to Sean so that he understands why she can’t kiss him on camera in front of all of America.  Selma says she won’t let Sean kiss her until she’s his only lady.  So, scratch that: not so steamy of an episode.

But then she goes and makes a really taunting statement: “I can take you home but I can’t kiss you.”  Jerk.  Seriously, this must be a game because why else would you come on national television for a dating competition?  Really?

Group Date: Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah, Tierra — “I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.”

Catherine is psyched. Linsday thinks they’re getting in giant hamster ball things and rolling down a hill.  She’s wrong.  They’re playing (do you play?) roller derby.  I’m not quite sure why people do this.  Who likes this?  Answer: Tierra. Tierra likes this.  Sean calls it from the get go: Tierra and Amanda are going to be hardcare competitors. Amanda lies and tells all the other girls she’s a roller derby pro.  Robyn’s doing the splits because she can’t even stand up in skates.  You’d think that she’s just not coordinated (see out-of-the-limo acrobatics disaster), but it turns out all the girls are taking dives left and right.

Who’s the a-hole who decided to put the one-armed girl in a vicious, physical competition?  Thank the Lord for the sweet, supportive preacher’s adopted daughter who encourages her, while Sean just stands there looking like an oaf.  He finally gets a clue and spends some time reassuring her.

Amanda’s psycho side is definitely coming out but then she takes a face dive. Oooh. Ouch.  Sarah says she heard Amanda’s chin smack on the ground.  As she’s cupping her face, Sean desperately asks: “where does it hurt?!”  Idiot.  The medic comes and tells Amanda that she could have a broken jaw. So she’s whisked off to the hospital and much to the girls’ delight, Sean tells them they don’t have to compete and instead they’ll be free skating.  Phew!

• At the rooftop party, Tierra’s angry eyes are starting to show the devil within.
• Sean pulls Sarah aside and she’s relieved to have time alone with him because she’s very embarrassed following her difficulty with roller derby.
• Amanda arrives during the party and Sean pulls her away to talk. Amanda admits that she plays dirty and will milk the heck out her injuries to get ahead.  All she gets is a kiss on the chin.  Totally not worth it.
• Tierra and Robyn are ready to rumble but instead Tierra says she’s ready to walk out.  And then she does.  She asks a producer if she can leave and then she goes on a hunt to find Sean as he is making out with Lindsay.  Cue the emotional meltdown.  Meanwhile, Sean and Lindsay have changed into bathing suits to get in the hot tub but Tierra pulls him away. Tierra tries to explain to Sean the torture that she’s enduring because she’s so sensitive. And, you know, no one knows what this experience is like.  Not anyone who’s been on any of these 17 seasons.  No one.  Ugh.  Tears are gone, heart to heart is happening, and then she breaks character and smirks a bit.  She makes it pretty clear she wants her alone time with him — either a date or a rose — and when he excuses himself to grab the rose, those cuh-ray-zee eyes come out and she knows she’s got her man.  What.A.Sucker.  This season’s Bentley for sure.
• The other girls are pissed.  And, it appears Robyn may be the one to try to make Sean see Tierra’s dark side.  That never bodes well.

One-on-One Date: Leslie H. — “Could this be forever?” (and fancy diamond earrings!!)

Not only does Leslie get to wear some fancy schmancy earrings, they get a fancy convertible to match.  In a very Pretty Woman-esque date, Sean takes Leslie to Rodeo Drive to go shopping.  Is everyone forgetting that Julia Roberts was a hooker in that movie?  Ha. Just kidding.  Super fun date. Except, the dresses are awful.  She finds a dress, shoes and a purse, and Sean gets suited up in a tuxedo to surprise her with a trip to Neil Lane to add a 120-carat diamond collar necklace to her ensemble.  It’s like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I’m surprised they aren’t followed by diamond guards all night.

The final surprise of the night is a private dinner.  Conversation over dinner is awkward.  I think the diamonds are a consolation prize and he intends on saying goodbye to her this evening.  Everything she’s saying sounds great but there doesn’t seem to be any chemistry between them, right?  Sounds like an interview.  Sean says Leslie is gorgeous, conversation is effortless but the connection just isn’t there.  Not surprised. More compliments.  It’s like a compliment sandwich, with the meat really being that he’s just not that into her.

Sean just gets right into it, picking up the rose and telling Leslie that this was such a romantic date and day and yet he still doesn’t feel a romantic connection with her.  “So yeah, Leslie, I can’t give you the rose.”  And I am surprised those diamond guards aren’t standing outside ready to strip her of that necklace.

What’s worse is that Ben Taylor (should I know who that is?) was there to perform live just for them.  Jerk.  Should’ve had at least a few dances with her before he said goodbye.  She never got to take those new shoes for a spin.  Sad story.

Back at the mansion, the girls are jealous that Leslie gets to keep the diamonds, even as her bags are taken from the house.  Well, Leslie, consider yourself lucky. Not everyone gets diamonds!

Cocktail Party:

• Sean showers AshLee with compliments and reassurance that he’s always thinking about her.  They kiss.
• Robyn tries out really awful pick up lines on Sean – a totally cliche take on “want some chocolate?” – and they kiss.  She’s freaking out because she’s so happy.  Giddy even.
• The girls are gathered around the mansion fire talking behind Tierra’s back, which essentially is pointless because she already has a rose. And because she heard them.
• Tierra asks Robyn and Jackie for alone time so she can apologize.  She must realize one of them will go running to Sean to tattle so she’s taking the offense.  Instead of an apology, Tierra tells Robyn that it’s her fault for assuming she didn’t like her, and then tells Jackie she’s learned to put up with her. Wasn’t much of an apology but they both accept.  Tierra admits it was totally fake and forced. She’s here to win, folks.
• In alone time with Sean, Tierra tries to get sympathy from Sean with the “girls don’t like me” and “I hate drama” cards, and Sean is still blind so he lets her play those cards all night.
• Catherine has a healthy perspective on understanding Tierra’s got a reign on everyone in the house so she’s decided to ignore it and just focus on Sean. She’s got a piece of paper with her lip prints on it tucked into her lady parts — frisky! And then as if that wasn’t forward enough, she blurts out: “I”m so attracted to you.”  The tension is building and they really want to make out but everyone else is watching so Catherine proposes a walk.  Good plan.  After more exchanges of “I like you” and “no, I like you” back and forth, they have a sweet kiss out front where no prying eyes (except the cameras) can see.

Roses:

• Selma
• Tierra
• Catherine
• Desiree
• Lindsay
• Lesley
• Robyn
• AshLee
• Sarah
• Jackie
• Daniella (though he barely got her name out of his mouth…whoa, awkward)

Going Home:  Leslie (with her diamonds) and I-almost-broke-my-face-for-you-Amanda (whose outfit I really liked).

Coming up: next week there are two days of Bachelor with a plane ride, snow, a concert, dancing, helicopters, fields, blindfolds, horse & buggy rides, tears, crazy laughs, bikinis, and maybe a hospital visit.  Our guess is a polar bear plunge date turned hypothermic disaster.

What were your favorite moments of the night?

Shirtless Sean is back for episode 3.  It’s not that tense yet, but the fun is just starting, right?  Here’s a recap of week 3:

One-on-One Date: Lesley M.  — “How long will this love last?”

Lesley packs her bags just in case she gets the boot (what a way to start off your date, right?) and saunters away with Sean to the Guinness World Records in Hollywood. Lesley says it’s normal and fun to hang out with Sean by herself, ya know, doing normal date-like stuff.  But let’s face it: she’s totally bummed there’s no helicopter or fancy diamonds.

Sean tells Lesley that his dad set a Guinness World Record for driving the 48 states in the shortest amount of time. And then he tells he lays it on her (well, not yet, actually) — they’re there to try to break a world record of their own:  longest on-screen kiss! A crowd has gathered in Hollywood to watch and cheer them on, which is super awkward and I’m surprised I’m not in the crowd live tweeting the awkwardness.  P.S. In addition to wishing I was a florist so I could make a killing as a sponsor of this rose-filled show, I now also wish I had some stock in Chapstick. That’s gonna come in handy right now. Seriously, advertisers should be clever like that.  Write that down.

The current on-screen kiss record has stood for over 10 years at 3 minutes and 10 seconds and I just tell Mumbles that I think they must have it wrong because I’m sure there’s lots of films with more than three minutes of consecutive kissing but most people just won’t cop to watching it. Ha. I kid. But seriously.  Perhaps it’s for the rule that their lips must not break from one another (apparently no extra points for tongue here, which is fine by me).

“At first it’s so passionate and then it’s just a little awkward.”
– Lesley, who keeps making it awkward whilst she continuously claws at his head and opens her eyes.

More than three minutes later, the record is broken and they get a fancy framed certificate (but still not a lip balm in sight). Yay! Confetti. Now, onto alone time…Sean says he feels very comfortable with Lesley. And he’s even more smitten with her when she talks enviously about her parents’ marriage. It’s like these girls know that the family thing could possibly be a soft spot with this guy.  I wonder…

Lesley shyly tells Sean that he makes her very nervous…she giggles a bit, tucks the hair behind the ear, blushes…and then they make out. Meet Lesley’s move. Works like a charm! Watch for that in future episodes. I’m sure it’ll be back.

To conclude their evening on the Roosevelt Hotel rooftop, Sean gives a lovely little speech about how quickly he’s developed butterflies for Lesley and as they kiss there’s a loud bang but not to worry, this isn’t my wedding night and that bang isn’t a drive by shooting (true story, but I digress…), it’s just more confetti being released.

Group Date: Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie, and Tierra — “Who’s going to win my heart?”

“I’m glad I’m not on the group date because I have a feeling it has something to do with activity…” – AshLee

It doesn’t take long for Sean’s shirt to come off, at the ladies’ insistence, of course. After some frolicking in the sun, buzzkill Chris Harrison shows up and splits the group into two teams. After a horrible, clumsy game of beach volleyball, the blue team wins and the red team is frustrated, sad and doing a bit of sore losing if we’re being honest. Furthermore, I’d say Sarah probably would’ve played better than most of those girls.

Now that the group is down to half, everyone is vying for some quality time with our stud muffin Sean.

Lindsay is getting even more swimfan-like if that’s even possible and she’s already talking about being best friends and reading each others thoughts and I’m sure producers cut out a part about bunnies and sunshine to go along with those roses but surprisingly, Sean’s not scared off yet so they just make out.

Sean says he loves Desiree’s confidence and he doesn’t think he’ll tire of spending time with her. “You won’t; I’m fun,” she replies. I like her. She continues to share her philosophies on life, explaining that she sees beauty in the world and enjoys life and that’s why she’s so happy. Gosh, she’s just a doll, isn’t she?

Amanda tries to bring a funny lady vibe to her time with Sean and fasts forward to tell him how awesome she’s going to make their marriage. When she returns back to the group of girls, she makes sure to let them all know she’s getting a rose, which only grinds Desiree’s gears. And now Kacie can foresee there’s drama a brewin’ so she’s going to put herself back in the friend zone and tattle to Sean. But good boy Sean knows well enough to ask Kacie why she would bring that to him because both the other girls seem fine and haven’t said anything to him. “But why are you involving yourself in that?” says Sean, perplexed. “I just want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person.” Wah wah wah… You’d think by now she would know that the person who runs to tell the Bachelor something about the other girls never gets anywhere but gone.

“This has been a night I’d prefer to rewind and start again or completely forget about.” – Kacie

Sean gives the group date rose to Lindsay and now Kacie can’t stop crying.

One-on-One Date: AshLee  — “Do you believe in magic”
Before this date starts, there’s a bit of controversy because Tierra thinks she’s being he house jester by saying Selma’s name is on the date card too, leading them to believe it’s a two-on-one date and someone might be going home.  You can almost see it in Tierra’s eyes: the “OMG girls, tots just kidding! I’m such a jokester!” And the girls are not amused. And it’s probably a good thing it’s not an elimination date because I already had AshLee pegged to be going home. Ha.

While AshLee’s waiting for her prince to come swoop her up for her date, Tierra falls down the stairs. When the paramedics get her in the collar and on a stretcher, Tierra refuses to go with them.

“She will go as far as she can minus the hospital.”
– AshLee on Tierra’s performance.

The “magic” is at Six Flags Magic Mountain, a place for which AshLee is completely inappropriately dressed. The amusement park is shut down just for them for the day, but Sean has invited two girls with chronic illnesses who love The Bachelor to join them for the date. It’s a darling story, actually. Kudos to you, ya big teddy bear of a Bachelor!

AshLee says her heart is thrilled to see Sean choosing to give back. After a day of riding roller coasters, playing carnival games and winning oversized stuffed animals, the Eli Young Band performs a private show for the four of them. And it’s so sweet when one of the girls says under her breath that she’s never been to a concert. Precious. Also, Sean cannot dance. Awful.

During alone time AshLee tells Sean she wants a big family and would like to adopt older kids, and Sean confides that it’s also been on his heart to adopt children. After she tells Sean the story of meeting her dad for the first time, Sean tears up and AshLee goes in for the friendly hug. Sean gives her a rose. The band plays a slow song, they stare into each other’s eyes and have their first kiss.

Cocktail Party:
Sean takes Sarah outside and a limo pulls up which freaks her out because she thinks he’s escorting her out to send her home but it turns out he has arranged for her dog, Leo, to come visit. Very nice, but all I can think is maybe he should have brought the dog at the beginning of the week since he left her lounging around the house without a date. Just sayin’.

Tierra is pissed off when Desiree interrupts her alone time so Tierra steals him back. And then that happens with every other girl. Steal after steal after steal. And poor Desiree was still waiting on that couch because hours ago Sean promised he’d return. Oops.

Kacie tries to apologize but Sean seems disinterested. Looks like having played this game before has not put her at an advantage. She’s been around crazy too long! Before the rose ceremony Sean pulls Kacie outside to tell her that he thinks they are better off as friends. Kacie says she left Ben’s season with no regrets but she’s got a lot of them to mull over this time around.  Should make for some fun fodder for The Girls Tell All.

Roses:
Tierra
Leslie H.
Catherine
Daniella
Robyn
Selma
Sarah
Jackie
Amanda
Desiree

Going Home:
Taryn is sad she didnt open up more but wonders if shes not sweet enough for him. Kristy is level-headed but somber. And then the tears. Do you think Kacie going home was a set up to possibly make her the next Bachelorette??

Coming up:
Fast cars, fancy jewels, cuddling close, plane rides, bad come on lines, roller derby, and the reign of Tierra.

What were your favorite moments of the night?

In case you have a tendency to fast forward through commercials too quickly, The Bachelor has made it easy for you by beginning yet another episode with Sean working out, pumpin’ iron…showering. The usual.  And more of the usual firsts for these first dates — helicopter, jumping off stuff from high up, photo shoot, dress up, pool party, making out,

photo via Todd Wawrychuk | ABC

First One-on-One Date: Sarah — “Are you ready to fall in love today?”

And with our first one-on-one date, we also get our first helicopter of the season.  Sean takes Sarah on a romantic ride to a rooftop where they free fall down 300 feet for a champagne toast that awaits them at the bottom.

During down time together, Sarah tells Sean a story of going to Vegas and being told that because she has a disability, she wasn’t able to go ziplining.  Her father told her in that moment that she needed to find a man strong enough to console her and be there for her during all the trials she’ll face, which is why she’s in awe of Sean asking her to do something so bold as to jump off a building together.

When asked about past relationships, Sarah says she’s only had one serious relationship that ended because they didn’t have enough in common and she’s looking for more adventures. Sean gives Sarah a rose on a rooftop and he says that he’s blown away by their first date and he has butterflies and really wants a first kiss with her…and there it is: the first kiss. And then this, already, and too soon: Sarah says she’s falling in love with Sean. We may have a stage 5 clinger on our hand. (Ouch, that was bad. I know).

Group Date: Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley M., Daniella, Catherine, Robin, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie, and Tierra — “Let’s capture the romance.”

The limo full o’ ladies arrives at a huge mansion to take photos for romance novel book covers.  The models in the house are ecstatic. Everyone else: not so much. The four categories of costume are: cowgirls, vampires, sexy (how is that a category? gosh, it’s just like Halloween!), and historical.  Sean and Lesley M. are the first pairing to start making out in front of the camera and all the other gals are livid. Meanwhile, Kristy the model is confident that her whole life has been leading up to this moment. Everyone concurs and Kristy wins the book deal.  I must say that the vampire girls really got screwed. Not hot.

Later at the pool party, Lesley M. pulls Sean away from the crowd to go chat. Sean asks her why she’s on the show and she confesses it’s “for love; I’m hopeful.”  At this point you can tell Sean realizes he can dive in and kiss any girl at any time — competition is fierce — but Lesley gets in her own way and appears to literally shrink on screen as she crosses her legs and arms and all but just folds into herself.  Horrid body language for someone who apparently is attracted to the guy sitting right in front of her.

Meanwhile, Daniella is drunk. But she’s not so drunk that she doesn’t recognize Lesley M. is on the prowl to hunt down Sean for another liplock session.  (She does.  And they do.)

Kacie tells Sean why she’s into him and he simply looks bored. But he tells her that he’s excited she’s there and he’s grappling with the idea of moving her from friend zone to a potential girlfriend zone. Kacie confesses to the camera that she never wanted another rose again and now she’s hoping for 10 more. And cue the crazy witch laugh. I don’t see this working out, unfortunately.  I wonder if producers are trying to test the waters to see if America loves her enough to be a Bachelorette?  Hmmm…

“I’m vegan but I love the beef,” says Catherine, giggling. That came out of nowhere but it was pretty funny. All we know about her so far is that she is super into Sean and thinks he’s a hunk.  And something tells me that’s really all Sean needs to know.

Sean talks about maybe finding his wife and Selma is totally smitten.  She reminds me of Marisa Tomei and BFOTB says she looks like Ashley Greene.

Despite the other girls already pegging Tierra as the bad girl of the house, Sean seems quite taken with her so he pulls her aside to reassure her of his infatuation.  She gives him the “I’m here for you and not the other girls” speech and he tells her to hold tight and be confident in how he feels about her already.  When will these Bachelors learn…

Katie the barefoot yoga instructor told Sean that the competition process was not her cup of Yogi Tea so he bid her adieu and she left, much to the other girls’ delight.

Kacie wins the group date rose from Sean, proving she’s graduated to the girlfriend zone.

One-on-One Date: Desiree — “Love is priceless”

Sean says he wants a girl with a great sense of humor so he has arranged for a prank to be played on Desiree.  During a staged art gallery exhibit, a piece of art will come crashing down with Desiree in the room alone while Chris Harrison and Sean watch from behind the scenes. As Sean and Desiree get a behind-the-scenes peek at the artist’s masterpiece, Sean is pulled away by a producer so that Desiree and the pretend art curator are left alone with a fake artist’s interpretation of the Chernoble disaster.  As she’s left alone, the sculpture collapses and shatters.  She was a classy lady and Sean comes to rescue her to reveal the joke. (By the way: does this chick really think that Sean would take her to an art gallery exhibition?  Should’ve been your first clue right there, hun.)

Over dinner at the Bachelor mansion, Desiree and Sean bond over their admiration of their parents’ love and marriages. They revel in how relaxed they feel with each other, holding hands and being altogether googly eyed.

And now it’s hot tub time!  Their conversation gets heavy in regards to love and marriage so Sean grabs the rose and already tells the camera that he thinks she’ll be here for a long time.

“You honestly have every quality that I’m looking for and I’m really excited about where this is going.” — Sean

“For a first date, I honestly already feel like he’s my boyfriend.” — Desiree

Cue the makeout session in the pool.  BFOTB’s husband, Burnsy, has dubbed this “Des does Dallas.”  And if you’re not laughing really loud about that then you probably haven’t had as much wine as I did last night.

Cocktail Party:

• Lindsay gets one-on-one time with Sean where he can assure her that just because she didn’t get a date this week doesn’t mean she’s going home.  Turns out drunky bride is a General’s daughter.
• Sean tells Catherine she has a very infectious personality.
• Amanda has taken on zombie-like qualities, ignoring everyone in the house which is really perturbing the ladies.  And just when they can’t take any more of her odd behavior (pay attention to us!), Sean steals her away and she lights up like someone flipped a switch.
• “I feel like tonight is literally a tornado.  Of negativity.  Waiting to happen…” — Daniella, the drunk.  I hope she sticks around a bit longer to keep giving us these little gems.
• Robin asks Sean whether race plays a part in his decisions and he is happy to have someone put that card on the table because it isn’t an issue for him, proudly informing her that his ex-girlfriend was black and that he’s also dated Persian women.  That should make all those discrimination lawsuit folks unhappy.  And Robin is relieved too.
• Sassy Selma teaches Sean some words in Arabic.

Roses:

• Sarah
• Desiree
• Kacie
• AshLee
• Lindsay
• Robin
• Jackie
• Lesley M.
• Selma
• Catherine
• Kristy
• Leslie H.
• Tierra
• Taryn
• Daniella
• Amanda

Going Home: Brooke, Diana

Coming up next: roller coasters, makeout sessions, beaches, oversized stuffed animals, trying to break the world record for longest on-screen kiss, man stealing, and paramedics (hopefully hot ones).

What were your favorite moments of the night?

image via ABC

Hello and welcome back to Bachelor recaps! It’s been a while and I’ve missed it. If you’ve been reading along for any of the past seasons, you may well know how all these recaps and this blog came to be, so it’s only fitting that I’m happy and comfy in BFOTB’s home to watch the show, and I’m looking forward to Monday night dates with my girlfriends for the rest of the season. I hope you use this absurdly awkward yet awesome show as an excuse to get together with your friends too. It makes your cheeks hurt because you laugh so hard, I promise. And, also: bring wine. You’re welcome.

Tonight we start out — as is usual with the fellas — with some major closeups on Sean’s glistening chest whilst he works out. Then we spend a solid three minutes rehashing Emily dumping Sean (and that fake ponytail she wore while doing it – it was a bad omen, I think, of false pretenses). And, to prove that he’s healed and ready for love again, we get a minute or two of quality “awww” moments with his niece and nephew so that we know he’s ready for a family of his own. Finally, to mark the beginning of his season of true Bachelordom, his former rival-turned-friend Arie shows up to bond over loving and losing the same girl (wonder if Arie’s hoping to cash in on some of Sean’s castoffs?). Clean slates, I guess.

Sean and Arie have a good goofy laugh over some funny topics — On breakup techniques: “I can’t use, ‘it’s not you; it’s me’ because it’s obviously going to be them,” says Sean. Knowing Arie’s reputation for being a good kisser, Sean wants to know: “When it comes to tongue, what are you doin’?” which Arie proudly demonstrates for Sean and all of America. I bet that guy is just absolutely loving life after The Bachelorette. Absolutely.

In a mashup of sorts, here are some tidbits we learned about the ladies vying for our Bachelor during introduction videos, upon exiting the clown-car-like limo, meeting Sean, and throughout the cocktail party:

• Desiree, 26, is a bridal stylist who wants to be a fashion designer. Sean sure does sound like he wants to get married and this chick has been sketching up her bridal gown more than she’s ever doodled any guy’s name in a notebook, so they just may be a good fit. Out of the limo, Desiree is a beauty in a red, open-back lace gown. Just divine. And thank goodness she didn’t show up in a wedding gown (that’s someone else). Instead, she brought pennies so as not to creep Sean out, and also so they could both make wishes together in the fountain. “She was really cute,” says Sean. Indeed.
• Tierra, 24, say she has fallen in love twice and been heartbroken twice. So, they may have something to bond over in addition to the fact that she’s apparently very family-oriented. She’s thrilled when she finds out The Bachelor is Sean. I mean really excited. Really. Tierra has an open heart tattooed on her finger and after she shows it to Sean, there’s silence. They look at each other and it gets super awkward – like maybe they were going to kiss – and then Sean asks her to wait while he goes in to grab a rose. That was quick.
• Robyn is learning to speak Spanish so she has post-it notes all over her house, and there are lots of clips of her with her legs up in the air so she seems to be an amateur gymnast of sorts. After exiting the limo, she turns around to do two backbends and gets tangled in her dress while she’s upside down. Similarly at this moment, my insides are doing somersaults.
• Diana is a single mom from Salt Lake City — she’s a hair stylist, she has two kids and she’s divorced. After that I got nothin’ except I really liked her dress.
• Sarah is a 26-year-old advertising designer who lives in LA. She’s a pretty blond and she only has one arm. Sarah wears white to meet Sean, and honestly, I think it’s good strategy: show the man how good you might look in wedding white.
• Ashley P. is the crazy cat lady you’ve seen in promos for the show because she’s obsessed with Fifty Shades of Grey. We get it: you’re lonely. Her black sequin dress is stunning but she gets a little creepy pulling out the grey tie from her busom (it’s a long tie!). And, also, she’s a little sloppy drunk, which proves to be entertaining for most of the evening.
• Leslie M. lives in DC and works in politics and loves the environment. I bet she’s got an awesome Match.com profile. She brings a football and instructs Sean that they’re going to run a play with her as the quarterback…all a rouse so she can get a good view of those buns o’ steel he’s been working on.
• Kristy, is a model who thinks very highly of herself.
• AshLee is a professional organizer. She starts to tell her adoption story and for a minute I think we’re going to a dark place, but it turned out well, I think. She ended her monologue with some tears and staring off into nowhere, but The Bachelor really brings that out of girls, so we’ll let it slide. Also, she’s the first out of the limo and she seems much more normal. Good for you, lady.
• Jackie is a cosmetics consultant, who I imagine took a very long time to select just the right shade of red lipstick to bring with her so she could lather some on in front of Sean, then plant a big smooch on his cheek, leaving her mark.
• Luckily, Selma is next out of the limo and she’s thoughtful enough to pull a tissue out from her cleavage to wipe off the kiss mark on his cheek. Selma is pretty. She’s got a Marisa Tomei thing going on.
• Leslie H. is a poker dealer from Los Angeles. Kinda random and hopefully we’ll learn more about that later. She seems cute.
• Daniella came up with her own handshake and it was super awkward. I didn’t like it. Nor did I like her hair, which looked unkempt.
• Kelly is a cruise ship entertainer and she is really orange. Plus her hair looks fake. And she sings. And it’s bad. Also, she has two different colored eyes, and that is freaky but amazing.
• Katie, the yoga instructor is wearing a lovely, vibrant fuchsia dress but naturally isn’t wearing shoes. Naturally.
• Taryn is very pretty and she tells Sean she hasn’t watched the last few seasons so she and he will both be getting to know one another from scratch. That’s nice. Nice until Taryn realizes she’s on a competition show and can’t take the pressure on night one and ends up crying. First crier of the season, ladies and gents: Taryn. Write that down.
• Catherine is a sweet little graphic designer from Seattle. She seems nice and tells Sean he’s such a hunk, and she’s so right. He is. Not quite sure what it is about her — maybe that she hasn’t overloaded on makeup? — but she’s quite refreshing.
• Lacy brought a heart of lace for Sean to carry around and remember her.
• Paige is a jumbotron operator and that sounds awesome. She was on The Bachelor Pad III. Not awesome.
• Amanda is a fit model wearing a lovely black and white gown. She seems like a classy broad. Because it’s inevitable and we all know it, Amanda is smart and declares to Sean that they should purposefully have an awkward moment of silence in order to get it out of the way.  Even planned ones are heard to bear.
• Keriann — I don’t even know if I spelled her name right, that’s how much I remember about her. Sorry.
• Brooke is a community organizer. She looks like a jazz singer. Sassy. While Taryn is having a crying fit, Brooke consoles her and tells Taryn to go get some alone time with Sean. Then when Sean approaches them both to talk, Brooke leaves with him. Point: Brooke.
• Ashley H. is a fashion model and wears a light turquoise prom-ish dress.
• Lauren invites Sean home to her family’s Italian restaurant and delivers a mob warning from her dad: you break my daughter’s heart, i’ll break your legs.
• Lindsay, a substitute teacher gets out of the limo in a wedding dress and says “you may now kiss the bride” and gives Sean a kiss. Awkward. Then ends with “hopefully we’ll have our first dance inside…” Well, at least the girl can laugh at herself.
• Lastly, cutie pie Kacie B. from Ben’s season is Sean’s mystery woman and she’s looking just as polished and lovely as ever. Gosh, I adore her. Sean proclaims he’s very surprised to see Kacie and we learn that they’ve apparently hung out once before, which led Kacie to develop a bit of a crush. Looking forward to seeing where this goes!

Further into the cocktail party:

• Desiree gets some alone time with Sean and they have a sweet conversation about siblings, her wanting to be a fashion designer…and then he gives her a rose. Fantastic. She was one of my favorites.
• After three girls have received roses from Sean before any official ceremony, the other girls finally begin to catch on that they’re gonna need to talk to the guy in order to get one of their own. Make a beeline for The Bachelor, ladies!
• Best line of the night by far is from the drunk wedding dress wearing Lindsay who says “[blah blah blah]…but honestly: I wish I was more sober right now.” Then: “I wish I could do this over and maybe wear a normal dress and not try to kiss him.”
• Ashley Fifty Shades of Wasted starts dancing all over the house. She gets alone time again and pulls the tie out of her dress again with that sparkly evil look in her eye and a silly grin to match. Sean informs her that he brought a rape whistle. Wise choice.
• Sarah feels like she doesn’t deserve whatever anyone else gets when it comes to love, and is delightfully surprised when Sean gives her a rose.

After Sean passes out roses to almost half the crowd, there are only seven roses left to hand out at the rose ceremony.

Roses:

Amanda — teeth.
Leslie M. — DC lady.
Kacie — cutie pie.
Kristy — model.
Daniella — awkward handshake.
Taryn — the hot mess crier.
Lindsay — wedding dress disaster.

Going Home:
Lauren goes home to tell her daddy to put a hit on Sean, Paige the Bachelor Pad fan leaves totally defeated, Kelly the singer/cruise ship entertainer is embarrassed about singing her little song. I think she should be more embarrassed about how orange she looked on tv. But extra points for two different colored eyes. Ashley H. is disappointed and crying. Then later: dancing. Again.

Coming up this season: a castle made of ice, beaches, bikinis, boat rides, roller coasters, concerts, sunsets, mountains, plane rides, helicopter rides, rock climbing, boyfriends, cookies that taste like shit, catfights, roller derby, paramedics, crying, crying, and more crying. And, finally, an engagement!

What were your favorite moments of the night?
Any front runners so far?

P.S. I really did love some of the dresses in this episode and lucky for us, Possessionista has done a fabulous roundup of where we can find some of the styles the ladies wore on night one!  Check out her post here. Yay!