image via ABC

Hello and welcome back to Bachelor recaps! It’s been a while and I’ve missed it. If you’ve been reading along for any of the past seasons, you may well know how all these recaps and this blog came to be, so it’s only fitting that I’m happy and comfy in BFOTB’s home to watch the show, and I’m looking forward to Monday night dates with my girlfriends for the rest of the season. I hope you use this absurdly awkward yet awesome show as an excuse to get together with your friends too. It makes your cheeks hurt because you laugh so hard, I promise. And, also: bring wine. You’re welcome.

Tonight we start out — as is usual with the fellas — with some major closeups on Sean’s glistening chest whilst he works out. Then we spend a solid three minutes rehashing Emily dumping Sean (and that fake ponytail she wore while doing it – it was a bad omen, I think, of false pretenses). And, to prove that he’s healed and ready for love again, we get a minute or two of quality “awww” moments with his niece and nephew so that we know he’s ready for a family of his own. Finally, to mark the beginning of his season of true Bachelordom, his former rival-turned-friend Arie shows up to bond over loving and losing the same girl (wonder if Arie’s hoping to cash in on some of Sean’s castoffs?). Clean slates, I guess.

Sean and Arie have a good goofy laugh over some funny topics — On breakup techniques: “I can’t use, ‘it’s not you; it’s me’ because it’s obviously going to be them,” says Sean. Knowing Arie’s reputation for being a good kisser, Sean wants to know: “When it comes to tongue, what are you doin’?” which Arie proudly demonstrates for Sean and all of America. I bet that guy is just absolutely loving life after The Bachelorette. Absolutely.

In a mashup of sorts, here are some tidbits we learned about the ladies vying for our Bachelor during introduction videos, upon exiting the clown-car-like limo, meeting Sean, and throughout the cocktail party:

• Desiree, 26, is a bridal stylist who wants to be a fashion designer. Sean sure does sound like he wants to get married and this chick has been sketching up her bridal gown more than she’s ever doodled any guy’s name in a notebook, so they just may be a good fit. Out of the limo, Desiree is a beauty in a red, open-back lace gown. Just divine. And thank goodness she didn’t show up in a wedding gown (that’s someone else). Instead, she brought pennies so as not to creep Sean out, and also so they could both make wishes together in the fountain. “She was really cute,” says Sean. Indeed.
• Tierra, 24, say she has fallen in love twice and been heartbroken twice. So, they may have something to bond over in addition to the fact that she’s apparently very family-oriented. She’s thrilled when she finds out The Bachelor is Sean. I mean really excited. Really. Tierra has an open heart tattooed on her finger and after she shows it to Sean, there’s silence. They look at each other and it gets super awkward – like maybe they were going to kiss – and then Sean asks her to wait while he goes in to grab a rose. That was quick.
• Robyn is learning to speak Spanish so she has post-it notes all over her house, and there are lots of clips of her with her legs up in the air so she seems to be an amateur gymnast of sorts. After exiting the limo, she turns around to do two backbends and gets tangled in her dress while she’s upside down. Similarly at this moment, my insides are doing somersaults.
• Diana is a single mom from Salt Lake City — she’s a hair stylist, she has two kids and she’s divorced. After that I got nothin’ except I really liked her dress.
• Sarah is a 26-year-old advertising designer who lives in LA. She’s a pretty blond and she only has one arm. Sarah wears white to meet Sean, and honestly, I think it’s good strategy: show the man how good you might look in wedding white.
• Ashley P. is the crazy cat lady you’ve seen in promos for the show because she’s obsessed with Fifty Shades of Grey. We get it: you’re lonely. Her black sequin dress is stunning but she gets a little creepy pulling out the grey tie from her busom (it’s a long tie!). And, also, she’s a little sloppy drunk, which proves to be entertaining for most of the evening.
• Leslie M. lives in DC and works in politics and loves the environment. I bet she’s got an awesome Match.com profile. She brings a football and instructs Sean that they’re going to run a play with her as the quarterback…all a rouse so she can get a good view of those buns o’ steel he’s been working on.
• Kristy, is a model who thinks very highly of herself.
• AshLee is a professional organizer. She starts to tell her adoption story and for a minute I think we’re going to a dark place, but it turned out well, I think. She ended her monologue with some tears and staring off into nowhere, but The Bachelor really brings that out of girls, so we’ll let it slide. Also, she’s the first out of the limo and she seems much more normal. Good for you, lady.
• Jackie is a cosmetics consultant, who I imagine took a very long time to select just the right shade of red lipstick to bring with her so she could lather some on in front of Sean, then plant a big smooch on his cheek, leaving her mark.
• Luckily, Selma is next out of the limo and she’s thoughtful enough to pull a tissue out from her cleavage to wipe off the kiss mark on his cheek. Selma is pretty. She’s got a Marisa Tomei thing going on.
• Leslie H. is a poker dealer from Los Angeles. Kinda random and hopefully we’ll learn more about that later. She seems cute.
• Daniella came up with her own handshake and it was super awkward. I didn’t like it. Nor did I like her hair, which looked unkempt.
• Kelly is a cruise ship entertainer and she is really orange. Plus her hair looks fake. And she sings. And it’s bad. Also, she has two different colored eyes, and that is freaky but amazing.
• Katie, the yoga instructor is wearing a lovely, vibrant fuchsia dress but naturally isn’t wearing shoes. Naturally.
• Taryn is very pretty and she tells Sean she hasn’t watched the last few seasons so she and he will both be getting to know one another from scratch. That’s nice. Nice until Taryn realizes she’s on a competition show and can’t take the pressure on night one and ends up crying. First crier of the season, ladies and gents: Taryn. Write that down.
• Catherine is a sweet little graphic designer from Seattle. She seems nice and tells Sean he’s such a hunk, and she’s so right. He is. Not quite sure what it is about her — maybe that she hasn’t overloaded on makeup? — but she’s quite refreshing.
• Lacy brought a heart of lace for Sean to carry around and remember her.
• Paige is a jumbotron operator and that sounds awesome. She was on The Bachelor Pad III. Not awesome.
• Amanda is a fit model wearing a lovely black and white gown. She seems like a classy broad. Because it’s inevitable and we all know it, Amanda is smart and declares to Sean that they should purposefully have an awkward moment of silence in order to get it out of the way.  Even planned ones are heard to bear.
• Keriann — I don’t even know if I spelled her name right, that’s how much I remember about her. Sorry.
• Brooke is a community organizer. She looks like a jazz singer. Sassy. While Taryn is having a crying fit, Brooke consoles her and tells Taryn to go get some alone time with Sean. Then when Sean approaches them both to talk, Brooke leaves with him. Point: Brooke.
• Ashley H. is a fashion model and wears a light turquoise prom-ish dress.
• Lauren invites Sean home to her family’s Italian restaurant and delivers a mob warning from her dad: you break my daughter’s heart, i’ll break your legs.
• Lindsay, a substitute teacher gets out of the limo in a wedding dress and says “you may now kiss the bride” and gives Sean a kiss. Awkward. Then ends with “hopefully we’ll have our first dance inside…” Well, at least the girl can laugh at herself.
• Lastly, cutie pie Kacie B. from Ben’s season is Sean’s mystery woman and she’s looking just as polished and lovely as ever. Gosh, I adore her. Sean proclaims he’s very surprised to see Kacie and we learn that they’ve apparently hung out once before, which led Kacie to develop a bit of a crush. Looking forward to seeing where this goes!

Further into the cocktail party:

• Desiree gets some alone time with Sean and they have a sweet conversation about siblings, her wanting to be a fashion designer…and then he gives her a rose. Fantastic. She was one of my favorites.
• After three girls have received roses from Sean before any official ceremony, the other girls finally begin to catch on that they’re gonna need to talk to the guy in order to get one of their own. Make a beeline for The Bachelor, ladies!
• Best line of the night by far is from the drunk wedding dress wearing Lindsay who says “[blah blah blah]…but honestly: I wish I was more sober right now.” Then: “I wish I could do this over and maybe wear a normal dress and not try to kiss him.”
• Ashley Fifty Shades of Wasted starts dancing all over the house. She gets alone time again and pulls the tie out of her dress again with that sparkly evil look in her eye and a silly grin to match. Sean informs her that he brought a rape whistle. Wise choice.
• Sarah feels like she doesn’t deserve whatever anyone else gets when it comes to love, and is delightfully surprised when Sean gives her a rose.

After Sean passes out roses to almost half the crowd, there are only seven roses left to hand out at the rose ceremony.

Roses:

Amanda — teeth.
Leslie M. — DC lady.
Kacie — cutie pie.
Kristy — model.
Daniella — awkward handshake.
Taryn — the hot mess crier.
Lindsay — wedding dress disaster.

Going Home:
Lauren goes home to tell her daddy to put a hit on Sean, Paige the Bachelor Pad fan leaves totally defeated, Kelly the singer/cruise ship entertainer is embarrassed about singing her little song. I think she should be more embarrassed about how orange she looked on tv. But extra points for two different colored eyes. Ashley H. is disappointed and crying. Then later: dancing. Again.

Coming up this season: a castle made of ice, beaches, bikinis, boat rides, roller coasters, concerts, sunsets, mountains, plane rides, helicopter rides, rock climbing, boyfriends, cookies that taste like shit, catfights, roller derby, paramedics, crying, crying, and more crying. And, finally, an engagement!

What were your favorite moments of the night?
Any front runners so far?

P.S. I really did love some of the dresses in this episode and lucky for us, Possessionista has done a fabulous roundup of where we can find some of the styles the ladies wore on night one!  Check out her post here. Yay!