With 11 ladies left, there are three dates this week including a group date, a one-on-one date and the dreaded two-on-one date where someone gets sent home.  Good news is the ladies are headed off for some traveling adventures — first stop: Montana.  (we hear someone in the background exclaim “What?!” and I agree. Not as cool as somewhere exotic abroad.)  Here’s a recap of episode 5:

“I’ll make the best of it,” says Tierra the Tierrable as she swats at flies.  Welcome to Montana.

One-on-One Date:  Lindsay — “Let love soar.”

Lindsay is so excited to get the one-on-one date that she’s crying whilst all the other girls cry inside wondering if they’ll be sent home as the third wheel on the awkward two-on-one date.

Sean says Lindsay’s wedding dress stunt on the first night almost sent her home but now he’s excited to put her adventurous side to the test, starting with a helicopter ride.  They take off for a tour of Glacier National Park.  Let’s just hope she doesn’t get stranded on the glacier a la crazy “guard and protect your heart” Kasey from Ali’s season.  Sean says he really likes Lindsay because she’s not high maintenance and they exchange “I feel like I know you so well” compliments in between makeout sessions during their picnic.

Later on, things heat up with a cozy fireside and wine chat.  Lindsay talks about her dad being gone during the war when she was a teenager, which Sean believes explains why she wants to settle down and start a family so much.  And that’s his soft spot so they start making out.  Once they come up for air, Sean gives her the rose.

“I just want her to know how extremely special she is and you know, we come from two different backgrounds but at the same time we do share the same morals and I think we both want the same things.  More than that, I think we get along so well and it clicks so easily.  That’s just two personalities gelling together and that’s probably more exciting than anything else.” — Sean, about his relationship with Lindsay.

The final surprise Sean has for Lindsay is Sarah Darling (?) performing “Home to Me” and it looks as if the whole small town of Whitefish, Montana is there to watch them sway back and forth in attempt to dance.

Group Date: Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn, Daniella — “You make my heart race.”

Selma can’t kiss so she runs full on to jump in Sean’s arms to greet him.  There’s a whole lotta “ya’ll” in Sean’s vocabulary now that we’re in the country.  And as they approach goats, one of the girls wonders out loud: “are those dogs?” (My money is on Daniella).  Chris Harrison welcomes them to The Bachelor’s Montana Wilderness Relay: a canoe race, bucking hay, sawing through a 12″ log, and milking a goat (and drinking it!). The winning team moves onto the second part of the date and the losers go home with goat’s milk on their breath.

The red team: Selma, Desiree, Sarah and Robyn.
The blue team: AshLee, Leslie, Daniella and Catherine.

Lesley, determined to win, has a little pep talk with the goat about drinking its milk. And in a Dr. Doolittle moment, comes to an agreement with the goat: “He said he’ll make it chocolate for me.” Oh, Lesley.  You need more camera time!

Selma and Robyn are awful at canoeing. Just wretched.  But then the blue team breaks their hay bales in half. Oh, and the poor goats are just getting violated.  And finally, kudos to Desiree who chugged the milk that she just retrieved out of that poor goat. The blue team loses and the driver of their getaway van makes them stay just long enough to see the red team’s champagne toast with Sean.  Ouch.

In the second half of their date night, the intimate group heads to a bar whilst Chris Harrison greets the losing blue team back at their hotel.  He surprises the blue team with a date card from Sean that reads “Sending you home didn’t feel good. Please join me at the party tonight.” Redeemed, the girls are probably thinking they shouldn’t have been pity drinking so hard back at the hotel in their pj’s, but they suit up and get ready. Sean breaks the news to the red team and Desiree, the goat milk guzzler, is livid. And rightly so. She should at least get a rose.  That stuff wasn’t pasteurized.

By the looks of it, Tierra’s been writing an 18-page scornful letter, front and back, and she’s determined to go find Sean and give him a piece of her pissed off mind. Not even thinking enough to put on a sweater, Tierra, marches herself right into that bar.  Cuh-razy!  She questions Sean for giving her a two-on-one date and all but tells him to send Jackie home.

Desiree gets some alone time with Sean and is sure to let him know how disappointed she is because of how much effort she put into the race to get quality time with him, only to have it squandered.  Further evidenced when AshLee promptly interrupts that alone time.  Point well made, Desiree.  Sad thing is that he probably thinks she’s being whiny, but she was being totally honest.  But honesty doesn’t win anything, especially not the makeout session that AshLee and Sean are having while Desiree’s in the other room pouting.

“Catherine is someone that all I wanna do is, like, snuggle with her…I enjoy being affectionate towards her and just being with her and showing her how much I care about her. I just love being with Catherine.” — Sean, on his relationship with Catherine.  By gosh, she’s just darling. And all smiley and giddy.

Daniella is emotional and upset when she walks outside to find Catherine sitting on Sean’s lap.  Desiree is definitely the best one in the house because she’s already got the camera angles figured out enough to know how to block Daniella’s ugly crying from view.  Now that’s a girl you wanna be friends with.  Desiree for next Bachelorette, anyone?!  Anyhoo…now that Sean’s back from gallivanting with Catherine, he takes Daniella away to go talk it out and make-it-out on a coach somewhere to make her feel better.  When in doubt: make out.  Works. Every. Time.  Daniella gets the group date rose!  Robyn is Bitter Betty (and it’s probably gonna get her sent home).

One-on-One Date: Tierra & Jackie — “Love is a wild ride.” (Two women, one rose, one stays, one goes.)

Sweet, pretty Jackie thinks that Sean will see Tierra’s devil side.  Oh, you.  That’s precious. It seems she’s going to play the friend card in attempt to warn Sean about Tierra’s tierra-ble side.  Apparently Tierra was flirting with a cute guy at the airport, which she tells him because she’s absolutely sure that he’d want to know. Ugh, this never works! Ladies and gents, if you ever go on this show remember: the one who tattles always gets sent home. Always!  Write that down.

Sean seems like he doesn’t know about Jackie yet and Tierra’s a safe bet that he just wants to feel up out a little more. Following an afternoon of horseback riding, the trio has a romantic, fireside dinner that’s inevitably super awkward.  Sean says if he could be somewhere else, he’d like to be there.  For the first time we hear Sean admit that Tierra’s probably full of drama.  Tierra gives the negative-is-a-positive interview answer to how she’s feeling: “I just have the biggest heart” which equates to “I care too much.”  She opens up to Sean about being scared to open up because she is scared of losing someone again — basically she’s just scared. She tells the story of how she lost her best friend who passed away, a guy she knew for 13 years, dated and stood by as he was in and out of rehab.  It apparently is this sob story that leads Sean to find some redeeming qualities in Tierra, enough to keep her around and give her the rose.

As she exits, Jackie warns Sean to be careful with his heart.  Why does this tattling person every season say things that are so vague?  Why not give explicit examples and documentation?  Write this stuff down, people!  Give him a list. There’s gotta be a better way.

After Jackie exits, Sean and Tierra have a little picnic to watch some private fireworks whilst the rest of the girls at the hotel look on in awe. Cue crazy Tierra the Tierrable laugh.

Cocktail Party:

• Desiree gets more reassurance from Sean but it gets a little rocky when Desiree calls Sean unpredictable and Sean defensively asks if she’s talking about Tierra.  They seem able to get past it but there’s some lingering confusion.
• Tierra is bored and wants to spice things up.  “I honestly wish I was a fighter. I honestly do. Because I would beat the s*&! out of these bitches.” — Tierra the Tierrable.
• In response, Robyn says “I am so sick of her. I’m gonna take this to Bad Girl’s Club.” Robyn approaches her with a backup posse of Lesley and Catherine to call Tierra out on her two-sided BS — she won’t talk to anyone in the house but then the cameras turn on or Sean shows up and she lights up and puts on her show.  Tierra’s retort is that she’s over it all and if she really wanted to get engaged, she could easily go get engaged with any of the plenty of guys in the world.
• Desiree appropriately notes that Tierra needs a Xanax and to be sent home.  Sean is still clueless but he happens to walk by in the middle of Tierra’s furious rant.  He pulls Tierra aside so she can tell him that she’s being attacked by every single girl in the house. And she’s a no-drama person. And she can only handle so much.  Sean might be catching on a bit and questions when Tierra proclaims:  “I am such a nice girl and no one gives me credit here.”
• Sean pulls Lesley aside and asks her flat out if he needs to know anything about Tierra, with specifics.  Lesley is trying to act classy about this but she’s still vague so Sean isn’t much the wiser. All he knows is that Tierra’s not that nice. Apparently.

Roses:

• Lindsay
• Daniella
• Tierra the Tierrable
• Celibate Selma
• Catherine
• Lesley
• AshLee
• Sarah
• Desiree

Going Home:  Jackie and Robyn.

Coming up tomorrow night: a polar bear plunge and someone’s not breathing.  Tierra the Tierrable.  Probably just a set up so she can say “you took my breath away.”   It gets ugly. But it is a good show, I’ll give her that.

Coming up this season: bears, Canadian Rockies, waterfalls, ice castles, bikinis, lots of crying, monkeys!, elephants, lanterns, declarations of love,  lots of making out, and a Dear Sean letter on proposal day.

What were your favorite moments of the night?