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The Bachelor Recap episode 8, season 15

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In New York Brad has the following nuggets to share about the four women left:

“Chantal is unlike all the other girls. I don’t hold back a single bit with her. I see a very real life with her. In a lot of ways I do want her to be my wife. She’s emotional. What I can’t deal with is an emotional roller coaster.”

“Ashley…the very first night I spent with her I knew there was something there. So outgoing, energetic, and bubbly. She has what any guy would want.  Ashley has second guessed things. Instead of moving forward we have to keep reassuring each other. We need to move forward.”

“I know Shawntel is wife material. We just have this unsaid connection. No roller coaster, no games, no drama. I like where I’m at with Shawntel.”

“And then there’s Emily. There is so much love that Emily has for her ex, and rightly so, but it sets the bar very high for anyone else to come in. I’m gonna try. There’s something very real between Emily and I. She’s what I want in a wife – she just is. I’m falling so hard for Emily. How can I propose to a woman if I haven’t met her daughter?”

His overall view: “My feelings are so much deeper. One of these women is going to be my wife.”

It was a bit piecey this week so here are the highlights of Brad’s hometown time with each of the women…

Seattle for Chantal O.

  • After they run to each other across the grass Brad says he missed her.
  • Chantal lives four streets away from her parents. She lives by herself with cats and dogs.
  • Brad is up front about living in Austin but tells Chantal that he’d be happy visiting Seattle a lot. She seems absolutely fine with it.
  • A cute little teddy bear of a pup named Boca greets them at the door.  Boca loves Brad. Chantal says it’s a whole package – she and all the animals are a package deal so Brad might need a big house. Brad says he lives in a small loft. And there’s definitely not enough closet space. Chantal says they’ll have to find another place and he doesn’t disagree.
  • They were lucky to get a blue sky sunny day in Seattle – no wonder Brad likes it so much.
  • The pull up to a HUGE house. Brad says that walking into this VERY large, nice home is intimidating.
  • Brad tells Chantal’s family about getting slapped the first time they met. Mom is mortified, Dad is is beaming with pride.
  • Chantal tells her dad that she “just knew” when she saw Brad – just like her dad did with her mom. Then she lets Dad know she’s in love.
  • Dad takes Brad outside for a little one-on-one time and they come across a statue of a man carving himself out of a rock.  Dad explains that the statue is symbolic of a self-made man. Dad and Brad bond over their masonry family backgrounds, growing up with no money, and not having good relationships with their fathers. Brad affirms that he will make sure he is a damn good father. Dad believes him.
  • Brad tells Chantal’s dad that his intentions are true. Dad gives Brad his blessing on their possible marriage and says he’d be proud to have him as a son-in-law.  
  • Brad says he sees why Chantal is so amazing now that he’s met her family.
  • Brad’s expectations are exceeded and he sees a future with her.

Madawaska, Maine for Ashley, the artist dentist

  • They’re at the restaurant she worked at as a bartender in high school.
  • They’re close to Canadian border so she tells Brad that they speak French and when the waitress comes over speaking French Brad answers “Si”….as in Spanish. Haha. What a winner.
  • When he opens up for the Putzin french fry covered in cheese and gravy she says “did you like it? And i saw your crown!” – totally awkward but he makes it funny when he says “Spoken like a true dentist!”
  • They pick up Maine lobster for dinner and grab veggies from an unmanned fruit stand that operates on the honor system – pay in the box and take what you will.
  • Brad says the small town feel is giving him an idea of what her life was like growing up.
  • Ashley is so excited, feeling very reassured and confident around her family.
  • Her family really likes them together. Her dad seems to like Brad a lot and he is wondering if he’ll be supportive of Ashley’s career ambition. Now Brad is wondering if he’ll be holding her back. Would she be scared of a proposal? Kids?
  • Ashley is feeling that the timing is really right. She’s starting to feel like things are meant to be. Meanwhile Brad is thinking he needs to talk to Ashley about her ambitions to determine how she’d feel about a proposal – would it scare her?
  • I am thinking it is so ridiculous that he’s thinking about proposing and doesn’t even know her stance on marriage, kids, and careers.
  • Brad says he doesn’t want to leave their house, the town, or Ashley.
  • We don’t see Brad ask dad’s permission for her hand, but it could have happened – producers are sneaky like that.

Chico, CA for Shawntel N.

  • Brad looks terrified entering the mortuary and confesses that he’s never even thought of death.
  • Shawntel shows him the crypts, crematory, and the embalming room.  Creepy!
  • Brad is realizing (probably as he lays on the prep table) that if they get married, a lot of their conversations will be centered around death and he doesn’t know if he can handle that.
  • She explains the embalming process, draining blood and injecting fluids in the body.  I’m pretty sure that killed (ha!) any of the romantic thoughts he had about her.  
  • Brad says he doesn’t handle death well. He doesn’t handle saying goodbye to people well. (foreshadowing a goodbye to Shawntel soon, perhaps?!) Brad says he’d cry with the families. I believe him.
  • Shawntel explains how much love she sees in her line of work, even though it’s in saying goodbye and Brad respects her for her compassion. I just don’t think he wants to come home to a woman that smells like embalming fluid every day.
  • Shawntel may be a hot mortician but her dad looks exactly like you’d expect a funeral director to look. Dad explains with pride that Shawntel is gearing up to take over his business. Uh…now it’s a little awkward but she explains to her parents that Brad lives in Austin and she is falling in love with him, which may mean she will move to Austin.
  • She talks to her dad and he explains that shes already established herself as a caretaker in their community, in fact missing an opportunity to take care of the services of her high school teacher’s son who was tragically killed while she was away on the show. Her dad is disappointed and upset at the idea of her moving to Austin and ruining his succession plan. Mumbles thinks he should have had a better succession plan than just having kids. Or maybe he should have had some ugly, socially awkward kids to ensure they wouldn’t get married and move away.
  • Shawntel says she is praying that everything works out for the best.  
  • Dad gives his blessing on their marriage, if that’s what’s in the cards.  
  • Shawntel says she needed him to meet the other part of her – her family – and then says that she isn’t just falling in love, she is in love with him.

Charlotte, North Carolina for Emily

  • Emily has a happy reunion with her daughter, Ricki.
  • Emily tells her daughter that she met new friends while she was away and one of them is a guy who has come to Charlotte just to meet her.  It doesn’t look like the daughter is too excited.
  • Emily has never introduced Ricki to anyone and she says that if Ricki doesn’t mesh with Brad then it would be like her not meshing Brad.
  • Emily has never introduced her daughter to someone she’s dated.
  • I think it is so darling that Emily calls Brad “Mr. Brad”
  • Ricki is being really really shy. She is not even looking at brad let alone answering any of his questions.
  • The first time Ricki laughs Brad’s heart melts and the awkwardness disappears. Brad is thrilled that he’s still in the running with Emily now that her daughter isn’t going to scream or run away.
  • Brad says he would welcome and cherish the opportunity to be a father figure for Ricki. Emily says she would be happy to have Brad in Her daughter’s life.
  • Hello, gorgeous house!
  • Emily says it feels really good just sitting around the house playing board games. Brad says he feels like he’s in the right place.
  • Emily is oh cloud nine and she’s been waiting on brad to kiss her all day, and therefore is extremely disappointed when Brad says that he respects her enough to not kiss her while her daughter sleeps upstairs. Emily understands that he’s being sweet and chivalrous but it’s hard for her not to get disappointed. She wanted some sugar.
  • Emily smirks and says “Brad Womack is not getting out my front door without kissing me. That’s for damn sure.”
  • Brad revels in how much he enjoys kissing Emily.
  • “This is definitely is the happiest I’ve been in a really long time. I’m definitely ready for brad to change my life forever.” -Emily

Chris Harrison points out that Ashley’s family is maybe the one he felt most comfortable with but Ashley is the only one who didn’t profess her love for him this week.  (Did Emily?) Brad said he’s basing the decision on who to give a rose to on his feelings, not theirs.

Rose ceremony

  • Ashley, the ambitious artist dentist
  • Emily, Single Mom Southern Belle Barbie
  • Chantal O., the Shannen Doherty Doppleganger who for some reason is looking really big during this rose ceremony. Not a flattering dress at all – seriously, what’s the deal? She’s not a big girl. Maybe it’s the camera angle…(“how many cameras are on you?” – Chandler Bing)

Brad really isn’t ready to face death (and especially not being married to someone who lives it every day).  He explains he just didn’t feel the way a guy should when a woman says “I love you.” Shawntel N. doesn’t seem too distraught but she is appropriately disappointed, feeling sad to be losing the first guy that she feels was very perfect. She is super cute and classy even while crying. Shawntel says she’s never been treated like Brad treated her and maybe she’ll find someone like him that treats her like a princess. I hope so. Maybe they’ll make her the next Bachelorette – that would be entertaining and quite likely to attract even more interesting suitors. Haha.

Next stop: South Africa
Stars, sunsets, helicopters, safaris, elephants, and the fantasy suite (x3)

P.S. After the preview of next week’s episode Mumbles is offended that Brad would even ask Emily the Angel to stay in the fantasy suite with him. Repulsed. He’d like to have words with Brad about how out of his league she is. I think this is evidence she would be a great Bachelorette candidate for next season, going against my anti-recycling campaign (only as it pertains to Bachelor/Bachelorette participants). America loves Emily. My husband is proof.

Who’s your pick to win it? Think there’s a proposal coming?  Do you think they’ll use a girl from this season for the next Bachelorette?

The Bachelor Recap episode 7, season 15

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This week I’m a lucky lady to be spending Valentine’s Day with my two favorite people: Mumbles and my BFOTB to watch this week’s episode where the ladies and Brad find themselves in the turquoise, clear water, white sand oasis of Anguilla in the Caribbean. There will be three one-on-one dates with no roses required to stay, and one group date.  Two ladies are going home this week.   

One-on-One Date: “Three things I would bring on a deserted island: picnic, champagne and Emily”

Brad says he doesn’t feel like he deserves to be with Emily so he gets nervous around her.  To take his mind off the nervous of screwing it up with the prettiest girl ever, he blurts out “What do you want to do today?”  And cue the helicopter.  If Emily would have answered “I want to fly somewhere in a helicopter” I’m pretty sure Brad would have proposed right then and there.

Brad takes Emily to Sandy Island in Anguilla – a private island that looks a lot like a phallus from the aerial view.  All alone on this island and they’re still very tense and awkward.  Brad confesses that he gets very nervous around Emily and doesn’t help much on her end either. Brad tries to have a really sincere moment and he tells her that he cares about her more than she knows and “probably more than he should be saying at this point” and they have a nice kiss.  Emily says that she wants to bring Brad home but she still isn’t sure if she wants Brad to meet her daughter yet.  Not a good outlook, Mr. Bachelor.

Brad quizzes Emily about whether he will be allowed to meet Ricki on the hometown dates.  She says she’s nervous about letting her meet anyone. Brad has linked her acceptance of him with meeting her daughter. Brad breaks the Bachelor rules and tells Emily that he’s giving her a rose; he’s going to her home town. He’s such a rebel…a rebel in manpri’s.  Is this the first woman in the history of the Bachelor where the parent is really actually protective of her child? I don’t recall this much drama before – another reason to like Emily.

Second one-on-one date is with Shawntel N. Brad takes her on her ideal date and he doesn’t even know it: the farmer’s market.  A sage Anguillan lady tells them how to be in love and says they’re a cute couple.  Shawntel tells Brad she’s falling in love with him but all he can think about is Emily. She starts asking him about his family and Brad admits that he doesn’t have a relationship with his dad. This is BIG because he can’t talk about these things with anyone (aside from his shrink).  When it starts to rain the magic hits and they both go in for the kiss. But this date gets better because they are about be serenaded with a private show by the Bankie Banx, who, according to Brad (aka the producers), is the biggest reggae band in the Caribbean.  I can’t remember what the date card actually said but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it said something like “Let’s bank on love.”  (was I close?!?)  They also brought in a group of party-goers so when Brad and Shawntel were tired of the crowd they snuck away to frolic in the water, where we get full view of Shawntel’s enormous tramp stamp.

Third one-on-one date: Britt – “Let’s sail on the sea of love. “

Brad says that tonight really is make or break for Britt since they are so behind the other relationships he’s formed, which is completely his fault due to the fact that she hasn’t had one-on-one time with him. 

Brad starts their date by telling Britt how special she is:  “I’ve picked up women in helicopters, convertibles, and a boat…but never in a yacht.”  Then it’s made very clear that Brad doesn’t own the yacht, as they are required to swim out to the yacht to board.  Haha.

Michelle says she doesn’t see Brad and Britt getting married. In fact, she can hardly see Brad friending her on Facebook.  Oh, Michelle, don’t you know as your comments become less crazy and entertaining, your odds of getting a rose also diminish?  Step it up a bit, will ya?

Little Bay in Anguilla is so gorgeous.  Britt confesses that she is willing to “jump right in” but she’s terrified.  She also says that terrified is pretty much her go to feeling when it comes to this show. I can relate: mine is anxiety. Ashley and I understand why she’s a little tentative about jumping off a cliff…for Brad.  We’d hesitate too.  (But hey, we also took turns quoting Forgetting Sarah Marshall “Peter, I can see your hoo-ha!”) 

Brad explains that they’re sitting on the beach having a great conversation, asking all the right questions in the most romantic place in the world but he isn’t getting the urge to just grab her and kiss her.  I can give him that. Britt does seem to be putting out a bit of a little sister vibe. I also note that she looks a little Elvish.  Nothing wrong with that but would Brad know and appreciate a woman with Elvish good looks? I think not.  In what little air time she gets, Britt makes some pretty funny comments and I feel like we could be friends in real life, which means she’s probably not Bachelor material.  (Heidi, you can fall in love on The Bachelor and we’ll still be friends or you can just be really pretty and fun and entertaining – totally your call).

After a few awkward small talk comments over dinner Brad says that there is no romance. She’s a sweet woman, but it’s just not there.  Brad starts his breakup talk but he’s really not good at these.  He doesn’t have a rose to not give to her but he tells her that he doesn’t see a future with her.  She tries to talk rationally (sorry, Britt, I think you forgot you’re on The Bachelor) about taking more time to get to know each other but Brad pulls his best defense: during his last season he was crucified for stringing girls along.  At least Brad has the decency to arrange a boat to pick her up so she didn’t have to swim to the shore.

Britt walks back up to the house and the girls are so happy to see her and ask her about her date…and she has to fight back tears to tell the girls that she’s going home. 

Group date: Ashley, Chantal, Michelle – “This is the dawn of a new love”

Brad wakes up the girls in the middle of the night to tell them they are starting their date early.  Brad says that they’re going to be doing something that millions of women dream of doing…they are going to be in a photoshoot for Sports Illustrated, which just so coincidentally happens to hit newsstands on February 15 – tomorrow.

Chantal is all Debbie Downer “I’m a fatty” and don’t want to be photographed today.  Ashley puts some conch shells over her boobs and the other girls are pissed with envy.  Chantal is not feeling confident and sexy but decides to take her top off anyway.  Brad is looking at the girls with clothes on instead of the ones that are taking their tops off.   Huh? Michelle got ambitious because she didn’t want to take her top off so instead she crawled on top of Brad, really getting the other girls jealous and angry as they now realize they probably didn’t have to go topless for a national magazine and instead could have just had a steamy makeout session with the guy they like.  Oops.

(P.S. What is Ashley drinking that’s bright green?  Scooby Snacks?)  Ashley tells Brad that she feels like the kid sister or the friend.  Brad acknowledges that he hurt her and put her in a bad position.  Now he has to go apologize to Chantal.  Brad asks if her feelings have changed and Chantal says that she is still in love with him and she’d be stupid to ignore it.

Brad tells Michelle he sees a very strong, almost volatile woman and that they might be just a little bit too alike.  Michelle acknowledges her stubbornness and that it is true that they are alike.  Not great quality alone time together.

Chantal pulls Brad aside for more alone time together to ask if everything is okay.  Brad says he’s having a hard time showing emotion because he’s trying to respect everyone’s feelings by not showing any emotion.  Oh, so now I get it! This whole season he’s been boring because he’s trying to respect everyone!  Got it. What a gentleman!

Ashley says she is scared that she screwed up with Brad because she’s retracted in her fear of getting sent home.  Ashley gets needy and desperate and begs “please don’t send me home.”  Brad had to walk all the way back to the cabana to grab the rose right out from under Chantal and Michelle and the moment he turns on his heel the tears have appeared in Chantal’s eyes.  Lots more tears and then Chantal tells Brad that “if you can’t choose me over two other girls then you should just send me home now.”  And I think someone should tell her to watch her words because he did just choose another girl over her. She ends their date all pouty and teary, hoping to push Brad away just enough so that he’d pull her in closer. Not sure that worked, buttercup, but good luck.

Brad and Chris Harrison sit down and Brad says he doesn’t feel that he needs a cocktail party tonight – he made his decision earlier today.  Chris asks if someone might be able to change his mind and Brad says no.  I really would have banked on Ashley but now that she has the rose it seems like it could be Chantal but then again Ashley had a full on emotional pity party too and Brad rewarded her with a rose. So that leaves us with Michelle, which also seems fitting.  He got to enjoy some passionate moments and now he’s done because her craziness is not as entertaining anymore.  

Brad is 100% confident that he’s making the decision. So here it is for hometown dates next week:

Roses:
Ashley, the artist dentist
Emily, Southern Belle Barbie
Shawntel N., the funeral director
(and drumroll as it’s down to the two enemies: Chantal and Michelle. And insert totally pointless cut in from Chris: “Ladies, Brad, this is the last rose of the night.”  Thank you, Captain Obvious!)
…Chantal O. 

After much ado and drama, Michelle has fulfilled her crazy contract and is going home.  Brad asks to walk Michelle out and as they walk he says “can I have your hand or absolutely not?” and she curtly replies “um, probably not.”  Haha.  Then Brad asks if she wants him to talk and she says “no” so we don’t get to hear that awkward conversation.  Brad explains that he had an intense physical connection to Michelle but he realized that would wear off and they would become extremely volatile because they butt heads so much.  Smart man, I guess.  In the limo, I think the producers were very sorely disappointed not to get a big dramatic cry and cuss fest out of Michelle.  Instead, she simply laid her head down on the seat and looked sad.  Kudos to you, lady.

Today’s beverage of the episode: Rockbrook Chardonnay, 2008.  Delicious for cooking veggies and for sipping. 

Next week: home hunting, cremations, and mother-daughter reunions. 

P.S. After today’s bikini-clad, beach bunny episode our dear friend Melanie sent in a fabulous tip for our good friend Heidi: Heidi, when you send in your application make sure to list that you were a lifeguard, look great in a bikini, tan easily, and dive into water as elegantly as an Olympian (minus the broad shoulders).  You’re a shoe in.

The Bachelor Recap episode 6, season 15

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

Well hello there.  Let’s get right to it and helicopter on in to Costa Rica. Ashley H, the artist dentist is ready to get down and dirty in Costa Rica. They arrive at Springs Resort & Spa in Costa Rica to see its gorgeous grounds and a sweeping panoramic view of a volcano in the distance.  In the foreground is Brad, also looking like he’s ready to explode with [insert any boring emotion you can think of].  The girls say he’s ready to let loose and I completely disagree…he is so rigid and forced.  In the voice of the great Chandler Bing: Could he be any less excited?

One-on-One Date: “Close your eyes, hold on tight, love is in the air tonight” -Chantal O.
“All I can do is be patient and hope Chantal gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes.” – Michelle, the crazy

Chantal is concerned that this date means Brad is second guessing her because she let out a bit of her jealous crazy side last week.  Someone should tell her Brad likes crazy and jealous [see every reference to Michelle in this blog].

Surprise! More helicopter transportation.  For their date, Brad and Chantal will be taking on the longest zip line in the world, six hundred feet off the ground.  Brad says they’ll be taking their relationship to new heights.  Oh, brother.  And just as they get ready to take the plunge, the rain arrives.

“The rain comes your way and you make the most of it. That’s what you do in a relationship.” -Chantal O. being profound, comparing the weather raining on her zip-line parade to her relationship with Brad.  Very ominously we see Chantal spot a monkey in a tree nearby and for a split second I think Michelle might get her wish, but alas, it just led to more kissing.  Sorry, Michelle.

Now for a picnic dinner by the river with fresh coconut. I’m uber jealous.  Especially because the coconut is all cut in half and perfect. No need for your husband to drill holes with a power drill and crack it open with a hammer.  Oh, that’s not how you do it? Hmm…I’ll have to talk to Mumbles about that.  Chantal says she’s feeling things tonight that she’s dreamed of feeling but has never felt…ever.  Next thing you know, it’s pouring down rain on her dinner parade.  This girl can’t catch a break.  Maybe it’s foreshadowing…every time she thinks it’s going well the rain comes…nah, this show’s not that deep. So, Chantal and Brad ditch the cute picnic dinner to find cover and head straight to the hotel room (don’t mind if I do, right?!) 

“It makes me happy to think that the rain has completely ruined their one-on-one date. There’s a chance it could be the worst date Brad’s been on [Michelle also said this about Shawntel N.’s date, which turned out to be a shopping spree in Vegas] but I just…it’s hard to know; I’m not there.” -Michelle, the crazy.

Back in the hotel room Brad gives Chantal a Risky Business-esque white shirt to get comfy in. Chantal says she likes this casual, on-the-fly date. Brad says he thinks it’s their best date yet, then brings up her crazy mind games last week and her only defense is to say that she was just in a bad place. 

“I feel so good with you. I want more of it. Every day.  Forever.” – Chantal says then embarrassed, with a childish laugh, followed by a passionate kiss.
“This could happen every night.” -Brad
“I want it to.” – Chantal
Which earns Chantal the rose.   

Brad is confident that Chantal isn’t overly dramatic now.  He says “it just works” with her.  Chantal confesses that she fell in love with Brad tonight.

Group Date: “Love springs eternal” – Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel N., and Britt

Now Britt is the only girl left that hasn’t had a one-on-one date.  And, in case you weren’t already aware, Michelle hates group dates.  Here’s another thing to add to the list of things she hates: rain and cold.  And that Chantal came home in Brad’s shirt after her date last night.  Man, what a good ploy!  [Heidi, when you become a contestant on The Bachelor, be sure to bring a stash of men’s dress shirts and pack one in your purse each date so you can come home wearing it and make all the girls crazy and jealous!  Write that down.]

True: there’s nothing sexy about a harness and a helmet.
They will all be repelling down the waterfall to prove to Brad that they’re adventurous. Most of the girls are freaked.  The girls are comforted by how encouraging he his, proving that he’ll be a good husband and father.  I think it proves that his expensive therapy sessions are giving him good one-liners to use.

Here are the highlights from the group date:

  • Jackie is deathly afraid of heights. She doesn’t like ferris wheels.
  • “Jackie may have soiled herself.” – Britt. haha.  I’m sad because I think she may be going home and that was funny.  This show needs all the funny it can get.
  • Michelle is pissed that Brad broke the vow he made to her on their one-on-one date. Brad acknowledges that he made a pact with Michelle, Michelle throws a few punches at Brad to give him a hard time, and then she jumps around giddily once he tells her that they will be repelling down together, thus not breaking his vow. Now Brad is worried about not spending time with the other girls and the fallout it will cause later in the evening. 
  • Soaking in the natural hot springs Michelle eloquently shares that “Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you like want to go home and [insert sexual expletive of your choice].”
  • Brad pulls Jackie away and takes her into a little nook of the hot springs pool and she calls him out on not going down the waterfall with her since she was the one that needed his consoling. 
  • Brad complains about how hard it is to keep all the women happy.  And he thinks he’s ready for marriage, huh?
  • As if we didn’t believe her before, Michelle says she is seriously starting to get bugged by the other girls.  She even calls out Alli and she’s not even on this date.
  • Emily warns Brad that she usually does things in relationships to sabotage them.  Then she jumps in the water and comes back up with black raccoon eyes.  Sabotage?  No.  But definitely not her best look. 
  • We get a close up view of Brad’s HUGE back tattoo and suddenly Emily’s makeup doesn’t matter so much.

Alli is very scared of bugs. Not just any bugs. But bugs in particular that make a crunch sound when you [hypothetically] step on them.  Chantal picks up a beetle in their hotel room with a piece of paper and taunts Alli with it until she screams bloody murder.  Cut to Brad with a very fake concerned look on his face as you hear the screaming in the background.  Now, this is funny television.

Michelle tells Brad that she didn’t think Chantal was coming home last night and she’s pissed about it. Brad seems a little pissed too and he seems to be [finally] getting sick of Michelle’s crap.  When she realizes her crazy gabbing isn’t working she just puts on the sexy eyes and goes in for the kiss.  Brad is frustrated but he still likes to kiss.

According to Brad the roses now mean more to him than ever.  Tonight, he’s not giving the rose to anyone.  Brad explains that he’s “…not just giving this rose to the woman who jumped first or the woman who overcame fears.”  

One-on-One Date: “Meet me at the altar” – Alli
Chantal tries to pull the whole “how do you feel about your date card not having the word ‘love'” bit again but Alli doesn’t bite quickly pointing out that she prefers the reference to marriage. Alli – 1  Chantal – 0

Brad slowly strolls up on horseback to pick up Alli.  He doesn’t look at all natural riding the horse but I’m happy it’s a refreshing change from the usual helicopter. What is up with the tiny little horse babies following them around?!?  How cute is that?!

They’ll be going into a 40 million year-old cave and Alli is terrified of all the poisonous jungle bugs awaiting her inside.  If it wasn’t already obvious that the girls are lined up on dates that align with the fears indicated on their application forms, it’s now fact.  [Heidi, write something silly as your biggest fear and practice making your phobia seem intense and sincere.  Something like karaoke. You’d be so good at pretending to have stage fright and then overcoming your fear!  You’d be like a pool shark but with a microphone instead of a pool cue!] 

“Look at that spider!”…ugh. I hate spiders. Bats, though, come on, bats are cute! Okay, they do make weird hissing/screech noises.  After their dark, long wet hike with all the bugs, they arrive at the altar, natural stairs in the rock where Brad has a little camp picnic laid out.  I wonder what poor production assistant had to climb through that cave first with all the picnic stuff to set that up.  Then later, they sit down for a nice romantic dinner that appears to be floating in the middle of a pool.  I’d be worried about scooting my chair back a little too far because this guy’s in intensive therapy so you never know when you might need to make a quick dash outta there. Girl’s gotta have an escape plan.  [Heidi, write that down.] 

Alli appears to be fighting her food with fork and knife then says, a little frustrated, “What is this, really?” To which Brad helpfully points out: “Chicken.”  Lady, you’re totally going home.  They’re making small talk and Brad is struggling.  Alli starts to list off countries to see if Brad’s never been there. This could go on a while.  Then more stimulating gems like this exchange:  
“Austin is a great city…”-Alli 
“It’s big” -Brad

Brad claims he can make conversation with just about anyone.  You stand corrected, sir.  

All the girls back at the room are placing bets that Alli isn’t coming home.  Brad tries to dig deeper into Alli’s relationship past and he asks about her last relationship, which she shares lasted for two years but as she imagined her wedding and walking down the aisle, she just couldn’t see her ex’s face.  She explains that it was really hard, she really tried to convince herself that there was something there because he was such a great guy…leaving a HUGE opening for Brad to pop in and say “I’m so glad you said that because that’s very much how I feel about you – I’m trying to picture this working and I just can’t see you holding a rose at the end of tonight…” which would have been awesome but he doesn’t say that. Here’s what actually happened: Brad leads into a vague monologue about finding his wife and knowing if not the first date, then very close to the first date, that there’s a very strong connection (which he hopes will lead to his letting her down gently, telling her that he doesn’t feel that strong instant connection like he’s already established with the other girls).  Instead, what really happens is she says “I absolutely agree!  And I want you to know that I feel just as comfortable around you as I think I’ve felt with anyone before…and I think I could hang out with you all day, every day.”  Brad starts into the “let’s be friends” speech and clarifies that he doesn’t think that constitutes falling in love and so he can’t give her the rose.  And that’s where it ends.  Friends it is.  And she thanks him for being honest, cries and gets embarrassed.    Back in the hotel room the girls are all shocked and awed that Alli’s bags are being taken away, which I don’t quite understand. 

Brad is now in his pensive alone time to process what he’s feeling [no doubt good advice for post rose rejection, a la the trusty therapist] when there’s a knock on the door.  “iHola!” and voila, there’s Michelle, the crazy.  Brad says it’s a nice surprise.  They exchange “I miss yous” then kiss for a bit.  Michelle really looks like she’s working out a strategy in those kisses.  She has her eyes on the rose and she asks how it went, full well knowing that Alli has been sent home.  Brad makes a little flub by saying “any others you want me to do?” haha. oops! busted!  Michelle tells Brad who it’s gonna be in the final four: herself, Chantal, Emily and Ashley.  Of course, she predicts herself to be the victor. 

Cocktail Party:

  • Brad shares that this has been really difficult for him.  Hmm…that therapist doesn’t travel?  No Skype?  Total fail.
  • Brad and Emily take some time away on the hammock.  Brad says he thinks about her a lot. He says he’s scared of her.  Emily regrets telling Brad that she sabotages things.  She tells Brad she cares about him a lot and that she feels vulnerable.  He tells her that he wants her to feel comfortable.  She says she needs his help, addressing his concerns before he could even bring them up. 
  • Chantal asks the group who gave Brad grief about not giving out the rose on the group date. 
  • Brad tells Michelle that he feels he’s taken 10 steps back with her and finally stands up to her confirming that he’s doing what’s best for him.  She tries to spin it back onto him that he asked for it.  Michelle gets a furrow in her brow and I can see the wheels churning in her manipulative mind …hmmm…crazy manipulation isn’t working so let’s try the tears and I’m genuine bit to see if that’ll work for a while…
  • Shawntel N. wants to confront Brad about who gave him grief about the rose but realizes that she’s here to fall in love, not play games with girls.  So instead, she decides to play games with the only boy here.  The Silent Game, which leads to making out.  Lots of making out.  And she should just be sassy and walk away but she screws it up by talking.  Shawntel reports back that someone confronted Brad after the group date and they all continue to discuss and Michelle confesses that she went to Brad’s and spent 30 minutes with him. 
  • Ashley the artist dentist says it best: “There are certain boundaries that I thought we had; it surprises me that we don’t.”
  • Chantal O. tells Brad that she wants to share something with him, especially tonight because she already has a rose and she wants him to know that she isn’t expecting anything in return.  Chantal tells Brad that she has fallen in love with Brad.  They kiss and he asks her if she could explain how she knows she’s in love and she gives a really great response, explaining that a change has occurred in her heart- she no longer thinks about how the experience is affecting her but is now concerned with how everything is affecting Brad.  Aw.

Rose Ceremony:
Chantal O., the first to fall in love
Ashley, the artist dentist
Emily, Southern Belle Barbie (also, did I share my revelation that she is totally Holly Madison’s doppleganger?!)
Britt, the wild card for the night…she gets absolutely no air time!
Shawntel N., the funeral director
Michelle, the crazy

Going home tonight is Jackie, the Wicked/Glee Singer.  Not too surprising.  Brad gives her a lovely goodbye speech and it’s all very classy.  I wish as these girls said goodbye they would say something super scandalous to the Bachelor to really screw with his mind and mix things up.  It’s never that fun.  [Heidi, let’s plan for a really awesome scandalous rumor for you to plant into the Bachelor’s mind just in case you get sent home because of all the awesome advice I’m giving you].

Next week: Anguilla
Hello, paradise! Blue water, boats, sunny skies, romantic walks on the beach, crying, kissing in the sand, hard questions (including a “can I meet your daughter?” and an “I don’t know” response), and, of course, roses.

P.S. To my friend Jessie – this one’s for you. I stayed up way past my bedtime. You’re welcome.

The Bachelor Recap episode 5, season 15

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

With 11 girls left we’re faced for the first time with the dreaded 2-on-1 date.  Normally every guy’s dream but in Bachelor world it means the exact opposite: somebody’s not coming home.  What else is not every guy’s dream? (well, maybe normal ones not in intensive therapy?)…bucketloads of tears.  But get ready for them anyway.

Now that trusty ol’ Chris has delivered the bad news about the 2-on-1 and warned that things are getting serious (he’s so behind – doesn’t he know things got serious in episode 4? Geez, someone get this guy a link to my blog!), here he is with the good: everyone pack your bags because they’re taking this show on the road to Vegas. (insert a collective “woo!” here)

Alli wants a one-on-one so she can sneak off to a wedding chapel to take the plunge. Michelle needs girls to go home because she needs more space for her luggage.  Headed for wedding bells or more baggage… I think that pretty clearly defines the two types of women that are still left.

I know they’re on a tight production schedule, but I’m just thinking to myself that putting Brad in a limo with all the girls (or half of them and switching at In-N-Out in Barstow or someplace) would have made for really interesting television.  But whatever. They fly to Vegas and hop in a limo to meet Brad at the Aria hotel in Vegas and then get shown to their super sweet suite.

One-on-one date: “Let’s end tonight with a bang” for Shawntel N.
(Kudos to whomever mumbled “well that’s a bit forward…” haha. Probably wins funniest moment of the night, which goes to show you how lame this episode was.)

She’s a Vegas Virgin in Sin City and Brad is taking her on a shopping spree. It’s every girl’s Pretty Woman fantasy – trading clothes, shoes and purses for hotel rooms and sex.  Oh, wait. This is sounding a bit familiar…hmmm. After maxing out the credit cards in all the designer stores Shawntel strolls back into the suite hunkered down with shopping bags at the exact moment one of the girls proclaims that “it could have been the worst date Brad’s been on.” Awkward.  Shawntel gloats about her shopping spree and shows off her new bag (which she later confesses was $5000). Woof. It was so hideous. It was a small little rectangle bag with sequin stripes and feathery bits.

Lisa says she waiting for diamonds to come out and the artist dentist replies “hopefully it’s not one big one” so Michelle turns her scarf into a noose because she’s so appalled by the idea. Everyone laughs; they only like Michelle when she’s pretending to kill herself.  I hope they hired that therapist to be on call for everyone. 

Shawntel comes down the stairs in her new dress, shoes and handbag looking like her date is picking her up for the prom. I’m disappointed when Brad arrives with no corsage. And then I feel bad because Britt’s in a robe hiding behind her glass of wine and the other girls are not looking so hot either. Aren’t they at least allowed to go out in Vegas if they’re not on the date?  I would.

During their rooftop dinner date Shawntel is nervous because she hasn’t yet shared that’s she’s a funeral director and embalmer. This is gonna get interesting. Brad makes the mistake of asking about it then quickly loses his appetite. He’s laughing so hard and now they’re talking about Peaches the cross-eyed cat. Weird, but maybe in a quirky kinda hot way?  Like Scully from the X-Files? To each his own.  

Brad says he really likes her and feels like a lucky man when he looks at her. And imagines her surrounded by dead bodies. Out of nowhere a pop happens and it’s the champagne bottle. It would have been awesome if he was like “well, there’s your big bang!” but alas, our Bachelor has no such wit. (Also, it could’ve saved a hundred grand, which sounds like a practical thing to do after that shopping spree) Soon after the real fireworks show starts and it’s all “oohs” and “ahhs,” except for the lonely girls back in the suite who are practically stop, drop and rolling because they can hardly get a glimpse of the fireworks but do get to feel the room shake because of them. Ah, how sad.

Group date: “Let’s go speed dating” – Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Britt, Michelle
They pull up to the Las Vegas Motor Speedway where the girls will be driving NASCAR cars around the track. Wow. Producers are jerks. Seriously, not classy and we know this is going to put Emily in a very awkward situation.

Crazy Michelle from The Bachelor Season 15

screen capture proof of Michelle's crazy eyes

“I think this will be an amazing experience because I’ve never done anything like this. Plus, I’m fun and hot. And you should see me in a race car.” (insert crazy eyes – see photo)

Brad notices that Emily is not quite herself so Brad pulls her aside to talk. Emily explains that her fiancé was a NASCAR driver and a crash at Las Vegas Speedway ended his driving career and then he moved into a car owner role before the plane crash.  Brad feels like a jerk. He tells Emily he really cares about her.
Emily is feeling down on herself because she doesn’t want to make a dramatic scene. 

“I swear, I usually am pretty fun I feel like.” -Emily

At the pool party all the girls are antsy and then upset when Brad pulls Emily aside again. Chantal defends Brad’s his honor telling the girls that she is more attracted to him because he cares enough to take Emily aside to make sure she’s okay. Alli is not having it.  She’s so upset.  I think it’s because she knows she’s going home. 

“Just because somebody comes in with the worst story means they get the most attention?” -Alli, bitter because she’s going home

Brad confesses to Emily that he’s not sure what he’s thinking because all he can think about is that Emily has already met the love of her life and she’s been single for 6 years. And she chimes in with “well you’ve been in love once” to which he replies “more than once” and the she smirks and totally delivers: “well, you’re a little older than me, my dear.” Haha. Nailed it! (p.s. she’s only 24) Brad says it’s a hard space to fill and Emily’s heart sinks knowing another one of her suitors is running for the hills.

Alli sits poolside with Brad and she immediately starts crying, in my book sealing the deal on her ticket home.

Chantal gets caught saying that she loves Brad even more because he does pull Emily aside to show he cares and make sure she is okay. He calls her out on it and she gets embarrassed and then starts crying because she really likes him and knows he has strong feelings for other girls.  Whoa, rollercoaster of emotions. Brad, ever the eloquent consoler says “don’t cry, baby.”  Is it just me or does it sound totally fake when he calls the girls by pet names like baby and honey?

Michelle pulls Brad out of an awkward situation facing all the girls upset about Emily’s attention to take him into a cabana to make out. He loves it. He loves crazy ladies that like to make out. Producers do too.

The group date rose goes to Emily and the girls groan when he pulls her away. Again.

The Dreaded Two-on-One date: “Come swing with the king…two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes” – Ashley the nanny & Ashley the artist dentist
The best friends in the house. Whoa, this is gonna get awkward. Michelle is nothing but excited. For their date they are not only competing for a rose, to be the last Ashley standing, but also for a role in the Cirque du Soleil show Viva Elvis. Aptly, to the song “Are You Lonesome Tonight?”

The nanny says she just wants to be the one for somebody. Pathetic. I don’t think she actually likes Brad. The artist dentist is sad because she thinks Brad is doubting his feelings for her. This show is not easy on the self esteem.  Seriously, where’s that therapist when you need him?

At an awkward third wheel dinner Brad tells each girl what he really likes about her. I think he chose the two Ashley’s for this date for no other reason than he didn’t want to have to worry about screwing up the name. Brad gives the rose to Ashley! Haha. (See what I did there? Arent you glad we make your life easy with nicknames? You’re welcome.) The artist dentist quickly accepts the rose in case Brad made a mistake. Say goodbye to the first impression rose winner, Ashley, the nanny. See, first impressions aren’t everything.

“It feels like someone punched me in the stomach. And the heart.” – the nanny

Once Brad gets back, he starts making out with the only Ashley left. Brad looks like such a goon in his stage costume with a shirt 10 times too small cutting off circulation in his bicep. (I can’t quite put my finger on which animated toy soldier he looks like – anyone have the answer? leave a comment)  “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” plays as the nanny’s tears and snot stream down her face in the limo taking her away and as Ashley and Brad don’t do much but twirl in the air during their performance.   

This week’s call to the therapist includes a stick to the mission pep talk, “more make yourself” vulnerable advice, and Brad boasting that he’s been kissing lotsa ladies. Brad learns strength and vulnerability can coexist and he is excited about the advice because if you’ll remember last episode he took his therapist’s advice and it got him lots of tongue action. Lesson learned: listen to therapist.

Cocktail party:

  • Brad talks to Chantal O. and he wants to get to the bottom of whether she’s emotional or dramatic.
  • Alli gets dessert and champagne because she complained that it’s hard to feel special with all the other women around. It means he likes the other girls more than you. I still think you’re going home.
  • Marissa gives Brad an envelope full of little notes, acknowledging that she doesn’t get to spend a lot of time with him and he thanks her for doing something so sweet. I think she’s going home too.
  • Michelle locks herself in a room with Brad, sits him down in a chair, sits on top of him, and tells him not to talk. Dominatrix style she kisses him in between giving him orders to send girls home.

Rose ceremony:
Shawntel, the funeral director/embalmer
Emily, Southern Belle Barbie
Ashley, the artist dentist
Michelle, the crazy
Alli (ugh, so disappointed – just prolonging the inevitable)
Britt
Jackie, the Wicked/Glee singer
Chantal O.

Going home:
Lisa M. – she is super cute and tries to play it cool but has to dash out of the place and then ends up crying enough tears to fill the hotel pool.
Marissa the sports publicist – Brad begs her to “try to understand” and she’s trying to understand why she left her awesome job and what she’s gonna do now.

Next week: Costa Rica
Beverage of the evening: Newcastle Brown Ale

I’ll be filling out an online casting nomination form for my friend Heidi to be a contestant woman looking for real love on the next Bachelor because she’s hilarious and beautiful and it would really give me the inside edge to have her on the show. haha. jk. (kind of) Actually, I am just a really giving person and I want to share her beauty and talent (I hear she’s in talks to reboot the Sound of Music) and hilariousness with the world.  If you, too, would like to nominate a friend, ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, current boyfriend/girlfriend, or family member, here’s the online nomination form.  If you have a fun story about who you’re nominating, please share!