Tag Archives: recaps

The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, season 15

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

It’s a pretty short recap this week because this particular episode is a compilation of clips and comments on the season from the skewed perspective of the scorned women sent home.

 We get previews of the new Bachelor Pad 2 and some crazy, drunken event that bring together past rejects from all seasons – an allspice of dysfunction, if you will.  They try to make it all about another opportunity to find love but we all know it’s just about putting pretty people in one house to create drama and competition (as in who can leave with the least amount of STDs).

The lovely ladies back for The Women Tell All are (gosh, it feels like it’s been ages since we’ve seen some of them):
Sarah
Lisa
Melissa
Alli
Britt
Marissa, the sports publicist
Raichel, the manscaper
Meghan, the man who ended up being quite funny
Stacey, the bartender
Ashley S., the nanny
Jackie, the Wicked/Glee singer
Ashley H., the artist dentist and last one to be let go
Michelle, the crazy
Madison, vampiress
Shawntel N., the funeral director 

After all the clips of the season the attention is on Michelle, the most notorious character of the season. Ashley, the artist dentist is playing the sweet hero to win America’s affection, coming to Michelle’s defense. (Perhaps setting up the audience to win their hearts before Chris Harrison announces her as the next Bachelorette? That would maybe explain the new sultry auburn locks, Ross Gellar white teeth, fierce red lips, and bronzed tan.) Madison also says she respects Michelle for coming in stating her intentions and telling the girls she didn’t want to be friends with them. That’s the last we hear from her all episode.  What a bummer.

 When it’s Michelle’s turn in the hot seat she is still teary eyed and stands by her story that a lot of the girls in the house knew what she was really like and were here friends. It seems like a case of producers picking their entertainment for the season. Kudos to them.  Jackie even goes as far as comparing Michelle to a spider. Ugh, I hate spiders.  I will agree with Chris Harrison on his point that Michelle’s commentary of the show was hilariously entertaining.  Seriously, folks, read the recaps.  She’s the best thing that happened to this season’s ratings. Once Michelle is gone it gets totally boring. I don’t know where it came from but after Michelle talks a lot about feeling guilty for leaving her daughter to come on the show Sarah and Stacey the girls totally blast here for being a bad mom. Chris Harrison comes to her defense telling the girls to back off as Michelle heaves sobs into her rose scented tissues. Just kidding, I made that part up. It would be a nice touch though, no?

Michelle says she thinks Brad needs someone like Emily.

Chris Harrison calls this “one of the most controversial seasons ever” and I beg to differ, sir.  Brad is maybe the most boring Bachelor ever.

The nanny steals the show for a minute with a dose of good advice for all the women on the stage, in the audience, and at home: don’t act like a fool/catty idiot/jealous psycho/mental patient in front of a man. She comes back out later in the hot seat to relive the humiliation of getting rejected. All she wants is to ask Brad how she could be better wife material and also if Chris Harrison has any single friends.  Ashley H, the artist dentist, again comes to the defense of her BFF to play America’s sweetheart.  

Ashley H, the artist dentist is having her moment talking about regret and all she’s learned by going through this. She says Brad primed her for what is yet to come. She admits that she was in love with Brad and jokes that when he comes out she’s gonna tell him she wants him back and she’s a changed woman.  Haha.

Brad comes out and immediately throws in a reference to his “significant other.”  Brad says he’ll defend Michelle until he’s blue in the face. He thought she was funny when he watched the season on television and knows she doesn’t have a malicious bone in her body.  
Ashley H. apologizes to Brad with very eloquent words, thanking him for their special time together and then runs across the stage to give him a hug.

Brad says he is truly happier than he’s ever been.  He says he was in love a long time ago and he falls more and more in love every day.  Chris makes his one funny but forced joke and says “it’s a good thing it worked out because we’re not inviting you back again.”

The best and funniest part of this whole season is the three minute bloopers clip at the end. Look it up on YouTube if you can.

Well, there was no announcement of who the next Bachelorette is going to be. What a bummer.  Maybe they’re holding out for Brad’s #2.  Let’s face it, up until this Women Tell All episode we all thought the artist dentist was super annoying. I would not have watched that season. Okay, I would have…but I wouldn’t have been happy about it.  A little bit like this season, I guess.  Ha!

So, let’s hear your thoughts on The Women Tell All: was Michelle really an innocent just trying to be funny?  Do you think the nanny is now in intensive therapy?  What’s the story on the “new” Ashley’s foxy new look? Why didn’t we get to talk to Shawntel or Madison the sexy creepy ladies?

And, finally, who are your picks for the next Bachelorette and who do you think will get Brad’s final rose??

The Bachelor Recap episode 9, season 15

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

This episode we’re in South Africa and I’ll just skip through the first 10 minutes of the show because essentially Brad just read my blog recap from last week aloud, minus the part about Shawntel the funeral director.

Chantal:
Chantal O. and Brad head off on a safari and Brad is excited about lions – it’s maybe the most excited he’s been all season.  They decide to have a romantic picnic by the river, which they are escorted to by a gun-wielding man.  Chantal says she feels safe with Brad. Nothing to do with the armed man standing behind the camera, I’m sure.

Brad says he misses Chantal’s family. We think he misses them more than he missed her. And maybe also the uber mansion.

Brad says he is definitely the most comfortable with Chantal, which could be good but could be bad. It’s new for him and he could just be trying out all these newfound emotions out on the one who puts him at ease. Chantal and Brad talk about what it would be like to get engaged and she says that getting engaged doesn’t mean ‘let’s see if it works out’ it means ‘we’re getting married.’  She means business.  But then again, she’s done this before.

Chantal is happy as a hippo in love and over eagerly accepts the invitation to the fantasy suite.  (Side note: does anyone else hate how the invitation comes from Chris Harrison so that The Bachelor doesn’t even have to work up the courage to ask the women to go back to the hotel room with him?  All he has to do is shove an envelope across the table.  I digress…) She says she’s done with dinner and they should hurry.  They are staying in a tree house.  BFOTB poignantly points out that animals know how to climb. No thank you. But Brad’s gonna see her Chantal O. face tonight, that’s for sure. (you’re welcome for that, courtesy of Mumbles)

Emily:
Brad and Emily have a short reunion before he says he forgot something. She is so darn cute. While she’s standing alone in the wild she says “I’m just thinking he had all gosh dang day to get ready for this date, what did he forget?!” and here comes brad gallantly on elephant back. It’s a good thing they are in South Africa otherwise it wouldn’t be as sexy…riding an elephant in America would probably include helmets and seat belts and all sorts of other protective gear. 

Brad keeps telling Emily how much he wishes Ricki was there with them. Brad tells Emily confidently that he’s thought about what it would mean to propose to her because she and Ricki are a package deal.  Emily is so smiley to hear all this and they have a steamy make out session.

Now it’s dinnertime and Brad is nervous, constantly reaching for the wine.  He’s sweating. Profusely. Emily confesses to the camera that shes falling in love with him but she keeps thinking about the other girls. At dinner she tells Brad she wishes it was over, that she could begin her life with him…or not and just move on, and she tells Brad she really wants to be with him and Ricki. Brad is grinning ear to ear.  He is so awkward giving her the fantasy suite card. Emily is pure class when she tells Brad she is a mom and wants to set a good example….but she’d be happy to go to the fantasy suite with him to talk and get to know each other better.  I like her style.

Emily knows she needs to tell Brad how she feels because she hasn’t yet and he needs to know it going into the final week.  Emily tells Brad that she is completely falling in love with him and Brad is quiet and relieved, then tells Emily that he is without a doubt falling in love with her. I think he just broke all The Bachelor rules by telling her how he feels but he justifies it by saying that he can’t listen to her say that to him without letting her know how he feels too.  Yay, for ending happy (not happy endings).

Ashley:
It’s quite apparent going into Ashley’s date that this is the last one for her. In fact, she runs away when she sees the helicopter brad has waiting for them.  We all know how much brad loves helicopters so for her to be this freaked out must be a huge turn off for him.

Brad and Ashley go for a picnic at a place called God’s Window. It’s absolutely gorgeous. They’re supposed to be having a romantic day but instead he asks about her ambition and career plans and it’s the first serious conversation they’ve had so far, which is a total mood killer. Brad seems put off by her ambition outside of being a wife who would move to Austin to be with him.  Brad says he was in the same place she is now, only 10 years ago.  It isn’t looking good, honey.

During dinner we’re distracted by all the gross bugs in their hair.  It seems like Brad is looking for ways to make Ashley say no. They keep having to go back to referencing their carnival date, which was week two. It’s not a good leg to stand on.  Brad breaks it down and points out again that they keep trying to reassure each other.  Ashley accuses him of defying their spark and connection in favor of a wife and an easy situation that just fits. Brad doesn’t know how to respond so they resort to complimenting the food. Ashley seems resolved to the fact that it’s not going well and probably won’t go much farther than the fantasy suite.  Which she accepts gladly.  In fact, with no doubt in her mind. Idiot.

It sounds like the animal kingdom is sounding in on their collective opinion, overpowering the blah blah blah of Brad stressing about the predicament he finds himself in again this week. 

Before the rose ceremony begins Brad pulls Ashley aside to talk and starts out by saying ” you and I both know that our date yesterday didn’t go well.” Brad apologizes but asks how they have such bad communication when they have such a strong connection. He’s not completely off base when he says that he still has questions and he realized that he was about a week away from proposing and still didn’t know where he fit into her life.  It’s a valid point.  Brad tells her that he doesn’t want her to sit through a rose ceremony so he needs go tell her goodbye. She says she’s very surprised, she thought this was going to be it for her. We can only be left to assume she’s pissed that she gave it up in the fantasy suite last night only to be sent home today. Brad is sad because he though that Ashley would be one of the last two ladies standing and that she’d be meeting his family.  

Brad is a total lame-o and still holds the rose ceremony to make sure Emily and Chantal still like him back.  Now’s your chance to run, ladies!  Alas, they both accept so these are the two ladies left standing hoping Brad will get down on one knee.

Next week it’s The Women Tell All episode. Then in the final episode Chantal and Emily will be meeting Brad’s family in Cape Town, South Africa.  We don’t see any family clips, engagement rings or any mention of Emily’s family (didn’t Brad say he would never propose without asking for her father’s permission?  I believe Chantal’s dad gave a big yes to that).  All we do see is Brad getting super emotional. Where’s the therapist when you need him? 

Now it’s just down to 2.  Who’s your pick?! 

P.S. In case you’re interested, here are the new contestants for Dancing with the Stars, which were announced in the commercial promo breaks:

  • Sugar Ray Leonard, the boxer
  • Chelsea Kane, some Disney teenybopper
  • Romeo, Master P’s son
  • Ralph Macchio, the original karate kid
  • Petra Nemkova, model
  • Kendra Wilkinson, former playmate & House Bunny
  • Hines Ward, NFL player
  • “Psycho” Mike Catherwood from KROQ
  • Wendy Williams, a talk show host (I dint know her but Ashley says she’s annoying. I believe her)
  • Chris Jericho, WWE
  • Kirstie Alley, hot mess has been 

The Bachelor Recap episode 8, season 15

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

In New York Brad has the following nuggets to share about the four women left:

“Chantal is unlike all the other girls. I don’t hold back a single bit with her. I see a very real life with her. In a lot of ways I do want her to be my wife. She’s emotional. What I can’t deal with is an emotional roller coaster.”

“Ashley…the very first night I spent with her I knew there was something there. So outgoing, energetic, and bubbly. She has what any guy would want.  Ashley has second guessed things. Instead of moving forward we have to keep reassuring each other. We need to move forward.”

“I know Shawntel is wife material. We just have this unsaid connection. No roller coaster, no games, no drama. I like where I’m at with Shawntel.”

“And then there’s Emily. There is so much love that Emily has for her ex, and rightly so, but it sets the bar very high for anyone else to come in. I’m gonna try. There’s something very real between Emily and I. She’s what I want in a wife – she just is. I’m falling so hard for Emily. How can I propose to a woman if I haven’t met her daughter?”

His overall view: “My feelings are so much deeper. One of these women is going to be my wife.”

It was a bit piecey this week so here are the highlights of Brad’s hometown time with each of the women…

Seattle for Chantal O.

  • After they run to each other across the grass Brad says he missed her.
  • Chantal lives four streets away from her parents. She lives by herself with cats and dogs.
  • Brad is up front about living in Austin but tells Chantal that he’d be happy visiting Seattle a lot. She seems absolutely fine with it.
  • A cute little teddy bear of a pup named Boca greets them at the door.  Boca loves Brad. Chantal says it’s a whole package – she and all the animals are a package deal so Brad might need a big house. Brad says he lives in a small loft. And there’s definitely not enough closet space. Chantal says they’ll have to find another place and he doesn’t disagree.
  • They were lucky to get a blue sky sunny day in Seattle – no wonder Brad likes it so much.
  • The pull up to a HUGE house. Brad says that walking into this VERY large, nice home is intimidating.
  • Brad tells Chantal’s family about getting slapped the first time they met. Mom is mortified, Dad is is beaming with pride.
  • Chantal tells her dad that she “just knew” when she saw Brad – just like her dad did with her mom. Then she lets Dad know she’s in love.
  • Dad takes Brad outside for a little one-on-one time and they come across a statue of a man carving himself out of a rock.  Dad explains that the statue is symbolic of a self-made man. Dad and Brad bond over their masonry family backgrounds, growing up with no money, and not having good relationships with their fathers. Brad affirms that he will make sure he is a damn good father. Dad believes him.
  • Brad tells Chantal’s dad that his intentions are true. Dad gives Brad his blessing on their possible marriage and says he’d be proud to have him as a son-in-law.  
  • Brad says he sees why Chantal is so amazing now that he’s met her family.
  • Brad’s expectations are exceeded and he sees a future with her.

Madawaska, Maine for Ashley, the artist dentist

  • They’re at the restaurant she worked at as a bartender in high school.
  • They’re close to Canadian border so she tells Brad that they speak French and when the waitress comes over speaking French Brad answers “Si”….as in Spanish. Haha. What a winner.
  • When he opens up for the Putzin french fry covered in cheese and gravy she says “did you like it? And i saw your crown!” – totally awkward but he makes it funny when he says “Spoken like a true dentist!”
  • They pick up Maine lobster for dinner and grab veggies from an unmanned fruit stand that operates on the honor system – pay in the box and take what you will.
  • Brad says the small town feel is giving him an idea of what her life was like growing up.
  • Ashley is so excited, feeling very reassured and confident around her family.
  • Her family really likes them together. Her dad seems to like Brad a lot and he is wondering if he’ll be supportive of Ashley’s career ambition. Now Brad is wondering if he’ll be holding her back. Would she be scared of a proposal? Kids?
  • Ashley is feeling that the timing is really right. She’s starting to feel like things are meant to be. Meanwhile Brad is thinking he needs to talk to Ashley about her ambitions to determine how she’d feel about a proposal – would it scare her?
  • I am thinking it is so ridiculous that he’s thinking about proposing and doesn’t even know her stance on marriage, kids, and careers.
  • Brad says he doesn’t want to leave their house, the town, or Ashley.
  • We don’t see Brad ask dad’s permission for her hand, but it could have happened – producers are sneaky like that.

Chico, CA for Shawntel N.

  • Brad looks terrified entering the mortuary and confesses that he’s never even thought of death.
  • Shawntel shows him the crypts, crematory, and the embalming room.  Creepy!
  • Brad is realizing (probably as he lays on the prep table) that if they get married, a lot of their conversations will be centered around death and he doesn’t know if he can handle that.
  • She explains the embalming process, draining blood and injecting fluids in the body.  I’m pretty sure that killed (ha!) any of the romantic thoughts he had about her.  
  • Brad says he doesn’t handle death well. He doesn’t handle saying goodbye to people well. (foreshadowing a goodbye to Shawntel soon, perhaps?!) Brad says he’d cry with the families. I believe him.
  • Shawntel explains how much love she sees in her line of work, even though it’s in saying goodbye and Brad respects her for her compassion. I just don’t think he wants to come home to a woman that smells like embalming fluid every day.
  • Shawntel may be a hot mortician but her dad looks exactly like you’d expect a funeral director to look. Dad explains with pride that Shawntel is gearing up to take over his business. Uh…now it’s a little awkward but she explains to her parents that Brad lives in Austin and she is falling in love with him, which may mean she will move to Austin.
  • She talks to her dad and he explains that shes already established herself as a caretaker in their community, in fact missing an opportunity to take care of the services of her high school teacher’s son who was tragically killed while she was away on the show. Her dad is disappointed and upset at the idea of her moving to Austin and ruining his succession plan. Mumbles thinks he should have had a better succession plan than just having kids. Or maybe he should have had some ugly, socially awkward kids to ensure they wouldn’t get married and move away.
  • Shawntel says she is praying that everything works out for the best.  
  • Dad gives his blessing on their marriage, if that’s what’s in the cards.  
  • Shawntel says she needed him to meet the other part of her – her family – and then says that she isn’t just falling in love, she is in love with him.

Charlotte, North Carolina for Emily

  • Emily has a happy reunion with her daughter, Ricki.
  • Emily tells her daughter that she met new friends while she was away and one of them is a guy who has come to Charlotte just to meet her.  It doesn’t look like the daughter is too excited.
  • Emily has never introduced Ricki to anyone and she says that if Ricki doesn’t mesh with Brad then it would be like her not meshing Brad.
  • Emily has never introduced her daughter to someone she’s dated.
  • I think it is so darling that Emily calls Brad “Mr. Brad”
  • Ricki is being really really shy. She is not even looking at brad let alone answering any of his questions.
  • The first time Ricki laughs Brad’s heart melts and the awkwardness disappears. Brad is thrilled that he’s still in the running with Emily now that her daughter isn’t going to scream or run away.
  • Brad says he would welcome and cherish the opportunity to be a father figure for Ricki. Emily says she would be happy to have Brad in Her daughter’s life.
  • Hello, gorgeous house!
  • Emily says it feels really good just sitting around the house playing board games. Brad says he feels like he’s in the right place.
  • Emily is oh cloud nine and she’s been waiting on brad to kiss her all day, and therefore is extremely disappointed when Brad says that he respects her enough to not kiss her while her daughter sleeps upstairs. Emily understands that he’s being sweet and chivalrous but it’s hard for her not to get disappointed. She wanted some sugar.
  • Emily smirks and says “Brad Womack is not getting out my front door without kissing me. That’s for damn sure.”
  • Brad revels in how much he enjoys kissing Emily.
  • “This is definitely is the happiest I’ve been in a really long time. I’m definitely ready for brad to change my life forever.” -Emily

Chris Harrison points out that Ashley’s family is maybe the one he felt most comfortable with but Ashley is the only one who didn’t profess her love for him this week.  (Did Emily?) Brad said he’s basing the decision on who to give a rose to on his feelings, not theirs.

Rose ceremony

  • Ashley, the ambitious artist dentist
  • Emily, Single Mom Southern Belle Barbie
  • Chantal O., the Shannen Doherty Doppleganger who for some reason is looking really big during this rose ceremony. Not a flattering dress at all – seriously, what’s the deal? She’s not a big girl. Maybe it’s the camera angle…(“how many cameras are on you?” – Chandler Bing)

Brad really isn’t ready to face death (and especially not being married to someone who lives it every day).  He explains he just didn’t feel the way a guy should when a woman says “I love you.” Shawntel N. doesn’t seem too distraught but she is appropriately disappointed, feeling sad to be losing the first guy that she feels was very perfect. She is super cute and classy even while crying. Shawntel says she’s never been treated like Brad treated her and maybe she’ll find someone like him that treats her like a princess. I hope so. Maybe they’ll make her the next Bachelorette – that would be entertaining and quite likely to attract even more interesting suitors. Haha.

Next stop: South Africa
Stars, sunsets, helicopters, safaris, elephants, and the fantasy suite (x3)

P.S. After the preview of next week’s episode Mumbles is offended that Brad would even ask Emily the Angel to stay in the fantasy suite with him. Repulsed. He’d like to have words with Brad about how out of his league she is. I think this is evidence she would be a great Bachelorette candidate for next season, going against my anti-recycling campaign (only as it pertains to Bachelor/Bachelorette participants). America loves Emily. My husband is proof.

Who’s your pick to win it? Think there’s a proposal coming?  Do you think they’ll use a girl from this season for the next Bachelorette?

The Bachelor Recap episode 7, season 15

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

This week I’m a lucky lady to be spending Valentine’s Day with my two favorite people: Mumbles and my BFOTB to watch this week’s episode where the ladies and Brad find themselves in the turquoise, clear water, white sand oasis of Anguilla in the Caribbean. There will be three one-on-one dates with no roses required to stay, and one group date.  Two ladies are going home this week.   

One-on-One Date: “Three things I would bring on a deserted island: picnic, champagne and Emily”

Brad says he doesn’t feel like he deserves to be with Emily so he gets nervous around her.  To take his mind off the nervous of screwing it up with the prettiest girl ever, he blurts out “What do you want to do today?”  And cue the helicopter.  If Emily would have answered “I want to fly somewhere in a helicopter” I’m pretty sure Brad would have proposed right then and there.

Brad takes Emily to Sandy Island in Anguilla – a private island that looks a lot like a phallus from the aerial view.  All alone on this island and they’re still very tense and awkward.  Brad confesses that he gets very nervous around Emily and doesn’t help much on her end either. Brad tries to have a really sincere moment and he tells her that he cares about her more than she knows and “probably more than he should be saying at this point” and they have a nice kiss.  Emily says that she wants to bring Brad home but she still isn’t sure if she wants Brad to meet her daughter yet.  Not a good outlook, Mr. Bachelor.

Brad quizzes Emily about whether he will be allowed to meet Ricki on the hometown dates.  She says she’s nervous about letting her meet anyone. Brad has linked her acceptance of him with meeting her daughter. Brad breaks the Bachelor rules and tells Emily that he’s giving her a rose; he’s going to her home town. He’s such a rebel…a rebel in manpri’s.  Is this the first woman in the history of the Bachelor where the parent is really actually protective of her child? I don’t recall this much drama before – another reason to like Emily.

Second one-on-one date is with Shawntel N. Brad takes her on her ideal date and he doesn’t even know it: the farmer’s market.  A sage Anguillan lady tells them how to be in love and says they’re a cute couple.  Shawntel tells Brad she’s falling in love with him but all he can think about is Emily. She starts asking him about his family and Brad admits that he doesn’t have a relationship with his dad. This is BIG because he can’t talk about these things with anyone (aside from his shrink).  When it starts to rain the magic hits and they both go in for the kiss. But this date gets better because they are about be serenaded with a private show by the Bankie Banx, who, according to Brad (aka the producers), is the biggest reggae band in the Caribbean.  I can’t remember what the date card actually said but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it said something like “Let’s bank on love.”  (was I close?!?)  They also brought in a group of party-goers so when Brad and Shawntel were tired of the crowd they snuck away to frolic in the water, where we get full view of Shawntel’s enormous tramp stamp.

Third one-on-one date: Britt – “Let’s sail on the sea of love. “

Brad says that tonight really is make or break for Britt since they are so behind the other relationships he’s formed, which is completely his fault due to the fact that she hasn’t had one-on-one time with him. 

Brad starts their date by telling Britt how special she is:  “I’ve picked up women in helicopters, convertibles, and a boat…but never in a yacht.”  Then it’s made very clear that Brad doesn’t own the yacht, as they are required to swim out to the yacht to board.  Haha.

Michelle says she doesn’t see Brad and Britt getting married. In fact, she can hardly see Brad friending her on Facebook.  Oh, Michelle, don’t you know as your comments become less crazy and entertaining, your odds of getting a rose also diminish?  Step it up a bit, will ya?

Little Bay in Anguilla is so gorgeous.  Britt confesses that she is willing to “jump right in” but she’s terrified.  She also says that terrified is pretty much her go to feeling when it comes to this show. I can relate: mine is anxiety. Ashley and I understand why she’s a little tentative about jumping off a cliff…for Brad.  We’d hesitate too.  (But hey, we also took turns quoting Forgetting Sarah Marshall “Peter, I can see your hoo-ha!”) 

Brad explains that they’re sitting on the beach having a great conversation, asking all the right questions in the most romantic place in the world but he isn’t getting the urge to just grab her and kiss her.  I can give him that. Britt does seem to be putting out a bit of a little sister vibe. I also note that she looks a little Elvish.  Nothing wrong with that but would Brad know and appreciate a woman with Elvish good looks? I think not.  In what little air time she gets, Britt makes some pretty funny comments and I feel like we could be friends in real life, which means she’s probably not Bachelor material.  (Heidi, you can fall in love on The Bachelor and we’ll still be friends or you can just be really pretty and fun and entertaining – totally your call).

After a few awkward small talk comments over dinner Brad says that there is no romance. She’s a sweet woman, but it’s just not there.  Brad starts his breakup talk but he’s really not good at these.  He doesn’t have a rose to not give to her but he tells her that he doesn’t see a future with her.  She tries to talk rationally (sorry, Britt, I think you forgot you’re on The Bachelor) about taking more time to get to know each other but Brad pulls his best defense: during his last season he was crucified for stringing girls along.  At least Brad has the decency to arrange a boat to pick her up so she didn’t have to swim to the shore.

Britt walks back up to the house and the girls are so happy to see her and ask her about her date…and she has to fight back tears to tell the girls that she’s going home. 

Group date: Ashley, Chantal, Michelle – “This is the dawn of a new love”

Brad wakes up the girls in the middle of the night to tell them they are starting their date early.  Brad says that they’re going to be doing something that millions of women dream of doing…they are going to be in a photoshoot for Sports Illustrated, which just so coincidentally happens to hit newsstands on February 15 – tomorrow.

Chantal is all Debbie Downer “I’m a fatty” and don’t want to be photographed today.  Ashley puts some conch shells over her boobs and the other girls are pissed with envy.  Chantal is not feeling confident and sexy but decides to take her top off anyway.  Brad is looking at the girls with clothes on instead of the ones that are taking their tops off.   Huh? Michelle got ambitious because she didn’t want to take her top off so instead she crawled on top of Brad, really getting the other girls jealous and angry as they now realize they probably didn’t have to go topless for a national magazine and instead could have just had a steamy makeout session with the guy they like.  Oops.

(P.S. What is Ashley drinking that’s bright green?  Scooby Snacks?)  Ashley tells Brad that she feels like the kid sister or the friend.  Brad acknowledges that he hurt her and put her in a bad position.  Now he has to go apologize to Chantal.  Brad asks if her feelings have changed and Chantal says that she is still in love with him and she’d be stupid to ignore it.

Brad tells Michelle he sees a very strong, almost volatile woman and that they might be just a little bit too alike.  Michelle acknowledges her stubbornness and that it is true that they are alike.  Not great quality alone time together.

Chantal pulls Brad aside for more alone time together to ask if everything is okay.  Brad says he’s having a hard time showing emotion because he’s trying to respect everyone’s feelings by not showing any emotion.  Oh, so now I get it! This whole season he’s been boring because he’s trying to respect everyone!  Got it. What a gentleman!

Ashley says she is scared that she screwed up with Brad because she’s retracted in her fear of getting sent home.  Ashley gets needy and desperate and begs “please don’t send me home.”  Brad had to walk all the way back to the cabana to grab the rose right out from under Chantal and Michelle and the moment he turns on his heel the tears have appeared in Chantal’s eyes.  Lots more tears and then Chantal tells Brad that “if you can’t choose me over two other girls then you should just send me home now.”  And I think someone should tell her to watch her words because he did just choose another girl over her. She ends their date all pouty and teary, hoping to push Brad away just enough so that he’d pull her in closer. Not sure that worked, buttercup, but good luck.

Brad and Chris Harrison sit down and Brad says he doesn’t feel that he needs a cocktail party tonight – he made his decision earlier today.  Chris asks if someone might be able to change his mind and Brad says no.  I really would have banked on Ashley but now that she has the rose it seems like it could be Chantal but then again Ashley had a full on emotional pity party too and Brad rewarded her with a rose. So that leaves us with Michelle, which also seems fitting.  He got to enjoy some passionate moments and now he’s done because her craziness is not as entertaining anymore.  

Brad is 100% confident that he’s making the decision. So here it is for hometown dates next week:

Roses:
Ashley, the artist dentist
Emily, Southern Belle Barbie
Shawntel N., the funeral director
(and drumroll as it’s down to the two enemies: Chantal and Michelle. And insert totally pointless cut in from Chris: “Ladies, Brad, this is the last rose of the night.”  Thank you, Captain Obvious!)
…Chantal O. 

After much ado and drama, Michelle has fulfilled her crazy contract and is going home.  Brad asks to walk Michelle out and as they walk he says “can I have your hand or absolutely not?” and she curtly replies “um, probably not.”  Haha.  Then Brad asks if she wants him to talk and she says “no” so we don’t get to hear that awkward conversation.  Brad explains that he had an intense physical connection to Michelle but he realized that would wear off and they would become extremely volatile because they butt heads so much.  Smart man, I guess.  In the limo, I think the producers were very sorely disappointed not to get a big dramatic cry and cuss fest out of Michelle.  Instead, she simply laid her head down on the seat and looked sad.  Kudos to you, lady.

Today’s beverage of the episode: Rockbrook Chardonnay, 2008.  Delicious for cooking veggies and for sipping. 

Next week: home hunting, cremations, and mother-daughter reunions. 

P.S. After today’s bikini-clad, beach bunny episode our dear friend Melanie sent in a fabulous tip for our good friend Heidi: Heidi, when you send in your application make sure to list that you were a lifeguard, look great in a bikini, tan easily, and dive into water as elegantly as an Olympian (minus the broad shoulders).  You’re a shoe in.

The Bachelor Recap episode 6, season 15

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

Well hello there.  Let’s get right to it and helicopter on in to Costa Rica. Ashley H, the artist dentist is ready to get down and dirty in Costa Rica. They arrive at Springs Resort & Spa in Costa Rica to see its gorgeous grounds and a sweeping panoramic view of a volcano in the distance.  In the foreground is Brad, also looking like he’s ready to explode with [insert any boring emotion you can think of].  The girls say he’s ready to let loose and I completely disagree…he is so rigid and forced.  In the voice of the great Chandler Bing: Could he be any less excited?

One-on-One Date: “Close your eyes, hold on tight, love is in the air tonight” -Chantal O.
“All I can do is be patient and hope Chantal gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes.” – Michelle, the crazy

Chantal is concerned that this date means Brad is second guessing her because she let out a bit of her jealous crazy side last week.  Someone should tell her Brad likes crazy and jealous [see every reference to Michelle in this blog].

Surprise! More helicopter transportation.  For their date, Brad and Chantal will be taking on the longest zip line in the world, six hundred feet off the ground.  Brad says they’ll be taking their relationship to new heights.  Oh, brother.  And just as they get ready to take the plunge, the rain arrives.

“The rain comes your way and you make the most of it. That’s what you do in a relationship.” -Chantal O. being profound, comparing the weather raining on her zip-line parade to her relationship with Brad.  Very ominously we see Chantal spot a monkey in a tree nearby and for a split second I think Michelle might get her wish, but alas, it just led to more kissing.  Sorry, Michelle.

Now for a picnic dinner by the river with fresh coconut. I’m uber jealous.  Especially because the coconut is all cut in half and perfect. No need for your husband to drill holes with a power drill and crack it open with a hammer.  Oh, that’s not how you do it? Hmm…I’ll have to talk to Mumbles about that.  Chantal says she’s feeling things tonight that she’s dreamed of feeling but has never felt…ever.  Next thing you know, it’s pouring down rain on her dinner parade.  This girl can’t catch a break.  Maybe it’s foreshadowing…every time she thinks it’s going well the rain comes…nah, this show’s not that deep. So, Chantal and Brad ditch the cute picnic dinner to find cover and head straight to the hotel room (don’t mind if I do, right?!) 

“It makes me happy to think that the rain has completely ruined their one-on-one date. There’s a chance it could be the worst date Brad’s been on [Michelle also said this about Shawntel N.’s date, which turned out to be a shopping spree in Vegas] but I just…it’s hard to know; I’m not there.” -Michelle, the crazy.

Back in the hotel room Brad gives Chantal a Risky Business-esque white shirt to get comfy in. Chantal says she likes this casual, on-the-fly date. Brad says he thinks it’s their best date yet, then brings up her crazy mind games last week and her only defense is to say that she was just in a bad place. 

“I feel so good with you. I want more of it. Every day.  Forever.” – Chantal says then embarrassed, with a childish laugh, followed by a passionate kiss.
“This could happen every night.” -Brad
“I want it to.” – Chantal
Which earns Chantal the rose.   

Brad is confident that Chantal isn’t overly dramatic now.  He says “it just works” with her.  Chantal confesses that she fell in love with Brad tonight.

Group Date: “Love springs eternal” – Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel N., and Britt

Now Britt is the only girl left that hasn’t had a one-on-one date.  And, in case you weren’t already aware, Michelle hates group dates.  Here’s another thing to add to the list of things she hates: rain and cold.  And that Chantal came home in Brad’s shirt after her date last night.  Man, what a good ploy!  [Heidi, when you become a contestant on The Bachelor, be sure to bring a stash of men’s dress shirts and pack one in your purse each date so you can come home wearing it and make all the girls crazy and jealous!  Write that down.]

True: there’s nothing sexy about a harness and a helmet.
They will all be repelling down the waterfall to prove to Brad that they’re adventurous. Most of the girls are freaked.  The girls are comforted by how encouraging he his, proving that he’ll be a good husband and father.  I think it proves that his expensive therapy sessions are giving him good one-liners to use.

Here are the highlights from the group date:

  • Jackie is deathly afraid of heights. She doesn’t like ferris wheels.
  • “Jackie may have soiled herself.” – Britt. haha.  I’m sad because I think she may be going home and that was funny.  This show needs all the funny it can get.
  • Michelle is pissed that Brad broke the vow he made to her on their one-on-one date. Brad acknowledges that he made a pact with Michelle, Michelle throws a few punches at Brad to give him a hard time, and then she jumps around giddily once he tells her that they will be repelling down together, thus not breaking his vow. Now Brad is worried about not spending time with the other girls and the fallout it will cause later in the evening. 
  • Soaking in the natural hot springs Michelle eloquently shares that “Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you like want to go home and [insert sexual expletive of your choice].”
  • Brad pulls Jackie away and takes her into a little nook of the hot springs pool and she calls him out on not going down the waterfall with her since she was the one that needed his consoling. 
  • Brad complains about how hard it is to keep all the women happy.  And he thinks he’s ready for marriage, huh?
  • As if we didn’t believe her before, Michelle says she is seriously starting to get bugged by the other girls.  She even calls out Alli and she’s not even on this date.
  • Emily warns Brad that she usually does things in relationships to sabotage them.  Then she jumps in the water and comes back up with black raccoon eyes.  Sabotage?  No.  But definitely not her best look. 
  • We get a close up view of Brad’s HUGE back tattoo and suddenly Emily’s makeup doesn’t matter so much.

Alli is very scared of bugs. Not just any bugs. But bugs in particular that make a crunch sound when you [hypothetically] step on them.  Chantal picks up a beetle in their hotel room with a piece of paper and taunts Alli with it until she screams bloody murder.  Cut to Brad with a very fake concerned look on his face as you hear the screaming in the background.  Now, this is funny television.

Michelle tells Brad that she didn’t think Chantal was coming home last night and she’s pissed about it. Brad seems a little pissed too and he seems to be [finally] getting sick of Michelle’s crap.  When she realizes her crazy gabbing isn’t working she just puts on the sexy eyes and goes in for the kiss.  Brad is frustrated but he still likes to kiss.

According to Brad the roses now mean more to him than ever.  Tonight, he’s not giving the rose to anyone.  Brad explains that he’s “…not just giving this rose to the woman who jumped first or the woman who overcame fears.”  

One-on-One Date: “Meet me at the altar” – Alli
Chantal tries to pull the whole “how do you feel about your date card not having the word ‘love'” bit again but Alli doesn’t bite quickly pointing out that she prefers the reference to marriage. Alli – 1  Chantal – 0

Brad slowly strolls up on horseback to pick up Alli.  He doesn’t look at all natural riding the horse but I’m happy it’s a refreshing change from the usual helicopter. What is up with the tiny little horse babies following them around?!?  How cute is that?!

They’ll be going into a 40 million year-old cave and Alli is terrified of all the poisonous jungle bugs awaiting her inside.  If it wasn’t already obvious that the girls are lined up on dates that align with the fears indicated on their application forms, it’s now fact.  [Heidi, write something silly as your biggest fear and practice making your phobia seem intense and sincere.  Something like karaoke. You’d be so good at pretending to have stage fright and then overcoming your fear!  You’d be like a pool shark but with a microphone instead of a pool cue!] 

“Look at that spider!”…ugh. I hate spiders. Bats, though, come on, bats are cute! Okay, they do make weird hissing/screech noises.  After their dark, long wet hike with all the bugs, they arrive at the altar, natural stairs in the rock where Brad has a little camp picnic laid out.  I wonder what poor production assistant had to climb through that cave first with all the picnic stuff to set that up.  Then later, they sit down for a nice romantic dinner that appears to be floating in the middle of a pool.  I’d be worried about scooting my chair back a little too far because this guy’s in intensive therapy so you never know when you might need to make a quick dash outta there. Girl’s gotta have an escape plan.  [Heidi, write that down.] 

Alli appears to be fighting her food with fork and knife then says, a little frustrated, “What is this, really?” To which Brad helpfully points out: “Chicken.”  Lady, you’re totally going home.  They’re making small talk and Brad is struggling.  Alli starts to list off countries to see if Brad’s never been there. This could go on a while.  Then more stimulating gems like this exchange:  
“Austin is a great city…”-Alli 
“It’s big” -Brad

Brad claims he can make conversation with just about anyone.  You stand corrected, sir.  

All the girls back at the room are placing bets that Alli isn’t coming home.  Brad tries to dig deeper into Alli’s relationship past and he asks about her last relationship, which she shares lasted for two years but as she imagined her wedding and walking down the aisle, she just couldn’t see her ex’s face.  She explains that it was really hard, she really tried to convince herself that there was something there because he was such a great guy…leaving a HUGE opening for Brad to pop in and say “I’m so glad you said that because that’s very much how I feel about you – I’m trying to picture this working and I just can’t see you holding a rose at the end of tonight…” which would have been awesome but he doesn’t say that. Here’s what actually happened: Brad leads into a vague monologue about finding his wife and knowing if not the first date, then very close to the first date, that there’s a very strong connection (which he hopes will lead to his letting her down gently, telling her that he doesn’t feel that strong instant connection like he’s already established with the other girls).  Instead, what really happens is she says “I absolutely agree!  And I want you to know that I feel just as comfortable around you as I think I’ve felt with anyone before…and I think I could hang out with you all day, every day.”  Brad starts into the “let’s be friends” speech and clarifies that he doesn’t think that constitutes falling in love and so he can’t give her the rose.  And that’s where it ends.  Friends it is.  And she thanks him for being honest, cries and gets embarrassed.    Back in the hotel room the girls are all shocked and awed that Alli’s bags are being taken away, which I don’t quite understand. 

Brad is now in his pensive alone time to process what he’s feeling [no doubt good advice for post rose rejection, a la the trusty therapist] when there’s a knock on the door.  “iHola!” and voila, there’s Michelle, the crazy.  Brad says it’s a nice surprise.  They exchange “I miss yous” then kiss for a bit.  Michelle really looks like she’s working out a strategy in those kisses.  She has her eyes on the rose and she asks how it went, full well knowing that Alli has been sent home.  Brad makes a little flub by saying “any others you want me to do?” haha. oops! busted!  Michelle tells Brad who it’s gonna be in the final four: herself, Chantal, Emily and Ashley.  Of course, she predicts herself to be the victor. 

Cocktail Party:

  • Brad shares that this has been really difficult for him.  Hmm…that therapist doesn’t travel?  No Skype?  Total fail.
  • Brad and Emily take some time away on the hammock.  Brad says he thinks about her a lot. He says he’s scared of her.  Emily regrets telling Brad that she sabotages things.  She tells Brad she cares about him a lot and that she feels vulnerable.  He tells her that he wants her to feel comfortable.  She says she needs his help, addressing his concerns before he could even bring them up. 
  • Chantal asks the group who gave Brad grief about not giving out the rose on the group date. 
  • Brad tells Michelle that he feels he’s taken 10 steps back with her and finally stands up to her confirming that he’s doing what’s best for him.  She tries to spin it back onto him that he asked for it.  Michelle gets a furrow in her brow and I can see the wheels churning in her manipulative mind …hmmm…crazy manipulation isn’t working so let’s try the tears and I’m genuine bit to see if that’ll work for a while…
  • Shawntel N. wants to confront Brad about who gave him grief about the rose but realizes that she’s here to fall in love, not play games with girls.  So instead, she decides to play games with the only boy here.  The Silent Game, which leads to making out.  Lots of making out.  And she should just be sassy and walk away but she screws it up by talking.  Shawntel reports back that someone confronted Brad after the group date and they all continue to discuss and Michelle confesses that she went to Brad’s and spent 30 minutes with him. 
  • Ashley the artist dentist says it best: “There are certain boundaries that I thought we had; it surprises me that we don’t.”
  • Chantal O. tells Brad that she wants to share something with him, especially tonight because she already has a rose and she wants him to know that she isn’t expecting anything in return.  Chantal tells Brad that she has fallen in love with Brad.  They kiss and he asks her if she could explain how she knows she’s in love and she gives a really great response, explaining that a change has occurred in her heart- she no longer thinks about how the experience is affecting her but is now concerned with how everything is affecting Brad.  Aw.

Rose Ceremony:
Chantal O., the first to fall in love
Ashley, the artist dentist
Emily, Southern Belle Barbie (also, did I share my revelation that she is totally Holly Madison’s doppleganger?!)
Britt, the wild card for the night…she gets absolutely no air time!
Shawntel N., the funeral director
Michelle, the crazy

Going home tonight is Jackie, the Wicked/Glee Singer.  Not too surprising.  Brad gives her a lovely goodbye speech and it’s all very classy.  I wish as these girls said goodbye they would say something super scandalous to the Bachelor to really screw with his mind and mix things up.  It’s never that fun.  [Heidi, let’s plan for a really awesome scandalous rumor for you to plant into the Bachelor’s mind just in case you get sent home because of all the awesome advice I’m giving you].

Next week: Anguilla
Hello, paradise! Blue water, boats, sunny skies, romantic walks on the beach, crying, kissing in the sand, hard questions (including a “can I meet your daughter?” and an “I don’t know” response), and, of course, roses.

P.S. To my friend Jessie – this one’s for you. I stayed up way past my bedtime. You’re welcome.