Bachelor The Women Tell All

Welcome to the one before the one — The Women Tell All. The first few minutes are spent showing Sean and Chris dropping in on some Bachelor viewing parties — including one at a sorority house (I think they were chanting U-C-L-A but I can’t be sure) and that little clip concluded with the sorority girls all cheering for Sean to take off his shirt. Absolutely! Of course he obliges.

After introducing the panel of ladies who have returned to rehash their failed attempt at love on national television (all while looking tan and polished and totally put together so as to show America and Sean that he’s made a huge mistake in letting them go), the first mashup of clips that they show is all of the girls saying awful things about one another and pointing out everyone’s flaws. Meanwhile, all I can focus on is that Sarah seems to be rubbing her nub. Awkward. Even at home I’m trying not to stare. Sorry.

Tierra

“Tierra’s sparkle didn’t sparkle that big,” explains Lesley.

After a huge Tierra bashing session, Chris informs everyone that Tierra is in fact in the studio, there to defend her sparkle. The audience is cordial after Chris Harrison begs for a few moments of compassion. Tierra looks like she’s already been crying backstage but it may just be that she’s got quite a bit of perfume in her eyes since she just spritzed a cloud of it backstage. And it doesn’t look like she’s wearing much makeup…probably to let that sparkle shine through.

Chris: “Anything you’d like to take back? Anything you’d like to apologize for?”

Tierra: “Off the top of my head, no.”

It’s been a really boring back and forth as Tierra defends her friendliness, flashing her new engagement ring, and innocently pondering why it is no one liked her all that much as Chris Harrison continues to lead the witness with questions that essentially paraphrase what everyone’s just said.

“I think Tierra made her own bed — her own cot — what have you.” — Lesley, on Tierra and AshLee’s confrontation in St. Croix

And, after all that, Tierra spouts out an awful apology that probably tastes like vinegar coming out of her mouth.

Tierra is engaged and all the girls on the panel are ready to drown themselves in some large helpings of self pity and wine.

The Tierra segment ends with a “no comment” about when she got engaged, she gives a sly smile, and then says “January.” Weird.

Sarah

Chris pulls Sarah into the hot seat, informing her that while America loves her, Sean didn’t. Yeah, got that. Thanks, Mr. Obvious. Sarah breaks down after reliving getting dumped and getting the same speech she always does: you’re a great girl, someone else is going to be lucky to have you…And she says — quite rightly — that a lot of other girls probably get that too. And they do. That’s how a lot of break-ups go. Better luck next time.

Desiree

Reliving Desiree’s tearful goodbye, our little viewing party decides that this show could probably use a tissue sponsor…none of the producers ever keep tissues on hand for these girls and the constant waterworks? Rude.

Des says she was falling in love with Sean and she’s very composed and poised – not defensive, not too sad – just honest and reflective.

For as much as Des was America’s sweetheart, the conversation with Chris was really superficial…but I guess there’s not much to rehash. So Des, you still talk to your brother? Good story.

AshLee

I’m a little nervous when I take a good look at AshLee on this Women Tell All episode because it looks like someone’s given her a makeover. Either she’s here to make Sean uber jealous or she’s the new Bachelorette. And, I just can’t handle the thought of hearing about abandonment issues and healing and anything of her lengthy metaphors for a whole season. Ugh. No no no. Please, no.

AshLee says she is not in love with Sean anymore and she realized that Sean wasn’t what she thought he was. She said with her Sean was a southern gentleman but when she watched the show and saw the way he acted with the other women, she thought he was more like a frat boy. Having married a frat guy, I say there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that!

Sean

AshLee is first up to put Sean on the spot. Her only question: “what happened?” Sean’s only real reason is that he couldn’t find laughter with her. I guess that’s as good of a reason as any. I wouldn’t want a love without laughter. I get that.

Sean compares his saying goodbye to AshLee to Emily saying goodbye to him. And he understands why she felt strung along because he had to talk with her about the future. AshLee lectures Sean about what it is to be a southern gentleman and she expresses extreme disappointment that he never checked on her. In her words, she wanted a phone call saying “how are you, babe?” Seriously, lady? You’re crazy. The dude broke up with you. There’s no more pet names. And all he can say is that he thought it would be harder to reach out to her (more like my woman now would kill me if I keep in contact with any of you other gals) after sending her away.

And then the crazy claws come out: AshLee asks Sean why he would say to her that he didn’t have any feelings for the other two girls. Twice! And all flabbergasted Sean can do is sit there and deny it. And all AshLee can do is say that she’s not making it up. Because that’s what emotionally unstable people do. She believes her own version of the truth. And that’s that. Sean puts it on record (to save his potential future marriage to one of the remaining two women) that he does not agree and no such words were ever said. When the show returns from commercial, we get to overhear AshLee and Sean’s private conversation and AshLee stands firm in her belief that Sean did tell her that he didn’t have feelings for the other girls and that when she said “I love you” he replied that when it was all over he would “tell her every day.” So much for your happy ending.

Sean says that Des is a person that makes him smile when he thinks about her (which is often?!) because she’s so full of joy. But, he said that he felt like she was hiding some things behind her smile, to which Desiree nods knowingly and they bid each other adieu. Definitely saw enough closure here for her to potentially be the new Bachelorette. Here’s to hoping.

Next week: elephants, crying, kissing, cabanas, meeting the family, a ring, and a letter.

And, the part of the show that pulled most at my heartstrings: the tribute to the dog that recently passed. Devastating.

Before we even get to The Women Tell All, we have to get to everyone else ever affiliated with The Bachelor or Bachelorette, as this episode starts out with clips and interviews from a Bachelor/Bachelorette reunion party, which will be the breeding grounds of the Bachelor Pad 3…eww. Oh, and Ali’s gonna be there after breaking off her engagement with latin lover Roberto…And so is Ed, after breaking off his engagement with Canadian Bachelorette Jillian. Doesn’t that all sound like so much fun? Well, this girl needs a break from all the crazies (I need to mentally prepare for the Bentleys of the world during Emily’s season coming up – I’m quite looking forward to it, actually) and Bachelor Pad is all of ’em, all the crazies, all together under one big roof. You’ll have to fill me in on how that goes. Thanks.

The recap of Ben’s journey to love is a jam-packed session, reliving every ounce of awkward in just one episode is far too much for me to handle. I will admit I had to fast forward a lot. Watching once was enough, thanks. Plus, I hadn’t even had any wine. Free advice: have some wine while watching The Women Tell All. It’s a cat fight. Meow.

Here’s the gist of what we learn on this night where the rejected come together, tans too orange, smiles too plastic, skirts too short, heels too high…

Blakeley: is not a competitor, is not friendly, and was just there to meet Ben. Her excuse for poor behavior while filming: she was just “too mature” for everyone else.
Jennifer: looks awesome. Whoa. Good on you, lady.
Brittney: was not at all attracted to Ben and therefore sent herself home.
Samantha: the instigator, otherwise known as the chihuahua in the house. Shedoesnotstoptalking.
Shawntel is back (again) and disappointed (again) and saddened (as always) by how rudely she was treated by the bullies in the house. Every woman there would like to confront Shawntel and hands fly when Chris asks if anyone has any questions.
Elyse is orange.
Erika – who are you? I don’t know but way to tell America you’ve got big hips. That’s all I’ll remember.
Emily is playing the princess in purple. She says she’s happy about the way things ended because she deserves better than Ben, who showed her only that he cared more about preserving his relationship with Courtney than respecting her or the other women. She gets a lot of air time and probably because she was very likeable and America can’t understand why he’s keeping Courtney around either.
Nicki is heartbroken but herself again.
Kacie B. doesn’t think Ben would’ve fit in at her family’s house in the South for Christmas. Ben probably would’ve said the same thing about every other day of the year, too.

A good chunk of the show is spent bashing on Courtney, which is understandable but seems a bit unfair seeing as she isn’t there to defend herself, and there’s more than a 50% chance Ben is going to choose her (seriously, people, don’t act surprised – he is gaga over her and that’s been very obvious for a long while now). So really this ends up being all of Ben’s ex-girlfriends slamming his current girlfriend. Not pretty. And the point is taken a little more seriously when Chris Harrison announces that Courtney is there in person to defend herself – surprise! Aha! And now this becomes the producer’s “let’s try to make America at least like her a little bit before the finale” episode.

Courtney says she regrets a lot and is disappointed in herself. It sounds quite as if she’s had some coaching (maybe from a publicist or Bachelor Brad’s therapist?) to respond to everyone’s harsh comments. Even Chris calls her out, wondering aloud if all the other ladies are buying what she’s trying to sell or if they believe she’s just there to repair her image. I’ll take the latter for 500, Chris. Her defense to her poor behavior and regular jabs at the girls is that she was extremely uncomfortable and she didn’t think any of it through. After the commercial break she’s worked up some tears and manages to spill out a lot of blanket apologies. As soon as Chris takes over the conversation to tell her she has said all she can say to the other women, the tears have dried and she says her thanks and goodbye, hops into her limo and drives off.

Side note: What’s up with all the purple tonight?

Ben is welcomed to the stage and he appropriately welcomes Chris to his nightmare. We don’t learn anything new, there is nothing shocking or exciting, just every single girl asking “why did I get sent home? What did I do wrong?” Totally pathetic. Chris doesn’t ask Ben if he’s with someone now, whether he’s engaged, happy, dating…nothing. Hopefully the After the Final Rose episode will be more interesting than this.

Chris says this was an unusually emotional season. Hmmm…seemed quite usual to me. What say you? Who is your pick for the final rose?! Will there be a proposal?

P.S. Maybe my favorite part of this Women Tell All is Manic Monica confronting crazy Blogger Jenna about her breakdown on television, trying to make amends by offering her a tampon of which they will share. “Jenna, will you accept this tampon?” What was your favorite part?