Before we even get to The Women Tell All, we have to get to everyone else ever affiliated with The Bachelor or Bachelorette, as this episode starts out with clips and interviews from a Bachelor/Bachelorette reunion party, which will be the breeding grounds of the Bachelor Pad 3…eww. Oh, and Ali’s gonna be there after breaking off her engagement with latin lover Roberto…And so is Ed, after breaking off his engagement with Canadian Bachelorette Jillian. Doesn’t that all sound like so much fun? Well, this girl needs a break from all the crazies (I need to mentally prepare for the Bentleys of the world during Emily’s season coming up – I’m quite looking forward to it, actually) and Bachelor Pad is all of ’em, all the crazies, all together under one big roof. You’ll have to fill me in on how that goes. Thanks.

The recap of Ben’s journey to love is a jam-packed session, reliving every ounce of awkward in just one episode is far too much for me to handle. I will admit I had to fast forward a lot. Watching once was enough, thanks. Plus, I hadn’t even had any wine. Free advice: have some wine while watching The Women Tell All. It’s a cat fight. Meow.

Here’s the gist of what we learn on this night where the rejected come together, tans too orange, smiles too plastic, skirts too short, heels too high…

• Blakeley: is not a competitor, is not friendly, and was just there to meet Ben. Her excuse for poor behavior while filming: she was just “too mature” for everyone else.
• Jennifer: looks awesome. Whoa. Good on you, lady.
• Brittney: was not at all attracted to Ben and therefore sent herself home. 
• Samantha: the instigator, otherwise known as the chihuahua in the house. Shedoesnotstoptalking. 
• Shawntel is back (again) and disappointed (again) and saddened (as always) by how rudely she was treated by the bullies in the house. Every woman there would like to confront Shawntel and hands fly when Chris asks if anyone has any questions.
• Elyse is orange. 
• Erika – who are you? I don’t know but way to tell America you’ve got big hips. That’s all I’ll remember.
• Emily is playing the princess in purple. She says she’s happy about the way things ended because she deserves better than Ben, who showed her only that he cared more about preserving his relationship with Courtney than respecting her or the other women. She gets a lot of air time and probably because she was very likeable and America can’t understand why he’s keeping Courtney around either.
• Nicki is heartbroken but herself again.
• Kacie B. doesn’t think Ben would’ve fit in at her family’s house in the South for Christmas. Ben probably would’ve said the same thing about every other day of the year, too.

A good chunk of the show is spent bashing on Courtney, which is understandable but seems a bit unfair seeing as she isn’t there to defend herself, and there’s more than a 50% chance Ben is going to choose her (seriously, people, don’t act surprised – he is gaga over her and that’s been very obvious for a long while now). So really this ends up being all of Ben’s ex-girlfriends slamming his current girlfriend. Not pretty. And the point is taken a little more seriously when Chris Harrison announces that Courtney is there in person to defend herself – surprise! Aha!  And now this becomes the producer’s “let’s try to make America at least like her a little bit before the finale” episode.

Courtney says she regrets a lot and is disappointed in herself. It sounds quite as if she’s had some coaching (maybe from a publicist or Bachelor Brad’s therapist?) to respond to everyone’s harsh comments. Even Chris calls her out, wondering aloud if all the other ladies are buying what she’s trying to sell or if they believe she’s just there to repair her image.  I’ll take the latter for 500, Chris. Her defense to her poor behavior and regular jabs at the girls is that she was extremely uncomfortable and she didn’t think any of it through. After the commercial break she’s worked up some tears and manages to spill out a lot of blanket apologies. As soon as Chris takes over the conversation to tell her she has said all she can say to the other women, the tears have dried and she says her thanks and goodbye, hops into her limo and drives off.

Side note: What’s up with all the purple tonight?

Ben is welcomed to the stage and he appropriately welcomes Chris to his nightmare. We don’t learn anything new, there is nothing shocking or exciting, just every single girl asking “why did I get sent home? What did I do wrong?” Totally pathetic. Chris doesn’t ask Ben if he’s with someone now, whether he’s engaged, happy, dating…nothing. Hopefully the After the Final Rose episode will be more interesting than this.

Chris says this was an unusually emotional season. Hmmm…seemed quite usual to me. What say you? Who is your pick for the final rose?! Will there be a proposal?

P.S. Maybe my favorite part of this Women Tell All is Manic Monica confronting crazy Blogger Jenna about her breakdown on television, trying to make amends by offering her a tampon of which they will share. “Jenna, will you accept this tampon?”  What was your favorite part?