This week the lady and gents are in Madeira, Portugal. Fancy.  But wait, there’s more than just one lady! Three ladies from Desiree’s season of Bachelor contestanthood — Catherine (Sean‘s fiance), Lesley, and Jackie — have joined Desiree poolside for some girl bonding and gossip about the boys.  With a handful of left, I wonder if Jackie and Lesley are there to scavenge Desiree’s castoffs? Not a bad plan, I’d say. They even brought binoculars to spy on the guys frolicking in the pool.  And that’s the last we see of them for the whole episode. Wonder if ABC footed the bill for those three to get to Madeira. Not worth it, I’d say.  Could’ve handled that in a Skype session. But we find out that Des thinks Drew is the best kisser with the best bod and she’s really looking forward to hopping in the fantasy suite with Chris.

This is the week before Hometown Dates so anyone who stays is really in for it.

One-on-One Date: Brooks — I didn’t catch what the date card actually said, but my guess is something about being on cloud 9…because that’s all that’s said for about 5 minutes straight. 

Desiree picks up Brooks for his second one-on-one date in a Smart Car…way less awesome than her Bentley back at the Bachelorette Mansion.  They take a drive around the island and way up the mountain to sit in the clouds and contemplate how to define their relationship in the in between stages of ‘like’ and ‘love.’

Brooks says he doesn’t have all his puzzle pieces put together yet and Desiree says she likes figuring out if it’s going to work. They get a pretty hot and heavy make out session in whilst “on cloud 9” and cue the yell-from-the-top-of-the-mountain super cheesy sentiment: “we’re on cloud 9!” (I warned you, didn’t I?)

Over dinner they determine that to avoid being grown ups, they should find alternate ways to express their state of relationship and determine that like=walk and run=love.  When Desiree says she’s getting ready to run, Brooks looks like he’s physically getting ready to take off, confessing to the camera that he’s a little behind emotionally. Regardless, he tells Des he wants her to meet his family.  And then the real fireworks start – actual fireworks, not to be confused with the fireworks Des says she feels with Brooks.  This date is just full of cliches and I’m really glad it’s over.

One-on-One Date: Chris “Let’s sea if we can find love here.”

During their day date on a yacht, Chris and Desiree are both extremely pleased to be half naked and lathering each other up with sunscreen, lounging and making out.  Not a bad way to start out, I guess. During the picnic portion of the day, Desiree asks what I think is a good question if you only have a few weeks to decide if you want to marry someone: what would your friends say about you/what are you like with your friends?  Chris kinda fails with his answer, dodging it by saying he’s the same guy that Des sees just a bit less romantic. Okay, clever, I’ll give you that.  But then he ruins it with more poem talk.  Instead of just a plain ol’ message in a bottle, he decides that they’re going to write a poem together and put it in the bottle.  He says that writing poetry with her isn’t awkward…I beg to differ.

All jacked up on a poetry high, Chris giddily tells the camera that if timing is right at tonight’s dinner, he’s going to tell Desiree he loves her.  Their dinner conversation turns to talk about kids (Desiree wants three). When asked about his family, Chris tells Des that what his parents think is very important and they both agree they’d like to meet each others’ families.  Deal sealed for Chris. Now comes the big “L” word, but not without some serious fidgeting and sweat. Clearly nervous, Chris decides what better way to say “I love you” than through a poem, right?  Desiree seems to really like it, which I guess is all that matters but whoa, for me and BFOTBM…that was a lot to handle.  Even if I didn’t have a little baby kicking around in there, my stomach still would’ve been in knots.  At least we get a few minutes to recover as they make out. A lot. Followed by a walk in the park, more making out, and Chris telling the camera that he thinks he’s found the one. He sounds pretty confident too…think he’s the one for her??

One-on-One Date: Michael — “Let’s have fun in Funchal.” (huh?)

It’s Michael’s first one-on-one date with Des (never a good sign at this point) and they spend the afternoon walking around town — you know, the usual Bachelor/Bachelorette foreign-place date…sampling some local fare, trying on jewelry, pointing out interesting locales, finding a place to sit and make out intensely. I don’t quite know how to explain what they do next…she calls it a toboggan. I think it’s like a street sleigh/gondola pushed by two guys in white outfits and hats. Looks fun!

Michael knows tonight is make or break so he opens up about his mom and being estranged from his father, not holding grudges, wanting to be a good husband and father himself.  Desiree seems appreciative of what he’s sharing but she also looks disinterested and bored. I think she even tells him how nice he is at one point. Ouch. I know he’s trying to work up to saying “I love you” (cringe) but the lead up story is about being heartbroken by his last girlfriend so he doesn’t quite get there…it’s not exactly an ideal pouring out of the heart.

Two-on-One Date: Drew & Zak — “I’m looking for a man that can make my heart race!”

According to Des, Zak doesn’t seem himself in groups and Drew doesn’t let loose enough and have fun so she is putting them both in the hot (go kart) seat, testing them on the track with a challenge between the boys. Zak wins but it doesn’t get him anything but some alone time before Drew.  Zak tells Des that this Bachelorette experience has been the best time of his life, which he has chronicled in drawings he’s made for her.  He really has to explain some of them and she’s reacting like he’s a toddler who has some crayon scribbles and she’s the babysitter reaffirming how great they are.  Zak says he and Drew respect each other so he elects not to say “I love you” because he doesn’t want her to have to get back to their two-on-one date and pretend like nothing happened.  Noble of you, sir, but not smart.

During alone time with Des, Drew says that his family is very eager to meet her. He is especially excited for Des to meet his mentally handicapped sister who is unable to communicate through speech. He sweetly asks if Des will accompany him to pick her up when she comes to visit his hometown, to which Des is delighted and moved.  Drew may respect Zak but he sure doesn’t care during his one-on-one time because he definitely let’s out a very sincere “I love you” and she most certainly got the message because they spend the next few minutes passionately making out.  Glowing and smiling ear-to-ear, the pair practically skip arm-in-arm back to Zak who’s patiently waiting like an oaf.

Des gives Drew the rose because she knows for certain that she’d like to meet his family. Sorry, Zak. This show is called The Bachelorette; bros before hoes isn’t valid here.

Roses:

• Drew
• Brooks
• Chris
• Zak

Going Home:   Michael, the prosecutor, who gives some great closing arguments but still gets sent away. For life. Okay, that was a little exaggerated. But he did wish her the best with her life.  Poor guy gets on the phone with his mom to tell her he’s not bringing Des home to meet her and all mom can say is “here we go again…”  Oh, lordy!

Next week: meeting the family with hometown dates, singing, and the return of Desiree’s bad-boy brother.

Barthelona!  My favorite city in the world.  BFOTBM and I love to tell everyone we lived in Barcelona. Because we did. And we tell ’em every chance we can.

Looks like all the men got the memo that this week’s uniform is a zip up hoodie. Geez. Also, like I mentioned, I missed the last two episodes so I appreciated the little recap that everyone is pissed at James because he’s using the show to get famous, hook up with chicks and get into clubs.  I believe it.

One-on-One Date: Drew — “let’s build a foundation for love.”

Desiree scores points for dressing super cute. And Drew is giddy and excited and can’t wait to tell Desiree how excited he is to kiss her. Aww, you’re precious. During their afternoon jaunt about town they stop in at a tapas bar — not to be confused with a topless bar, friends. That would be a whole different kind of show. While there, Drew shares about his admiration for his father, a recovering alcoholic who has cancer.  The emotional moment clearly brings them closer together and they both agree that they’d like for Des to be able to meet his dad.

Drew and Des sit down for a romantic dinner and he’s so wrapped up in the moment that he promptly sneaks her away from the cameras to go make out in an alley.  Apparently he thought the cameras wouldn’t follow?  Hmm…not quite sure. But, either way, it’s super hot. And the bold move shows Des a side she hasn’t yet seen so reserved, shy guy Drew wins the rose. And then more making out.

After he locks in his rose, solidifying his camp in the romantic territory just outside the friend zone, Drew decides to tell Des that James is not here for the right reasons and recalls the conversation he overheard.  And that’s pretty much what you get to hear about for the rest of the episode, so if you’d like, you can skip to the bottom to find out who gets roses and who goes home.

Still with me?

Group Date: Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, Juan Pablo — “Looooooove!” (a la Gooooaaallll!)

I’m super excited to see that the group date is in Sitges. It’s a gorgeous beach town not far from Barcelona.  I’ve been there twice and it’s just lovely.  Absolutely worth the train ride. Even if you’re jam-packed on said train with a bunch of sweaty, gross, non-deodorant-wearing Spaniards and European tourists.  But it’s totally worth it. Also, you should know that I’ve never seen better looking men anywhere in my life than in Sitges.  Gay, mostly, but ridiculously, crazy good looking.  Seriously.  It’s a good spot.

Speaking of good looking…Juan Pablo is feeling confident on the soccer field, scoring on the professional women’s team that Desiree has teamed up with. After about 15 seconds, the buzz of the goal sound is getting kind of annoying. We get it: the girls are good.  And James is the goalie that just stands there and claps when the girls score.  Even Kasey the Zac Efron look-alike isn’t impressed.

At the post-game party, the group is uber tense because everyone wants to duke it out with James. Verbally. He’s huge. No one wants to pick a fight physically.  Side note: Chris seems to be a bit of a goober. Like Bill Nye, the science guy.  With a soul patch. I don’t quite get why Desiree busts out a poem. But, oh, does she.  Bill Nye thinks it’s beautiful.  He even says their love scale is rapidly rising.  Seems like a good fit, you two.

Meanwhile, Zac Efron and Federal Prosecutor guy confront James about his offensive conversation last week with Mikey about his odds of being the next Bachelor and all the fun shenanigans they could get into with other women.  James is not necessarily denying it. Prosecutor informs James that his words sounds more like an audition for Jersey Shore than anything.  James is now super angry…like Hulk status.

Next, Zac Efron approaches Desiree about the whole James situation and as opposed to Drew’s makeout situation to secure himself a seat in the romantic area of the dating pool, I think, sadly, Zac Efron has put himself in the shallow end of the friend zone. Sorry, bud.

When Desiree tells James that she believes what the other guys have told her, his first instinct is to cry. But, he pulls it together long enough to make an argument that it was all Mikey. He even swears on his dad. In fact, the guys are ganging up on him because they’re all threatened by him.  I’m not quite sure how the conversation flips to both of them crying but instead of being mad or telling James to leave, Des just asks to take some time to think about it. Weak.

One-on-One Date: Zak 

For their date, Zak and Desiree are sketching a model and I almost wish the guy would’ve taken off his clothes just to make it interesting. But, I’m pregnant and without wine to make awkward, tense silences bearable, I’m a bit relieved that the most awful thing so far is a drawing Zak does of Desiree.  Wow, that’s ugly.

Zak says he loves art and goes to a lot of museums but, still, when the naked dude does appear on a pedestal in front of him…well, it’s just not his favorite idea of a date, I think.  Mine either. He’s such a good sport and still having so much fun. To liven things up, he changes into a robe himself so that he can get up there in the buff for Desiree to draw him.  He was kind enough to keep on his briefs, but it’s still very impressive…the man looks good with no clothes on.

Their evening dinner is maybe the coolest ever…in a cava cellar/cave. Gosh I miss wine. Zak opens up about the type of guy he is so Desiree can get to know him better. And then they make out a lot, earning him the rose. Zak confesses to the camera that he’s in love with Desiree, and Desiree tells the camera that she’s enamored with his adventuresome side.  I see heartbreak in Zak’s future.

James, in a polite way, asks Drew for his take on this whole situation, which is commendable.  And Drew, like a knight in shining armor and protective boyfriend, is trying with all his might to explain to James why absolutely everything he’s saying is not appropriate for their current situation. Now trying his luck with spinning his story to Desiree, James is talking himself in circles, which seems to be working quite well.  James is smug when he gets back into the room and the guys are still trying to make him see how he’s been disrespectful. It doesn’t work and it all ends with everyone more frustrated than ever.

Roses:

• Drew
• Zak
• Chris, Bill Nye the science guy
• Brooks
• Michael, the Federal Prosecutor

Going Home: Kasey, Juan Pablo, James

Next week: Madeira, helicopter rides, horseback riding, kayaking, fireworks, boat rides, making out beaches, drama with Drew (?), and a lot, a lot of crying.