Barthelona!  My favorite city in the world.  BFOTBM and I love to tell everyone we lived in Barcelona. Because we did. And we tell ’em every chance we can.

Looks like all the men got the memo that this week’s uniform is a zip up hoodie. Geez. Also, like I mentioned, I missed the last two episodes so I appreciated the little recap that everyone is pissed at James because he’s using the show to get famous, hook up with chicks and get into clubs.  I believe it.

One-on-One Date: Drew — “let’s build a foundation for love.”

Desiree scores points for dressing super cute. And Drew is giddy and excited and can’t wait to tell Desiree how excited he is to kiss her. Aww, you’re precious. During their afternoon jaunt about town they stop in at a tapas bar — not to be confused with a topless bar, friends. That would be a whole different kind of show. While there, Drew shares about his admiration for his father, a recovering alcoholic who has cancer.  The emotional moment clearly brings them closer together and they both agree that they’d like for Des to be able to meet his dad.

Drew and Des sit down for a romantic dinner and he’s so wrapped up in the moment that he promptly sneaks her away from the cameras to go make out in an alley.  Apparently he thought the cameras wouldn’t follow?  Hmm…not quite sure. But, either way, it’s super hot. And the bold move shows Des a side she hasn’t yet seen so reserved, shy guy Drew wins the rose. And then more making out.

After he locks in his rose, solidifying his camp in the romantic territory just outside the friend zone, Drew decides to tell Des that James is not here for the right reasons and recalls the conversation he overheard.  And that’s pretty much what you get to hear about for the rest of the episode, so if you’d like, you can skip to the bottom to find out who gets roses and who goes home.

Still with me?

Group Date: Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, Juan Pablo — “Looooooove!” (a la Gooooaaallll!)

I’m super excited to see that the group date is in Sitges. It’s a gorgeous beach town not far from Barcelona.  I’ve been there twice and it’s just lovely.  Absolutely worth the train ride. Even if you’re jam-packed on said train with a bunch of sweaty, gross, non-deodorant-wearing Spaniards and European tourists.  But it’s totally worth it. Also, you should know that I’ve never seen better looking men anywhere in my life than in Sitges.  Gay, mostly, but ridiculously, crazy good looking.  Seriously.  It’s a good spot.

Speaking of good looking…Juan Pablo is feeling confident on the soccer field, scoring on the professional women’s team that Desiree has teamed up with. After about 15 seconds, the buzz of the goal sound is getting kind of annoying. We get it: the girls are good.  And James is the goalie that just stands there and claps when the girls score.  Even Kasey the Zac Efron look-alike isn’t impressed.

At the post-game party, the group is uber tense because everyone wants to duke it out with James. Verbally. He’s huge. No one wants to pick a fight physically.  Side note: Chris seems to be a bit of a goober. Like Bill Nye, the science guy.  With a soul patch. I don’t quite get why Desiree busts out a poem. But, oh, does she.  Bill Nye thinks it’s beautiful.  He even says their love scale is rapidly rising.  Seems like a good fit, you two.

Meanwhile, Zac Efron and Federal Prosecutor guy confront James about his offensive conversation last week with Mikey about his odds of being the next Bachelor and all the fun shenanigans they could get into with other women.  James is not necessarily denying it. Prosecutor informs James that his words sounds more like an audition for Jersey Shore than anything.  James is now super angry…like Hulk status.

Next, Zac Efron approaches Desiree about the whole James situation and as opposed to Drew’s makeout situation to secure himself a seat in the romantic area of the dating pool, I think, sadly, Zac Efron has put himself in the shallow end of the friend zone. Sorry, bud.

When Desiree tells James that she believes what the other guys have told her, his first instinct is to cry. But, he pulls it together long enough to make an argument that it was all Mikey. He even swears on his dad. In fact, the guys are ganging up on him because they’re all threatened by him.  I’m not quite sure how the conversation flips to both of them crying but instead of being mad or telling James to leave, Des just asks to take some time to think about it. Weak.

One-on-One Date: Zak 

For their date, Zak and Desiree are sketching a model and I almost wish the guy would’ve taken off his clothes just to make it interesting. But, I’m pregnant and without wine to make awkward, tense silences bearable, I’m a bit relieved that the most awful thing so far is a drawing Zak does of Desiree.  Wow, that’s ugly.

Zak says he loves art and goes to a lot of museums but, still, when the naked dude does appear on a pedestal in front of him…well, it’s just not his favorite idea of a date, I think.  Mine either. He’s such a good sport and still having so much fun. To liven things up, he changes into a robe himself so that he can get up there in the buff for Desiree to draw him.  He was kind enough to keep on his briefs, but it’s still very impressive…the man looks good with no clothes on.

Their evening dinner is maybe the coolest ever…in a cava cellar/cave. Gosh I miss wine. Zak opens up about the type of guy he is so Desiree can get to know him better. And then they make out a lot, earning him the rose. Zak confesses to the camera that he’s in love with Desiree, and Desiree tells the camera that she’s enamored with his adventuresome side.  I see heartbreak in Zak’s future.

James, in a polite way, asks Drew for his take on this whole situation, which is commendable.  And Drew, like a knight in shining armor and protective boyfriend, is trying with all his might to explain to James why absolutely everything he’s saying is not appropriate for their current situation. Now trying his luck with spinning his story to Desiree, James is talking himself in circles, which seems to be working quite well.  James is smug when he gets back into the room and the guys are still trying to make him see how he’s been disrespectful. It doesn’t work and it all ends with everyone more frustrated than ever.

Roses:

• Drew
• Zak
• Chris, Bill Nye the science guy
• Brooks
• Michael, the Federal Prosecutor

Going Home: Kasey, Juan Pablo, James

Next week: Madeira, helicopter rides, horseback riding, kayaking, fireworks, boat rides, making out beaches, drama with Drew (?), and a lot, a lot of crying.

Group Date: Chris, Ryan, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zack K., Ben — “Love is a battlefield”

The group of fellas gathered, waiting for Desiree’s suitors look fierce. They’re here to play dodgeball!  Yeah!  And these guys are from the National Dodgeball League. Did you know such a thing existed?  I hope someone starts throwing wrenches. “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!”

Someone’s getting hurt, right? You can just totally see that coming.  As soon as the balls start getting thrown…ouch. Looks painful (but very entertaining to watch).  After some serious welts and deflated egos, I’m sure, Chris Harrison saves the boys by announcing they’ll play each other instead of the hardcore pros. I know I’m not the only one a bit disappointed.

The boys suit up, they’ve got the headbands on, short shorts and tube socks pulled high. Awesome.  I love how serious it gets. After a short while, it’s down to Chris and Drew…and blue team wins. Yay! Except, it’s best of three and next thing we know, the red team wins round two.  At the start of the last round, Brooks goes down with an injury and all we see is a bloody hand as he’s whisked away to the hospital. Now it’s down to Chris and Zack, the two pro baseball players…it’s intense. Zack nails Chris and is thus hailed a hero. (read: lots of man hugging and dog piling).

Winners get an after party but Desiree declares them all to be winners so just like AYSO soccer, everyone gets to play. Except Brooks who is at the hospital all by his lonesome.

Brad pulls Desiree away for some one-on-one time to share that he has a three-year-old son named Maddox. His mom and brother help him raise his son. He says the relationship with the mom was uber bad. Like drinking problem, Brad getting slapped with a domestic violence arrest and restraining order (which was all dismissed..whew!).  Not pretty.  But, hey, he seems normal despite the fact that he chose to procreate with a crazy lady. Let’s hope his taste has improved.

Chris surprises Desiree with a walk up to the roof where they get a great view,good conversation, giggling, they’re dangling their feet over the ledge…so romantic, right? But the dude totally fails to go in for the kiss.  Chris thinks he’s totally got the rose on lock but uh oh, who arrives at the last minute?  Brooks!! What a champ!  He looks a little drugged and he’s still in his sexy sport attire (which reminds me even more of Russell Brand for some reason) but he still gets a kiss for getting injured.  Whatever works, bud.  Every broken bone should come with a good story. Later I’m just as surprised as Brooks is pissed that he broke a finger and didn’t get the rose because Chris was right and he won the rose!

Not just a rose winner, Chris gets extra time with Desiree and a private concert by Kate Earl.  And they dance and kiss and sway and smile as all the other guys get to look on in a jealous rage.

One-on-One Date: Kasey — “Love defies gravity”

Before her date, Chris Harrison calls with “bizarre” news about one of the guys so she hops in her Bentley and cruises on over to the mansion to lay into Brian, who apparently has a girlfriend back home.  But wait!  She’s not back home…she’s here!

Best tweet of the night: “It’s never good when Chris Harrison shows up without a date card or a butter knife.”

Girlfriend’s name is Stephanie and he says their relationship was in the past but she said that he invited her to come to California with him, she has a son, they were together the day before he came for The Bachelorette. In fact, even as he denies everything he’s calling her “babe.”  Oh, and apparently they just slept together two nights before he came on the show.  I really wish with every fiber of my being that Desiree would just excuse herself to go have a good time on her date and let these dramatic folks deal with their own horrible lives.  The guys inside looking on are right: “this is stressful.” The best part is when Stephanie just looks over at Desiree and pretty much says “he’s not an honest guy.”  Yeah, got that, thanks.

Kasey has a great attitude about hoping to turn her day around.  I like him already.

“If the lady says she wants to dance on the side of the building, we’ll dance on the side of the building.” — Kasey, a smart man.

I love that he’s being super cute and supportive, encouraging her and telling her how good she’s doing. Just darling.

Their dinner is set atop the same building they spent the afternoon dancing on…and gnarly wind kicks in ruining their intimate conversation, knocking over candles.  So, hey, like I always say: when in doubt, get in the pool.  So they jump in…except, it’s freezing. Ha!  That’s the worst. So, really, what I always say is: when in doubt, just make out. So they do some of that too.

Winning more totally cute points, Kasey assures her that their date needn’t be perfect, he just likes spending time with her.  Desiree heads back into the treacherous winds to retrieve the rose for him.

Group Date: James, Bryden, Zak W., Juan Pablo, Dan — “Who’s the lone man standing?”

Instead of Desiree’s Bentley, a horse-drawn stagecoach is there to take the fellas to their group date. Their group date they’ll be working with the stunt coordinators for the new movie The Lone Ranger.  Very cool. The boys go through cowboy boot camp learning how to gun sling, lasso, and fight.  During their cowboy competition, Dan’s pants rip. That’s funny.  Also, Juan Pablo, the Spanish cowboy…totally pulls it off.  Super hot. He wins. As the winner, he gets a private screening in a barn of The Lone Ranger with Des.  And like any date with a sexy foreign cowboy, Desiree and Juan Pablo spend most of the movie in a steamy liplock session. I think he’ll stick around for just that reason.

P.S. How hot is Armie Hammer?  Whoa.

Later on:

• Desiree gets a bit impatient with Bryden and has to help guide his way to kissing.  But hey, once they’re there, he thinks it’s awesome.
• Zak W. seems like too much of a jokester for Desiree to take seriously. He has to apologize for what sounds like an awful failed kiss attempt earlier in the day. We don’t see a redemption there but whatever. He’s intense and probably going home soon.
• James seems maybe a little too enamored with Desiree but he’s sweet. He shares that he’s worried about his sick dad back home but he’s really trying to submerge himself in the experience with Desiree. He wants Desiree to tell him that she’s interested so he’ll feel like his time away from his dad is worth it. He comes off a bit insecure but Desiree is smitten with his big guy, big heart softy side. All she can think to do is to show James that she’s serious by giving him a rose, proving she wants to get to know him more.  And just the cutest thing ever: when she presents him with a rose, he offers her a daisy he picked. Aww, you’re cute, big fella.

Pool Party

Instead of a cocktail party, Des is coming over for a dip in the pool.  Ben decides to meet Desiree in the driveway for a quick getaway. The other boys at the pool party are sad watching Des and Ben drive up kissing in that car. I think all is forgiven when Desiree gets in her bikini.  Except, Mikey is pissed again when Ben lies about getting one-on-one time…so once again, he confronts Ben. Michael comes too. And lawyer man profoundly declares that he and Ben are not going to be friends. Ben does not seem sad about this.

I get the pillow out to cover my eyes and ears when Brandon pulls her aside because I’m just so worried about him breaking into tears. I feel a restraining order coming on.  The whole conversation escalated really quickly.  You didn’t mishear it: he definitely did just tell her that he’s falling in love with her. And went in very abruptly for a kiss. And all she can do is laugh because, yes, this is her life and this really is happening.  I hope she doesn’t give him a rose tonight because I just don’t think I can handle this for any more episodes.

Rose Ceremony

• Chris
• Kasey
• James, the big softie
• Bryden with the Lloyd Christmas haircut
• Juan Pablo, the sexy Spaniard
• Zak W.
• Brooks with the broken finger
• Drew
• Zack K., dodgeball champ
• Brad the dad
• Michael G.
• Mikey
• Ben

Going home: Brandon (thank goodness…gotta nip that in the rosebud – pun intended) and Dan. Dan says a classy goodbye but Brandon is really upset and heartbroken. Gosh, can you imagine how that could have escalated in just one more week?  Eek. Bullet dodged. But, Des is trying to be nice and walks after him but he’s already crying and angry and she’s trying to let him down nicely but it’s not helping.  She just keeps apologizing and he just keeps feeling abandoned.  Seriously, they need to reconsider keeping therapist on full time for this show.  Oh yeah, and I’ve already forgotten about Brian and his girlfriend who are probably causing a ruckus working their way toward angry hate sex when they both get back home.

Next week: Atlantic City, carnival games, sand castles, helicopter rides, concerts, lots of making out, a Mr. America pageant, and more Ben controversy.

P.S. The cowboy scene outtakes where the guys are teaching Juan Pablo how to talk in cowboy is hilarious.