Friends, hello! Welcome to this new season of The Bachelorette! As I’ve said before, I’m really looking forward to this season with Emily because, well, let’s face it, she’s crazy gorgeous and has a darling southern accent which is sure to mean some ridiculously good lookin’ fellas chasing after her. Are you excited about Emily as The Bachelorette? It’s not surprising, seeing as she was such a big fan favorite but it’s also hard to forget the two-faced personality rumors we see swirling the blogosphere and tabloids. And also her lackluster dates with Brad…they weren’t exactly conversation heavy or emotion filled. Well, despite the fact that last night’s episode did not air until 9:30pm (take note Bachelor people: working ladies who love wine tend to adore sleep, especially on Mondays. How about an 8pm timeslot, huh? Mmkay, good talk. Thanks.) I was still eager. So, here we go!
The intro to this season is exactly what you’d expect – Emily looking lovely and polished, doting on daughter Ricki, retelling her tragic story of love lost via plane crash then found via daughter then lost via loneliness after 7pm when said daughter goes to bed, then found on The Bachelor only to be lost again due to a violent temper. Still with me? Perhaps the most entertaining part of all of this for me is that Emily is 26 (wow, that’s still surprising, right?) and has been engaged twice but she still fiercely proclaims that “being engaged is something that’s really special and should be saved for the person you’re going to marry.” [yes, Emily, hence, the meaning of engaged to be married. Where is Chris Harrison when you need him to explain something?]
Chris says this season is unlike any other but so far it’s only different because
a) it’s in Charlotte instead of LA and
b) they’ve never had a single mom Bachelorette. [apparently single dad Jason Mesnick was nothing like this season.]
Here’s what we know about the men from their intro videos, just-out-of-the-limo greetings, and cocktail hour time:
- Kalon – for a split second appears to be a James Franco/Jude Law lookalike, a self-proclaimed modern southern gentleman who rightly pisses everyone off when he arrives via helicopter. Even Emily shows a bit of humor throwing in a line about “being blown away” by the guys.
- Ryan — former NFL player, mentors kids, has a darling dog.
- Tony — He’s a single dad who is super buff and divorced. I think I’ll call him Guipetto. He sells wood and apparently likes fairy tales – he brought a glass Cinderella slipper.
- Lerone — lives in LA with a little pup, likes to run. Says Emily being a single mom is the sexiest thing about her, which really creeps me out. (Also, he’s quite apparently one of three token non-caucasian guys thrown in the mix so ABC can avoid further lawsuits about discrimination. Read this article: “Emily Maynard in room full of suitors. The main thing missing? Minorities.“)
- David — singer/songwriter (ugh…we see a serenade session coming soon…more wine, please!). To our gathered group, this guy looks like a poor woman’s Jesse Katsopolis.
- Charlie — survived an accident but sustained a serious brain injury, has a dog, reevaluating life and looks like a serious contender.
- Jef — with one ‘f’, a young Marty McFly-esque skateboarder, CEO/co-founder of People Water (normally I wouldn’t like to a site for self-promotion of a contestant, but it’s a charity so have at it) , from Utah
- Arie — sexy race car driver. Ooh. Ouch. Too soon? We findout when he tells Emily to get it all out in the open. She’s touched he thought to bring it up so soon and not long after she’s pondering just how good he’d look behind the wheel.
- First out of the limo is Sean with swagger. A saunter, if you will. I don’t have much else for you on that one, sorry.
- Doug — charity director from Seattle. He’s a hugger with an 11-year-old boy who wrote Emily a cute little letter. Smooth.
- Jackson — a fitness model. Got down on one knee right away and Emily is not impressed. Dude, she’s been engaged twice already…not original. And to further prove he’s an all-around cliche he quotes: “life is not measured by the breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away.” Goodbye, Jackson.
- Joe — Field energy advisor from LA. Reminds me of Jesse, the snowboarder that won Deanna’s season. Also looks like he’s had his hair pulled back in a headband for quite some time, like teeny bopper guy on the voice that really bugged me. Or maybe James Van Der Beek.
- Kyle – anyone remember anything about this guy?
- Chris – brings up God pretty quickly which I think scores points pretty quickly with Emily. Plus, he seems like a romantic, having asked his parents for advice before the show.
- Aaron — biology teacher that wants to have chemistry with Emily.
- Alessandro — from brazil. Eww.
- Stevie — party MC. Double eww.
- Granny gets out of the limo. It’s Randy, a marketing manager from Hermosa. Goodbye, Randy.
- Nate — A vague “account executive” from LA who Emily thinks is so cute she almost swoons as he walks away.
- Brent — wore a name tag to make it easy. Thanks.
- John “Wolf” – a data destruction specialist. That sounds hardcore. I hope he goes by Wolf all season, however short a time that may be.
- Travis – this guy shows up with an egg. A big one. Dragon egg style like in Harry Potter (which scores points with me and BFOTB). It’s a symbol of Emily and Ricki and how he’s gonna take care of the egg like he would them. You know, like a 7th grade science project.
- Michael — Rehab counselor. Looks cute but his hair is long and stringy a la Ashton Kutcher.
- Jean-Paul — marine biologist. Who does this guy look like? It’s killing me that I can’t figure it out…
- Alejandro — Latin lover from Columbia who wins Emily over with words which she can’t understand.
- First impression rose: Doug
- John “Wolf”
- Stevie (woof)
I can’t remember who he is exactly because I thought he was kidding the first time he said it, but one guy was 41 with 6 kids. He did not get a rose. Clearly.
Highlights from the upcoming season: castles, archery, kilts, kissing, sailing, sightseeing, beaches, Emily tells someone to “get the f&$! out?” (my gosh, I cannot wait to see this episode!), lots of guys crying (gonna need to stock up on wine for that!), Dolly Parton, and of course, lots o’ drama.
We pick Ryan and Arie for the final two. Who are your favorites? Think Engagement #3 is in store for Emily at the end of this season?