Monthly Archives: June 2011

The Bachelorette Recap episode 3, season 7

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

Wow, what a show.  It’s hard to believe we’re only in episode 3 (let alone only in the second week of Ashley knowing these guys) and already the tears are flowing, biggest insecurities are being realized, hearts are breaking, and our villain is going home – so soon!.  [pssssttt…i heard a rumor that he’ll be back!!]  Maybe ABC wasn’t so crazy last season hiring that therapist to make regular house calls.  They oughta think about hiring that guy full time on call.  Here’s how it all happened:

The first one-on-one date was with Ben C, the french lawyer, nay flash mob dancer! Ashley takes Ben to a dance studio to learn the dance moves she’s choreographed for a secret flash mob dance (which immediately made us think of this awesome commercial – speaking of which, AT&T is really spot on with brilliant commercials lately – my other favorite is this one) she has planned at The Americana at Brand, a lovely outdoor shopping mall.  Ben is smitten with Ashley having seen her in the dance studio where she’s so comfortable, confident and sexy (oh, Benny Boop, just wait until later when the insecure Ashley resurfaces!).  Whilst they’re lounging in the grass in the middle of the shopping center, random passersby all with their phones out to snap photos of the darling couple, Ashley states that she’d really like to do their dance. Right now.  Ben. Is. Freaked.  But, all in the name of love, right?  He gets up and rocks that dance and soon notices that the gawkers are now joining in too.  Here’s my version of what’s going on in Boring Ben’s mind strictly interpreted via eyebrow movements and anxiety in the eyes:  “Wait, how do they know this dance?  Does everyone know this dance and I only just learned it?  Oh…oh, I see what’s going on here – this here was planned!  Ashley, you trickster!” Now Ben is having fun.  My favorite part is when the dance has ended and everyone just walks away nonchalantly like nothing happened.  Not even a hug it out, high five or “good job, bro.”  Other than that, the BFOTB and I decide that we NEED to be part of a flash mob.  Heidi’s gonna come (Note: Heidi and BFOTB Ashley are big fans of the choreographed dance having created and performed a marvelous one at the wedding of yours truly and Mumbles.  It was thoroughly enjoyed by all.)  and you can come too – “bring your green hat!” Flash Mob America – write that down. 

Next part of this date is a live performance by the Far East Movement.  The Bachelorette and her lawyerman (who BFOTB thinks looks just like the bad guy/backstabbing friend Carl from Ghost, right?!) have a nice little kiss in the crowd to the background of a collective “awww…”

Ben from The Bachelorette & Carl from Ghost

Ben explains his unrealistic views about love to Ashley: “I want to live in an idealistic bubble where we believe we are more in love than any other couple. Ever.”  That’s intense.  He softens that up a bit by saying he’d like to go on a second date with her. She gives him the rose and then they suck face for a while.

Group Date: Ames, Ben F., Mike, Blake, Jeff the Phantom, Lucas, Nick, Ryan, Wills & Bentley – “Make me laugh”

Phantom Jeff is perched on his balcony and today is the day the mask is coming off.  The unveiling is quite underwhelming but entertaining too. A) because I already know what he looks like and B) He’s not attractive nor does he have any jarring facial disfigurements to have really warranted the “get to know me without my looks” phase for so long and C) I realize he’s had that mask custom made to fit his face/large nose.  Ashley, too, is disappointed when she only says “He’s a lot older than I thought he was.” Not a good sign.  Blake says it best comparing it to “when someone tells you ‘I got a surprise’ and you open up the present and there’s not much there.” Well said, sir.

The large group heads to a comedy club to meet with Jeffrey Ross, the Roastmaster.  And everything goes south from here.  In front of a sold out house, all these guys are going to be tearing Ashley apart.  Not a brilliant idea of a date for such an insecure lad.  We learn Wills’ life aspiration is to become a comedian so he’s using this like an audition. Lucas the oilman has a good plan – play it safe. Best to not impress than to offend.  Smart man. My favorite line was naming Phantom Jeff as Zorro’s unemployed brother.  For someone who has only spoken about 10 words to Ashley and just revealed his face, he gets ballsy and makes a rude comment about her small breasts.  One of the guys said it was like “Whoop, here’s my face; you have small titties.”  Inappropriate. Bentley, ever the chivalrous man he is, defends Ashley’s small boobies because she has the butt to make up for it.  Class act, that guy.  Wills gets his shot at glory to impress the Roastmaster and completely bombs, telling the crowd how disappointed he was to find Ashley as the new Bachelorette instead of Chantal or Emily.  Bentley is surprised Wills said that out loud…he’s been thinking it all along, too, but just couldn’t believe Wills actually said it.  The audience is silent. Not even the crickets are chiming in.  Whoa, awkward.  After the show, Ashley quickly exits the stage and finds a dark corner to cry in.  Bentley uses the opportunity to mess with her head and console her.  Meant to sound like a reassuring compliment he says, “Of 25 guys, I can promise you 24 were really excited it was you.”

Of all the guys, Wills is the one that almost married Ashley on date 1 so she was most hurt that he would say those things at her expense. Instead of trying to make it up to her he just quits and tells her to go talk to the other guys, even saying that he’d go home to pack.  He leaves the party to go brood on a bench somewhere and then wait….he’s running! We were hoping at this point for him to come storming in out of breath but instead he apparently just ran back to sulk on a stairwell closer to her. 

Ryan comes to the rescue all sweet and sugary, telling her that she is exactly who he wanted to be there. He finishes by throwing in a “you’re gorgeous” and a nice long kiss.  Just what the dentist ordered!

Ashley gets some alone time with Bentley and confesses that she received warnings about his intentions prior to their meeting.  Bentley correctly guesses that these warnings came from [crazy] Michelle Money from Brad’s season.  Apparently, according to Michelle, Bentley was coming on the show to promote his business and would only stick around a few weeks.  Bentley’s job occupation title reads “Businessman.”  (As in “Excuse me, do you have any businesswomen’s specials?”…movie title anyone? anyone?!)  Ashley makes it known to Bentley that if he leaves it would be harder for her than anything she went through last season.  Bentley says they’re both on the same page. [Liar] “Definitely feelin’ some feelings.” [Insert evil grin] Ashley says she’s falling in love with Bentley right on time for Bentley to declare in his confessional that he doesn’t want to be here anymore.  The next morning he’s packing his bags and Phantom Mask-less Jeff is quite the counselor asking Bentley if he’s sure he has to go, prompting him further by telling him (as if he didn’t know) that he’s a front runner and Ashley likes him more than all the other guys.  There’s that evil grin again. Bentley is quite pleased he’s played everyone. 

My favorite quote: “I’m gonna make Ashley cry; I hope my hair looks okay.”  I’m seriously starting to wonder if this guy isn’t Michelle Money’s ex-husband.  What a pair!

After calling Ashley an ugly duckling (not to her face, of course) compared to Emily, he concocts a story about missing his daughter (Cozy) and being consumed by worry that she’s missing him and asking about him. I imagine Cozy’s mother has already had a version of this conversation with her daughter that goes something like this “Oh, he’s off in Hollywood breaking some girl’s heart on national television, Cozy, that’s where daddy is right now. But don’t you worry, sweetie, it won’t take that long. He’ll be back before you know it!”  Bentley is annoyed beyond belief at all the tears and hugging and crying and kissing he’s having to put up with right now.  He gets a little more interested when Ashley straddles him, legs around his waist noting “something good could happen right now [read: sex]…but I’m not into her.” He demands that Ashley leave a “dot dot dot” [an open loophole for him to return to cause more mischief later this season, I presume]. She’s hopeful. He leaves with one last touch of the glass that separates them and then Ashley retreats under the covers and sobs into her pillows.  A lot.

That night she’s got a romantic dinner at home date lined up with JP.  Frankly, she looks like hell because she’s been crying all day.  Ever the gentleman, he brings flowers and tells her how beautiful she looks.  He’s quite the looker, this one.  BFOTB has narrowed him down to a cross between Joseph Gordon Levitt and Heath Ledger.  Sure. He’s pretty.  And, also very understanding that she’s had a rough few days so he asks her if she’s okay and then transitions to making the night about them, all while making sure she’s comfortable.  So comfortable, in fact, that they both change into their pajamas.  PJ’s with JP!  Cute. Ashley is thankful that JP let her be herself and have a bad day.  They have some romantic kissing moments on the plush bear skin rug and she’s mesmerized for a little while.

Cocktail party comes around and Ashley is back to being devastated.  She thought Bentley was going to be her husband and now is at a loss for how to continue being the Bachelorette.  Broken hearted, she’s talking to Chris Harrison and I actually like the role he’s playing for once, trying to help her navigate through the Bentley crap.  See, no need to hire a therapist if Chris Harrison does his job right!  Chris asks if she was just attracted to Bentley because he was forbidden from the beginning.  Doing his best, he’s trying to steer her away from Bentley, letting her down easy with the honest truth that there is no dot dot dot and that if Bentley really was a good guy and wanted to be there, he would have said he was coming back.  Also a nice time to remind her that there are plenty of other good looking fellas in the other room dying to see her.  She could care less and opts to skip the cocktail party and get to sending some guys packing. 

Rose Ceremony:
Boring Ben C., the bad guy from Ghost
Ryan P, the solar energy specials (received the group date rose for his good kissin’ and consoling skills)
JP (received a one-on-one date rose on a bear skin rug by the fire)
Constantine
West
Mickey
Ben F.
Blake, the dentist
Nick
Ames
Lucas, the oilman
Wills (kind of a shocker, but hey, masked man had to go!)

The Phantom Jeff burns his mask in the fire.  I’m almost a little sad because I feel like he probably spent some cash on having that custom made for the show.  Maybe he’s writing a research paper about awkward social situations.

Next week: Thailand, elephants, kayaking, boat rides, man claws, and everyone hates Ryan P.

P.S.  The clip at the end of the show of the masked man on the toilet looking through the classified ads in the paper to find a car or a boat is hilarious.  All this is happening whilst Bentley does his hair.  “The boat doesn’t have an engine or a steering wheel – think it’s worth it? …it’s only a hundred bucks!” …end scene.

The Bachelorette Recap episode 2, season 7

Posted in The Bachelor/Bachelorette Recaps by

Well, friends, sorry to keep you waiting on this week’s recap.  The holiday weekend threw me off a bit, and then when I finally sat down to watch it at home, found that it hadn’t recorded! eek!  So, let’s jump right in, shall we?

The very first one-on-one date: “William, wanna make a splash in Vegas?   I do.  Love, Ashley.” One sexy car and a private plane ride later and Ashley and William arrive in Vegas…to taste wedding cake. Seriously, how disappointed would you be if you were this guy?  No gambling, no dancing, no pools and bikinis, no show…just visibly sweating at the prospect of picking out wedding cake flavors. Total let down.  He’s red in the face even more than before as they walk in a jewelry store to look at engagement rings. Wait a minute…! Next, it’s clammy hands as the ring store lady tries a wedding band on his ring finger. Ashley and Wills walk hand-in-hand, one with a nervous grin, the other a sly smile as they enter a little wedding chapel.  Vegas wedding appropriate, Ashley is already wearing a white mini dress.  She walks down the aisle one step at a time. This has escalated rather quickly. Wills interrupts because things don’t just look right – he’s got it – she needs a bouquet! So, he comes to the rescue handing her a vase full of flowers sitting nearby.  Just darling.  When the prompt comes from the minister (seriously, they couldn’t even get Elvis?!), Wills says “I do.” It’s a game of chicken gone terribly awry as Ashley is shocked he went through with it and then its extremely awkward when she has to say a version of “I don’t… right now…maybe later.”  Nevertheless, the minister gives Wills permission to kiss his “almost bride.” And they do. Ashley says it’s the most romantic date ever and that she’s already falling for Wills after half of a date.

After that sham of a marriage (well, at least she got that out of the way), Ashley tells Wills that they’re doing something no one has ever done before – having dinner in the middle of the water of the Bellagio fountains.  No one has done it yet, but I can’t wait to see how much they start charging now. 

Ever the salesman, Wills talks himself up in a self-depricating sort of way letting her know “I’m not a lawyer, I’m not a doctor, I don’t save lives…I bring communication to people.”  Well said, sir. Probably the best way you could have said that you’re a cell phone salesman.  Wills shares his story about his family and his father, an alcoholic who died, and how he wears the watch that stopped at the time his dad died until this day as a reminder to not let his time go by. Ashley shares that her father, too, is an alcoholic, and now she’s feeling even closer to him than she did after almost marrying him.  Ashley tells Wills that she sees everything in him – they have a sweet kiss, he’s giddy.  “I’m gonna do everything I can to make you this happy” was a cute line but it went a little overboard with “my heart/love/something mushy went higher than those fountains.”

The next date card arrives.  Constantine, Ryan M, Chris, Ben F, Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt, and Ames are all headed on a group date that says “In Sin City, boys will be boys.”  Ryan, Mickey, Ben C, Phantom, and JP are the only men not going to Vegas…yet.  Well, we presume some will be left out of course.  My bet is on Phantom, although, masks in Vegas wouldn’t be out of the ordinary, I guess.  Ashley takes the huge group of guys to see the Jabbawockeez perform. They are split into two teams that must perform then compete against each other – the winning team staying to spend time with Ashley and rehearse with the dance crew for a live show.  The two teams, “The Best Men” and “No Rhythm Nation,” choreograph their own dance routines – one emulating a rose ceremony, the other a wedding ceremony…two things Bentley could care less about. 

The Best Men crew was sent home back to the mansion to pout while No Rhythm Nation gets to perform on stage, fulfilling the need for their huge egos to hear the sounds of a roaring crowd cheering them on (albeit not really for them, but I guess it still counts).  After a successful show, they have a  party and Ashley spends one-on-one time with each guy.

  • She bonds with Blake over their shared profession.
  • West tells Ashley that he was married and his wife died.  West appreciates that Ashley responded as well as she did.
  • Bentley recognizes competition, notes in detail Ashley’s attractive body parts and says something inappropriate about something she could do that would be “amazing.” Ugh.  
  • Ashley tells Bentley to stay if he feels something for her because she feels something for him. She starts begging. It’s embarrassing. Bentley is bored. So am I.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion Wills jokes with the other guys that his fiancé went out with 12 other guys, they’ve already picked out rings and a wedding cake.

In Vegas, Ashley gives Bentley the group date rose.  Eww.  Clearly enthused, he asks, “can we just bag this and go play blackjack?” But of course, not to her face.

The final date card for this episode says “Love is a gamble…I’ll see one of you in Vegas.”  And it’s a coin toss to see who is going on a one-on-one to see Ashley in Vegas.

Mickey [possibly evil], the chef, is the victor.  He flies to Vegas to meet her and Ashley looks super cute greeting him at the airport in her shiny blouse and white blazer.  Ashley thinks Mickey is gorgeous (better looking than she is, even) and I agree.  To continue the gambling theme, she decides to use a coin to decide everything for their date.  Red or white? I go, you go. They are at Aureole, a restaurant with really awesome tall wine cellar where you have to harness yourself up to get the wine you want.  Looks fun!  Another flip of the coin to answer questions and the first thing he asks “when was the last time you cried?” and she says that it was while she was watching last season and hearing all the criticism. 

Meanwhile, back at the mansion – some guy I don’t know/can’t remember says about Phantom,“You’ve got a mask on to concentrate on personality…but if all he’s going on is personality, well, he’s going home.”  True.

Mickey cleans up but Ashley doesn’t change.  For a lady who just confessed your date looks better than you, I was really expecting a wardrobe change, although I did like the outfit.  They walk into a really awesome strip-view suite for dinner. Mickey says his mother died six years ago – sounds like he was a big momma’s boy, too, which Ashley loves.  Mickey says his mother’s death had a positive impact on his life because of the amazing woman she was, and the person she has inspired him to become. 

JP is pissed off he lost a date on a coin toss.  Get over it.

Ashley is holding a rose in her hands and tells Mickey she likes him but she doesn’t know how she is feeling so she says she wants to flip a coin to see if he’ll get a rose or not.  Mickey is sweating a little bit but she says she was going to give it to him anyway.  Mickey asks to keep the coin, along with the rose.

Ashley wanted to walk on the beach (what girl on a first date or taking her engagement photos doesn’t?) so they take a romantic stroll on the beach of the Mandalay Bay and out of nowhere music starts and Colbie Caillat is singing and Ashley and Mickey have a little kiss fest.  Mickey says he hopes it’s the last first date he ever goes on.  Ashley says it was a perfect night. 

JP pulls Ashley away the second the glasses clink at the cocktail party.  JP pulls a coin out of his pocket and says he wants a kiss so he flips it, gets his kiss and Ashley promises that they’ll have more good times in the future.  There ya go, whiner.

Matthew McConaughey teaches Ashley some country line dance moves and then Wills (whom the men have affectionately dubbed Ding Dong) sneaks in and the men were pissed because he already has a rose.  Ashley and Wills both gush over how perfect their date was, then they kiss and creepy Phantom prowls around the house sulking, preparing to reveal himself.

Phantom corners the Bachelorette in the stairwell, full of shadows and eerie awkwardness. He starts listing off his life stats – his age, his medical chart, his divorcee status, the fact that he doesn’t take life for granted, and…wah la…the unveiling is interrupted when Matt strolls in to steal her away.  Haha…best producer intervene ever!

The other men wonder and poke fun at Phantom by asking “How are you going to feel knowing she never even saw your face?” haha!

Ben C, the square jaw lawyer who is trying to be a jokester.  I don’t think I like him but it’s hard to tell.  

Bentley says he would rather swim in pee than plan a wedding with Ashley because she’s not his type… but he’s competitive so when he realizes that all the other guys have had kisses he storms in to find her, picks her up and carries her down to the fireplace to claim his victory.  Ashley says it was like a fairybook romance but Bentley proclaims it an “okay kiss that got worse at the end.” Sounds like love to me.

“I’d be lying to everyone if I said I’m in this until the end. There’s no way I’m lasting until the end.” [duh. And you’re not leaving without some huge blow up scandal]  – Bentley, the bad boy.

Rose Ceremony:

  • Wills, the impersonator
  • Bentley, the bad boy
  • Mickey, possibly not evil
  • West, the widower
  • Constantine, the restaurant owner
  • Ryan P, the Solar Energy Specialist
  • Ben C, the romantic lawyer
  • Nick, the Matthew Mcconaughey wannabe
  • Ames, the Ivy Leaguer
  • Lucas, the Texas Oil Man
  • Jeff, the Phantom
  • JP, the coin toss kisser
  • Chris
  • Ben F, the winemaker
  • Blake, the dentist

The Rejects (all from The Best Men crew, coincidentally):

  • The guy that called his mom in the first episode calls his mom again after getting sent home and asks her to pick him up at the airport, give him some love and make him French toast.  That was cute. Maybe a little too “Maaa, the meatloaf!!” but makes for good tv nonetheless.
  • Stephen the hairstylist seems normal in his exit interview – sad to see the normal ones go. 
  • Ryan M., seems cute and very sad to be going home. Also seems a little too grounded in reality…better luck in the real world, bud.

Next week: a flash mob and concert of some sort, Bentley determined to make Ashley cry, a broken heart hiding under covers while Bentley proclaims victory for “doing something that’s never been done before.” Blech. Good riddance.

Cheers!