This week the lady and gents are in Madeira, Portugal. Fancy.  But wait, there’s more than just one lady! Three ladies from Desiree’s season of Bachelor contestanthood — Catherine (Sean‘s fiance), Lesley, and Jackie — have joined Desiree poolside for some girl bonding and gossip about the boys.  With a handful of left, I wonder if Jackie and Lesley are there to scavenge Desiree’s castoffs? Not a bad plan, I’d say. They even brought binoculars to spy on the guys frolicking in the pool.  And that’s the last we see of them for the whole episode. Wonder if ABC footed the bill for those three to get to Madeira. Not worth it, I’d say.  Could’ve handled that in a Skype session. But we find out that Des thinks Drew is the best kisser with the best bod and she’s really looking forward to hopping in the fantasy suite with Chris.

This is the week before Hometown Dates so anyone who stays is really in for it.

One-on-One Date: Brooks — I didn’t catch what the date card actually said, but my guess is something about being on cloud 9…because that’s all that’s said for about 5 minutes straight. 

Desiree picks up Brooks for his second one-on-one date in a Smart Car…way less awesome than her Bentley back at the Bachelorette Mansion.  They take a drive around the island and way up the mountain to sit in the clouds and contemplate how to define their relationship in the in between stages of ‘like’ and ‘love.’

Brooks says he doesn’t have all his puzzle pieces put together yet and Desiree says she likes figuring out if it’s going to work. They get a pretty hot and heavy make out session in whilst “on cloud 9” and cue the yell-from-the-top-of-the-mountain super cheesy sentiment: “we’re on cloud 9!” (I warned you, didn’t I?)

Over dinner they determine that to avoid being grown ups, they should find alternate ways to express their state of relationship and determine that like=walk and run=love.  When Desiree says she’s getting ready to run, Brooks looks like he’s physically getting ready to take off, confessing to the camera that he’s a little behind emotionally. Regardless, he tells Des he wants her to meet his family.  And then the real fireworks start – actual fireworks, not to be confused with the fireworks Des says she feels with Brooks.  This date is just full of cliches and I’m really glad it’s over.

One-on-One Date: Chris “Let’s sea if we can find love here.”

During their day date on a yacht, Chris and Desiree are both extremely pleased to be half naked and lathering each other up with sunscreen, lounging and making out.  Not a bad way to start out, I guess. During the picnic portion of the day, Desiree asks what I think is a good question if you only have a few weeks to decide if you want to marry someone: what would your friends say about you/what are you like with your friends?  Chris kinda fails with his answer, dodging it by saying he’s the same guy that Des sees just a bit less romantic. Okay, clever, I’ll give you that.  But then he ruins it with more poem talk.  Instead of just a plain ol’ message in a bottle, he decides that they’re going to write a poem together and put it in the bottle.  He says that writing poetry with her isn’t awkward…I beg to differ.

All jacked up on a poetry high, Chris giddily tells the camera that if timing is right at tonight’s dinner, he’s going to tell Desiree he loves her.  Their dinner conversation turns to talk about kids (Desiree wants three). When asked about his family, Chris tells Des that what his parents think is very important and they both agree they’d like to meet each others’ families.  Deal sealed for Chris. Now comes the big “L” word, but not without some serious fidgeting and sweat. Clearly nervous, Chris decides what better way to say “I love you” than through a poem, right?  Desiree seems to really like it, which I guess is all that matters but whoa, for me and BFOTBM…that was a lot to handle.  Even if I didn’t have a little baby kicking around in there, my stomach still would’ve been in knots.  At least we get a few minutes to recover as they make out. A lot. Followed by a walk in the park, more making out, and Chris telling the camera that he thinks he’s found the one. He sounds pretty confident too…think he’s the one for her??

One-on-One Date: Michael — “Let’s have fun in Funchal.” (huh?)

It’s Michael’s first one-on-one date with Des (never a good sign at this point) and they spend the afternoon walking around town — you know, the usual Bachelor/Bachelorette foreign-place date…sampling some local fare, trying on jewelry, pointing out interesting locales, finding a place to sit and make out intensely. I don’t quite know how to explain what they do next…she calls it a toboggan. I think it’s like a street sleigh/gondola pushed by two guys in white outfits and hats. Looks fun!

Michael knows tonight is make or break so he opens up about his mom and being estranged from his father, not holding grudges, wanting to be a good husband and father himself.  Desiree seems appreciative of what he’s sharing but she also looks disinterested and bored. I think she even tells him how nice he is at one point. Ouch. I know he’s trying to work up to saying “I love you” (cringe) but the lead up story is about being heartbroken by his last girlfriend so he doesn’t quite get there…it’s not exactly an ideal pouring out of the heart.

Two-on-One Date: Drew & Zak — “I’m looking for a man that can make my heart race!”

According to Des, Zak doesn’t seem himself in groups and Drew doesn’t let loose enough and have fun so she is putting them both in the hot (go kart) seat, testing them on the track with a challenge between the boys. Zak wins but it doesn’t get him anything but some alone time before Drew.  Zak tells Des that this Bachelorette experience has been the best time of his life, which he has chronicled in drawings he’s made for her.  He really has to explain some of them and she’s reacting like he’s a toddler who has some crayon scribbles and she’s the babysitter reaffirming how great they are.  Zak says he and Drew respect each other so he elects not to say “I love you” because he doesn’t want her to have to get back to their two-on-one date and pretend like nothing happened.  Noble of you, sir, but not smart.

During alone time with Des, Drew says that his family is very eager to meet her. He is especially excited for Des to meet his mentally handicapped sister who is unable to communicate through speech. He sweetly asks if Des will accompany him to pick her up when she comes to visit his hometown, to which Des is delighted and moved.  Drew may respect Zak but he sure doesn’t care during his one-on-one time because he definitely let’s out a very sincere “I love you” and she most certainly got the message because they spend the next few minutes passionately making out.  Glowing and smiling ear-to-ear, the pair practically skip arm-in-arm back to Zak who’s patiently waiting like an oaf.

Des gives Drew the rose because she knows for certain that she’d like to meet his family. Sorry, Zak. This show is called The Bachelorette; bros before hoes isn’t valid here.

Roses:

• Drew
• Brooks
• Chris
• Zak

Going Home:   Michael, the prosecutor, who gives some great closing arguments but still gets sent away. For life. Okay, that was a little exaggerated. But he did wish her the best with her life.  Poor guy gets on the phone with his mom to tell her he’s not bringing Des home to meet her and all mom can say is “here we go again…”  Oh, lordy!

Next week: meeting the family with hometown dates, singing, and the return of Desiree’s bad-boy brother.

Barthelona!  My favorite city in the world.  BFOTBM and I love to tell everyone we lived in Barcelona. Because we did. And we tell ’em every chance we can.

Looks like all the men got the memo that this week’s uniform is a zip up hoodie. Geez. Also, like I mentioned, I missed the last two episodes so I appreciated the little recap that everyone is pissed at James because he’s using the show to get famous, hook up with chicks and get into clubs.  I believe it.

One-on-One Date: Drew — “let’s build a foundation for love.”

Desiree scores points for dressing super cute. And Drew is giddy and excited and can’t wait to tell Desiree how excited he is to kiss her. Aww, you’re precious. During their afternoon jaunt about town they stop in at a tapas bar — not to be confused with a topless bar, friends. That would be a whole different kind of show. While there, Drew shares about his admiration for his father, a recovering alcoholic who has cancer.  The emotional moment clearly brings them closer together and they both agree that they’d like for Des to be able to meet his dad.

Drew and Des sit down for a romantic dinner and he’s so wrapped up in the moment that he promptly sneaks her away from the cameras to go make out in an alley.  Apparently he thought the cameras wouldn’t follow?  Hmm…not quite sure. But, either way, it’s super hot. And the bold move shows Des a side she hasn’t yet seen so reserved, shy guy Drew wins the rose. And then more making out.

After he locks in his rose, solidifying his camp in the romantic territory just outside the friend zone, Drew decides to tell Des that James is not here for the right reasons and recalls the conversation he overheard.  And that’s pretty much what you get to hear about for the rest of the episode, so if you’d like, you can skip to the bottom to find out who gets roses and who goes home.

Still with me?

Group Date: Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, Juan Pablo — “Looooooove!” (a la Gooooaaallll!)

I’m super excited to see that the group date is in Sitges. It’s a gorgeous beach town not far from Barcelona.  I’ve been there twice and it’s just lovely.  Absolutely worth the train ride. Even if you’re jam-packed on said train with a bunch of sweaty, gross, non-deodorant-wearing Spaniards and European tourists.  But it’s totally worth it. Also, you should know that I’ve never seen better looking men anywhere in my life than in Sitges.  Gay, mostly, but ridiculously, crazy good looking.  Seriously.  It’s a good spot.

Speaking of good looking…Juan Pablo is feeling confident on the soccer field, scoring on the professional women’s team that Desiree has teamed up with. After about 15 seconds, the buzz of the goal sound is getting kind of annoying. We get it: the girls are good.  And James is the goalie that just stands there and claps when the girls score.  Even Kasey the Zac Efron look-alike isn’t impressed.

At the post-game party, the group is uber tense because everyone wants to duke it out with James. Verbally. He’s huge. No one wants to pick a fight physically.  Side note: Chris seems to be a bit of a goober. Like Bill Nye, the science guy.  With a soul patch. I don’t quite get why Desiree busts out a poem. But, oh, does she.  Bill Nye thinks it’s beautiful.  He even says their love scale is rapidly rising.  Seems like a good fit, you two.

Meanwhile, Zac Efron and Federal Prosecutor guy confront James about his offensive conversation last week with Mikey about his odds of being the next Bachelor and all the fun shenanigans they could get into with other women.  James is not necessarily denying it. Prosecutor informs James that his words sounds more like an audition for Jersey Shore than anything.  James is now super angry…like Hulk status.

Next, Zac Efron approaches Desiree about the whole James situation and as opposed to Drew’s makeout situation to secure himself a seat in the romantic area of the dating pool, I think, sadly, Zac Efron has put himself in the shallow end of the friend zone. Sorry, bud.

When Desiree tells James that she believes what the other guys have told her, his first instinct is to cry. But, he pulls it together long enough to make an argument that it was all Mikey. He even swears on his dad. In fact, the guys are ganging up on him because they’re all threatened by him.  I’m not quite sure how the conversation flips to both of them crying but instead of being mad or telling James to leave, Des just asks to take some time to think about it. Weak.

One-on-One Date: Zak 

For their date, Zak and Desiree are sketching a model and I almost wish the guy would’ve taken off his clothes just to make it interesting. But, I’m pregnant and without wine to make awkward, tense silences bearable, I’m a bit relieved that the most awful thing so far is a drawing Zak does of Desiree.  Wow, that’s ugly.

Zak says he loves art and goes to a lot of museums but, still, when the naked dude does appear on a pedestal in front of him…well, it’s just not his favorite idea of a date, I think.  Mine either. He’s such a good sport and still having so much fun. To liven things up, he changes into a robe himself so that he can get up there in the buff for Desiree to draw him.  He was kind enough to keep on his briefs, but it’s still very impressive…the man looks good with no clothes on.

Their evening dinner is maybe the coolest ever…in a cava cellar/cave. Gosh I miss wine. Zak opens up about the type of guy he is so Desiree can get to know him better. And then they make out a lot, earning him the rose. Zak confesses to the camera that he’s in love with Desiree, and Desiree tells the camera that she’s enamored with his adventuresome side.  I see heartbreak in Zak’s future.

James, in a polite way, asks Drew for his take on this whole situation, which is commendable.  And Drew, like a knight in shining armor and protective boyfriend, is trying with all his might to explain to James why absolutely everything he’s saying is not appropriate for their current situation. Now trying his luck with spinning his story to Desiree, James is talking himself in circles, which seems to be working quite well.  James is smug when he gets back into the room and the guys are still trying to make him see how he’s been disrespectful. It doesn’t work and it all ends with everyone more frustrated than ever.

Roses:

• Drew
• Zak
• Chris, Bill Nye the science guy
• Brooks
• Michael, the Federal Prosecutor

Going Home: Kasey, Juan Pablo, James

Next week: Madeira, helicopter rides, horseback riding, kayaking, fireworks, boat rides, making out beaches, drama with Drew (?), and a lot, a lot of crying.

Group Date: Chris, Ryan, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zack K., Ben — “Love is a battlefield”

The group of fellas gathered, waiting for Desiree’s suitors look fierce. They’re here to play dodgeball!  Yeah!  And these guys are from the National Dodgeball League. Did you know such a thing existed?  I hope someone starts throwing wrenches. “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!”

Someone’s getting hurt, right? You can just totally see that coming.  As soon as the balls start getting thrown…ouch. Looks painful (but very entertaining to watch).  After some serious welts and deflated egos, I’m sure, Chris Harrison saves the boys by announcing they’ll play each other instead of the hardcore pros. I know I’m not the only one a bit disappointed.

The boys suit up, they’ve got the headbands on, short shorts and tube socks pulled high. Awesome.  I love how serious it gets. After a short while, it’s down to Chris and Drew…and blue team wins. Yay! Except, it’s best of three and next thing we know, the red team wins round two.  At the start of the last round, Brooks goes down with an injury and all we see is a bloody hand as he’s whisked away to the hospital. Now it’s down to Chris and Zack, the two pro baseball players…it’s intense. Zack nails Chris and is thus hailed a hero. (read: lots of man hugging and dog piling).

Winners get an after party but Desiree declares them all to be winners so just like AYSO soccer, everyone gets to play. Except Brooks who is at the hospital all by his lonesome.

Brad pulls Desiree away for some one-on-one time to share that he has a three-year-old son named Maddox. His mom and brother help him raise his son. He says the relationship with the mom was uber bad. Like drinking problem, Brad getting slapped with a domestic violence arrest and restraining order (which was all dismissed..whew!).  Not pretty.  But, hey, he seems normal despite the fact that he chose to procreate with a crazy lady. Let’s hope his taste has improved.

Chris surprises Desiree with a walk up to the roof where they get a great view,good conversation, giggling, they’re dangling their feet over the ledge…so romantic, right? But the dude totally fails to go in for the kiss.  Chris thinks he’s totally got the rose on lock but uh oh, who arrives at the last minute?  Brooks!! What a champ!  He looks a little drugged and he’s still in his sexy sport attire (which reminds me even more of Russell Brand for some reason) but he still gets a kiss for getting injured.  Whatever works, bud.  Every broken bone should come with a good story. Later I’m just as surprised as Brooks is pissed that he broke a finger and didn’t get the rose because Chris was right and he won the rose!

Not just a rose winner, Chris gets extra time with Desiree and a private concert by Kate Earl.  And they dance and kiss and sway and smile as all the other guys get to look on in a jealous rage.

One-on-One Date: Kasey — “Love defies gravity”

Before her date, Chris Harrison calls with “bizarre” news about one of the guys so she hops in her Bentley and cruises on over to the mansion to lay into Brian, who apparently has a girlfriend back home.  But wait!  She’s not back home…she’s here!

Best tweet of the night: “It’s never good when Chris Harrison shows up without a date card or a butter knife.”

Girlfriend’s name is Stephanie and he says their relationship was in the past but she said that he invited her to come to California with him, she has a son, they were together the day before he came for The Bachelorette. In fact, even as he denies everything he’s calling her “babe.”  Oh, and apparently they just slept together two nights before he came on the show.  I really wish with every fiber of my being that Desiree would just excuse herself to go have a good time on her date and let these dramatic folks deal with their own horrible lives.  The guys inside looking on are right: “this is stressful.” The best part is when Stephanie just looks over at Desiree and pretty much says “he’s not an honest guy.”  Yeah, got that, thanks.

Kasey has a great attitude about hoping to turn her day around.  I like him already.

“If the lady says she wants to dance on the side of the building, we’ll dance on the side of the building.” — Kasey, a smart man.

I love that he’s being super cute and supportive, encouraging her and telling her how good she’s doing. Just darling.

Their dinner is set atop the same building they spent the afternoon dancing on…and gnarly wind kicks in ruining their intimate conversation, knocking over candles.  So, hey, like I always say: when in doubt, get in the pool.  So they jump in…except, it’s freezing. Ha!  That’s the worst. So, really, what I always say is: when in doubt, just make out. So they do some of that too.

Winning more totally cute points, Kasey assures her that their date needn’t be perfect, he just likes spending time with her.  Desiree heads back into the treacherous winds to retrieve the rose for him.

Group Date: James, Bryden, Zak W., Juan Pablo, Dan — “Who’s the lone man standing?”

Instead of Desiree’s Bentley, a horse-drawn stagecoach is there to take the fellas to their group date. Their group date they’ll be working with the stunt coordinators for the new movie The Lone Ranger.  Very cool. The boys go through cowboy boot camp learning how to gun sling, lasso, and fight.  During their cowboy competition, Dan’s pants rip. That’s funny.  Also, Juan Pablo, the Spanish cowboy…totally pulls it off.  Super hot. He wins. As the winner, he gets a private screening in a barn of The Lone Ranger with Des.  And like any date with a sexy foreign cowboy, Desiree and Juan Pablo spend most of the movie in a steamy liplock session. I think he’ll stick around for just that reason.

P.S. How hot is Armie Hammer?  Whoa.

Later on:

• Desiree gets a bit impatient with Bryden and has to help guide his way to kissing.  But hey, once they’re there, he thinks it’s awesome.
• Zak W. seems like too much of a jokester for Desiree to take seriously. He has to apologize for what sounds like an awful failed kiss attempt earlier in the day. We don’t see a redemption there but whatever. He’s intense and probably going home soon.
• James seems maybe a little too enamored with Desiree but he’s sweet. He shares that he’s worried about his sick dad back home but he’s really trying to submerge himself in the experience with Desiree. He wants Desiree to tell him that she’s interested so he’ll feel like his time away from his dad is worth it. He comes off a bit insecure but Desiree is smitten with his big guy, big heart softy side. All she can think to do is to show James that she’s serious by giving him a rose, proving she wants to get to know him more.  And just the cutest thing ever: when she presents him with a rose, he offers her a daisy he picked. Aww, you’re cute, big fella.

Pool Party

Instead of a cocktail party, Des is coming over for a dip in the pool.  Ben decides to meet Desiree in the driveway for a quick getaway. The other boys at the pool party are sad watching Des and Ben drive up kissing in that car. I think all is forgiven when Desiree gets in her bikini.  Except, Mikey is pissed again when Ben lies about getting one-on-one time…so once again, he confronts Ben. Michael comes too. And lawyer man profoundly declares that he and Ben are not going to be friends. Ben does not seem sad about this.

I get the pillow out to cover my eyes and ears when Brandon pulls her aside because I’m just so worried about him breaking into tears. I feel a restraining order coming on.  The whole conversation escalated really quickly.  You didn’t mishear it: he definitely did just tell her that he’s falling in love with her. And went in very abruptly for a kiss. And all she can do is laugh because, yes, this is her life and this really is happening.  I hope she doesn’t give him a rose tonight because I just don’t think I can handle this for any more episodes.

Rose Ceremony

• Chris
• Kasey
• James, the big softie
• Bryden with the Lloyd Christmas haircut
• Juan Pablo, the sexy Spaniard
• Zak W.
• Brooks with the broken finger
• Drew
• Zack K., dodgeball champ
• Brad the dad
• Michael G.
• Mikey
• Ben

Going home: Brandon (thank goodness…gotta nip that in the rosebud – pun intended) and Dan. Dan says a classy goodbye but Brandon is really upset and heartbroken. Gosh, can you imagine how that could have escalated in just one more week?  Eek. Bullet dodged. But, Des is trying to be nice and walks after him but he’s already crying and angry and she’s trying to let him down nicely but it’s not helping.  She just keeps apologizing and he just keeps feeling abandoned.  Seriously, they need to reconsider keeping therapist on full time for this show.  Oh yeah, and I’ve already forgotten about Brian and his girlfriend who are probably causing a ruckus working their way toward angry hate sex when they both get back home.

Next week: Atlantic City, carnival games, sand castles, helicopter rides, concerts, lots of making out, a Mr. America pageant, and more Ben controversy.

P.S. The cowboy scene outtakes where the guys are teaching Juan Pablo how to talk in cowboy is hilarious.