This week I’m a lucky lady to be spending Valentine’s Day with my two favorite people: Mumbles and my BFOTB to watch this week’s episode where the ladies and Brad find themselves in the turquoise, clear water, white sand oasis of Anguilla in the Caribbean. There will be three one-on-one dates with no roses required to stay, and one group date.  Two ladies are going home this week.   

One-on-One Date: “Three things I would bring on a deserted island: picnic, champagne and Emily”

Brad says he doesn’t feel like he deserves to be with Emily so he gets nervous around her.  To take his mind off the nervous of screwing it up with the prettiest girl ever, he blurts out “What do you want to do today?”  And cue the helicopter.  If Emily would have answered “I want to fly somewhere in a helicopter” I’m pretty sure Brad would have proposed right then and there.

Brad takes Emily to Sandy Island in Anguilla – a private island that looks a lot like a phallus from the aerial view.  All alone on this island and they’re still very tense and awkward.  Brad confesses that he gets very nervous around Emily and doesn’t help much on her end either. Brad tries to have a really sincere moment and he tells her that he cares about her more than she knows and “probably more than he should be saying at this point” and they have a nice kiss.  Emily says that she wants to bring Brad home but she still isn’t sure if she wants Brad to meet her daughter yet.  Not a good outlook, Mr. Bachelor.

Brad quizzes Emily about whether he will be allowed to meet Ricki on the hometown dates.  She says she’s nervous about letting her meet anyone. Brad has linked her acceptance of him with meeting her daughter. Brad breaks the Bachelor rules and tells Emily that he’s giving her a rose; he’s going to her home town. He’s such a rebel…a rebel in manpri’s.  Is this the first woman in the history of the Bachelor where the parent is really actually protective of her child? I don’t recall this much drama before – another reason to like Emily.

Second one-on-one date is with Shawntel N. Brad takes her on her ideal date and he doesn’t even know it: the farmer’s market.  A sage Anguillan lady tells them how to be in love and says they’re a cute couple.  Shawntel tells Brad she’s falling in love with him but all he can think about is Emily. She starts asking him about his family and Brad admits that he doesn’t have a relationship with his dad. This is BIG because he can’t talk about these things with anyone (aside from his shrink).  When it starts to rain the magic hits and they both go in for the kiss. But this date gets better because they are about be serenaded with a private show by the Bankie Banx, who, according to Brad (aka the producers), is the biggest reggae band in the Caribbean.  I can’t remember what the date card actually said but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it said something like “Let’s bank on love.”  (was I close?!?)  They also brought in a group of party-goers so when Brad and Shawntel were tired of the crowd they snuck away to frolic in the water, where we get full view of Shawntel’s enormous tramp stamp.

Third one-on-one date: Britt – “Let’s sail on the sea of love. “

Brad says that tonight really is make or break for Britt since they are so behind the other relationships he’s formed, which is completely his fault due to the fact that she hasn’t had one-on-one time with him. 

Brad starts their date by telling Britt how special she is:  “I’ve picked up women in helicopters, convertibles, and a boat…but never in a yacht.”  Then it’s made very clear that Brad doesn’t own the yacht, as they are required to swim out to the yacht to board.  Haha.

Michelle says she doesn’t see Brad and Britt getting married. In fact, she can hardly see Brad friending her on Facebook.  Oh, Michelle, don’t you know as your comments become less crazy and entertaining, your odds of getting a rose also diminish?  Step it up a bit, will ya?

Little Bay in Anguilla is so gorgeous.  Britt confesses that she is willing to “jump right in” but she’s terrified.  She also says that terrified is pretty much her go to feeling when it comes to this show. I can relate: mine is anxiety. Ashley and I understand why she’s a little tentative about jumping off a cliff…for Brad.  We’d hesitate too.  (But hey, we also took turns quoting Forgetting Sarah Marshall “Peter, I can see your hoo-ha!”) 

Brad explains that they’re sitting on the beach having a great conversation, asking all the right questions in the most romantic place in the world but he isn’t getting the urge to just grab her and kiss her.  I can give him that. Britt does seem to be putting out a bit of a little sister vibe. I also note that she looks a little Elvish.  Nothing wrong with that but would Brad know and appreciate a woman with Elvish good looks? I think not.  In what little air time she gets, Britt makes some pretty funny comments and I feel like we could be friends in real life, which means she’s probably not Bachelor material.  (Heidi, you can fall in love on The Bachelor and we’ll still be friends or you can just be really pretty and fun and entertaining – totally your call).

After a few awkward small talk comments over dinner Brad says that there is no romance. She’s a sweet woman, but it’s just not there.  Brad starts his breakup talk but he’s really not good at these.  He doesn’t have a rose to not give to her but he tells her that he doesn’t see a future with her.  She tries to talk rationally (sorry, Britt, I think you forgot you’re on The Bachelor) about taking more time to get to know each other but Brad pulls his best defense: during his last season he was crucified for stringing girls along.  At least Brad has the decency to arrange a boat to pick her up so she didn’t have to swim to the shore.

Britt walks back up to the house and the girls are so happy to see her and ask her about her date…and she has to fight back tears to tell the girls that she’s going home. 

Group date: Ashley, Chantal, Michelle – “This is the dawn of a new love”

Brad wakes up the girls in the middle of the night to tell them they are starting their date early.  Brad says that they’re going to be doing something that millions of women dream of doing…they are going to be in a photoshoot for Sports Illustrated, which just so coincidentally happens to hit newsstands on February 15 – tomorrow.

Chantal is all Debbie Downer “I’m a fatty” and don’t want to be photographed today.  Ashley puts some conch shells over her boobs and the other girls are pissed with envy.  Chantal is not feeling confident and sexy but decides to take her top off anyway.  Brad is looking at the girls with clothes on instead of the ones that are taking their tops off.   Huh? Michelle got ambitious because she didn’t want to take her top off so instead she crawled on top of Brad, really getting the other girls jealous and angry as they now realize they probably didn’t have to go topless for a national magazine and instead could have just had a steamy makeout session with the guy they like.  Oops.

(P.S. What is Ashley drinking that’s bright green?  Scooby Snacks?)  Ashley tells Brad that she feels like the kid sister or the friend.  Brad acknowledges that he hurt her and put her in a bad position.  Now he has to go apologize to Chantal.  Brad asks if her feelings have changed and Chantal says that she is still in love with him and she’d be stupid to ignore it.

Brad tells Michelle he sees a very strong, almost volatile woman and that they might be just a little bit too alike.  Michelle acknowledges her stubbornness and that it is true that they are alike.  Not great quality alone time together.

Chantal pulls Brad aside for more alone time together to ask if everything is okay.  Brad says he’s having a hard time showing emotion because he’s trying to respect everyone’s feelings by not showing any emotion.  Oh, so now I get it! This whole season he’s been boring because he’s trying to respect everyone!  Got it. What a gentleman!

Ashley says she is scared that she screwed up with Brad because she’s retracted in her fear of getting sent home.  Ashley gets needy and desperate and begs “please don’t send me home.”  Brad had to walk all the way back to the cabana to grab the rose right out from under Chantal and Michelle and the moment he turns on his heel the tears have appeared in Chantal’s eyes.  Lots more tears and then Chantal tells Brad that “if you can’t choose me over two other girls then you should just send me home now.”  And I think someone should tell her to watch her words because he did just choose another girl over her. She ends their date all pouty and teary, hoping to push Brad away just enough so that he’d pull her in closer. Not sure that worked, buttercup, but good luck.

Brad and Chris Harrison sit down and Brad says he doesn’t feel that he needs a cocktail party tonight – he made his decision earlier today.  Chris asks if someone might be able to change his mind and Brad says no.  I really would have banked on Ashley but now that she has the rose it seems like it could be Chantal but then again Ashley had a full on emotional pity party too and Brad rewarded her with a rose. So that leaves us with Michelle, which also seems fitting.  He got to enjoy some passionate moments and now he’s done because her craziness is not as entertaining anymore.  

Brad is 100% confident that he’s making the decision. So here it is for hometown dates next week:

Roses:
Ashley, the artist dentist
Emily, Southern Belle Barbie
Shawntel N., the funeral director
(and drumroll as it’s down to the two enemies: Chantal and Michelle. And insert totally pointless cut in from Chris: “Ladies, Brad, this is the last rose of the night.”  Thank you, Captain Obvious!)
…Chantal O. 

After much ado and drama, Michelle has fulfilled her crazy contract and is going home.  Brad asks to walk Michelle out and as they walk he says “can I have your hand or absolutely not?” and she curtly replies “um, probably not.”  Haha.  Then Brad asks if she wants him to talk and she says “no” so we don’t get to hear that awkward conversation.  Brad explains that he had an intense physical connection to Michelle but he realized that would wear off and they would become extremely volatile because they butt heads so much.  Smart man, I guess.  In the limo, I think the producers were very sorely disappointed not to get a big dramatic cry and cuss fest out of Michelle.  Instead, she simply laid her head down on the seat and looked sad.  Kudos to you, lady.

Today’s beverage of the episode: Rockbrook Chardonnay, 2008.  Delicious for cooking veggies and for sipping. 

Next week: home hunting, cremations, and mother-daughter reunions. 

P.S. After today’s bikini-clad, beach bunny episode our dear friend Melanie sent in a fabulous tip for our good friend Heidi: Heidi, when you send in your application make sure to list that you were a lifeguard, look great in a bikini, tan easily, and dive into water as elegantly as an Olympian (minus the broad shoulders).  You’re a shoe in.