This season’s opening sequence immediately has my friend Marisa reaching for her wine glass, noting she hadn’t sufficiently prepared herself mentally, clearly forgetting how awkward this show is. Cue Ashley dancing in an empty theater, running up the stairs a la Rocky (complete with cheering at the top), leading a dance class, and then walking soulfully barefoot by the beach.
“She’s clearly not from here. You can’t not wear shoes in LA. Gross.”
And here comes what is sure to be the biggest outrage of the season – we can’t even get through the intro sequence without a guy wishing Ashley was Emily. Us too, kinda.
And now we meet the men:
- Ryan P, a solar energy specialist says “the only thing not perfectly sunny in his life is love” and “the only thing stronger than the sun is love.” Was he made for this show or what?
- JP is a construction manager who for some odd reason reminds me of Barney from HIMYM so I like him already.
- Ames, is a finance guy, ivy leaguer, world traveler, and marathon runner.
- Ben is a lawyer and he looks just like the Ivy Leaguer. Plus he is a pianist and a hopeless romantic. We see serenading in the future.
- Ben F, the winemaker, has Marisa convinced that he is the guy who started Girls Gone Wild. Apparently there’s a striking resemblance…how does she know that?
- Bentley is a looker fromSalt Lake City. He wants the Bachelorette to be Emily. We wish he wouldn’t have named his daughter Cozy.
- Anthony the butcher reminds me of a cross between Ben Affleck and Ross Gellar. My favorite part of his introduction was when someone at the meat shop says profoundly “what are you gonna do if she doesn’t like meat?” bahaha!
- West, a good-looking, hard-working prosecutor has quite the sob story sharing that he’s already had a great love in his life – his wife who sadly passed away. I’m surprised that he went into such detail about her death (she suffered from seizures and
- William, cuter than Wills. He’s “the one before the one,” the good luck chuck. We like him too. His dad was an alcoholic and I’m sure that’s not the last we’ll hear of that.
Now for the arrivals (note, we totally fast forwarded over all of Chris Harrison’s boring speeches and “how are yous” and “what are you excited/nervous about” questions).
- First guy out of the limo is Ryan P, the solar energy specialist. His bumbling excitement is so awkward it’s almost cute.
- Jon is an e-commerce exec. He picks her up and throws her over his shoulder to take her off to the honeymoon. Kinda cute.
- Lucas is an oil man from Texas. Smell good hugger. Ya know, kinda like the smell good plumber.
- Wills, we find out, is not a prince but a cellular phone salesman. Wah wah wah…
- Mickey, a chef, goes in for a kiss “from all the men inAmerica” but she leans away. He walks in and tells all the guys he kissed her. Evil Mickey!
- Tim, the liquor distributor, we’re pretty sure is already drunk. He can’t quite get out full sentences. This is gonna be bad.
- Ben, the lawyer, speaks pretty things in French. Ashley apparently understands.
- Stephen, the hairstylist, compliments her on her new hair color.
- Chris is a sports marketing coordinator by day, and a rapper by night. More like a gentleman of the spoken word.
- West, is a clever man and brings a broken compass stuck on west telling Ashley “I hope if you get lost in this process, you’ll use this to find your way to me.”
- Anthony the butcher is quite the theatrical man. His New Jersey-esque necklace peeks out just a little too much. Eww.
- Rob announces that he’s better than Brad because he has no crowns in his teeth. Boring.
- Amesthe Ivy Leaguer plays his part well, looking like a prep school kid. He brought ballet tickets for her. Can you do that? He keeps one and she keeps one and all I’m thinking is “dude, when you get sent home, you better get that ticket back.” (nah, he can probably afford it)
- Matt, office supplies salesman AKA “I work at staples” teaches her a handshake.
- Jeff, a masked man, arrives and its immediately apparent that he is the male equivalent of Madison and her fangs from last season.
- Ben the winemaker brings a bottle of wine and pours her a glass. He tells her he brushed his teeth like eight times today. He wins.
- Frank gives a little wink and a smile, then a turn and a twirl and a dip. Then goes ahead to ruin it by practically making out with her hand.
- Mike is a technology salesman that says he’s never been more excited to go see a dentist. She says she will gas him when they get inside.
- Chris from Canada is a little goofy and seems to run away a bit to get inside. Weird.
- Ryan M, a construction estimator, brings a camera so they can take photos. We thought it was cute in the “so we can have photos of the night we met” sort of way. Until he tells her that later he wants her to take a photo of him and Chris. Big fan of the show, apparently.
- JP has no props, just a smile. I’m okay with that.
- Nick, personal trainer. Recites a poem.
- Blake, a dentist. He’s cute.
- Bentley is clearly and very obviously disappointed when he gets out of the limo. She rumples her nose in frustration as he walks away…hmmm…
- Constantine, restaurant owner. Brought pink dental floss. “are you gonna floss your teeth or mine?” Instead he ties it on her finger as a reminder to come find him. Clever.
Inside the cocktail party:
- Ryan P the solar energy specialist is the first to pull her away. He recites his resume. He likes things.
- Winemaker man Ben splits time betweenSan Diego and Sonoma. He says he feels a connection.
- Some guy managed to convince producers to let him keep his cell phone to call his mom and she gives advice to him and Ashley: “when you decide to forgo your separate rooms and join together in the fantasy suite, remember your moms are watching and also to use your protection.”
- Wait, who is the town troubadour? He pulls her away with the lure of the guitar and just as she says she had always wanted to be serenaded, he throws the guitar in the pool and says “I don’t really play guitar. I just wanted to talk to you.” I think the pianist should have done the same with a baby grand. Better splash effects.
- Jeff the masked man is like the phantom of the opera, disappearing in the shadows. We get he’s trying to stand out, but can also tell Ashley wants to know if he’s cute or not so she can decide whether to send him home. My friend Molly noticed that his photo was missing from ABC’s website to keep the mystery alive – way to play along…ya know, because all of America doesn’t know how to Google his photo.
- Jon the e-commerce guy is a marine corps vet… he looks like Matt, the London Bachelor.
- One creative guy, other Ben, pulls a cute Love Actually moment, holding up signs he’s written on asking for alone time to talk to her. Very sweet.
- Wills the cellphone salesman tries to do impressions. She’s very encouraging about it all. He says he is a little kid. Obviously.
- Tim, the liquor distributor, is hammered (not surprising). Ashley walks over to him and he takes a full minute to tell her that she scared him. He. Is. Drunk. He’s asleep, snoring outside wrapped up with a blanket.
- “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the oven.” – Frank, who is not exactly the brightest crayon in the pool…no wait, that’s not right either…
- Ashley rounds up some guys to help get Tim out front. They are more than happy to escort another guy home. Life lessons learned on The Bachelorette: Drunks get sent home in minivans, not limos. Write that down.
- Ashley received a phone call a few days ago from a friend warning her about Bentley. Bentley tells Ashley he was married and his daughter is his life. She is still very skeptical. Bentley tells the camera he’s not really attracted to her but he is competitive. Really with this guy? Boo.
- Ryan P, the solar energy specialist gets the first impression rose
- Jeff, phantom of the mansion
- Constantine, the restauranteur
- Ben F, the winemaker
- Lucas, theTexasoilman
- Stephen, the hairdresser
- Nick, the Matthew Mcconaughey wannabe
- Chris (the spoken word, not the Canadian)
- Ryan M, the paparazzi
- Blake, the dentist
- Evil Mickey
- Ben the French lawyer
- Wills, the impersonator
- Ames, the Ivy Leaguer
- Bentley, the bad boy
Reactions from the cast-offs:
- The butcher is pissed. That meat is gonna get it when he gets home. I’m really bummed he didn’t stick around, he would’ve provided some great fodder.
- Rob is defeated, disappointed, and ready to cry.
- Jon, the ecommerce executive is a sad, sad boy. He’s really good looking. But sounds a little crazy now that he is teary and wondering where it all went wrong. On night one.
Coming up this season: Kissing, dancing, jets, boats, world travel, elephants, Thailand, kayaking, Taiwan, kissing, lying, crying, boxing, Fiji, broken hearts, more crying, and lots of roses.
What did you think?