The (Not a) Bachelor Recap episode 1 – Juan Pablo

Hi there, friends. Even though I didn’t give you a head’s up about not doing a recap for episode 1 of The Bachelor, I appreciate you standing by.  I gotta say, I’m still on the fence about whether I can actually commit to watching and recapping every week.  After all, it’s pretty much airing past my bed time now. Buuuut, in just one week, I missed it a bit. So, I’m going to do my best this season.  That’s all I can say so please forgive me in advance.  I was able to watch it (on Friday, finally!) so I’m all caught up and now over the awkwardness that always is the first episode.  I had help in the form of wine, which since not indulging in about a year, is helping out a lot more than I remember! The occupations of the ladies alone sounded like the beginning of a good punchline: a baby nurse, an assistant district attorney, a mineral coordinator, free spirit and dog lover all walk into a bar mansion… See what I mean? I’m most interested to see how things unfold with the lucky lady who nabbed the First Impression Rose and wasn’t quite sure if she even wanted it. What?! Someone is not certain Juan Pablo is her husband on night one? Gasp!

If you still need help getting caught up, or are missing a cheeky recap of the night’s shenanigans, here are some fun ones to peruse:

LA Times Show Tracker

I Hate Green Beans 

US Weekly

Up for possible spoilers? Reality Steve says he’s got the inside scoop on the whole season (note: he’s not always correct) or watch Jimmy Kimmel guess Juan Pablo’s final picks:

And, last but certainly not least, if you, like me, suffer a bit through the so-awkward-they-make-you-want-to-change-the-channel moments, here are the guidelines for the Juan Pablo drinking game to help you get through.

The Bachelorette After the Final Rose – Desiree

Desiree comes out in bridal white, flashing a happy smile and her shiny engagement ring. Here’s the interesting updates from After the Final Rose:

Brooks faces Desiree for the first time after breaking her heart leaving Antigua. Brooks says that watching the show back was difficult but Des commends him for being so honest, which is what helped her to move on. As far as regrets go, Brooks is easy on himself and Desiree is easy on the situation as well.  Oddly enough, Brooks didn’t know what had happened so Desiree had to say “Well, you leaving was actually really great.” And when she tells Brooks that she’s engaged to Chris, he says he’s not surprised at all.  A very easy, uninteresting interview actually.

Drew‘s interview is long and drawn out and there’s really not much you can say about it. It wasn’t there. He’s fine. She’s fine. He wants her to be happy. She wants him to be happy.  And the “could I have done something different?”  “No.”  “Drew, are you still in love with Des?” “No. But…I have nothing but love for you.” The end.

Chris comes out and Chris Harrison waits a whole one minute before bringing up Brooks. Way to ruin a moment, guy.  Once we see how happy the newly engaged couple is to be reunited again, we get to rewatch their proposal.  Cute.  But we just saw it five minutes ago, so thanks for that.  New developments: Desiree is moving to Seattle this weekend. They got a new place so they’ll have a fresh start to their new life together. (read: I didn’t want any of his crap).  In true Chris fashion, he’s written a poem for Desiree, framed with dried rose petals from each of the rose ceremonies.  Super sappy but they seem happy.

The next Bachelor is….Juan Pablo!   I’m telling you, the accent wins every time.  Here’s what you need to know: Juan Pablo is 32, he grew up in Venezuela, he was a professional soccer player, he moved to Miami, had a daughter who is now 4 years old, and he speaks highly of his daughter’s mom.  Juan Pablo wants to a) find a stepmom for his daughter and b) wants more kids.  He’s finding it hard to be a single dad and find a good mate, which I’d assume is just because he’s so good looking that he doesn’t ever settle down, but apparently, he’s ready to be a one-woman man and make more babies. I think there’s plenty of ladies out there looking for a little Latin flair in their life.  Juan Pablo seems a little overwhelmed/scared about the throngs of women yelling and screaming. I almost expected some panty flinging on stage.   I expect we’ll see a lot of kissing next season because Juan Pablo is a little hard to understand (though I don’t think the ladies will be complaining). We’ll have to wait until January to see how crazy it gets.