The (Not a) Bachelor Recap episode 1 – Juan Pablo

Hi there, friends. Even though I didn’t give you a head’s up about not doing a recap for episode 1 of The Bachelor, I appreciate you standing by.  I gotta say, I’m still on the fence about whether I can actually commit to watching and recapping every week.  After all, it’s pretty much airing past my bed time now. Buuuut, in just one week, I missed it a bit. So, I’m going to do my best this season.  That’s all I can say so please forgive me in advance.  I was able to watch it (on Friday, finally!) so I’m all caught up and now over the awkwardness that always is the first episode.  I had help in the form of wine, which since not indulging in about a year, is helping out a lot more than I remember! The occupations of the ladies alone sounded like the beginning of a good punchline: a baby nurse, an assistant district attorney, a mineral coordinator, free spirit and dog lover all walk into a bar mansion… See what I mean? I’m most interested to see how things unfold with the lucky lady who nabbed the First Impression Rose and wasn’t quite sure if she even wanted it. What?! Someone is not certain Juan Pablo is her husband on night one? Gasp!

If you still need help getting caught up, or are missing a cheeky recap of the night’s shenanigans, here are some fun ones to peruse:

LA Times Show Tracker

I Hate Green Beans 

US Weekly

Up for possible spoilers? Reality Steve says he’s got the inside scoop on the whole season (note: he’s not always correct) or watch Jimmy Kimmel guess Juan Pablo’s final picks:

And, last but certainly not least, if you, like me, suffer a bit through the so-awkward-they-make-you-want-to-change-the-channel moments, here are the guidelines for the Juan Pablo drinking game to help you get through.

The Bachelorette After the Final Rose – Desiree

Desiree comes out in bridal white, flashing a happy smile and her shiny engagement ring. Here’s the interesting updates from After the Final Rose:

Brooks faces Desiree for the first time after breaking her heart leaving Antigua. Brooks says that watching the show back was difficult but Des commends him for being so honest, which is what helped her to move on. As far as regrets go, Brooks is easy on himself and Desiree is easy on the situation as well.  Oddly enough, Brooks didn’t know what had happened so Desiree had to say “Well, you leaving was actually really great.” And when she tells Brooks that she’s engaged to Chris, he says he’s not surprised at all.  A very easy, uninteresting interview actually.

Drew‘s interview is long and drawn out and there’s really not much you can say about it. It wasn’t there. He’s fine. She’s fine. He wants her to be happy. She wants him to be happy.  And the “could I have done something different?”  “No.”  “Drew, are you still in love with Des?” “No. But…I have nothing but love for you.” The end.

Chris comes out and Chris Harrison waits a whole one minute before bringing up Brooks. Way to ruin a moment, guy.  Once we see how happy the newly engaged couple is to be reunited again, we get to rewatch their proposal.  Cute.  But we just saw it five minutes ago, so thanks for that.  New developments: Desiree is moving to Seattle this weekend. They got a new place so they’ll have a fresh start to their new life together. (read: I didn’t want any of his crap).  In true Chris fashion, he’s written a poem for Desiree, framed with dried rose petals from each of the rose ceremonies.  Super sappy but they seem happy.

The next Bachelor is….Juan Pablo!   I’m telling you, the accent wins every time.  Here’s what you need to know: Juan Pablo is 32, he grew up in Venezuela, he was a professional soccer player, he moved to Miami, had a daughter who is now 4 years old, and he speaks highly of his daughter’s mom.  Juan Pablo wants to a) find a stepmom for his daughter and b) wants more kids.  He’s finding it hard to be a single dad and find a good mate, which I’d assume is just because he’s so good looking that he doesn’t ever settle down, but apparently, he’s ready to be a one-woman man and make more babies. I think there’s plenty of ladies out there looking for a little Latin flair in their life.  Juan Pablo seems a little overwhelmed/scared about the throngs of women yelling and screaming. I almost expected some panty flinging on stage.   I expect we’ll see a lot of kissing next season because Juan Pablo is a little hard to understand (though I don’t think the ladies will be complaining). We’ll have to wait until January to see how crazy it gets.

The Bachelorette Finale Recap – Desiree

You remember where we left our Bachelorette last week, right?  A teary, blubbery mess.  In the start of this final episode, Desiree sits down with Chris Harrison, clearly heartbroken and still quite disheveled.

“I just want to go home, to be honest,” confesses Desiree.

When Chris Harrison brings up Drew and Chris, the remaining two princes who love love love her and want nothing but to sweep her off her feet, Desiree seems apathetic. But the show must go on, right?  Cue the hopeful music and right on time Desiree sings to the tune, agreeing to see Drew and Chris and continue on with the rose ceremony even though she’s devastated by Brooks’ departure.   The question on everyone’s mind is whether Brooks will be making a reappearance this episode because, really, how could she all of a sudden act like she’d be happy with either of the two consolation prizes remaining men.

Rose Ceremony – “And then there were two”

At the rose ceremony, Desiree puts on a strong face to tell both guys that even though Brooks has chosen to leave, she does not want his departure to affect the individual relationships she’s established with the two of them. But then she just about begs Chris and Drew to let her know if they don’t want the rose.  She’s obviously super paranoid that nobody likes her and she might be unlovable. However, as predicted, they both happily accept, albeit a tad bewildered by the sobfest they’ve just witnessed. (P.S. Is it just me or is Chris looking hunkier than his usual poetry-spouting self?)

Last Date with Drew

On their horseback riding date to the beach, Desiree is somber and sad, which is a stark contrast to Drew’s uppity “I’m so in love” stupor.  Drew is ready to tell Desiree that he’s not ever ever ever going to leave her and he can’t wait to meet her family and propose and start their happily ever after.  And just after he finishes a toast to being truly, madly, deeply in love, Desiree gives him the tried and true “we need to talk.”   Through whiny tears she tells him that she doesn’t know if she can see herself loving him the way he deserves to be loved. And as he sheds a few tears and mutters “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know” in response, he completely lets her off the hook by saying probably the classiest farewell speech ever:

“You don’t have to be sorry for not being in love with me; it’s not something you control, it just happens. Just because I see something, that doesn’t mean you have to feel it or see the same thing. And, I wouldn’t want that. I would want you to be as in love with me as I am with you.  It hurts. It hurts a lot. I don’t know. And I don’t know when it will really sink in but um…I guess this is goodbye.” – Drew, winner of the classiest departure ever award.

Chris

Desiree is hoping that spending some time with Chris will turn her frown upside down. She says that seeing Chris walk up made her feel hopeful and much different than she felt with Drew. Good sign. Chris gives Desiree an “I’ll be there for you” speech, which reminds Desiree that he’s the strong yet gentle soul she needs. They take a private catamaran ride, cuddling, kissing and chatting the whole time. Chris sees this time as validation and Desiree seems to be rediscovering what a great guy he is.

Feeling renewed in her spirit, Desiree is pleased that she continued on with Chris and has decided to open herself back up to the possibility of being with Chris. Still fragile with abandonment issues, Chris says some magic words when he tells her that he feels confident that in their relationship, he never feels like they take a step back and even when they are apart, they are able to pick right back up where they left off.  [See, if you recall, Brooks said that their time apart always felt like taking steps back to him. And the time apart wasn’t that hard.  So, it’s probably quite reassuring to Des to hear from Chris that he’s not feeling like that at all.]

Chris gifts a journal to Desiree with a poignant quote:

“The greatest thing in the world is not so much where we are but the direction of where we are going.”

Whoa. Well done, sir.  To top it off, he’s also hand written out all of the poems he’s written for her in the back of the journal.  Not my cup of tea, but since it’s something they’ve shared throughout their entire time together, it’s super sweet.  And now Des is teary because she feels so lucky that he loves her.  Sort of embarrassed, she admits that no one has ever loved her as much as she loved them so it’s been hard for her to recognize and accept such sincere and complete love from Chris.  And now she confesses that she feels like a total idiot guilty  for not fully loving him before, blinded by Brooks and his luscious locks.

Non-sequitor: Catherine and Sean Lowe are there at the taping with nothing profound to say, but then again, none of the past contestants they brought back say anything of value, so feel free to skip that part if you’ve got it on your DVR.

Meeting the Family

Dad, Mom and Brother are there to meet Chris. He comes across confident and personable, even while Brother grills Chris with a ton of questions.  I’m not even sure Mom gets a question in but luckily Dad asks Chris to step away with him for some one-on-one time. Chris makes it clear that he’s felt confident about his feelings for Des from early on before he asks Dad for permission to propose to Des. Dad happily gives his consent but not without a stern warning that he’d better take care of his baby girl.  You tell ’em, pop.

When Des sits down with Brother, he asks if she wants to marry Chris and her response makes me cringe: “at this moment, yeah.”  Brother isn’t as stupid as he seems and her poor choice of words makes him wonder whether her feelings might change or if she’s settling after losing Brooks. Brother says he likes Chris and thinks that Desiree is making the right choice, which is oddly supportive from what we’ve seen of him in the past.  Continuing to be surprisingly intuitive and caring in his questioning, Brother asks about Brooks and whether she’s disappointed and hurt and even ready to go forward with someone else.

The Final Rose & A Proposal

Neil Lane shows up with the rings (the best part, right?) and the one Chris picks is a stunner (but then again, aren’t they all?).  Desiree seems excited to know that Chris will be showing up to propose soon, but weirdly decides that before he gets down on one knee, he needs to know the truth about how she felt about Brooks.  Is it just me or does that seem like it’s totally going to ruin the moment?  Eek.

Chris gives a beautiful, beautiful speech to Desiree and just as he gets the courage to get down on one knee, she stops him so she can tell him that she sent Drew home earlier in the week and that he’s the only one left, he’s the only one who met her family. Yay!  But then she continues on, confessing to Chris that she was heartbroken when Brooks left because she was in love with him and it caused her to be torn between the two of them.  Boo!  But…then she realized that because she was so blindsided by his leaving, she wasn’t able to see what/who was right in front of her the whole time. Yay? And there it is, what Chris has been waiting for: an “I love you” from Desiree.  It sure took a weird road to get there, but I guess the point is they’re there.

And after some crying and laughing and kissing and lots of “I love you’s” exchanged, Chris finally gets down on one knee for real and asks her to marry him, to which she happily says “Yes…a thousand times!” (sounds like somebody’s been watching Pride & Prejudice and rehearsing their proposal acceptance!)

Want to know what happens After the Final Rose — read the recap!

The Bachelorette Recap episode 9 — Desiree

bachelorette-ep9

 

With just three gents left, Desiree is in Antigua, which I can confirm is a super romantic place because Mumbles and I honeymooned there.  But, I can pretty confidently say that we had a lot more fun than Desiree is about to.  Tears, tears, tears.  Goodness me.

Clearly, Desiree is more in love with Brooks than the other two fellas…but my hunch is that this is foreshadowing the heartbreak to come because Brooks is the only guy yet to say ‘I love you.’

Drew. I don’t know why but I want to call him Pony Boy.  I wish I would’ve thought of that earlier in the season.  He’s so boyishly good looking. And Desiree has noticed. I think she’s mentioned his abs like eight times so far.  Their date is pretty typical, walking around the town, buying souvenirs, and recapping the Hometown Date.  It’s all easy peasy, life is good, let’s be sweet, but it doesn’t feel like Desiree is really into it.  Except there’s lots of making out. But, that’s to be expected at this point, right?  So maybe she’s into it, but she’ll be over it as soon as the next guy comes along.

To Drew’s delight, their dinner on the beach gets rained out so they head to the fantasy suite early. Drew tells Desiree he hasn’t yet picked out a ring but he was ready a few weeks ago and he feels confident (especially after her meeting his family) that she’s the one.  Another unanswered “I love you” from Drew and some ugly kissing.  Doesn’t look fun. Doesn’t sound fun either. But the cameras get kicked out and we can only assume what happened next…

Chris is an easy choice for Des. They seem easy and relaxed together, and super cheesy too.  All the season are blurring together so I can’t be certain if this is the first helicopter ride this season (seems unlikely) but Chris is stoked nonetheless.  They land on the island of Barbuda, which makes me think of Pirates of the Caribbean. Savvy? Desiree gushes over meeting Chris’s family and he assures her that they loved her. Chris and Des making out on the beach, rolling around in the sand…looks a lot less ugly than Drew and Des kissing, I’ll give ’em that.

Over dinner, Desiree wants to talk future and Chris tells Des that he’d like to stay in Seattle — he found a career there that he loves and he can see himself there raising a family there.  Des says California is her home because she doesn’t feel home anywhere else but concedes that she’s not afraid to get up and go to make the sacrifice to settle down and so, yeah, after all that, she’d be open to move to Seattle.  Des says Chris makes her feel comfortable and their relationship is easy.  Chris agrees to the fantasy suite and of course, it wouldn’t be complete without…you guessed it! A poem.

Brooks is wondering why he’s not yet at the point where he feels like he can tell Desiree he loves her. He goes to get guidance from his family in Boise and he’s trying to work through his feelings. He tells his family that he’s really uncomfortable with the idea of proposing to Desiree at the end of this, and, in fact, avoids the question about loving her. It sounds like he wants to be in love with her and maybe wishes he was, but he’s just not. In explaining his situation to his family he answers his own dilemma: he’s not in love with her. But after coming to this conclusion, they all start talking her up and going over how amazing she is. Confusing.  Well, at least this show has groomed us to believe this is weird. But if I pull it out of context, it’s pretty normal that this guy might not be super eager to get down on one knee after such a short amount of time. On television. With crazy, staged dates. While competing against other men.  Maybe Brooks is normal. 

Brooks invites Chris Harrison over to his suite in Antigua to let him down. It’s like a practice break up. Like if you break up with The Bachelorette, you also have to break up with Chris Harrison.  You gotta give it to Chris when he just comes right out and asks the question: are you just not sure or are you just not in love with her?  Brooks doesn’t have an answer right away but finally tells Chris that he’s come to the conclusion that he doesn’t think Des is the love of his life. 100% sure. Not in love with her. Not going to be in love with her. Ouch.

After Desiree finishes her monologue of how in love with Brooks she is, Brooks shows up and she can tell immediately that something is wrong.  They sit down to chat and they’re both tearing up before any words are even said. Brooks takes the long road around and Desiree tries with a sad plea before she finally just asks: how do you really feel? And he replies that he really wants to be madly in love with her and that’s enough for her to know that she had picked the wrong guy. She picked the one that didn’t like her back.  She is blubbering and crying and finally tells Brooks that she is in love with him (to which he replies “why didn’t you tell me earlier?” like it would have made a difference?) and announces that he’s breaking her heart.  Oh, he knows.  And, apparently a glutton for punishment, Des just keeps proclaiming that she loves him. Probably to make him feel worse. Not sure it works, though.  Commence Tearfest 2013, starring Brooks and Des.  Des is in super self-pity mode and Brooks is beating himself up.  Apparently he thought he was a bit more apathetic than he truly is.  His limo speech on the way home wishes Des well, hoping that she’ll find love with Drew or Chris, or just that she’ll find what she’s looking for.

Now Des feels guilty because she has two amazing guys who do love her but she can’t love them with all she has to give because she loves Brooks. So, she says, it’s over.

Next week: the finale.

 

Do you think she’s going home solo?

 

The Bachelorette Recap, Hometown Dates — Desiree

Zak: Dallax, TX 

Zak and Desiree seem chummy but not romantic. He promptly explains a very odd dream he had about them melting on a beach but then it starts snowing and then hundreds of kids show up…and that’s the end of that story.  Kinda like this relationship. And then it sort of maybe makes sense when Zak pulls up in his family’s sno-cone truck.  It could be worse, I guess; dude could be dressed up like a penguin.  Oh, wait, that happened too. Kinda reminds me of the scene from The Sweetest Thing when Selma Blair’s boyfriend dresses up like an elephant and visits her at work. Anyone??

Mom, Dad, brother, sister are super excited to meet Desiree. In fact, mom skips over to meet her at the front door. Zak’s family is mortified to find out that he was the lame guy who didn’t wear a shirt on the first night.  Makes me feel better to know that his family is embarrassed for him especially since they all seem a little zany themselves.  Poor mom can’t help but roll her eyes when Zak confesses that he’s also been totally naked three times on the show so far.

In one-on-one time with Zak’s mom, Desiree seems to really win her over. Sister wants to know if Zak has broken through the friend zone and Desiree assures her that he has, but I’d say that’s a big fat no. What’s she supposed to say? Sister is smitten because clearly Zak is happy but she also clearly watches the show and knows how this game plays out.

Zak tells his mom that Desiree is a really beautiful person – creative and spontaneous, he really respects her and inspires her. Zak and his mom talk about how he’d all but just given up on the idea of love so I can see the Men Tell All episode now and Zak telling the world that meeting and falling in love with Desiree really opened him up to the idea of love again.  Right?  That’s totally how this goes.

And then Zak’s family breaks into song…Desiree is touched. Or severely regretting the fact that there doesn’t seem to be any alcohol in sight.

Zak tells Desiree that he bought a ring for her in Atlantic City when he realized he was falling in love with her, he presents it to her and tells her he’s in love with her. It’s awfully cute but I feel really bad because I think he’s going home.

In the case of Hometown dates, do you think the playground taunt is correct? Is first the worst?

Drew: Scottsdale, AZ

It’s a stark difference between Zak’s greeting and Drew’s.  I’ll give you a hint: Drew’s involves a lot of kissing.  This one really went very well but was also pretty predictable. Here are the highlights:

  • Drew makes good on his promise to bring Desiree along to pick up his sister Melissa who is severely mentally handicapped.
  • Drew’s dad is a good looking man. Tell Drew to cool it on the hair gel and he’ll probably get lucky with that full head of hair too.  Forgot that Dad was an alcoholic, though. Points off for that.
  • Dad asks Desiree if she believes in angels and explains that Melissa is their family’s angel and that she has taught their family more about love and life than anything else ever could have.  Dad says that Drew must have really wanted Desiree to experience meeting Melissa, a display of love and respect he wouldn’t bestow upon just anyone.  Clearly Dad fully approves and can see why Drew is so in love with Des.
  • Mom gives her stamp of approval.
  • Des says she wants to join Drew’s family and stay with him. Good sign.
  • Like a giddy schoolboy, Drew tells Desiree that he loves her and he wants her to be a part of his life and his future. Man, if this guy goes home, he is never going to see it coming. He is entranced.

Chris: McMinnville, OR 

It’s all woodsy and lumberjacky and Chris has some wildflowers waiting for Des before he takes her to the local little league park where they get in their baseball gear. Chris is super impressed — the girl can hit, she can pitch, she can throw, she can catch, she can run…and she does it all laughing and smiling and looking super adorable.  This feels like the most natural and relaxed scenario out of all the guys but it’s also important to Chris since his life has revolved so much around baseball.

When they take a break, Desiree shows Chris some sketches she stole out of Zak’s playbook: drawings of their time together so far.  Poetry-loving Chris thinks it’s super sweet. Oh, you two.  Peas in a pod.

Chris’s family is very welcoming. In fact, it’s not five minutes before Chris’s dad has Desiree laying down! Whoa whoa whoa there, folks.  He’s a professional.  Actually, he’s a chiropractor.  Dear Desiree: choose this guy.  Major perks with free massages and adjustments.  And apparently something to do with nasal adjustments…??  I’m totally not sure what just happened but Chris seemed into it.

I don’t quite understand the music that is playing as mom is interviewing Des…it’s like underwater level Super Mario Bros. music.  Mom says she likes Desiree a lot because she seems very strong and knows herself and what she wants. Mom cries and gives her blessing to Chris. And the part I think is kinda creepy is when mom shares that Chris was pretty much in love with Desiree before he found out that she was The Bachelorette. That’s weird, right?

Brooks: Salt Lake City, UT

Brooks and his flowy hair are super dreamy.  I’ll give him that.  Desiree seems very elated to be with him. And, in fact, tells the camera that she loves Brooks and has been excited about meeting his family since their first date. Wow.  In contrast, Brooks seems to be struggling with the time away from Desiree and goes so far as to say that “you somewhat forget what it’s like when you’re apart.” Hmm…sounds like he’s pulling back quite a bit.  Luckily, Desiree has sensed his lack of confidence and in an effort to remind him that he should love her (he hasn’t said it yet!), she’s logged all of their special moments so far…the hollywood sign, breaking his finger, carrying the bride over the threshold. Maybe Brooks is just super slow.  It’s like you can almost see the memories coming back to him…oh, yeah, oh..that’s right. Yeah, kinda like you.  I remember now.  Hey, you.

Best part of the episode: Brooks literally rocks their boat a little too much and totally soaks Desiree by overflowing their little kayak.  Not as suave as The Notebook. Total fail.

Walking into Brooks’s house (think he’s Mormon?)  There are so many of them that they’re actually wearing nametags, which I think is awesome.

His brothers ask some really great questions about his feelings toward Des and yet we don’t get to see him answer any of them, which is frustrating.  His sister tells Brooks that he should never want to be away from someone he is in love with because it should be his best friend and he should want to do everything with her. Brooks seems surprised to hear this.  During his little chat with his mom Brooks seems to open up and confesses that he needs to let down some walls.  Not a revelation, slow guy, but again, glad you’re getting there.

Best family comment: “Thanks for not being a huge waste of time.”  This guy wins for best family.

Desiree’s Bad Boy Brother is Back

Apparently producers also realize that there’s not enough interesting drama happening this season to keep things appealing, Desiree’s embarrassingly trashy brother is back.  She gives him a synopsis of each of the remaining men and while I really wanted to loathe him, I thought he did a good job of “yeah yeah,” “uh huh,” and “okay” responses.  Clearly he’s been scorned well enough to know not to make a total jackass of himself on national television again.  It almost works.  He seems like he’s just trying to be agreeable but he’s still skeptical.  At least he wishes her well and tells her that he’s happy she’s in charge of the situation, ending on a good note.

Chatting with Chris Harrison

Chris calls Des out on the fact that last week she told him she’s in love with Brooks, however, Brooks still hasn’t said it to her. Awkward because the other three men have “thrown themselves at [her] feet.”  Exactly.  Which is why Desiree probably really wants Brooks the most.

Roses:

As the men arrive we see Desiree’s brother creeping out all stalker like in the lobby trying to get a good view of Desiree’s suitors.  Seriously, that’s how murder-mystery novels start out, weird guy.  It would’ve been way better to pop out and introduce himself to all of them as they arrived just to gauge their reaction. That would’ve been funny. But instead, no drama and straight to the “this is hard” speech and the handing out of the last three roses:

  • Brooks, of course
  • Chris, the backup plan
  • Drew, because he’s so cute

Going Home: Zak, who absolutely did not see a goodbye coming. He looks devastated.  Poor guy.  Desiree says some really nice things, hands him back his ring and sends him on his way. Zak is super classy and takes it like a gentleman but you can tell he’s too shocked to even realize that he’s heartbroken. He probably really thought that making his family memorize a song for her was going to seal the deal. In the limo, we see a darker, very sad side of Zak.  And then we see the limo pull over, the window roll down, and Zak throws the ring out!

Next week: The Men Tell All!

In two weeks: sexy beaches and lots of I love you’s…but wait, there’s also a lot of Des crying and saying she wants to go home. My guess is Brooks bows out. What’s yours?