The bachelor episode 2, season 15

Ashley H., the artist dentist, receives the First date card and it reads: “The road to love is a wild ride.” She comes down the stairs looking like the tin man. And as they walk out the door we hear my contender for favorite quote of the night (already!) whispered by a woman I can’t yet name without a caption…maybe the manscaper?: “He’s perfect. I love his suit, his face.”

So they’re off, driving in what appears to be nothing but a dirt road in the woods that are the Hollywood Hills. And they get out of the car and they are walking to nowhere and a switch is dramatically flipped and a carnival lights up. And they have it all to themselves. How creepy. And how fake did it look for them to be carelessly running through the deserted carnival? You’ve got the place to yourself + no lines = no need to run. They bond over a mutual dissatisfaction for their absent fathers and Brad cant believe how much he’s opening up. She gets her rose and Brad says he likes her a lot. A lot. So they make out. A lot. And then she says the magic words…”can we do it again?”

Melissa the waitress has been saving up for this for eight years…buying outfits, gowns, drugs…seriously, she looks awful and sounds crazier.

Group date: “Let’s share something from the heart”
Chantal O, Keltie, Madison, Melissa, Kimberly, Marissa, Raichel, Britt, Emily, Stacey, Meghan, Alli, Shawntel N, Lisa, Michelle
Michelle is pouty because it’s her 30th birthday. And she just really wants him to notice her. They are filming a PSA for the American Red Cross and some of the women are very excited about their costumes (Emily, the hot maid) while Keltie is stuck as a butch woman in arm casts. Britt says she’s been a gymnast her entire life so she knows how to hide nerves but that doesn’t mean she’s not growing ulcers at an alarming rate. You and me both, lady. Michelle reminds us it’s her birthday. Britt is nervous about making out with Brad for the first time under forced circumstances. So she really gets into character and let’s him have it. And Michelle reminds us it’s her birthday. And she’s angry so she walks off set. And so brad follows. Michelle apologizes to Brad, then he apologizes, I want you to be here, I want to be here…no kissing. Surprisingly she doesn’t tell him it’s her birthday. Maybe she forgot.

Melissa the waitress gets alone time and wants to clear the air for jumping in and kissing him in the middle of another scene. “I’m not usually that girl”…I don’t think he believes it. Michelle the birthday girl gets alone time and she tells brad he has walls and he is aghast. (I’ve been in therapy for three years!) Boy, does she know the right buttons to push. Raichel and Melissa have a little cat fight in the middle of the party but everyone else is too busy boozing and snacking to notice. The birthday girl tantrum pays off for Michelle, who receives the group date rose then proceeds to wave it in front of all the other girls, taunting.

Second one-on-one date with Jackie the Glee singer: “let’s get our love on track”
Brad pampers Jackie with a faux facial and a mini hand rub, and then shows her to a room full of dresses and shoes all in her size. Wait, there’s more: diamonds! The glee singer seems what Brad says she is – very classy. During dinner at the Hollywood Bowl Brad asks about prior relationships and Jackie shares that she’s only had two relationships and Brad is worried that she might not open up. He expresses his concerns but gives her the rose anyway. Then the stage turns around and Train is performing for just the two of them. Very romantic. Then they kiss in what she calls the perfect ending to a perfect date. If he didn’t give her the rose I wonder if they still would have played.

Before the welcome toast at the cocktail party is done clink-clinking, Michelle – who just might now be dubbed the crazy (must be the name) – pulls Brad away to ask him the following two crucial questions: 1) starbucks or coffee bean 2) what do you keep stocked in your fridge. When Emily learns of this, she says “oh, I though you were being a smart ass.” and boy don’t we wish because that would have been funny, not crazy.

Melissa and Raichel get into another cat fight so they are fully disrupting the cocktail party. Melissa runs to Brad crying and tries to explain her side of the story and then interrupts to talk about her bad breath from the onion pizza she ate. You’re a crying mess and your breath stinks…not helping. Also, have you seen the back of your hair?

Chris Harrison interrupts the party to introduce Ali and Roberto, here for publicity…uh, I mean, because they know Brad, okay, uh, to help Brad pick out who’s here for the right reason. They interview the girls. Michelle says it was her birthday. Melissa cries. Chantal the Shannon Doherty lookalike tells it like it is. Emily is the envy of all the girls when Brad pulls her away to give her the rose for being genuine.

Roses:
Chantal O, the Shannon Doherty doppleganger
Sarah
Alli, the too big booty
Kimberly
Shawntel N, the funeral director
Stacey, the new Gia
Ashley S., the nanny
Madison, vampy
Lisa
Marissa, the sports publicist
Meghan, the man
Lindsay
Britt, who doesn’t look like Darryl Hannah anymore but is a self-proclaimed prude
Ashley H., the artist dentist – carnival rose
Michelle, the new crazy – pity birthday rose
Jackie, the Glee singer – the pretty woman rose
Emily, Southern Belle Barbie -Ali’s genuine rose

Now that Keltie is gone we have no more quality entertainment post rose ceremony to look forward to, but before she leaves the mansion she gives a nice speech about all the ways she’s failed at dating. I’m gonna miss that girl.

I had to trade in the wine for nyquil and Ginger ale this week so I hope I didn’t miss anything. Looking forward to hearing your favorite moments, quotes, annoyances, and predictions. Comment below!

The Bachelor: Episode 1 Recap, Season 15 – January 3
Comments provided by Jenn, Ashley, Marisa & Sarah

The intro of season 15 has Brad reliving his last season with profound statements like “when I got home to Austin I was alone.” Whoa, really? Then onto heavier topics like “whats wrong with me?” then the commitment issues, trust issues, Dad issues, the tough guy is just a facade, i just needed help, it took a lot of therapy… And now he’s back and he’s fixed and …wait for it…cue the topless bachelor shot! With a huge back tattoo! They interview his mom – she says he’s ready. Next is his therapist who says Brad has the tools and the ability to commit to love and marriage. More working out. Merman coming up out of the water shot…and now after that and three years in therapy, he’s ready! Meet Brad, the not new but improved Bachelor.

And here are some lovely/crazy ladies we meet in their shorty intro videos:

• Ashley, the artist dentist
• Shawntel, the funeral director
• Ashley, the nanny
• Chantal, the Shannon Doherty doppleganger
• Michelle, single mom
• Raichel, the manscaper in Fullerton
• Meghan, the man
• Madison the vampire
• Emily, the pretty widow

Back at the mansion, Brad sits down with our trusty old friend Chris Harrison and learns that Jenny and Deanna are here to confront him after three years. Both have shiny engagement rings on their hands so they are fully qualified to tell Brad about the love he’s missing and what he missed out on these past few years. Jenny warns Brad that the girls are going to put up walls when they realize he’s the bachelor.

“I have the most sincere intentions for being here. You guys have helped make me a better person, whether you wanted to or not…it’s like I owe you a huge debt of gratitude because it did change me.” – Brad, the sincere guy who has changed

In regards to Brad this season Jenny says she’s hopeful and Deanna is skeptical. We don’t care because Deanna didn’t work with her snowboarder geek either on her season and she had already been through it with Brad. She had two chances on this show too.

Sidenote: Sarah doesn’t like Brad’s boots. Ashley was keeping mum. Marisa didn’t notice. I’m sad I missed them (I like boots). And now we’re 40 minutes into the show and still haven’t met the girls yet. Well done, ABC.

Introductions:

• The first girl out of the limo is Chantal, the Shannon Doherty doppleganger, and she slaps him. Shannon Doherty likes to slap too, right? Brad liked it.
• Alli is ugly. Opens with America hates you. You’re going home.
• Ashley the nanny calls him a tall drink of water. We like her. Then she grabs his butt. We would have too.
• Meghan the man, the hunchback. Eww. And then the shoes. Double eww.
• Marissa the sports publicist from Kissimmee. If memory serves, Corey from Jake’s season was also from Kissimmee.  This girl will have to step it up a few notches.
• Ashley the artist dentist. She needs to stop flipping her hair.
• Raichel, our hometown manscaper. Were not happy about this representation but think it’s pretty hilarious that ‘manscaper’ is her listed profession.  Gross, but funny.
• Madison says Brad looks delicious. I’m mortified. Need more wine.(intercept text from my friend Kady that reads “see those daggers called teeth on that Madison chick?” ‘Nuff said)
• Melissa ran to jump into his arms. Not graceful.
• Jackie, yellow dress…looks like the girl from Glee or Wicked, both of whom Marisa and Ashley can name but I cannot.
• A few others that weren’t that noteworthy including a cute fake proposal but the man just admitted he’s got major issues so she’s definitely going home tonight.
• Lacey, we like her lavender dress.
• Lauren, she seems normal and we’d like to see normal on this show. Odds aren’t good, though. Normal never wins. Ashley likes her. She reminds us of Ashley Judd + Jessica Biel or maybe if it was somehow possible for them to have a baby together, Lauren is what she’d look like.
• Lisa P. seems sloppy.
• Shawntel the funeral director…do I smell like formaldehyde? Okay she didn’t say that but she should have because it would have been awesome.
• Brittnee with the ugly dress beckoned Brad to come to the limo and fetch her.
• Stacey, the bartender from Boston. Reminds me of Gia. She’s clueless. Reminds me of Gia.
• Jill: “I’m ready to get married so we need to talk inside”
• Lisa M. from Kansas wore ruby slippers.
• Rebecca from Mission Viejo kisses brad and calls him a frog.
• J. Just J. Like Homer J Simpson. Red dress. It’s her birthday.
• Keltie, the rockette.
• Sarah looks like shes wearing a wig and the most interesting thing she has to say is she can’t snap. Boring.
• Emily is excited it’s Brad. He can’t get over how pretty she is. She is quite charming. We like her. She wins so far.
• Britt reminds us of Darryl Hannah. Splash, anyone?
• Michelle, the single mom from Salt Lake. She’s working out a lot in her intro video. That might go over well with Brad.

Brad starts talking to the room full of women and one by one the girls drop to take a seat. They must know he’s been in a lot of therapy and has a lot to say. Then in a very dramatic way he tells the girls they’re free to leave. No one does. ABC should have paid one of them to leave. They could’ve enticed a lot more viewers with that spoiler clip. Write that down.

Brad’s sick of all the hard questions he’s getting while spending time meeting the girls and is relieved when Ashley S. says she’s happy to be a friend when he needs an escape. I think she just handed him her friend card.

Raichel the manscaper from Fullerton waxes his wrist in a private demo of her profession then tells Brad about the special places she’s waxed men such as the ‘under carriage’ and ‘bat wings’…I think he’s just decided that his future wife can’t be seeing other men’s ‘bat wings.’ Overshare on night one, lady.

The Glee/Wicked lady says she likes to sing. And she does. And I haven’t had enough wine. It.is.so.bad. I’m mortified.

Two girls are fighting over Brad, stealing him back and forth from each other. It’s embarrassing. I think they’re both going home but I’ve been more wrong. One of the girls is seeking counsel from Keltie who we’ve decided looks like Melissa Rivers. Or maybe a little a bit more like Joan.

Brad finds Emily as she patiently waits for him in a cozy little nook. She’s darling and she’s a coal-miner’s daughter. We love it. She’s the quintessential Southern Belle and sincere, according to Brad. We agree. How is she so pretty? Like Southern Belle Barbie.

Brad says there is something he really likes about Madison. (What?!) She’s very sexy. But she has fangs. (Ashley warns “you don’t want that near your junk”). Brad tells Madison that she needs to be serious about this because he is. I dread the fact that he’s going to keep her.  For once on this show, I’d welcome the answer to “Come on, are those things real?”

Michelle, the single mom from Salt Lake shares that she has a daughter named Brielle. Brad shares his joy in being an uncle to convey he’s good with kids. He seems very open and receptive to the idea that she has a kid but this is the guy that just spent three years in therapy for commitment issues. Kids = commitment, but hey, he’s changed!

First impression rose: Ashley S. because she told Brad she wanted to be his friend and that’s what he wants in a wife. I’m shocked it wasn’t Emily.

Roses:

1. Michelle, the single mom from Salt Lake
2. Kimberly (purple dress – nothing more interesting)
3. Madison with fangs accepts with pleasure and then tries to take a bite out of Brad’s neck. Weird.
4. Emily, the pretty widow/Southern Belle Barbie
5. Raichel, the manscaper
6. Keltie, the rockette Joan rivers/Sarah Jessica Parker
7. Ashley H. The artist dentist
8. Meghan the man
9. Lisa M
10. Lindsey
11. Alli the too big booty (she asked Brad if he could handle her big backside after being previously dumped by a boyfriend who thought it was too big.)
12. Sarah P.
13. Marissa, the sports publicist from Kissimmee
14. Britt, Darryl Hannah
15. Stacey, the new Gia
16. Shawntel, yellow dress funeral director
17. Jackie the glee singer, also yellow dress (channeling Ali?)
18. Melissa
19. Chantal, the Shannon Doherty doppleganger
20. Ashley S. – friend card first impression rose

Best quote of the night comes at the end of the show from Keltie the rockette mid-kick: “we’re gonna fall in love and get each other nice Christmas presents!” (only Buddy the Elf could have sung it better!)

For those who know me and are wondering: Cocobon red table wine, California, from Trader Joe’s. It was delicious but it either wasn’t strong enough or I didn’t consume enough to handle all the mortifying moments from this episode.

Cheers to the new season!