The bachelor episode 2, season 15

Ashley H., the artist dentist, receives the First date card and it reads: “The road to love is a wild ride.” She comes down the stairs looking like the tin man. And as they walk out the door we hear my contender for favorite quote of the night (already!) whispered by a woman I can’t yet name without a caption…maybe the manscaper?: “He’s perfect. I love his suit, his face.”

So they’re off, driving in what appears to be nothing but a dirt road in the woods that are the Hollywood Hills. And they get out of the car and they are walking to nowhere and a switch is dramatically flipped and a carnival lights up. And they have it all to themselves. How creepy. And how fake did it look for them to be carelessly running through the deserted carnival? You’ve got the place to yourself + no lines = no need to run. They bond over a mutual dissatisfaction for their absent fathers and Brad cant believe how much he’s opening up. She gets her rose and Brad says he likes her a lot. A lot. So they make out. A lot. And then she says the magic words…”can we do it again?”

Melissa the waitress has been saving up for this for eight years…buying outfits, gowns, drugs…seriously, she looks awful and sounds crazier.

Group date: “Let’s share something from the heart”
Chantal O, Keltie, Madison, Melissa, Kimberly, Marissa, Raichel, Britt, Emily, Stacey, Meghan, Alli, Shawntel N, Lisa, Michelle
Michelle is pouty because it’s her 30th birthday. And she just really wants him to notice her. They are filming a PSA for the American Red Cross and some of the women are very excited about their costumes (Emily, the hot maid) while Keltie is stuck as a butch woman in arm casts. Britt says she’s been a gymnast her entire life so she knows how to hide nerves but that doesn’t mean she’s not growing ulcers at an alarming rate. You and me both, lady. Michelle reminds us it’s her birthday. Britt is nervous about making out with Brad for the first time under forced circumstances. So she really gets into character and let’s him have it. And Michelle reminds us it’s her birthday. And she’s angry so she walks off set. And so brad follows. Michelle apologizes to Brad, then he apologizes, I want you to be here, I want to be here…no kissing. Surprisingly she doesn’t tell him it’s her birthday. Maybe she forgot.

Melissa the waitress gets alone time and wants to clear the air for jumping in and kissing him in the middle of another scene. “I’m not usually that girl”…I don’t think he believes it. Michelle the birthday girl gets alone time and she tells brad he has walls and he is aghast. (I’ve been in therapy for three years!) Boy, does she know the right buttons to push. Raichel and Melissa have a little cat fight in the middle of the party but everyone else is too busy boozing and snacking to notice. The birthday girl tantrum pays off for Michelle, who receives the group date rose then proceeds to wave it in front of all the other girls, taunting.

Second one-on-one date with Jackie the Glee singer: “let’s get our love on track”
Brad pampers Jackie with a faux facial and a mini hand rub, and then shows her to a room full of dresses and shoes all in her size. Wait, there’s more: diamonds! The glee singer seems what Brad says she is – very classy. During dinner at the Hollywood Bowl Brad asks about prior relationships and Jackie shares that she’s only had two relationships and Brad is worried that she might not open up. He expresses his concerns but gives her the rose anyway. Then the stage turns around and Train is performing for just the two of them. Very romantic. Then they kiss in what she calls the perfect ending to a perfect date. If he didn’t give her the rose I wonder if they still would have played.

Before the welcome toast at the cocktail party is done clink-clinking, Michelle – who just might now be dubbed the crazy (must be the name) – pulls Brad away to ask him the following two crucial questions: 1) starbucks or coffee bean 2) what do you keep stocked in your fridge. When Emily learns of this, she says “oh, I though you were being a smart ass.” and boy don’t we wish because that would have been funny, not crazy.

Melissa and Raichel get into another cat fight so they are fully disrupting the cocktail party. Melissa runs to Brad crying and tries to explain her side of the story and then interrupts to talk about her bad breath from the onion pizza she ate. You’re a crying mess and your breath stinks…not helping. Also, have you seen the back of your hair?

Chris Harrison interrupts the party to introduce Ali and Roberto, here for publicity…uh, I mean, because they know Brad, okay, uh, to help Brad pick out who’s here for the right reason. They interview the girls. Michelle says it was her birthday. Melissa cries. Chantal the Shannon Doherty lookalike tells it like it is. Emily is the envy of all the girls when Brad pulls her away to give her the rose for being genuine.

Roses:
Chantal O, the Shannon Doherty doppleganger
Sarah
Alli, the too big booty
Kimberly
Shawntel N, the funeral director
Stacey, the new Gia
Ashley S., the nanny
Madison, vampy
Lisa
Marissa, the sports publicist
Meghan, the man
Lindsay
Britt, who doesn’t look like Darryl Hannah anymore but is a self-proclaimed prude
Ashley H., the artist dentist – carnival rose
Michelle, the new crazy – pity birthday rose
Jackie, the Glee singer – the pretty woman rose
Emily, Southern Belle Barbie -Ali’s genuine rose

Now that Keltie is gone we have no more quality entertainment post rose ceremony to look forward to, but before she leaves the mansion she gives a nice speech about all the ways she’s failed at dating. I’m gonna miss that girl.

I had to trade in the wine for nyquil and Ginger ale this week so I hope I didn’t miss anything. Looking forward to hearing your favorite moments, quotes, annoyances, and predictions. Comment below!