Guys, I actually made it through The Bachelor last night. It was tough, though, let me tell ya.
Juan-On-One Date: Clare — “Let’s Chill”
After Clare is blindfolded to get to her secret date destination, much to the other girls’ 50 Shades envy, she says “All I can do is sit there and smell him.” — Clare, not disappointed.
It gets better, though, as Clare’s blindfold is removed to reveal a private winter wonderland in Los Angeles, complete with snow, sledding, snowman props and ice skating. Clare is absolutely awful at skating. And it’s cute but doesn’t seem cute enough to get Juan Pablo to fall with her and put the moves on. But waaaait…what’s a chilly evening without a hot tub to heat things up? Clare’s giving what should be a steamy rub down in the hot tub and she’s trying to open up to Juan Pablo about her dad but instead it seems like she’s already telling poor Juan P that he’s never going to live up to her dad’s memory. Ever the gentleman, instead of getting creeped out, Juan Pablo agrees that daddy’s girls that were treated like princesses deserve to be treated like princesses and he’s happy that they both have high standards. Le sigh. After presenting her with a rose and what tried to be an almost steamy makeout session in the hot tub, music starts and they hop out of the tub to sway back and forth in their wet swimsuits (and her in a coat) in the fake snow. Not sure that our Latin lover really feels any chemistry or it could be her total lack of coordination that’s throwing me off.
Juan-On-One Date: Kat — “I Can Feel the Electricity”
“I think I’d do really well in a group setting; I’m not going to go unnoticed,” says Lucy. Topless. So yeah, the other girls agree slash already hate her and her small, perky boobs.
Kat and her dimples (she reminds me of this actress) are super excited to be jet-setting to their surprise date destination. On the plane ride, she’s daydreaming about all the exotic places they could be going — Miami, maybe? New York? You can tell this chick is really here to try to marry up. I wish he would have just flat out, straight-faced said “Salt Lake City” and left it at that to see disappointment bubble in her eyes. But, she’s a pro, this gal, and puts on the neon, glow-in-the-dark attire he’s provided and along with an up-for-anything grin. It turns out to be a pretty awesome and creative date: an Electric 5k run with music, glow sticks, neon, and lots of sweat. After the run, Juan Pablo pulls her up onto the stage to ask her to accept a rose.
Group Date: Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy — “Say Cheese”
“The date card said ‘Say Cheese’…I would assume it’s a photoshoot but maybe it’s eating cheese; I’m good at both, so I’m alright with either one.” — Kelly, the dog lover
Lucy has a clever way of securing lots of screen time: she flashes the camera crew just about every chance she gets. It’s a successful strategy that I’m somehow not sure we’ve seen before.
The “models” the girls are paired with for the photo shoot are dogs, which makes the professional “dog lover” Kelly even more excited. You know who’s not excited? The two women who pull cardboard signs as their costumes. Nude on camera without notice? Sounds like the perfect opportunity for Lucy to shine! So Elise cleverly negotiates a swap with the resident nudist, unfortunately putting herself inside a fire hydrant costume instead. Wah wah…she is pissed. (dog. fire hydrant. pissed. see what I did there?) Poor Andi is still stuck, though, and clearly out of her comfort zone: “I put people in jail for a living,” she reminds us. Eek.
Per the Bachelor protocol, the photo shoot wrap party takes place at a rooftop pool, the go-to location for mingling and general debauchery. Highlights include:
- Cassandra, a giggling, nervous mess when she tells Juan Pablo she has a two year old son.
- Renee screwing her shot at a make out sesh when she talks loudly at Juan Pablo instead of talking to him. Clearly everyone thinks making out will cut through the language barrier.
- One thing I’ve been impressed with so far this season is how nice the girls are to each other. Like when Nikki kindly lets Victoria know she’s drunk and should take it down a notch or eight. A very sincere gesture regardless of the fact that it’s probably about four drinks too late. We soon find Victoria sobbing in a bathroom stall.
Group date rose goes to Kelly who had the unfortunate luck of looking like a hairless dog for the photo shoot. With “dog lover” being her occupation, though, she should have been disqualified, right?
The next day Juan Pablo meets Victoria at the hotel (read: rehab center) where they’ve sent her off for timeout. Juan Pablo is possibly the most gentlemanly anyone could ever be in telling this train wreck that she acted like an immature child and certainly isn’t ready to be in a relationship with someone who has an actual child. Adios, Victoria.
Poor Renee probably thought she was getting a break from being a mom while she’s here trying her darnedest to make out with a hot guy but she’s playing mama cub/troop leader/house mom to every teary-eyed girl in this joint. I see Juan Pablo keeping her around to help keep the girls in check for a while. Or maybe just to carry their emotional baggage.
Going home: Amy, Victoria, and Chantel
Who are your favorites so far?
P.S. That Jimmy Kimmel is at it again, this time sending out our Bachelor, Juan Pablo, to interview folks on the street to see what they think about The Bachelor without revealing who he is. Fantastic.